Lip Service?
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A few days ago, something interesting came in the mail: a copy of the Columbia Law School Graduation Address given by Dean David M. Schizer on May 21. Now we all know that I am an academic romantic and a fan of graduations, so for me this was exciting stuff. The title of the address was indeed appropriate: Beginning Your Career in Challenging Times. I saw this title, this simple string of candid and honest words, and flashed back to my CLS graduation. I remember the day, the pounding rain, the helicopters buzzing overhead, the palpable sense of promise in the May air. It was our day. Most of us had good jobs lined up and our biggest worry was the looming Bar Exam.
How different things are today. A law degree from an elite institution is no longer a guarantee. Start dates have been put off. Insecurity and uncertainty reign supreme.
In his address, Schizer compellingly captures the difficulties of this more sober time in American and legal history. Appropriately, he speaks of the vital importance of ethics and conscience and how it is up to the graduates to fix a system that is indeed badly broken. Schizer’s words are economical, eloquent, evocative. I like to think of myself as a metaphor connoisseur and his passed muster. He notes that this graduation is “a bit like finishing a marathon only to be caught in a thunderstorm as you cross the finish line.”
But buried in this speech is something important, something that transcends tough times and tattered economies. Something that struck me and stayed with me. Schizer says, “Remember that, however much you achieve in your professional life, perhaps the deepest imprint that you will leave in the world is on the people close to you. It takes energy and effort to nurture these relationships, and sometimes, at the end of a long work day, you will feel your strength failing. But don’t let this go. There is nothing more important in your lives.”
Yes. Personal relationships. Happiness. These are indeed the most important things in our lives. Yes! In life, we are able to run marathons and weather storms because of the support and love of other people. Yes. But Schizer moves on from this “most important thing” very quickly. He spends the balance of his speech talking about other things, predictable things. His remarks are peppered with words we hear all the time: profession, success, roles, systems, players, markets, incentives, information, talent, resources.
Why such a quick and fleeting mention of personal fulfillment if it is indeed the most important thing? Maybe because such soft and fuzzy talk does not a potent graduation speech make. Presumably, these graduates did not incur huge loans to be told at the finish line that they should go on to foster friendships and families? Or perhaps the explanation is more sinister. Perhaps professional achievement at the highest level in law and beyond is incompatible with personal achievement? Are Schizer and his fellow colleagues at the helm of our professional ships just paying lip service to the idea that the maintenance of personal relationships is the most important thing? Are they all talk? I certainly hope not. But I fear maybe.
I didn’t last long in BigLaw. But I remember many stories. One story: I was staffed with a senior associate on a case. We spent a good bit of time together. I respected her. Through the corporate casual garb and the professional decorum, I caught a glimpse of who she was as a person. She seemed nice and smart, interesting and thoughtful. My best friend’s bachelorette party was approaching and I told Senior Associate that I would be happy to help her with whatever she needed, but that I would be going out of town the following weekend. She nodded. And then I decided to share some details. To make this all more human. I told her I was headed to Miami to celebrate with my friend. Suddenly, her kind eyes were glossed with disapproval. She said, “Aidan, never talk about your personal life here. People do not want to know that you have a personal life.” Lesson learned. And fast.
Are professional success and personal happiness mutually exclusive? In the high wattage professional world, do leaders truly encourage the development of robust and rewarding personal relationships or is the very development of these relationships at odds with professional focus and market-measurable success?
Gosh, I hope professional successIn the past 24 hours, I feel like both areas are thriving. Last night, we hosted a coktail reception for 50 at our apartment for law alumni and current law students working in NYC this summer. It was a blast, we reconnected with old friends, met interesting new ones, hobnobbed with the dean, even my kids got to stay up late and mingle. As the last guest left, my husband and I both remarked how we needed to do more stuff like this. We felt so lucky to have each other and our family and the ability to do things like host a party on a random Tuesday night. Basically, we both felt happy.
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And yet, I spent this entire morning in the Grand Jury and I am totally exhilirated. After nearly 14 years, it is still fun for me. Your story about not sharing your personal life at work is awful, I really don’t get that. I know that not all big law firms are like that and I’m sorry that’s what you experienced. Perhaps it’s all for the best, after all I probably wouldn’t be reading your insights here if the firm had been more hospitable! I am so lucky to have found a place where I can share my life and yet still do work that I enjoy and feel is important. I suppose professional success can be defined many ways and others may find my view of success to be different from their own. I do not think I could achieve my professional success at the office without the support and love of my family, who in turn are largely responsible for my personal happiness. In my world, they inextricably intertwined, but maybe that’s why I am not a Supreme Court Justice (and likely never will be
D – I am thrilled that you have given me and ILI readers a portrait of how personal happiness and high level professional success can indeed commingle. You are very fortunate to feel fulfilled in both aspects of your life. I was hesitant to provide the anecdote from my time at the firm because, yes, it was unfortunate. Truth is my experience at the firm was mostly quite positive. For the most part, I liked the people with whom I worked and found the work marginally interesting. That said, I did feel like there was a message sent pretty loud and clear that the job came first, that other things, personal things, should be kept tucked away. This was disappointing for me because I am a lover of stories and I wanted to know the people with whom I worked. I wanted to know their stories, how they got there, why they stayed, what they dreamed about. Occasionally, I had a wonderful conversation with a co-worker, a bona fide interaction, but for me, this really was the exception to the rule. Admittedly, I did a very short stint at the firm and it is possible that if I had stayed longer, relationships would have become deeper and more tinged with personal color. I don’t know. What I do know is that the mere time commitment that was expected of me and my peers detracted from quality time spent with loved ones. And the unavoidable unpredictability of schedule, of not knowing whether I would be able to honor dates with friends or family, was disheartening for me. Again, I am one person. I am hardly qualified to opine on the metaphysical clash of happiness and professional triumph. It just seems to me – on a more theoretical, instinctive level – that these two things are often, and problematically, at odds.
I am glad that your anecdote wasn’t reflective of all your time or all people you worked with at the firm. And admittedly, the life of a big firm associate can be brutal and definitely challenging in balancing a personal life. I do take issue with your bona fides to opine on professional triumph and personal happiness. You are highly qualified to opine on this, you saw the writing on the wall at the firm that for you, it was either, not both and you got out. leaving allowed you to find your milieu where it is clear from this blog, you thrive in both realms (a soon to be published novel and 2 little girls under 3 with a matching wonderful husband,if that isn’t the best of both, what is?) Clearly, you too illustrate that one can do both. It’s about finding compatible arenas that allow us to find our personal/professional success.
I worked for someone for 2 years (in business, not law) who did not know my childrens’ names. It is on one level a detail but in another way a huge indicator of what was valued. I hated it and have since left.
I want to believe that such distinctions don’t have to exist, that our professional and personal lives can not only coexist but in fact benefit each other. I really want to believe this. Sadly, 9 years post MBA I haven’t seen it, but I have not worked in enough varied companies to be sure that the conclusion is firm.
I’ll keep looking!
What a shame that we can’t call that co-worker of yours a name and your work experience an isolated one.
As much as I now enjoy the relationship I have with my colleagues, I must say I believe that making a career does demand sacrifice. Well, at least that’s what people make you think. Or is it just that we put those expectations upon one another?
I know many people who are just like the person you described.
Whether this unwillingness to build up a personal relationship is a ‘professional’ choice or just a sign of selfishness, I don’t know.
3 years ago a friend of mine committed suicide. I’ve found out about it while at work. Looking at my face, a colleague asked if everything was ok. I said ‘no’. That was the end of the conversation. I know I should have said the usual ‘everything’s fine’, but then, I couldn’t.
The next weeks, when asked how I was, I always lied, although everyone saw something was not ok.
This makes me think, when we ask the ubiquitous “how are you”? How many times do we actually mean it?
And then, what answers are allowed?
It’s ok to ask ourselves whether to bother someone with our problems. But when others ask us to act like robots, as if we do not have private lives, and sell it — to us, but rather more so to themselves — as ‘being professional’, then something’s not right.
I have also been asking myself lately how much of my problems do I want to share with my family… I don’t want them to associate me with problems, now do I? When I complain to them too much I feel guilty afterward.
But then, keeping it all in you is really hard, and it cannot be healthy.
Thnax for the, once again, thoughtful post.
Your post today deals with the value of personal relationships, and I have learned since reaching adulthood that no salary can pay me enough to replace the value of a job where I have ample time with my friends, my husband, and someday, my children. As a law grad myself, I wasn’t about to sign on to a life where my husband was always home in time for dinner and I would never be. No salary could pay me enough to make me pass that up. When I interviewed for the job I had now, I had to reschedule because my supervisor-to-be had to work from home that day. The reason? Her kids had a snow day. That excuse would not fly in many corporate environments, but to me it was the ultimate advertisement for the company.
I am a feminist. I value my education and the money spent on it. I would never give back the things I learned in law school, even though I could arguably do the job I do now without a JD. But I also want a family. I want dinners at home and snow days.
D – Yes, I too am happy that my anecdote isn’t reflective of my overall experience at the firm. I do still wonder whether one can excel, enjoy the most high levels of quintessential professional success and fully invest in personal relationships as well. Perhaps this is possible as you point out. But sleep might not be an option.
Lindsey – Can’t say I am overly shocked by the fact that your boss didn’t know your kids’ names. My guess is that this is probably somewhat common. And sad.
P.J. – Very interesting question re: the how are you question. We hear this question all of the time, but it does often seem that there is one acceptable answer and it is one word: “fine.” The question of how much we should tell others about our problems and insecurities is very interesting as well. How do we balance expression and healthy distance?
Phoebems – Thanks for your thoughtful and astute comment. I agree with you that personal relationships, present and future, are priceless. I applaud you for finding a job that you find compelling and that allows you the proverbial “snow days” in life.