What I Remember
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- 09
Today, my mind is muddled. Caught between the fictional world of LIFE AFTER YES and the real world of my life. Today, the rain has fallen furiously. Today, I am oddly nostalgic for days past. For a while, I couldn’t figure out why. But as the day went on, it became clearer.
There have been at least five days in my life that I remember from start to finish.
First, my wedding day. The day on which I wore that hot pink cashmere Juicy suit that was all the rage. That day on which I hung out in my childhood home with my bridesmaids eating pastries, counting down the hours. The day on which a genius man named Aki made my hair look like Bridget Bardot’s. The day on which I stepped into that champagne gown that had splashes of turquoise and doves embroidered on the back. That day on which Dad walked me down the long, candlelit aisle of Holy Trinity. That day on which predictable wedding songs like Canon in D mingled with less predictable Christmas carols. The day on which I held Husband’s hands, fumbled through my vows. That day on which I danced harder and smiled bigger than ever before. That day on which the rest of my good life began.
Second and Third, the days on which Toddler and then Baby were born. Days riddled with the utmost pain and the utmost pleasure. Days soaked with tears. Days stuffed with happiness and exhaustion and love. Days on which I wore flimsy standard issue hospital gowns and clutched new life. Days on which everything suddenly made sense. Days on which I believed the past had purpose and the future had promise.
Fourth and Fifth, the two days of the New York Bar Exam. Disappointing, but true. I remember what I wore (ponytails, cargo pants, tie-dye t-shirts, Adidas track jackets). I remember the lunches I packed (carb free because I was a freak then too). I remember the hordes of fearful faces at the impossibly vast Javitz Center. I remember the party I threw when it was all over. The crowds of debauched and celebrating quasi-lawyers who for months had put lives on hold to cram bits and pieces of knowledge into their brilliant brains. I remember how scared I was that I wouldn’t pass. I remember that secret hope that I didn’t pass. I remember it all.
Today, I am bizarrely nostalgic for these days, these magical and less magical days. Why? Because I have spent countless hours over the past week editing a story about a girl who is about to get married while listening to Canon in D on repeat. Because I spent a good part of today with my sister and her brand new boy. Because today was the second day of the Bar Exam. Because time passes, and years slip by, and moments blend, but there are days we remember. With crisp and uncanny clarity. Even when we least expect it.
What are the days you remember, the memories that catch you off guard as time rolls by?
College graduation (steamy hot, hungover, Bill Clinton speaking, abortion protestors, sneaking out fast with my best friend Quincy bc we had to pee), wedding (pouring rain, thunder and lightning, the minister’s homily), births of my children (again with the weather: hurricane for daughter, blizzard for son, otherworldly pain and incredible emotion). But there are also all of the small moments that I’m not even that aware of as they march by and then something – a song, a smell – reminds me and my breath catches in my throat with: god! I want to go back there!
My 5 significant days: My first date with my husband (wearing a super cool (lol) moss green suede shirt jacket with ex boyfriend’s levis) and talking until the restaurant closed and kicked us out. My wedding day, the last major event with my grandparents and my mother in law, and the time we spent before, during and after. The day I went into labor with my daughter (in Bed and Bath on 60th Street, between the Egyptian cotton and Turkish cotton towels). The day I went into labor with my son (almost 3 years to the day later at my daughter’s 3rd birthday party, though I stoically endured it until she finished opening her presents after the guests had left). The day I gave my summation in my first big case, my family was there, my friends and my mentors along with the press. When I got nervous, I looked at my then 90 year old grandma’s face and I pressed on through. I also remember other days in detail, 9/11 for example, when my daughter was just 10 weeks old and almost as if she knew how terrible the day was, it was the first time she really smiled AND rolled over. The small snippets of events really stick with me as well (the soon to be Cravath associate who sat next to me at the bar exam and chugged an entire Costco sized bottle of Pepto Bismol each day!) I wonder if he is a partner now…
I just read this post after returning home from a long and tiring day of teaching followed by guitar lessons followed by a board meeting for my theater company. And after walking in my front door, fatigued, wet, and feeling a sense of malaise, while contemplating whether or not I should take my dog on a stormy UWS night time walk, your post filled me with hope, relief, and reassurance.
Your top 3 days are the days I’m most looking forward to in my own life. (I can’t count the bar exam days…)
At this point in my life I don’t think I can pick 5 days (out of the 31 years I have existed) that have been monumental. I can certainly name 5 moments (more than 5 even)–hours, minutes, or even seconds that were life altering, special, bittersweet, good and bad. But in terms of ‘days’, I think I constantly live with the sense that my best and most important experiences are yet to come (namely marriage and children).
Though someday I will regale you with the stories, I have many — something you mentioned in a previous post about life having ups and downs rather than being one pace — it’s hard sometimes, and I obviously didn’t plan my life to be so filled with the highest of highs and lowest of lows — some greater being or spirit or karma or what not worked it out that way I think. But if we never experienced that bad, we’d never know the joy of the good, right?
Lindsey & Diana – Thank you for sharing bits and pieces of your memorable days. As a writer, I am obsessed with the tiny details that make us who we are and these made me genuinely happy. I think it is beyond fascinating to look at the things we remember, the details that stick with us. I also think it is fascinating to take note of the things that escape us. Often, I think, they are the superficial things that seem so critical at the time but have no lasting import.
Sarah – That this honest and heartfelt and somewhat silly post lifted you at all, and provided some intangible hope, relief, ans reassurance means to me more than you know. Believe me, you will have your days whether they are days with a husband or kids or something else. And they will probably happen before you know it. And you will soak them up and live them and then as they pass – as they must – you will remember them with fierce fondness. I am a complete believer in the highs and lows. I am frankly suspicious of those who say they don’t have them. Without the swings, sometimes gentle and sometimes more violent, without the damp moments of malaise, happiness, true happiness – whatever it is – would not be possible.
I wish there were days I could remember in their entirety, but I can’t think of a single one. I remember those significant days only in brief snippets. The feeling of my cheeks hurting from smiling so much on my wedding day. Running into (literally) Ed McMahon outside the Javitz Center on day 2 of the bar exam (mercifully the exam itself has been blocked out entirely). I really enjoyed this sweet, funny post. All the more so because it now leaves me remembering happy moments from my life, which is always lovely.
Elizabeth – Glad the post triggered some happy memories. It amazes me how life can get so busy and demanding that we literally do not have the time to remember things. An interesting concept that remembering is another thing, another task, which we might need to schedule, to force ourselves to do. A revealing commentary on the mayhem of modern existence. And, yes, good to know you blocked out the bar exam itself. What an ordeal that was! But, alas, we survived.
The days I remember best also include my wedding & the births of my kids but as time passes and those memories fade I remember best the really happy times with hubby & kids & family and the joys of our big days – daughter’s wedding, kids’ college graduations, winning field goals, soccer PKs, playing BB/Stage II in Hutch, etc. BTW, your wedding, and the weddings of your sisters, would also make my top ten most memorable & wonderful days. Thanks for those memories.
It’s interesting that the Bar is so memorable. I’ll be interested to find out if your KS cousin (and cousin-in-law) feel the same after finishing the KS Bar.
KS Ks – I hope the Bar went smoothly for my cousin and cousin-in-law and that those two days are not as indelibly marked in their psyches as they were in mine. It will be interesting to see if the details of my most memorable days become less vivid as time passes and if they are replaced with new memorable days – graduations, weddings, games, etc. Some interesting questions: do we have limited room in our brains for crisp memory? Do our memories have a certain shelf-life? I am very happy and honored to hear that my wedding and those of my sisters were that memorable for you too