Same War, New Battle?
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I am trying to get involved in the blogosphere, to have my little voice carry in the vast bloggy wilderness. To that end, I visited one of my favorite blogs Suburban Turmoil this afternoon and caught up on a couple of Lindsay’s recent posts where she discussed a porn star mother (Mommy XXX) who will have a reality show. In her post and her newspaper column, Lindsey talked to, and about, this woman and concludes (correctly) that Mommy XXX is exploiting her children. Lindsay nominates her as “THE WORST MOTHER OF ALL TIME.” Moreover, Lindsay (and it seems countless Mommybloggers out there) have articulated outrage at the fact that certain companies are running ads for “family products” on this trashy program. Today, on her blog, Lindsay announced that Kraft has pulled its advertising from Mommy XXX.
Anyway, I am a rabid fan of controversy and a sucker for a good spicy debate, so I weighed in. I suggested that maybe this attack on the ever-delightful Mommy XXX is just another battle in the age-old Mommy War. I suggested that maybe, just maybe, Mommy XXX is a caricature, an easy target for judgment, and that we mothers often leap to judge because we are ourselves fundamentally insecure about our own selves and decisions. Anyway, read on for what I wrote and for Lindsay’s response. {Disclaimer: I do not claim to know all the pertinent details about this Mommy XXX creature. The reactions articulated herein are admittedly based on imperfect information.}
My comment:
Let me preface this by saying I love your blog, your voice, your candor, your ability to lace tales of parenting with irreverent and compelling wit. I even wrote a post on my own blog a while back that was tantamount to a love letter to you about how I look up to you as a fellow Stay-At-Starbucks Mom. The gist? I’m indeed a fan.
That said, I think “you’re feeling sort of thoughtful” about this for a good, if nebulous for now, reason. Now, I am less concerned about the advertising angle to this saga. Frankly, I don’t care where advertisements are run. Perhaps a bleak and cynical view, but I think all of this is guided by the ever-beckoning bottom line and has little to do with ethics and personal and cultural mores. And, yes, maybe advertising in an ideal world would be rooted in moral soil. But we are not talking about ideal worlds here. We are talking about the real world.
I am far more troubled by your vilification of this woman, this Mommy XXX. You keep saying over and over that you don’t care if she is a porn star. But you do, don’t you? You say that you are concerned that she is exploiting her kids, creatures for whom she should care rabidly and protect at all costs and as a mother, of course I agree. But the reality here is that we do not know the whole story. Who is this woman really? What is she like when cameras are not rolling? Are her kids in fact part of the act? Who knows. It almost doesn’t matter. It does appear that this woman is capitalizing on her kids and that is worrisome. It also does seem that she is exposing her youth to terrible things. Again, not good.
BUT. Why is this woman any different than any other mother that appears on reality television? Why is she different than that sunshine-y mommy of 8 or all those sundry desperate housewives? Because her brand is different? She is a commodity, another member of the mommy species wrapped up (by herself and likely a network) in the porn package. Is she a more despicable being because her sexuality is her identity? I don’t know.
What I do know is that there are too many wars between mothers. You know this too. You write eloquently about the battles of these ceaseless wars. We are quick, so quick, to judge other mothers, to point out just why they are failing, just how they are slighting their children, or tainting our society. We are so quick to cast these stones, it seems, because deep down we are ourselves exquisitely imperfect, struggling, insecure souls. Because we are unsure of our own paths and our own decisions. Because probably there are times when each of us feels that pit of worry that we are exploiting ourselves or our kids (by splashing photos on Facebook, or telling personal stories on blogs).
I am NOT saying that Mommy XXX or whoever she is is a wonderful mother. To the contrary, from the little I know of her, she seems like a sad person who is stooping low for that coveted fifteen minutes. Her show sounds like trash. I am not defending her antics. I am just saying that maybe we should try to move away from thinking in blacks and whites, in those subversive binary oppositions of good and bad, when talking about something as complicated as parenthood.
Lindsay’s Response to My Comment:
I totally see your point. However, I have to say that I have a really strong gut feeling about this one, and when I have those, I tend to write about them. 
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I like Lindsay and her blog and her brand of honesty. I have zero doubt that she is a busy, busy woman. But isn’t this response a bit of a cop-out? What if we chalked all of our convictions and judgments up to “gut feelings”? Now she is allowed to write about whatever she wants and I am so glad that she does because I like reading what she has to say. But I think if you are going to call someone the worst mother of all time, you should back it up with thoughtful, if unfinished, reasons that transcend mere gut feelings. Just my piddly two cents on the matter.
Thoughts on this?
For thoughtful reasons that transcend mere gut feelings, please refer back to the two blog posts and one newspaper column I’ve already written on the matter. If you still feel the need for more, feel free to review the many responses I’ve written to other readers in my comments.
Honestly, I don’t know what else there is to say.
It seems to me that Lindsay is entitled to write about whatever she wants on her own blog. This is America after all. On the other hand, if her goal is similar to yours to stimulate honest conversation and attempting to cut through the judgy/competitive nonsense, she isn’t doing well for her cause. Having only read your post and her blog, I would venture to say that Mommy XXX and I aren’t going to be hanging out anytime soon. But, I also have been around enough to know that making snap judgments about people rarely serves me well. I recently learned of a new work colleague who by rumor and appearance appeared to have a charmed life. All of the things I’d heard and observed were true but there was so much more to this woman. Had I dismissed her as a privileged person unworthy of my time, I would have missed out on someone really special.
My point is, even if Mommy XXX is a monster and a terrible mother, how does judging her and causing Kraft to advertise on The Bachelor advance the cause for better, more honest discussion. It seems Lindsay was giving in, as we all do sometimes, to the easy schaudenfreude-esque way out.
I have become such a fan of your blog and love reading Aidan’s topic du jour!
It is truly scary, maybe even alarming and sad to me that so many people are so quick to cast judgment and condemn others over what they do not understand or agree with. How much in life do we miss out on because of such short-sided views?
I absolutely agree with you on all of this. Your blog also makes me think about how often these same issues occur every single day over countless other topics. We all have very different realities which are based on our own life experiences,family influence, the people we surround ourselves with the books we read, and the list goes on and on. We have to be willing to go outside of our own reality and try to understand the world and the people who inhabit it through their unique perspectives. We do not have to agree with other people’s perspectives and choices, but take the time to at least understand them before making up your mind. I am constantly amazed by the opinions others have and the conclusions that others come to just because they are going along with the consensus of their friends, family, co-workers, the evening news – or maybe just their gut feeling.
Aidan,
I agree with you. While I am cannot personally relate to someone who chooses porn as her career, I firmly believe it’s not for any of us to actively interfere with anyone else’s ability to put food on her table. She is not pimping out her children. Does the show have pornographic content or is it a reality show about a big personality (how is this different than any of the other frankly absurd reality shows about people like playboy playmates who live in polygamous situations?)
I do think that to throw “worst mother in the world” around is fairly dramatic – is it any of our rights to make that claim about anyone?
But, as D says, whatever anyone wants to say on their personal blog is their business. It’s the active pursuit of their livelihood that I think is questionable.
I have no idea what the details behind Mommy XXX’s story are, but I don’t think any of us should go after anyone else in this way, certainly not without a very detailed and personal understanding of the situation.
Let’s just leave each other alone. Everybody is doing their best.
Personally, I wouldn’t give a mother the title “Worst Mother in the World” until I interviewed her CHILDREN.
I have seen the show and watched all 7 episodes. The first few episodes were a little racy and obviously Sony is trying to introduce Demi and where she comes from. Then I started to see really great episodes. There was one episode of her Kids doing charity work that they do on a regular basis for the animals. I think that is great and they are Vegans. I am an Animal Rights activist and it is great to see young people so involved.
Another where Demi takes her daughter to the Gyno for the first time. I know Lindsey spoke of them talking about her daughters sex life but I never heard that? I thought it was a good episode, young kids need to know about birth control.
I disagree she is exploiting her kids they are teenagers who i’m sure had a say. How many people watch Tory and Dean? The infant and toddler are they being exploited Lindsey? Or is it ok because she is not a pornstar even though you said you don’t care about that? You say you like Rock Of Love? Doesnt she have sex with everyone on the show? FYI I did some research on Mommy XXX and she is a retired pornstar and her daughter is a straight A Honor roll student and her son is in Culinary Arts school and is a musician. Sounds like she did better than most mothers I know. Kudos to Mommy XXX.
I guess all companies like Kraft (who lets not forget also owns Marlboro cigarettes) should pull there ads from All reality shows with there kids in it. Denise Richards has her kids on her show, Pamela Anderson who also had Ginormous boobs has her kids on it, what about Octogon Mom and Jon and Kate plus eight.
Sounds like an attack against pornstars from personal insecurities.
Delany
(50 Something liberal Mom)
Lindsay –
I have read your two blog posts and your newspaper column and while these were patently well-articulated pieces (as your pieces tend to be), I was left with an uneasy feeling about the detectable undercurrent of moral judgment about a human being, a mother, whom none of us knows much about.
I’ve been following the additional comments on your blog and in a recent one, you raise the interesting question of whether it is ever okay to judge and you conclude that it is. Perhaps a shocker, but I agree with you. Life cannot proceed without judgments. It creates order, mental and cultural. It allows us to make decisions and move forward. We cannot possibly have perfect information on everyone and every situation. This is reality. Interestingly, there was something compelling woven into this reply to one of your reader – an honest, humble admission that you are in fact judging – that was absent from your earlier treatments of the matter. Somehow, owning the fact that we are people, flawed people and flawed parents, and that we judge and that this is an inescapable fact of the human condition, makes this all more understandable. I get it. Believe me. The very notion of a woman exposing her progeny to the porn industry turns my stomach too. We are allowed our “gut feelings” and our instinctive judgments. And furthermore we are allowed to write about them. But let’s call them what they are. Subjective judgments rendered based on imperfect information and emotional response.
I genuinely thank you for starting this conversation. And I hope it continues on your blog, on mine, and beyond.
Aidan — I’m so glad you started this dialogue. I am also a fan of Suburban Turmoil and had almost exactly the same reaction you did to her recent post. Yet you articulated it way better than I ever could have. Interesting.
I noticed alot of women are saying she is exploiting her kids for her own website and adult career. Did anyone bother to check her website out (www.demidelia.com) ? Because I don’t see any porn or nudity or any links to porn or nudity. In fact when I visited Ms. Delia’s site I saw a diary where she talks about her kids and family life a few times a week. I saw an animal rights page and a link to her show which leads you to Crackle. There is no membership or ads from other companies it is clearly a fan page for her to reach out to her fans and she candidly shares her life with them.
Isn’t Lindsey exploiting her daughter on her blog then? She has pictures of her daughter posted and she IS getting money for ads on her blog. Did her daughter have a choice to have her picture plastered all over the internet and now because her mother has spoken out about a pornstar will her daughters picture come up when you do a google search of Demi? Chances are it already does. So in a sense she exposed her daughter to the ever forbidden ‘Porn World’.
Everyone has a right to speak out, I have never been a porn fan and I would not have even seen the show had it not been for Lindseys post, but I have to say I don’t get what everyone is so uptight about. I just saw a birthday episode on there with her daughter and I did’nt see any porn.
Nevertheless i’m sure Mommy XXX is having the last laugh in this situation. Everyone knows good or bad press is always good press for the show. They definately stirred you all up.
D – unsurprisingly, you make some strong, salient points. What would this world be if we relied solely on snap judgments? Surely, we would miss out on good people who happened to be “packaged” in ways we don’t normally like or align ourselves with.
Elizabeth – You say: “We have to be willing to go outside of our own reality and try to understand the world and the people who inhabit it through their unique perspectives. We do not have to agree with other people’s perspectives and choices, but take the time to at least understand them before making up your mind.” Right on. How sad, how pathetic, how limited, our lives would be if we did not make the effort to step outside ourselves, our own doubts, our own fears, our own judgments, our own neurois, and attempt that proverbial “open mind.” I genuinely appreciate your astute comment.
Lindsey – You raise an important question. Is it really okay for any of us to interfere with the right of a fellow citizen to put food on the table? And does the fact that she has a big personality make her any different than any of the other reality “mavens” out there? Doubtful.
Mama – good point! Maybe I will seek out an exclusive interview with those XXX kids. Seriously, is it up to us to render someone the “worst mother”?
Delaney – Welcome! I appreciate your voice and the many facts you bring. I love that you have happened upon my blog with a bevy of empirical insight on this sordid matter!
aidan- i’m pretty positive you can guess where i stand on this one, given the tone i had in my “sober drunks” post this week. the judgment is astoundingly horrific in my opinion.