Sexy Silence
- 08
- 03
- 09
Calm down. This is not a post about sex. Well, yes it is. Kind of.
This morning was business as usual. Husband and I sipped coffee and wrangled babies and watched bits of the Today Show between episodes of SpongeBob and Dora. At a certain point, I whipped out Laptop and began my morning surfing. One of my first stops was White Hot Truth where I stumbled upon a stellar post called Monday Morning Sex Talk. Just those four words embarrassed me. But of course I had to keep reading. Of course. Because this is what happens. We see the word ‘sex’ and we become intrigued and tantalized. That is why you will not stop reading this now.
Told you so.
In this insightful post, entrepreneurial fire-starter extraordinaire Danielle LaPorte bemoans the fact that even the most shiny, wide-awake, conscious, honest souls among us don’t talk about sex. LaPorte suggests that this is problematic insofar as what we talk about, the ideas we revere and explore, represent what matters to us. Ergo, not talking about sex is tantamount to deeming it unimportant.
LaPorte makes an interesting argument, namely that there is a fundamental and deep connection between sexual existence and total existence. She writes, “You can be sure that your sex life is a microcosm of the macrosm of your entire life. Deep but quiet. Repressed. Rigorous. Loving but slightly aggressive. Playful and sweet. Dutiful. Whatever is going down in the sack is going ‘round in your life as a greater theme. So maybe we should talk about it more. At least to ourselves.”
Fascinating thought. Compelling theory. One which we will likely never be proven true or false, well, because no one talks about sex. But I wonder whether there is more to this phenomenon of universal sexy silence? Why don’t we talk more (with each other or ourselves) about sex? Is it really because we rank it low on the list of priorities? Or does this have more to do with old school embarrassment, notions of privacy and propriety, deeply-entrenched cultural mores? Why is this subject so off limits publicly and psychically?
Or, maybe it’s not. Maybe there are plenty of you out there who talk about sex morning, noon, and night. And maybe doing so does not turn your cheeks pink or make you cringe or giggle. But there are some of us (me) who are a little more tentative, a little more reserved, a little more uncertain about tackling this topic. And maybe I like many of you need what LaPorte calls a “Sexy Shake Up.” Maybe it behooves all of us to ask ourselves a few of the questions LaPorte provocatively poses: “What if we treated our sex lives with the same importance as our diet? What if we put as much effort into cultivating our sexuality as we did our intellect? What if we talked about our sex lives like we talked about, say, our health, or our satisfaction with work?”
Just typing this post makes me anxious. Good thing I have a blog called Ivy League Insecurities and not Ivy League Invincibility. Don’t worry (Mom, Grammy, Husband, Me), I’m not going to start a revolution of sexual awareness on this blog. Tomorrow I will go back to posting about decidedly PG subjects like potty training and privilege. But I felt compelled to do this post because my friend Danielle is on to something. There is something, something big, we are not talking about (enough). So, I decided to talk about that thing. Or, at least talk about the fact that we’re not talking about it. Hey, it’s a start.
Why do we not talk about sex more? Why is it so often relegated to the “cultural fringe” of society and consciousness? Why the abundance of sexy silence? I bet you are all too embarrassed to even comment on this one. Prove me wrong!
Everyone struggles and...
Sex, ah sex! What a beautiful word not often spoken enough. I agree that sex is not discussed nearly enough between the two people having it in a marriage. It seems to get lost; bumped to the bottom of the long laundry list of things to do in a day. Yet, it is perhaps one of the most important things in a happy marriage. The connection, the security, the endorphins…all play a role in a happy day and a happy marriage. I find that my experience on a social level is actually slightly different and I’m not sure if that’s because I’m part of the minority world of lesbians but we seem to talk about sex quite a lot amongst our friends at least. The openness among a group of women who’s identity is often characterized by who they sleep with seems to lend itself to an exchange of sexual communication that doesn’t seem to happen in the straight female community. On the other hand, between couples I think the problem runs across all sexual orientation lines. For me, it’s as simple as the airplane rule. You know the rule, it’s the one the friendly stewardess tells you when you are going through the safety check before you take off. “In the event the cabin loses pressure, your oxygen masks will drop down. Please put one on yourself first before assisting someone else.” Ok, so I’m not sure that is the speech verbatim but the general idea is there. Anyway, the point is that you can’t possibly help someone else, say your child, if you are incapacitated. The same can be applied to your marriage and family. It’s hard to be a good partner/wife/husband if you are not happy with yourself first; it’s hard to be a happy married couple if you don’t take care of the marriage first. This concept of selfless selfishness is something that rings in my head quite often and when I feel like my sex life is taking a back seat to doing laundry, paying bills, watching TV, hanging out with other people, going shopping etc…I remember this mantra and make sure I make sex the number one priority for my personal health, the health of my marriage and ultimately the health of family…hey, and it doesn’t feel too bad either.
Christ, you’re articulate. Now go get yer sexy on….
Interesting post. I don’t talk often about sex owing as much to the fact that as my life has gotten more complex, kids, career, husband that travels etc, it has declined in prominence in my life. It is something that my husband and I both lament and both of us want rectified but we probably don’t talk about it more because in some ways we don’t feel like we can do anything about it at this point. I imagine that sex talk is banished to the fringes because often it involves so much more than just honest talk. It can be used as a form of harassment or objectification in some contexts. In other situations, among friends or frenemies, honest sex talk about frequency practices etc can provoke competitiveness/ insecurity that others are “doing more often, better, etc). Sex can be one more way people can feel like they are failing at life and if forced to talk about it, they’ll lie, even anonymously. (Ever see the frequency polls on ub/ybm, it seems I am the only one not getting it on 5X/week!) Okay now I’m getting embarassed ….
Marina – thank you for the thoughtful comment. You raise a number of compelling points and questions. Is there a minority/majority distinction (be it sexual orientation, race, ethnicity) in levels of conversation about sexuality? The idea that you cannot genuinely help someone else without reaching a modicum of happiness and satisfaction yourself is another salient point.
Danielle LaPorte – Thank you. I have you to thank for making my brain buzz on this one!
D – Interesting notion that people might refrain from talking about sex because either 1) they feel like it is not something they can control or alter; or 2) honest exchanges about sex might create fodder for competition which is already intense among women. Also, fascinating point re: propensities to lie about sex. Even in an anonymous forum. A topic worth exploring further… Also, you make an astute point re: the complications of sex talk. In this world, any talk in any context can often be construed as harassment or objectification.
No comment