Comments on: Fertile Thoughts http://www.ivyleagueinsecurities.com/2009/10/fertile-thoughts/ Ivy league Insecurites Thu, 09 Feb 2012 21:26:57 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.4 By: VioLynn http://www.ivyleagueinsecurities.com/2009/10/fertile-thoughts/#comment-942 VioLynn Sat, 24 Oct 2009 22:02:32 +0000 http://ivyleagueinsecurities.com/?p=2797#comment-942 Found this post after googling "i'm not done, I want one more child" so I completely GET IT! I have three (three!) kids already--2 boys and a girl--you'd think that would be enough. I am tired, our plates our full and still....and still. I always wanted a big family, I still feel like there's another child out there waiting for us. We could do it financially but energetically? Not so sure. I hate *hate* this wanting, wanting though, because it takes away from what I already have in the here and now. Trying very hard to sort this out. Found this post after googling “i’m not done, I want one more child” so I completely GET IT! I have three (three!) kids already–2 boys and a girl–you’d think that would be enough. I am tired, our plates our full and still….and still. I always wanted a big family, I still feel like there’s another child out there waiting for us. We could do it financially but energetically? Not so sure. I hate *hate* this wanting, wanting though, because it takes away from what I already have in the here and now. Trying very hard to sort this out.

]]> By: Danielle-lee http://www.ivyleagueinsecurities.com/2009/10/fertile-thoughts/#comment-854 Danielle-lee Thu, 15 Oct 2009 23:15:39 +0000 http://ivyleagueinsecurities.com/?p=2797#comment-854 Sigh. I have so much to say. First, I have had baby fever for about 9 months now. 9 long months, that could have culminated in a baby by now. The feelings are raw, real, and so damn strong. I can't even explain it, although I think most women who have had this ache can understand it. This fever hasn't gone away. Hasn't gone away in spite of my hubby's money concerns, despite the slowing economy that has slowed down my hubby's business A TON, despite my own concerns about finishing grad school w/ a newborn. I gave up the dream of another child right now, so that our family's stress level would be at some sort of even keel. I gave up the dream b/c I have a monsterous dream of being a master's level social worker, and making a large scale difference in society. But this dream is not gone. I may have put it on a shelf, but it's still here, beckoning me, non-stop. In reference to other dreams- I don't think we give them up. Sometimes I just think they change, over time, and become something different, but still the same, ya k now? Sigh.
I have so much to say.
First, I have had baby fever for about 9 months now. 9 long months, that could have culminated in a baby by now. The feelings are raw, real, and so damn strong. I can’t even explain it, although I think most women who have had this ache can understand it.
This fever hasn’t gone away. Hasn’t gone away in spite of my hubby’s money concerns, despite the slowing economy that has slowed down my hubby’s business A TON, despite my own concerns about finishing grad school w/ a newborn.
I gave up the dream of another child right now, so that our family’s stress level would be at some sort of even keel. I gave up the dream b/c I have a monsterous dream of being a master’s level social worker, and making a large scale difference in society.
But this dream is not gone. I may have put it on a shelf, but it’s still here, beckoning me, non-stop.
In reference to other dreams-
I don’t think we give them up. Sometimes I just think they change, over time, and become something different, but still the same, ya k now?

]]> By: BigLittleWolf http://www.ivyleagueinsecurities.com/2009/10/fertile-thoughts/#comment-851 BigLittleWolf Thu, 15 Oct 2009 17:32:53 +0000 http://ivyleagueinsecurities.com/?p=2797#comment-851 Wanting to keep this upbeat... Wanting to express so much, from a different point in life than you are at... Wanting to tell you to inhale every moment of those sweet babies, and cling to those good marriages and honest loving men. Wanting to reassure you that while some dreams die, because they must, they echo in your night dreaming and bring relief... Wanting to reassure you that while other dreams die, in their ashes, new dreams you may never expect are born - just as wondrous, perhaps more so because with age there is so much loss and so much possible disillusionment. I say possible - because there is also a fine and delicate appreciation for what really matters. The hand of a lover in your own, now and then, to remind you that you are still here, a woman, a man, connected. The face of your child becoming an adult - open and strong and confident - because you did your job as a parent. Words in a book that you couldn't possibly fully comprehend 20 years earlier because you hadn't lived the joys and dramas that are a natural part of life. Choices, non-choices, consequences, reinvention. Wanting to say that all life is miraculous, and if not a child of your flesh than a child who NEEDS your love, your attentiveness, your wisdom. Wanting to say - never stop wanting, but want with your heart first. Wanting to keep this upbeat… Wanting to express so much, from a different point in life than you are at… Wanting to tell you to inhale every moment of those sweet babies, and cling to those good marriages and honest loving men. Wanting to reassure you that while some dreams die, because they must, they echo in your night dreaming and bring relief… Wanting to reassure you that while other dreams die, in their ashes, new dreams you may never expect are born – just as wondrous, perhaps more so because with age there is so much loss and so much possible disillusionment.

I say possible – because there is also a fine and delicate appreciation for what really matters. The hand of a lover in your own, now and then, to remind you that you are still here, a woman, a man, connected. The face of your child becoming an adult – open and strong and confident – because you did your job as a parent. Words in a book that you couldn’t possibly fully comprehend 20 years earlier because you hadn’t lived the joys and dramas that are a natural part of life. Choices, non-choices, consequences, reinvention.

Wanting to say that all life is miraculous, and if not a child of your flesh than a child who NEEDS your love, your attentiveness, your wisdom. Wanting to say – never stop wanting, but want with your heart first.

]]> By: D http://www.ivyleagueinsecurities.com/2009/10/fertile-thoughts/#comment-849 D Thu, 15 Oct 2009 04:32:48 +0000 http://ivyleagueinsecurities.com/?p=2797#comment-849 I think we all cling to the idea that no matter how good we have it, we deserve everything we want and therefore should get it. We may know rationally that being a good person doesn't mean the things you want will always happen, but that doesn't stop us from feeling slighted when they don't. I am a case in point. I am so lucky in so many ways, I have a job I enjoy and do well, a handsome husband that I adore and adores me, 2 healthy, gorgeous, well-adjusted kids (a girl and a boy) and a comfortable home. In short, I have nothing to complain about, everything to be satisfied about and yet here I am, about to turn 39 and I am consumed with the notion I have to figure my life out in the next year. I guess there is a part of me that still thinks I am destined for something bigger and better than what I've encountered, even while knowing I have a wonderful life. Still, there have been many times I have thought I wanted something , not gotten it, and realized after the fact that I was so lucky I didn't get what I wanted. I suppose wanting is just a part of life, just as coping and appreciating the gifts we have been given are integral as well. If we stop wanting or striving, I think we stop truly living. I think we all cling to the idea that no matter how good we have it, we deserve everything we want and therefore should get it. We may know rationally that being a good person doesn’t mean the things you want will always happen, but that doesn’t stop us from feeling slighted when they don’t.
I am a case in point. I am so lucky in so many ways, I have a job I enjoy and do well, a handsome husband that I adore and adores me, 2 healthy, gorgeous, well-adjusted kids (a girl and a boy) and a comfortable home. In short, I have nothing to complain about, everything to be satisfied about and yet here I am, about to turn 39 and I am consumed with the notion I have to figure my life out in the next year. I guess there is a part of me that still thinks I am destined for something bigger and better than what I’ve encountered, even while knowing I have a wonderful life.
Still, there have been many times I have thought I wanted something , not gotten it, and realized after the fact that I was so lucky I didn’t get what I wanted. I suppose wanting is just a part of life, just as coping and appreciating the gifts we have been given are integral as well. If we stop wanting or striving, I think we stop truly living.

]]> By: Meme: an idea — Momalom http://www.ivyleagueinsecurities.com/2009/10/fertile-thoughts/#comment-848 Meme: an idea — Momalom Thu, 15 Oct 2009 01:42:47 +0000 http://ivyleagueinsecurities.com/?p=2797#comment-848 [...] (used to be RED) 30. When was the last time you laughed? moments ago 31. Last time you cried? moments ago 32. Your best friend? jen 33. One place that you go over and over? my mind, save me 34. One [...] [...] (used to be RED) 30. When was the last time you laughed? moments ago 31. Last time you cried? moments ago 32. Your best friend? jen 33. One place that you go over and over? my mind, save me 34. One [...]

]]> By: Sarah http://www.ivyleagueinsecurities.com/2009/10/fertile-thoughts/#comment-847 Sarah Thu, 15 Oct 2009 00:55:08 +0000 http://ivyleagueinsecurities.com/?p=2797#comment-847 Phew. Like Mama, I have written about my three boys, and my desire for a daughter. It is fierce. It pulls at me. I feel equally fulfilled by my three boys and incredibly lonely because of them. People offer me things like "boys love their mothers, you'll have mama's boys" and "you'll be glad you have boys when they get older - less drama." Yeah, I know. I know all of it. What I don't know is what it would be like to raise a girl. How it would change me and my sons and, most of all, my husband. When I think that this is it, this is my family, I will remain the only vagina in this household, it pains me. I cry. I cry a lot about this. About my fading dream. I want another female in this house. So desperately it's almost embarrassing. Alas my husband is done - half a step away from a vasectomy himself. But I won't let him. I am not ready to shut the door for good. I need to know there is still a possibility out there somewhere. For another child. Even if she is a he. I don't feel finished yet. I want to keep the dream alive a little longer. Phew. Like Mama, I have written about my three boys, and my desire for a daughter. It is fierce. It pulls at me. I feel equally fulfilled by my three boys and incredibly lonely because of them. People offer me things like “boys love their mothers, you’ll have mama’s boys” and “you’ll be glad you have boys when they get older – less drama.” Yeah, I know. I know all of it. What I don’t know is what it would be like to raise a girl. How it would change me and my sons and, most of all, my husband. When I think that this is it, this is my family, I will remain the only vagina in this household, it pains me. I cry. I cry a lot about this. About my fading dream.

I want another female in this house. So desperately it’s almost embarrassing. Alas my husband is done – half a step away from a vasectomy himself. But I won’t let him. I am not ready to shut the door for good. I need to know there is still a possibility out there somewhere. For another child. Even if she is a he. I don’t feel finished yet. I want to keep the dream alive a little longer.

]]> By: Mama http://www.ivyleagueinsecurities.com/2009/10/fertile-thoughts/#comment-846 Mama Wed, 14 Oct 2009 23:27:45 +0000 http://ivyleagueinsecurities.com/?p=2797#comment-846 And like Gale says, I also feel some guilt that I have such privileged sadness. I'm sad, but look how much I have -- an abundance. So many people have no children at all, or struggle with infertility, or lose children. My disappointments? I am blessed to have them. And like Gale says, I also feel some guilt that I have such privileged sadness. I’m sad, but look how much I have — an abundance. So many people have no children at all, or struggle with infertility, or lose children. My disappointments? I am blessed to have them.

]]> By: Mama http://www.ivyleagueinsecurities.com/2009/10/fertile-thoughts/#comment-845 Mama Wed, 14 Oct 2009 22:08:10 +0000 http://ivyleagueinsecurities.com/?p=2797#comment-845 Thanks, Aidan. When I was 30, I had two babies too, close in age to yours now (my firstborn was 2, my now middle child was 4 months old). I was pretty sure I would have one more child, and it never dawned on me that I would someday feel this way -- facing the closing door, realizing that my fertile days are ending, wondering what comes next. And I always just assumed that I would have at least one of each, so I never allowed myself to entertain the idea of not getting what I wanted. I do want what I have, I just want more. It is hard for me. And as you suspect, it's not the only dream I am watching gather dust ans wither right now. I think that is leading to my mid-30s melancholy. I'm working on it. Thanks, Aidan. When I was 30, I had two babies too, close in age to yours now (my firstborn was 2, my now middle child was 4 months old). I was pretty sure I would have one more child, and it never dawned on me that I would someday feel this way — facing the closing door, realizing that my fertile days are ending, wondering what comes next. And I always just assumed that I would have at least one of each, so I never allowed myself to entertain the idea of not getting what I wanted.

I do want what I have, I just want more. It is hard for me. And as you suspect, it’s not the only dream I am watching gather dust ans wither right now. I think that is leading to my mid-30s melancholy. I’m working on it.

]]> By: Gale http://www.ivyleagueinsecurities.com/2009/10/fertile-thoughts/#comment-844 Gale Wed, 14 Oct 2009 22:07:19 +0000 http://ivyleagueinsecurities.com/?p=2797#comment-844 It's hard. It's hard to say you want more when there are so many people who have so much less. But I don't think the guilt should keep us from dreaming, or having goals, or working hard to realize those dreams and goals. And the "more" that we want isn't, by definition, selfish. Sometimes wanting more can mean more purpose or more significance. More of something that helps other people. It’s hard. It’s hard to say you want more when there are so many people who have so much less. But I don’t think the guilt should keep us from dreaming, or having goals, or working hard to realize those dreams and goals. And the “more” that we want isn’t, by definition, selfish. Sometimes wanting more can mean more purpose or more significance. More of something that helps other people.

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