The Body Thing
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I love girls.
Calm down. You know what I mean. I am not suddenly going Lindsay Lohan on you in a sad attempt to fuel gossip and garner attention. I do love girls though. I grew up with four sisters. I now have two daughters. I want more. We all know that I want more.
But there is one thing that scares me about having girls. The body thing. It is my theory (hardly revolutionary) that every single female on this planet has body issues and issues with food. Sure, there is a continuum. A vast one with many shades. There are people who unfortunately suffer from deadly eating disorders on the one end and lucky souls who say they don’t think about food or fret about body. But (a) I don’t believe anyone who says she doesn’t think about these things; (b) the vast majority of us fall somewhere in between the two extremes and spend some time thinking and talking and worrying about our bodies, what they look like, and what we want them to look like.
Fine. So what?
The so what is that now I have two little girls to raise and I worry that everything I do and don’t do and say and don’t say is shaping them. And then if I really think about it, I realize that there are so many influences beyond neurotic little me that will ultimately inform how they view themselves and their own bodies. Their toys. Their friends. Their teachers. The media. Men. The list is endless. Cheerio.
As a rookie blogger, I spend a fair bit of time cruising around the Internet and in the past few days, I have stumbled upon several posts that confirm that I am right to be thinking (and, yes, worrying) about such things. First, I read a heart-breaking post written by Lena Lotsey of Cheeky Lotus about how her seven-year-old daughter said she wanted to die because of her body flaws. Second, I read an interesting post by Linda of All & Sundry about whether it is okay to talk (and blog!) about fitness and weight loss while still supporting the cause against chronic body image dissatisfaction. Third, I read my friend Lindsey of A Design So Vast‘s post about the hoopla over a nude photo in Glamour magazine of a gorgeous, but normal-sized, model. Finally, I read a post by Lindsay Ferrier of Suburban Turmoil about Barbies (and more). Yes, Barbies! Ferrier asks that age-old question about whether dolls should be rendered more realistic so as not to send the wrong message to our little girls.
But what is the right message? How are we supposed to know what message to send to our babies if we don’t know what message to send each other? To send ourselves? I don’t know.
So much to think about. But I for one am going to think about it. Because I want to do whatever I can to nurture happy and healthy little girls who are not obsessed with bodily perfection. As impossible as this might ultimately be.
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Do you agree that all women have some issue with body and food? (I am well aware that many, if all, men do too – hey, there are now male Spanx and they are selling – but I am talking about women and girls here.) How much control do we have as parents and role models over the attitudes our little girls adopt?
man this is so tough. i have NO idea. right now my almost 7 year old daughter has no idea about that stuff. she’s totally confident in herself and how she looks and has never said otherwise. i just think i’ll have to cross that bridge when i get to it. i have no idea what i’ll say except that she’s beautiful and perfect the way she is.
At this point in my life I thankfully fall somewhere into the vast majority of women who are in the middle. That wasn’t always true. From 15 to 17 I was, well, too thin. The reasons are long and complicated and personal. But I will say this, I read Lena’s post and I think she’s spot on.
If our kids think that our diet and exercise regimes are merely a function of which jeans do/don’t fit at the moment, that’s what they’ll believe. But if they see us exercise because “it’s a beautiful day outside” or “it gives me so much more energy” or “I want to be stronger” that sends a much different message than “I can’t believe I’m so fat!”
And so once I’d been through enough therapy to understand why I was the way I was I made a vow similar to Lena’s. I will endorse healthy living and healthy eating for the right reasons. And on the inevitable days when my skinny jeans don’t fit quite right, I will keep it to myself.
Sometimes I think that the more we talk about girls having self-esteem problems and obsessing over appearance and weight, the more ingrained in their minds it is that they WILL have those issues. In general I think that the best way you can help your daughter is to project a healthy body image yourself to set an example — exercise and live health-consciously, but without obsessing about counting calories or the latest fad diet. If kids see that being at peace with your body is an option (contrary to what the media says), maybe that will help?
Myself, I had short hair as a kid and was often mistaken for a boy, so I never felt “pretty”… but I don’t think that’s really scarred me now, as an adult. Maybe it was better to have built whatever self-esteem I did without it being based on my appearance? Who knows… I don’t really have body issues now, I have other issues :p
I worry about this all of the time while raising my daughter. I do know that I have to have a good body image first before I can teach her that. This is where my problem lays!
I am working on it though and hopefully by the time she understands it, I will have a grasp.
I have two daughters too so… I get it.
This brought to mind one of my favorite quotes:
”A mother who radiates self acceptance and self love actually vaccinates her daughter against low self esteem”. Naomi Wolf
I try to live by this. Kids don’t always listen. But they ALWAYS imitate.
It’s definitely a tough thing to think about and I don’t envy your position. If I were to offer advice, I’d say get your girls involved in sports. I was constantly running around as a kid and while I often felt like I wasn’t pretty enough, I don’t remember ever having problems with my weight. (I also played with Barbies.) Let them know they can talk to you and ask questions about it, but I think teaching by example is probably stronger here. And when it comes to eating, focus on health over looks.
It’s a good yet scary thing to think about. Unfortunately, there’s only so much you can control about what your girls will be exposed to, but I think, over time, you’ll find the influence of you and your husband is a lot stronger than you may think.
Like many women, I am dissatisfied with my body and probably will always be. My daughter is 8 years old and happily, does not seem to have any body issues right now. She is extremely lucky though because until age 5 despite being active and eating healthy, she was a little chubby. (I feel a bit strange writing that, as if there was anything wrong with being a chubby toddler). Then gradually over the past three years, she grew taller and stopped gaining weight just as kids started noticing that sort of thing. I am very careful to not say negative things about my body in front of her. I agree that kids are all about imitation . I run 4 times a week and I always tell my daughter I do it to stay healthy. As a result, she has asked to go with me to the track. We also take tennis lessons together every summer. I am sure her lack of issues is a combination of her metabolism and hopefully, my example of keeping fit. I hope both of these facts hold through the teenage years. It is a constant worry for me that she’ll ever think the things I think about my body.
I have 2 girls too. My oldest is now at the age I was when my “chubby phase” hit. And I never left… through most of my adulthood. Even now I am not “thin”, but have finally hit a level of healthy I can maintain and am fairly happy about (though I still want to lose 10 more, the “forever 10″). I just find myself freaking out for her… waiting for her “phase” to hit. She wants to eat all the time… has ALWAYS been orally fixated.
I want her to love herself, yet the struggles with feeling comfortable with my young body are so fresh. Always tugging at my clothes, hating tank tops because my arms were the fattest. Looking to see if I was the “fattest” in the group. I often was.
Oh, this hits such a touch point for me. I have struggled with weight all my life, well, since 2nd grade. I am in better shape now than I was in my early 20′s… even teens. I look at the picture of that model and I think… “Oh. Wow. It’s not just me!” I am active and healthy and eat sugar and have flab. I have had 3 babies.
I don’t know where I’m going with this (just did a 4 mile run!). I just know I am one of those people who has thought about weight almost every waking moment. Less now. I don’t think about food first thing when I wake up anymore. I do hop on the scale every morning tho. *sigh* I know I see my body different than others do… I just want my daughters to not be bound like I was and still am. Now… how to do that. Thanks for writing this.
And thanks for coming by and commenting the other day. SO glad we connected. I sure like you
This is such an emotional topic for most people because, let’s face it, people judge you based on what you look like. Is it wrong, to some extent, yes (I don’t think I have the time or space to articulate why I think that appearances do matter in some circumstances), but people do it.
I have struggled with body image on and off, or at least I have fought with it to varying degrees ever since college. My problem is that I cannot physically see myself the way others can. Put me next to someone that wears the same size pants as me and I will see myself and bigger. It is a perception issue. To that end, I can sit here and tell you that I have never been fat by medical standards, but the truth of the matter is I have always, always wanted to be a little bit skinnier. I am naturally a little person, but I cannot stop obsessing about how my stomach looks. Okay, too much into personal information. Back to Aidan’s post . . .
I don’t know what my parents could have done differently that would have prevented me from feeling this way. They were, for the most part, supportive of me. Although I am realizing as I get older that I had to have learned to be so critical of myself from someone. I have high expectations for myself and am a perfectionist. I think that may have come from my mom, but I can’t pinpoint any of her behaviors that I remember that would have guided me in that direction. My mom was never a diet restricter or crazy exerciser either and I can’t remember her EVER, EVER saying that she was fat or that she didn’t like the way she looked. I don’t ever remember her saying anything to that extent to my sister or me either. We have always eaten pretty healthy in my family as well, but just for that reason, to be healthy.
This is a really interesting topic, but I think I would need a lot of therapy to figure out why I am the way I am, and I’m not sure it would boil down to anything my parents did or didn’t do. I think it is a combination of environment (both in the home and otherwise) and perpetual low-self esteem.
I am raising two boys but I grew up with two sisters. My dad made a big difference in how I feel about myself. He often told my sisters and me that we are smart and beautiful and we can do anything we put our minds to and be anything we want to be. I heard this almost daily. When my first love high school boyfriend started to compare me to other girls, I remembered my dad’s words. The boyfriend got the boot. Had I not heard those affriming words over and over I could have fallen into a trap of trying to be what the boyfriend wanted in every way. That’s fighting a losing battle.
Having said that, not all body and beauty pressure comes from men. Chris Rock was on The View last week promoting a documentary about hair and what women go through, specifically black women, to achieve a look. The View ladies questioned if black women were trying to mimic white women’s hair styles because black men like the smooth, glossy hair of white women. Chris Rock pointed out that the birth rate in this country is as high as ever, meaning men like women, no matter the hair style and color or body shape. That’s the truth, men will always want women. It seems that most of the pressure for looking a certain way comes from within ourselves as we size ourselves up to another woman. We don’t need a man to point out the differences, we can see them just fine by ourselves.
I feel for the mothers raising daughters these days because there is no shortage of TV shows and magazine covers promoting beautiful bodies, flat tummies, perfect chests, flawless skin and blown-out hair. But I know that I saw similar “stuff” when I was growing up and understood much of that is not real life. I looked to my mother to know what a real lady is like and I listened to my dad. Barbie is a doll, nothing more.
This is why parenting is the hardest job ever. So much is riding on what we say and do. Back to my boys. Does it help to know that while you moms of girls are trying to figure this out I’ll be teaching my boys to have the utmost respect for girls and women? I realize they are boys and will have boy thoughts but I want them to understand the value of a woman and thata woman gets more beautiful when you see her heart and her strength.
As a recovering/recovered anorexic, I’m not sure I can say what could have been different in my life in order to prevent my eating disorder(s). I know that I did not feel the kind of love from my father that a child should, and I know that I saw my mother dieting and getting facials and all sorts of other beauty regimens. I know that I’ve never felt good enough or perfect enough or accomplished enough. All I can suggest is praising your daughters for their strengths, helping them through their weaknesses, making sure they know how much you love them at all times, and not having unrealistic expectations (encourage them to set their own and help them to meet them). Be honest. And just be there. Open up the lines of communication about these topics. I’ve never spoken to my mom about how I feel about myself or my body. Perhaps that would’ve helped growing up? Like I said, I don’t know if anything could have prevented my eating disorders…some people might just be predisposed…but I think those things can help. Oh, and love yourself. Don’t ever forget that part.