Should We Stop Sharing?
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About a year ago, I took Toddler for a “play date” at a prospective preschool on the Upper East Side. Some of you might know that in Manhattan speak, “play date” means interview. Yes, that’s right. To get into preschool, my little girl was interviewed and evaluated by teachers and administrators and heads of school. All under the guise of play. My theory is that it is the parents who are being sussed out during these little school visits, but that it is for another post. A good one, too.
At this particular play date, Toddler and three other girls were let loose in a classroom. We moms were told to hang back and let our children roam and explore. Toddler did just that. She motored around the small space, doing wonderful things. She pretended to read a book to the lone fish in the tank whom she fondly introduced to a note-taking teacher as Nemo. She played a little peg game, placing those little pegs in the holes with speed and precision. She uttered words I didn’t know she knew. She smiled at me from afar. She skipped around the room, her tiny pigtails bouncing. She even cleaned up when prompted.
But then. Things took a turn. In the little pretend kitchen, Toddler spotted a basket of plastic vegetables. One by one, she pulled them out and named them. Impressive. But then another little girl approached and reached for the eggplant. From a short distance, I saw Toddler’s expression shift. She grabbed for the eggplant and pulled it close to her. And then Toddler rapidly threw all of the faux veggies back in the basket and hid the basket under a tiny wooden chair. The other little girl started to scream. Toddler kept her cool, crouching down on the carpet, protecting her vegetables. The other little girl was inconsolable, crying big fat tears into her mom’s slacks. Her mom glared at me.
I muttered a quick apology. I muttered something to Toddler about how she needed to share. But then the head of the school who had been silent for the entirety of this “play date” spoke up.
“She is hoarding,” the head of school said to me, smiling big. “That’s a sign of intelligence. At this developmental stage, they are not supposed to share or know how to. She will learn how to share in school.”
I smiled. Who knew my not-even-two-year-old would woo the appropriate party by not sharing. Ultimately, we decided to apply early to a West Side school (yes, early decision for preschool. Yet another post.) so we withdrew our application from this East Side school. But I liked that school. A lot. And that woman’s words stuck with me.
Yesterday, Husband and I were outside with the girls. (We are still in South Carolina.) Husband carried Baby and I carried Toddler along a stone path. For a moment, Husband was far enough ahead of us that we couldn’t see him. Toddler asked where her sister was.
“She’s right up there,” I said, speeding my stride, pointing. And then I asked her a question, in retrospect a bizarre and tricky one. “Is she your baby sister or your best friend?”
“Both, Mom,” Toddler said. The perfect reply. And then she continued. “My sister and I can share everything. We can share toys. And snacks. And we can share all the trees!”
This last bit was my favorite. This image of my little girls sharing all the trees. Sharing something that wasn’t even theirs.
In this moment, it struck me: she has learned to share. (Witness the pretzel stick evidence above.) She has learned to articulate thoughts about the concept of sharing. I thought about her one year ago, in that fierce frenzy, in that foreign place, protecting plastic produce.
She is pretty good at sharing with her sister. But not always. They get in little battles over toys and snacks. They have not yet gone to the mat over the trees. We are immensely thankful for Baby’s friend who gifted us recently with two babies. One for each girl. For those times when no one is in the mood to share.
These babies now come with us everywhere. Including on this trip. The girls take good care of these babies. They rock them. And burp them. And put them to sleep. Thank goodness for these babies. But still. Sometimes, often actually, they fight over the pink baby. I am not sure they understand pink versus blue, girl versus boy baby, or whether they are exceedingly intelligent and are asking for a sister. I don’t know. But when these little struggles happen, I tell them to share.
Share.
A simple word. A complicated concept. Is it always good to share? Is it sometimes good to keep things for ourselves, to hoard our proverbial plastic veggies? Is there such thing as too much sharing? As offering too much of ourselves, of our things?
At thirty-one, I’m still learning to share. My time. My love. My life. There is a ubiquity of things we are expected to share. And sometimes it is hard. On this blog, I am learning, day after day, to share my words, my ideas, my stories. Here, I am learning to share bits and pieces of myself. With you. And I love this. This sharing, this scattering of self over a blurry and benevolent horizon, this big girl show and tell. I love it.
But sometimes, often actually, I worry. I worry if I am going too far, giving too much. I worry sometimes that in spilling so much, I am keeping too little just for me. For my family. For my man. For my two real life baby dolls. I worry sometimes that I should be a bit more like sage Toddler of a year ago and protect my little basket a bit more.
Sometimes I wonder if I should stop. If we all should. If we should put all the time and energy and emotion we put into sharing into simply having and living and being.
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Thoughts? I am very curious to hear responses from those of you with blogs and those of you without them. Do you think there is such thing as over-sharing? Where should we draw the line between things that should be shared and things that should be kept close? Do you think the phenomenon of blogging has blurred this line? Do you think blogging has encouraged us to share more than we should about ourselves and our worlds?
Everyone struggles and...
Big girl show and tell. I love that image.
I wonder about this too. I don’t have answers, unfortunately, but I can echo your questions. I do know there is a finite amount of me – patience, love, listening … above all: ATTENTION – and often I feel it is too fragmented. In some ways blogging is the thing I do with my attention that is for me. It is the means through which I write and figure out how I feel. In those moments my attention is my own, my energy is focused on my own thoughts and concerns. And, of course, on my worries about how others will read them.
I think the sharing is, ultimately, a very productive thing, one that enlarges the pie over all. I don’t think life is a zero sum game. But I relate deeply to your questions about how to keep a little bit of ourselves for us, when there are so many clamoring for us.
Laughing, because my nephew has just gone through this very same interview ordeal in Manhattan. OY.
Sharing, I think, is a lovely concept — not sure there can be too much of it.
But bloggers? I don’t think what bloggers are doing is sharing, exactly. Sharing puts too rosy a spin on what bloggers do, IMO. And I *am* one, so it’s not that I’m anti-blogger.
You’re asking profound questions, in light of watching your little girls. We learn so much parenting. About ourselves. About the world. About how expansive human beings can be. If they choose to be.
We are all much “bigger” than we realize. We find our appropriate amounts to share – and appropriate venues and timing – bit by bit. Trial and error. Our worlds are perpetually expanding, like our hearts, our knowledge, our viewpoints. With experience. For all we share, there is that much more we retain for those closest to us, or for other channels. There is always so much more to each of us. Plenty to go around, in modes of sharing, gifting, and self sustaining.
The sharing question is a continual issue with bloggers. I have a friend who is writing a blog in hopes of using it for prospective employers to read it. He tries to keep it fairly sterile. I have trouble commenting on it as I view everything written through the “friend” glasses and not a sterile looking glass.
I tried not sharing my kids’ names but I have found that they are online more than I am so their names are not as important as if they were younger, toddlers.
I agree with BigLittleWolf in that we find the appropriate amounts to share – whether on a blog or in real life – by trial and error.
Such a ripe topic.
I am just putting the finishing touches on my post for tomorrow on this very topic of sharing as it relates to the blogosphere. It’s been fascinating for me to see how other bloggers draw the line for themselves between what to share and what to play close to the vest. For me, there is a distinction between sharing your own business and sharing that of others. (Although that line gets pretty blurry where our kids are concerned.) And when you’re sharing your own “stuff” you get to make up the rules – and if someone doesn’t want to listen then then can click away as quickly as they came. For me, the other line is that between the personal and the vulnerable, which is what my post is about – how to decide what to share and what not to and why.
If I’m being honest, I will tell you that I come to this post from a place of selfishness. I love this blog. I love considering the topics you raise, hearing about your life, and reading the perspectives of your commenters. And so my gut reaction is to say, “Please keep sharing.”
However, there are two major caveats to that. 1) Don’t burn yourself out. I hope that you continue to share at whatever level is sustainable for you, rather than go full throttle until you’re completely out of steam. (That’s the selfish part of me talking.) 2) We are not as important as Husband, and Toddler, and Baby. Not as important as your mother, sisters, and real-world friends. Not as important as you are to yourself.
And to that end, you should only blog to the extent that it is valuable for YOU. The day you decide that you’re getting less out of it than you put into it is the day you should walk out of Starbucks and go find some Baby toes to nibble. We love it here. That’s why we come back every day to see what’s on your mind and let it prompt us to think new thoughts. But you don’t owe us anything.
I find your questions so very paramount to blogging. How much is too much?
I had a professor that suggested we have entered into a world that shares too many intimate details with unworthy persons. We give of ourselves freely and lose pieces thoughtlessly. I have thought about this and wondered if I am guilty.
Perhaps the following description could aid in your search?
I think blogging gives us a false sense of privacy. We think internet = anonymous. We give ourselves nicknames and ignore the warnings. Those thoughts that whisper “Too much.” Sometimes to catch that elusive feeling of being perfectly understood.
This is how I feel. Maybe I do give out too much, but I feel the community of bloggers I am a part of provides a comforting atmosphere. I think the words and experiences we share help those who might be experiencing the same thing, but fail to capture it in their own words.
As for sharing? Should we stop? Should we hoard? I think of those who have shared for the benefit of others: Nie Nie, Goldfish, CJane, Lady A, and others. I am so grateful for them. I hope that I help others through my thoughts, as insufficient as they feel at times.
Like Gale, I do not have a blog but I really enjoy yours, particularly because of the sharing of details about your life and world view. The sharing that you do keeps me coming back, I feel as if I know you and Toddler, baby, Husband even your mom’s puppy, so well. And yet, it is a bit of a faux and lopsided intimacy, you reveal so much and if I have the time and inclination I comment and maybe reveal something about myself that’s on topic. It is not that you are oversharing but rather the forum in which its done which I think prompts the questioning. Imagine walking into a room full of strangers once a day and saying out loud what you post hear. I suspect we’d all think you were a crazy exhibitionist until someone in the crowd commented and the next person worked up their nerve and so on. In the room example, we’d see each other and sharing would be harder but I truly it would still come because we are always trying to find commonalities within each other. In the end I do sometimes feel like I am a voyeur here because I don’t reciprocally share. But for me, it is not because I am trying to hoard my privacy but because of my chosen profession. And speaking of which, back to work, thanks for the procrastination!
I think how much a person shares is a personal decision they must make. I don’t think there is such thing as too little, or too much, since I think it differs for everyone, especially when it comes to a blog, its your space you should share what you are comfortable with.
I used to not share much at all on my blog, but after Ezra’s diagnosis, I opened the flood gates and never looked back. I can’t even tell you how many times I have been thanked for sharing my stories, or how many people my writing has touched or helped. I love your writing you encourage me to be a better writer, so please don’t stop sharing!
First of all, what you went through, are going through and will go through with the Manhattan school “system” is THE reason we left when I was pregnant. I don’t know how you do it! I would surely go insane!
Anyway, I do struggle with this sharing issue often when I write my blog. It is actually the reason why my blog only recently became more than fluffy stories about my kids. I had a very hard time sharing more about ME. But I’ve found this newfound sharing, freeing for me. And helpful and warming and wonderful. I do have a line though that I won’t cross. It’s not a clear cut line but one that is in my “gut”. If I’m uncomfortable… I stop.
I just finished today’s post on my blog… it’s a silly one but you’ll see I drew a line at one point because it made me uncomfortable. We all have our own “lines” and I’m finding the ones who push the envelope more are the ones I (and I’m sure others) enjoy reading most.
I love what you share. But if you choose to share less, I’m sure what you do still come out with will be thought provoking and beautiful in the end!
Still struggling with this issue, and probably always will. I share a lot (much to the horror of my Mama) and I am constantly worried that it will come up to bite me in the proverbial butt.
But, and I think I said this to Kristen, if we keep it ALL in, it festers.
I’d advocate for moderation, but I suck at moderation.
I’m glad you share, because your brain is too good a thing to keep to yourself.
And I’d miss out on really cool stuff, like the idea of sharing trees.
“I had a professor that suggested we have entered into a world that shares too many intimate details with unworthy persons. We give of ourselves freely and lose pieces thoughtlessly.”
Your professor might as well have been talking about me. I have a penchant for sharing my deepest secrets, moments that I believe define me (however, socially unacceptable they may be) and intimate details of my life with people who would most likely be considered either strangers or acqaintances by others. I rarely share these details with those whom outsiders would consider close to me. That said, I think that I get to determine who is worthy of my secrets and, despite these individuals’ initial arms-length relationship with me, they quickly become more involved in my life (unfortunately for them perhaps, whether they chose it or not).
These poor souls subject to oversharing tend to be men, which, if you want to get all psycho-babbly probably has something to do with the fact that I am not at all close with my father and rarely share anything with him. We hardly communicate at all really. Perhaps I think that men will think I am endearingly broken or in need of saving and that one will magically rush to my aid when I spill everything that I think is wrong with me. Perhaps I am testing who likes me enough to come back for a second round after I have shared my faults and mis-steps.
Despite my tendency to overshare with “strangers,” I do agree that everyone finds their own “right” level of sharing, although I am not sure that I have found mine yet. I think I need to find a happy medium, sharing a little more with those I do care about and less with those whom I don’t know enough about to know whether I care about yet.
Regardless, I hope that people never stop sharing. I think the sharing of information by others makes life interesting and allows us to put our lives in perspective. Makes us shut up sometimes when we are feeling sorry for ourselves, or provides us with new avenues through which to explore who we are. We all share here in the comments and I enjoy it immensely, I certainly hope that doesn’t stop any time soon
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