Comments on: Why Kids? http://www.ivyleagueinsecurities.com/2009/11/why-kids/ Ivy league Insecurites Sun, 05 Feb 2012 03:23:08 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.4 By: Tess http://www.ivyleagueinsecurities.com/2009/11/why-kids/#comment-1654 Tess Mon, 07 Dec 2009 19:07:57 +0000 http://ivyleagueinsecurities.com/?p=3115#comment-1654 I've always loved babies, and they have always loved me. I was told I was a "natural." Yet I really hesitated when it came to having kids. I didn't want to have kids because: 1) I wasn't sure I loved my husband enough to stay with him for the "sake of the kids." 2) I did not want another human being to ever experience the kind of angst and unhappiness that I did. 3) I didn't want my gym time and warm weather vacations infringed upon. 4) I thought it more socially responsible and ecologically conscious to not have kids. 5. I thought I simply could not handle it if my kid was autistic or had some serious malady. I eventually did have a kid because: 1)I want someone to take care of me and keep my company when I'm old. 2) I wanted to experience pregnancy and birth. 3) I wanted to be able to justify why my life was not more adventurous. 4) I was tired of "putting down" elderly dogs. 5) I didn't want to wake up wracked with regret twenty years from now. Some good reasons, some bad. I have a fantastic two-year old now. Being pregnant was the most bizarre and important experience of my life. Having a baby took me out of "my own head." In other words, I am too harried and tired to dwell on my existential angst, or to ruminate on all the choices I should have made. The organizing principle of my life now is "need." I am horrified at how much my son adores me. I am his life. It is daunting. I pine for my gym time. I pine for the freedom to nap at will. I pine for his happiness, because if he grows up to be seriously unhappy, I simply will not be able to bear it. I’ve always loved babies, and they have always loved me. I was told I was a “natural.” Yet I really hesitated when it came to having kids.
I didn’t want to have kids because:
1) I wasn’t sure I loved my husband enough to stay with him for the “sake of the kids.”
2) I did not want another human being to ever experience the kind of angst and unhappiness that I did.
3) I didn’t want my gym time and warm weather vacations infringed upon.
4) I thought it more socially responsible and ecologically conscious to not have kids.
5. I thought I simply could not handle it if my kid was autistic or had some serious malady.

I eventually did have a kid because:
1)I want someone to take care of me and keep my company when I’m old.
2) I wanted to experience pregnancy and birth.
3) I wanted to be able to justify why my life was not more adventurous.
4) I was tired of “putting down” elderly dogs.
5) I didn’t want to wake up wracked with regret twenty years from now.

Some good reasons, some bad.

I have a fantastic two-year old now. Being pregnant was the most bizarre and important experience of my life. Having a baby took me out of “my own head.” In other words, I am too harried and tired to dwell on my existential angst, or to ruminate on all the choices I should have made. The organizing principle of my life now is “need.”

I am horrified at how much my son adores me. I am his life. It is daunting. I pine for my gym time. I pine for the freedom to nap at will. I pine for his happiness, because if he grows up to be seriously unhappy, I simply will not be able to bear it.

]]> By: Suzanne http://www.ivyleagueinsecurities.com/2009/11/why-kids/#comment-1514 Suzanne Wed, 02 Dec 2009 15:27:48 +0000 http://ivyleagueinsecurities.com/?p=3115#comment-1514 Well, I think you kind of missed a big point here: when your childless/childfree respondents said that they are constantly asked to justify their choices, I doubt that they were referring to such kindly phrases questions such as you are asking. I mean come on, there is nothing parents like more than to gush philosophically about why they had kids, how important it is, how good it makes them feel, how cute their kids are, how wonderful their turds are, etc. What your childless respondents were actually talking about was something quite different: being attacked. Confronting constant demands that they *justify* themselves. These demands usually have an attack quality which presumes that not having children is somehow a judement of people who do have children, and in which the underlying question is "What is wrong with you?" Very different. The reason you are not challenged like this is because frankly you are doing everything you are supposed to do. It happens to be what you want, which is fine, but what you outlined is the basic formula for what all good ivy leagers are supposed to do. College, law school (never an MFA!), heterosexual marriage, home ownership, cute non-handicapped in-wedlock children who will also go to ivy league colleges, etc. So parents, Let's take a different spin on this: Google Nina Paley's video The Stork, watch it, and then please pretend you are standing before a self-appointed and very smug judge who demands that you JUSTIFY what you are doing to this planet. (This reply is meant to provoke and stir up the complacent pot a bit-- please don't attack me-- I actually do have kids). Well, I think you kind of missed a big point here: when your childless/childfree respondents said that they are constantly asked to justify their choices, I doubt that they were referring to such kindly phrases questions such as you are asking. I mean come on, there is nothing parents like more than to gush philosophically about why they had kids, how important it is, how good it makes them feel, how cute their kids are, how wonderful their turds are, etc.

What your childless respondents were actually talking about was something quite different: being attacked. Confronting constant demands that they *justify* themselves. These demands usually have an attack quality which presumes that not having children is somehow a judement of people who do have children, and in which the underlying question is “What is wrong with you?”

Very different. The reason you are not challenged like this is because frankly you are doing everything you are supposed to do. It happens to be what you want, which is fine, but what you outlined is the basic formula for what all good ivy leagers are supposed to do. College, law school (never an MFA!), heterosexual marriage, home ownership, cute non-handicapped in-wedlock children who will also go to ivy league colleges, etc.

So parents, Let’s take a different spin on this: Google Nina Paley’s video The Stork, watch it, and then please pretend you are standing before a self-appointed and very smug judge who demands that you JUSTIFY what you are doing to this planet.

(This reply is meant to provoke and stir up the complacent pot a bit– please don’t attack me– I actually do have kids).

]]> By: Liz http://www.ivyleagueinsecurities.com/2009/11/why-kids/#comment-1311 Liz Fri, 20 Nov 2009 02:28:13 +0000 http://ivyleagueinsecurities.com/?p=3115#comment-1311 Sorry I'm a bit late on this, but I do have an answer. (Whew.) I didn't even review the comments already posted b/c I did not want to be like "Oh yeah...that reason, too." BEFORE we had kids, Hubby and I sat down (many times) and talked (A LOT) about kids. We had a good life. We had a GOOD relationship. We liked to travel and play, a lot and often. So we needed to be really really clear on this, because we both knew (as much as you can know before you have them) what we were getting into. So...why did we have kids? ~I, personally, wanted to know what it was to be pregnant, to give birth to a child, to be a Mom. ~We wanted to make something out of this love affair we had stumbled into. We wanted something to BE because of US. Because, fortunately, the US is really, really great. ~We wanted to see a little person who was part him, part me. ~We wanted to see if we could really parent the way we thought other people should be parenting. Those were our reasons. And in spite of many struggles to have our first son, and how desperately we wanted him, we still found it all to be quite a shock. We still sometimes ask ourselves: "Why did we do this again??" Although no regrets, b/c both of our kids were very conscious mutual decisions, parenthood is not easy. I hate when people make it sound like it's not okay when someone decides it's not for them. I applaud those people, because they had the guts to bow out of something that you must be fully present for. And I agree with you...what a great point you make...Why don't people question us? Sorry I’m a bit late on this, but I do have an answer. (Whew.) I didn’t even review the comments already posted b/c I did not want to be like “Oh yeah…that reason, too.”
BEFORE we had kids, Hubby and I sat down (many times) and talked (A LOT) about kids. We had a good life. We had a GOOD relationship. We liked to travel and play, a lot and often. So we needed to be really really clear on this, because we both knew (as much as you can know before you have them) what we were getting into. So…why did we have kids?
~I, personally, wanted to know what it was to be pregnant, to give birth to a child, to be a Mom.
~We wanted to make something out of this love affair we had stumbled into. We wanted something to BE because of US. Because, fortunately, the US is really, really great.
~We wanted to see a little person who was part him, part me.
~We wanted to see if we could really parent the way we thought other people should be parenting.
Those were our reasons. And in spite of many struggles to have our first son, and how desperately we wanted him, we still found it all to be quite a shock. We still sometimes ask ourselves: “Why did we do this again??” Although no regrets, b/c both of our kids were very conscious mutual decisions, parenthood is not easy. I hate when people make it sound like it’s not okay when someone decides it’s not for them. I applaud those people, because they had the guts to bow out of something that you must be fully present for. And I agree with you…what a great point you make…Why don’t people question us?

]]> By: Dolly http://www.ivyleagueinsecurities.com/2009/11/why-kids/#comment-1288 Dolly Thu, 19 Nov 2009 15:26:13 +0000 http://ivyleagueinsecurities.com/?p=3115#comment-1288 Thank you! I would now go on this blog every day! <a href="http://www.eseloow.com/" rel="nofollow">Dolly</a> Thank you! I would now go on this blog every day!
Dolly

]]> By: Linda http://www.ivyleagueinsecurities.com/2009/11/why-kids/#comment-1281 Linda Wed, 18 Nov 2009 17:34:32 +0000 http://ivyleagueinsecurities.com/?p=3115#comment-1281 Wow. I'm not sure I can add much to what the other commenters said. But, I do like what Gail had to say. Family..family is what I wanted. I grew up in a family that was somewhat distant. The funny thing is, I was never the teen that babysat, or even was remotely good with babies. Then I had one...and my instinct kicked in, the love overflowed and I just knew that the love I had inside me and the family I envisioned was right before my eyes. Wow. I’m not sure I can add much to what the other commenters said. But, I do like what Gail had to say. Family..family is what I wanted. I grew up in a family that was somewhat distant. The funny thing is, I was never the teen that babysat, or even was remotely good with babies. Then I had one…and my instinct kicked in, the love overflowed and I just knew that the love I had inside me and the family I envisioned was right before my eyes.

]]> By: stoneskin http://www.ivyleagueinsecurities.com/2009/11/why-kids/#comment-1273 stoneskin Wed, 18 Nov 2009 12:05:40 +0000 http://ivyleagueinsecurities.com/?p=3115#comment-1273 So, how do I become a clone of Aidan? It sounds nice. Why did I want kids? It just seemed natural, I had a happy childhood, wonderful friends, and bringing lives into this world just seemed like the natural thing to do, and what a privilege it is too! Why do I want more? I only have one, a little daughter, and her beautiful smile and the fun we have and the joy she gives is just so worth it. So, how do I become a clone of Aidan? It sounds nice.

Why did I want kids? It just seemed natural, I had a happy childhood, wonderful friends, and bringing lives into this world just seemed like the natural thing to do, and what a privilege it is too!

Why do I want more? I only have one, a little daughter, and her beautiful smile and the fun we have and the joy she gives is just so worth it.

]]> By: Sarah http://www.ivyleagueinsecurities.com/2009/11/why-kids/#comment-1272 Sarah Wed, 18 Nov 2009 04:53:51 +0000 http://ivyleagueinsecurities.com/?p=3115#comment-1272 I actually think phrasing the question "Why do I want kids?" is subliminally different from asking "Why do I want to be a parent?" As a teacher, I have kids. And I love them. All of them. Even the ones who drive me mad and the ones who I am often more than to dismiss to their parents/nannies/family after class. I normally dislike generalizations but I can honestly say that I like children -- all children. But why do I want to be a parent? Not just a teacher/aunt/cousin/friend etc. I want to be a mom. More than anything else in the world, I want to be a mom. I can't explain in words why, because it's so deeply instinctual. I actually think phrasing the question “Why do I want kids?” is subliminally different from asking “Why do I want to be a parent?”

As a teacher, I have kids. And I love them. All of them. Even the ones who drive me mad and the ones who I am often more than to dismiss to their parents/nannies/family after class. I normally dislike generalizations but I can honestly say that I like children — all children.

But why do I want to be a parent? Not just a teacher/aunt/cousin/friend etc. I want to be a mom. More than anything else in the world, I want to be a mom. I can’t explain in words why, because it’s so deeply instinctual.

]]> By: R http://www.ivyleagueinsecurities.com/2009/11/why-kids/#comment-1271 R Wed, 18 Nov 2009 03:00:37 +0000 http://ivyleagueinsecurities.com/?p=3115#comment-1271 I don't have kids yet, but I definitely want to have kids in the future. One of the main reasons is that I don't think you can fully experience life until you have kids. Until you live for someone else. Until you have someone that comes from you. I don’t have kids yet, but I definitely want to have kids in the future. One of the main reasons is that I don’t think you can fully experience life until you have kids. Until you live for someone else. Until you have someone that comes from you.

]]> By: Titanium http://www.ivyleagueinsecurities.com/2009/11/why-kids/#comment-1270 Titanium Wed, 18 Nov 2009 02:26:40 +0000 http://ivyleagueinsecurities.com/?p=3115#comment-1270 A tad more than ten years ago, I exercised my 'right' to uninformed baby-making. Wrong place. Wrong time. Wrong spouse. She is beautiful. Talented. Full of wise-assery and cuteness, and the fact remains: I had no clue what I was getting into. Now, many years later and happily married to a wonderful and intelligent man... I wrestled with the conundrum of adding to our family. After much thoughtful consideration, we decided that the responsible decision was to abstain from bringing any more children into the world. Regardless of how happy, healthy and wonderfully welcoming our home is. Regardless of what anyone else thinks or does. We made an informed choice, then backed it up with a definitive surgery. Case closed. My last word on the matter, said in all seriousness to my own sister, is this: if you aren't actively planning your future, your future will plan YOU. I refuse to have a whoops-I-accidentally-got-pregnant-in-my-thirties moment after we made the only fiscally and emotionally responsible choice possible. A tad more than ten years ago, I exercised my ‘right’ to uninformed baby-making. Wrong place. Wrong time. Wrong spouse. She is beautiful. Talented. Full of wise-assery and cuteness, and the fact remains: I had no clue what I was getting into.

Now, many years later and happily married to a wonderful and intelligent man… I wrestled with the conundrum of adding to our family. After much thoughtful consideration, we decided that the responsible decision was to abstain from bringing any more children into the world. Regardless of how happy, healthy and wonderfully welcoming our home is. Regardless of what anyone else thinks or does.

We made an informed choice, then backed it up with a definitive surgery. Case closed.

My last word on the matter, said in all seriousness to my own sister, is this: if you aren’t actively planning your future, your future will plan YOU. I refuse to have a whoops-I-accidentally-got-pregnant-in-my-thirties moment after we made the only fiscally and emotionally responsible choice possible.

]]> By: becca http://www.ivyleagueinsecurities.com/2009/11/why-kids/#comment-1268 becca Wed, 18 Nov 2009 01:12:38 +0000 http://ivyleagueinsecurities.com/?p=3115#comment-1268 A hard question this is indeed! I never loved babies. Never cooed at babies. Didn't want to hold babies. Babies made me nervous and uncomfortable. And honestly, they still do, except mine. I think I started wanting a baby after 4 years of marriage because I felt like it was the right next step. I wasn't craving a baby but knew I'd enjoy sharing myself with one. NEVER in my wildest dreams did I think I'd fall so head over heels in love with that little girl and not want to separate myself for one second of any day from her. My career that I had worked so hard to get to where I was... became secondary. I still can't believe it. I ALWAYS thought (KNEW) I'd climb the corporate ladder and then go home to baby as my next priority. Now? Career? What career? When it was time to think about #2 I was SO SURE this was what I was meant to do. Be a mom. I was good at it. I did it with passion. Every ounce of me adored what I was doing. So really, it wasn't until planning #2 that I knew it was my calling. I didn't have a ticking biological clock (or it was broken). I hadn't been dreaming of this fairytale family for my whole life. I did it, because something in me knew I should, but I probably could have easily swayed the other way. Thank god I didn't! A hard question this is indeed!

I never loved babies. Never cooed at babies. Didn’t want to hold babies. Babies made me nervous and uncomfortable. And honestly, they still do, except mine. I think I started wanting a baby after 4 years of marriage because I felt like it was the right next step. I wasn’t craving a baby but knew I’d enjoy sharing myself with one. NEVER in my wildest dreams did I think I’d fall so head over heels in love with that little girl and not want to separate myself for one second of any day from her. My career that I had worked so hard to get to where I was… became secondary. I still can’t believe it. I ALWAYS thought (KNEW) I’d climb the corporate ladder and then go home to baby as my next priority. Now? Career? What career? When it was time to think about #2 I was SO SURE this was what I was meant to do. Be a mom. I was good at it. I did it with passion. Every ounce of me adored what I was doing. So really, it wasn’t until planning #2 that I knew it was my calling. I didn’t have a ticking biological clock (or it was broken). I hadn’t been dreaming of this fairytale family for my whole life. I did it, because something in me knew I should, but I probably could have easily swayed the other way. Thank god I didn’t!

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