Are You Expecting?
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There is only one reason why I am writing this post. Because I said I would. In my post earlier today about my recent hack attack, I told you to swing by here for another post. This is it. A second post in one day. As if blogging once a day, every single day since April 10 was not enough, I had to up the ante. I had to raise my own expectations. And yours.
And so I am here, at the mercy of frenzied fingers, racing the clock. (We have a Preschool Holiday Concert within the hour.) Here I am. Keeping my word to you. And to myself. Trying to live up to expectations I’ve set for myself. And now I write this and wonder about expectations. Whether they are good for us. Whether they are something that we truly control. Or whether, to some degree, they control us? Are we curtailing our own freedom by fashioning expectations that are too much and too many? Are expectations existential cuffs?
And now I am perplexed. Is it better to manage our expectations, to keep them reasonable, to set that proverbial bar a bit lower? Or is it better to aim high, to set those expectations – for ourselves and others – as high as the sky, to dream big and boldly, and just learn to forgive ourselves when we don’t meet them?
I don’t know. I don’t pretend to know. Samuel Johnson said, “We love to expect, and when expectation is either disappointed or gratified, we want to be again expecting.” Maybe there is a resident joy in the mere act and art of expecting? Maybe this is what life is about – the setting of lofty goals, the spinning of tiny wheels, the wanting of more and more and more?
Post written. Post published. Expectation met. This time at least.
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Do you expect too much of yourself and others? If so, would you change this if you could? Or do you think there is a virtue in aiming high even if this entails periodic disappointment?
I was just talking about this topic last night. I was, until several years ago, always under the impression that my expectations for myself were about the same as everyone else’s expectations for themselves, namely, high. I still have a very hard time imagining that people can legitimately expect that they will be below average. It has led to some problems for me, namely anxiety and panic attacks, but nevertheless, I haven’t changed the way I expect myself to behave. I am, like many other lawyers, a perfectionist. It doesn’t occur to me to be any other way. I have many a time heard people say to me, “You are too hard on yourself,” or, “You have very high expectations for yourself.” I can’t see myself from their perspective however, so I don’t see it that way.
I tend to expect the opposite of others though. I expect people, for the most part, to dissapoint me. I expect others to go behind my back. I expect others to be untruthful or untrustworthy. I have no idea why. I cannot point to a particular relationship in my life that would cause me to think this way. I cannot point to a parent that has ever been anything but honest with me or a friend that has been particularly hurtful. Have I had an occaisional bad experience with a man? Sure, but nothing that I think is out of the ordinary.
I do not think that I would like to change my expectations for others. I don’t want to expect others to be perfect, because I know that none of us are. I don’t want to be dissappointed by others. I would rather have low expectations for people and have them surprise me by exceeding them. I think I might like to change my expectations of myself, but only to the extent that my health no longer suffers. I don’t want to lose my work ethic and I don’t want to lose the desire to be good at the things I do.
I would like to understand why I think this way. I can’t commit to the time it would take in therapy sessions however!!
I wrestle with this question every day. When am I meeting goals just for the purpose of checking the box? And when do they really mean something? When do these goals bring value to my life? And when do they eliminate it? I don’t have the answer. But I am more willing to consider the option that some of those goals are pointless than I was in my younger years.
Have fun at the holiday concert. I hope Toddler sings her little heart out.
I am guilty of setting very high expectations for myself. I set a high bar for my children (and former students) to aspire to but I draw the line at having expectations that leave me open for disappointment. And I do fairly well with that with other adults, as well. But with me? It’s never enough, or good enough. Never.
I think about this question all the time. I think I do expect too much of other people a lot of the time; I expect everyone else to live by my standards of courtesy and fair play. Husband is still amused at how often I am surprised when people don’t perform according to my set of expectations. But I will say that, as a teacher, high expectations were critical, especially when working with students who didn’t think much of their own possibilities.
Sorry, sleepy, and thus incoherent. But really interested in this subject and this thought-provoking post.
Sometimes it seems like the American culture (and LDS culture that I’m a part of) sets the bar super high for women, especially moms.
-We’re supposed to earn our fair share of the money, while bearing perfect and well-behaved children.
-Our houses should be spotless so as to entertain drop-in visitors at any time.
-The cupcakes we bring to the school had better be homemade, ornate, and delicious.
-Our childrens’ hair should always be brushed and they should inherently know the difference between not talking to a stranger and saying “Hi!” to your adult friends you meet in a store.
-We should be keeping up on all world events and be conversant in recent celebrity issues.
-Our blogs should be updated frequently with interesting and unique topics.
-Our church responsibilities should be fulfilled in a charitable and timely manner.
-We should be checking up on that elderly widow three doors down on a weekly basis.
-We should always look beautiful and sexy for our husbands.
-We should be well-read and able to have interesting conversations at cocktail parties.
And if that’s not enough directives from society, we expect the women around us to be all of these things, too. We look askance at the mom in sweats and the mom-pony-tail. We tsk-tsk the mom who disciplines her kid in public. We blame the parent when the kid acts up. We have got to ease up already!
Well…sorry for the verbal diarrhea…you did ask what we thought about your post…enjoy your concert!
Definitely lower your expectations. Hope for the best, expect the worst. Disappointments will lessen and you’ll be suprised by joy more.
Expectations are subjective. At the end of the day you need to be able to go to sleep feeling good about yourself or at least knowing you tried your best.
About 3.5 years into my blogging career I was outed. For a while I debated whether I wanted to close up shop and start over. Ultimately I decided that I wasn’t going to go away because that would have meant letting myself down.
I don’t really think I expect too much of myself, but people has expressed this sentiment. Who do I believe? My perfectionist self, or those who love/care about me?
Yesterday, I received a phone call from my mother. She admitted to having read my blog and being slightly concerned. She told me that I just had a baby and I need to not be so hard on myself
Not be so hard on myself. That is another sentence I have heard often. Another sign?
Maybe I shouldn’t expect so much of myself, but I think I am being realistic.
As for others? I don’t think so. Of course, I could be wrong.
Frenzied fingers? I could hear the tapping, tap tap tap, and the occasional hit of backspace (tck tck), tap tap tap.
Hope you enjoyed your concert last night!
I set high expectations but I have also learned, or am slowly learning that it is okay to not get it all done. A good friend of mine told me once that I try to do it all. If you recall, I even wrote about it. I realize I cannot do it all but I do try!
You MUST be reading my mind. Oh my, where do I begin? I expect so much of myself. Thankfully I’ve let others off the hook and that has improved all of my relationships. With my husband, children, sisters, Mom. I read something really interesting last year and I’ve tried to keep the meaning close by developing this mantra…No Expectations, No Limitations. This helped me with my children especially. No expectations doesn’t mean letting them off the hook, slacking as a parent, “hoping” for the best. It means that I stop projecting my expectations on them and further expecting them to never disappoint, to never fall short. Then I turned this mantra on my husband because grown-ups need to be let off the hook too. Why do I assume at some point people, including myself, will just get everything right? Never going to happen. So I’m learning every day to throw more grace onto the people and situations in my life. The other part, the “no limitations” part is key. That perspective with my kids says I won’t force my expectations on you but I will do everything im my mommy power to remove limitations that will keep you from your best life. I will love you, care for you, teach you, listen to you and encourage you. I will meet all your basic needs and more. I will discipline you too and I will place restrictions on you for your own good. I will do all that I can to help you live out your big life.
(Is there a limit to how long a comment can be?)
Dandy little mantra isn’t it? Don’t I sound all pulled together? Hold on. Just because I am heaping grace all over the place doesn’t mean any of it lands on me. My expectations for myself are high and they are are mine alone. No one has forced me to set these goals and keep this pace. Some days I can justify my expectations because I am compelled to use each day to make a difference. To push myself, to stretch and grow. Other days I can’t justify anything. Seems there is a basic foundation for my contentment and that foundation is taking care of my husband and boys and being there for my friends and family. I haven’t cooked a decent meal in weeks and I know cooking is somewhat over-rated but there is part of me that loves this homemaker role and relishes the fact that I’m able to be here for my family.
Add to all this that I am feeling such guilt about my own blog and keeping up with my favorite blogs. This blog being one of them. I have read and commented on Aidan’s blog for weeks, maybe months now, consistently. The last week I’ve read every day plus Kristen’s blog and others but didn’t comment. I missed out on the exchanges I’ve grown to enjoy. I expect myself to blog daily and read others and comment daily so I’ve let myself down. Oh gee.
The time crunch I’m feeling this week and last is based on starting the process of my own “happy headache” and it is exciting and stressful all at once. Mostly, it is completely time consuming and I am slipping around my days, trying to hold onto the hours. It’s a phase though, I remind myself. The waxing and waning. Busy now then the time will pass. Trying so hard though not to be overwhelmed with December, the blog, the book edit, the house plans, the volunteer work at school….trying to live in the moment regardless.
My thanks to Aidan for hitting the nail on the head repeatedly on this blog. And for having a comment section that others add to with such insight. I could relate to bits of each comment and that helps. Jessie T. made some interesting points and I could relate because I have a very good friend who is LDS. The pressure can be enormous.
But here’s what I know for sure when I am thinking clearly. My expectations, unmet or not, are not who I am, even though sometimes I define myself by them. I’ve grown up a bit in this area but I have more growing to do.
This is why my blog profile says I am a “recovering perfectionist.”