Decades & Dreams
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- 09
I didn’t sleep much last night. I was up late, very late, perusing pass pages, pages that are due back to my editor today. I sat there, studying words, this time mine, soaking in classical Christmas music and the past. Classical music because it inspires, but does not distract. The past because sitting there alone working into the wee hours of the night brought me back to my beloved school days. Days when I would stay up late studying, testing my body and my mind, stuffing myself with knowledge and caffeine. Gunning for that A.
A Decade Ago. A decade ago, I was a senior at Yale. I had just been accepted at law school. I was a creature who worked hard and played hard. An innocent creature unmarred by heartbreak and loss. I kept odd hours. I ate loads of gummy candy. I read lots of philosophy. I had my very first cell phone. A decade ago, I began to dream. To dream of life beyond that glorious green campus. A world people called “real.”
A decade ago, I was a kid. A bit foolish and utterly fearless.
Today. Today, I am a mother and a wife and a writer. A splintered soul. A scattered brain. But still a student. Always a student. Today, my school is parenthood. My professors are very tiny and very wise. Today, my campus is home. Today, I try hard to be good at things. I still gun for that A. I fumble and stumble. On truths and toys. Today, I parse the words of my own story, the sentences of my life, the contours of my dream.
Today, I am somewhere between kid and adult. A bit foolish and full of fear.
A Decade From Now. A decade from now, I hope to be cozy in our new home with Husband and our (three? four?) girls. We will listen to carols and decorate a vast tree. Our girls will argue affectionately about the proper placement of ornaments. My man and I will hang back, holding hands, waxing wordlessly about big things. Time. Family. Future. When the girls are in bed, we will talk about the jobs we love. About the curious power of passion. We will talk about my book, my newest book. About my latest protagonist, a woman, insecure in her confidence and confident in her insecurity, who wrestles with things she can’t control: the passage of time, the evolution of love, the mortality of innocence. We will trade words until it is time to call it a night. And then we will dream some more.
A decade from now, I am finally an adult. Still foolish. Still fearful. Still me.
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Who were you ten years ago? Who are you now? Who will you be in ten years? (On this last one, dare to dream. Don’t be shy. I don’t know that there will be more kids or more books on my horizon, but that’s the dream.)
I actually misread “argue affectionately” as “argue ineffectively”. Given the subject – ornament positioning – I find that hilarious. And your newest book – will that be number 10 (one a year) or number 2 (one every 10 years)?
You want 4 girls!? You will be gray in ten years then too! I was a lost soul a decade ago…so lost.
Ten years ago I was reluctantly beginning a career in law by typing briefs and letters and invoices. Today, I have one year of law school behind me and have realized I will never do anything else but live in the land of the law. It is in my blood and bones. Ten years from now I will have written all about it.
Ten years ago, I was happily teaching high school kids about the language I love, hopeful that they’d see the beauty in Faulkner and Fitzgerald that I saw. At night, I came home to my cat and my condo, and at night I sat at my computer, writing the first novel that would never go anywhere…but I didn’t know that then and I was proud to be doing it.
Ten years from now, my girls will be thick in the tumult of the Teen Years. I hope I’ll be helping them navigate the minefield with grace. I hope they won’t think I’m the world’s biggest Tool. I hope they’ll trust me with their tender hearts and dreams.
This is very well done, and beginning the holidays is a great time for reflection.
I was teaching at a tech school but knew that change was brewing. Kids were 10, 7, and 3 –
I was beginning to feel the call of the wild and planning to move from the area our family had been since its inception in ’86.
I would say that 10 years ago was the start of a new journey in life – and today I feel I am beginning again.
Ten years ago. Newly married. Pregnant with my first. Working at a job that I loved. Renting an apartment. Seeds of today.
Ten years from now. I will have three teenage (or almost) sons. My husband will be completely gray. I will be a month shy of 50. I’m not sure I want to consider any more about my future than these facts.
But we will be as happy as we were ten and twenty years earlier. That much I’m willing to dream.
Sorry not to answer your questions directly; another line in your post really caught my eye: “A world people called ‘real.’”
I appreciate the use of the quotation marks around “real.” I was just talking with a friend about the idea of a real world. What a relative term. I wonder what it says about us that we tend to think of the “real” world as harsh, difficult, full of challenges. Why can’t the “real” world be one of our happy creation? I guess this comment does connect to your question, after all: maybe what we’re all looking for is a life where the “real” is ordinary and good, one in which the good becomes the ordinary – both now and 10 years down the road.
Another wonderful, tear-jerking post (yep, I cry easily…plus you really do have a way with words Ms. Donnelley Rowley). Ten years ago I had just had my heart broken for the first time by the first boy I had ever loved. We were headed to a semester at an environmentally-focused, community oriented farm school together. I was about to embark on a lot of personal transformation and I had no idea what was in store. I actually wrote a letter to myself that year that I received in college and it was incredible that my 16 year old self writing to my 21 year old self felt more like my 60 year old self writing to my 21 year old. A lot of wisdom at age 16. Who knew?
10 years from now…well I’ll just say I’ll have what she’s having (meaning you.) I have an adoring husband, I have a bunch of kids (2,3..5?), I have a career that nourishes me and includes public speaking, writing, inspiring, making art. I’m happy.
Thanks for asking.
lovely post. hmmmm…something i’ll have to ponder. i’ll probably write a response on my own blog and link to this one…
thanks for another great post
A real Monday thinker! Ten years ago, I was a sophmore at Clemson and fairly unhappy. I stayed at a university I didn’t particularly like because I liked the major I stumbled upon the Maymester of my freshman year, after I had applied to transfer to several other colleges. Other than that, I don’t remember much other than I partied hard and studied hard. I lived with three other young women who had very different religious beliefs and upbringings than I, in a suite where we managed to have quite a bit of fun. I remember crying about boys and having some serious hangovers.
Ten years from now I hope to be a respected lawyer in government with a husband, but no children. I hope to have a second (or third) house with a big kitchen, where my husband and I host dinner parties for our friends. I hope to have a sense of humor and be less jaded and cynical. I hope to have a better self-image and self-esteem and truly believe myself when I say, somewhat jokingly, “I’m awesome.”
Oh my! Great minds think alike! I wrote a similar post today on my blog! I love how you liken your current state with that of a college campus – complete with tiny teachers. Heartwarming and beautifully written!
Ten years ago I was a 30 year old man with a pregnant wife. I was in the midst of the dotcom “revolution” and making more money than I had thought I ever would.
I would stare off into space wondering whether the baby would be a girl or boy and look at ads for houses.
Now I look around my home and am amazed. I am 40 with two kids in private school, on the verge of my 14th wedding anniversary and wondering how to pay for summer camp.
Ten years from now my son will be midway through college and my daughter will ask why I insist on telling her boyfriends that I just got out of prison for murdering the last boy.
Hard to say more than that, other than I can’t believe that in ten years I will be 50.
Very nice, Aidan!
Ten years ago I was the mother of a 4 year old girl and a 1 year old boy. I was working full-time and struggling to enjoy each moment with my children. When I look back it’s a blur, and that makes me sad at times. Now, my daughter is 14 and son is 11. We are entering our teen and tween years and I am looking forward to watching my children grow into young adults. Until that time I treasure every baseball game, cheer competition, dance, really just every aspect of their life. Ten years from now…I would love to be sipping coffee on my front porch while I watch snow fall. I’ve actually never seen it snow, and once, just once, would love to live in an area that has four seasons!
10 years ago, I was very happy because I had started a new engineering design job, and I was going to be making more money. My kids were 18,16,11 and 6. After 4 1/2 years of custody battle I was almost divorced. Christmas has always been one of my favorite times of the year, family, tradition, the excitement of children. 10 years later I am still single, I got custody, the kids all turned out fine and upstanding citizens. Yet I am sad for Christmas this year, almost filled with dread, because the family has moved apart, time and budget constraints are compounded by additional responsibilities since my parents are older and less capable of preparing the feast. Exs and in laws try to ruin any happiness and don’t even think of expecting compassion from them! I feel as though its a drive by Christmas. All I can hope for is to take time and enjoy the happy moments, as abundant or few as they may be, and remember to be grateful for whatever dysfunction that occurs because other people have so many more problems than I.
We never know what the future will bring, but as long as it’s learning, it’s not a bad thing.
Ten years ago, I was a sophomore in high school, ready to take on the world and never thinking for a minute I’d have to sacrifice anything to have the perfect life. I was smart and driven and had stars in my eyes about college and the friends I would make there. I worked myself silly to be the perfect student who would get into the perfect college.
Today, I’m about 4.5 years out of college, working like crazy with my husband so that I can quit work to be a mom someday. I never realized how hard it would be to consider doing both or only doing one or the other. I dream of being CEO of the major company we work for, and I dream of staying home with my future kids. How do I balance these two ambitions?
Ten years from now, I’ll have at least a couple kids (they’ll be 5 and 7). Husband and I will live closer to my mom and dad so they can help with the little ones as I get ready to return to the working world after having been off for so long.
You have such a unique voice and a great writer. Great post.Very nostalgic, very reflective. I love the ‘insecure in her confidence and confident in her insecurity’, very telling of the ambiguity of human emotion.
I’m one of four girls and my parents barely survived!
It’s amazing how much you’ve accomplished in such a short period of time. Some of us are far past you in years, less tied down by young children, and perhaps a bit less insecure in general, yet, still excited and starry-eyed about the future. “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.” That about says it all.
I am so thrilled to see so many new names in the comment box! Soon, I will have threaded comments enabled so I have the ability to respond to individual comments as they come in. Thank you all for reading my words and leaving your own. It means a lot.
10 years ago…I was having my last sad Christmas with the ex-husband. I was stifled and stuck and sick of it all. I was just beginning the journey to Me. Now? Still on that journey. Happy and alive and hopeful and blessed that I ended up here. I have not thought of that last Christmas of another lifetime in a long, long time. 10 years from now? Healthy, calmer, with a more organized home, more independent children, more time for my husband, and at least a handful of my writing published.
This is my first visit to your blog and I think your posts are just wonderful. I like being given the opportunity to think and respond to questions, so without any further ado–
Ten years ago, I was almost finished with my last year of middle school. “Next year”, my first year of high school, the first year of the rest of my life — that was my favorite thing to think about. “Next year” I’ll be cool. “Next year” I’ll have a boyfriend. I did get the boyfriend, and also a set of braces and my first C ever. But I was out of middle school and moving on with my life…
Today, I am 23 and I feel very in-between. On cold Monday mornings walking to the office in tights and a scarf, laptop in hand, I am an adult. On Thursday evenings after a hard day, when I’ve fought with my roommate and I have a sore throat and all I want is a hug from my mom, I am a child. Most of the time I’m somewhere in the middle. I think that feeling is completely normal, but I occasionally worry that I’ll never be a true grown-up.
In ten years, I will be married to my best friend and the love of my life. I haven’t found him yet, but I’m sure he’s out there! We’ll have one or two beautiful children, job security, a comfortable lifestyle, and friends and family to share it with. Our struggles will pale in comparison to the little joys we experience every day.
I read this post briefly yesterday, and didn’t quite have the time to respond!
10 years ago I was on the verge of the teen years. I was gawky, awkward, and self-absorbed.
Today I am a mother of 2 beautiful children, college graduate, and wife to my most perfect man.
10 years from now I will be in a master’s program, learning how to be a therapist. I will be an accomplished writer. I will be a mother of 6 (yay!) adorable children. I will still be the wife of my most perfect man.