The Pages of Your Life
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It is very early. Still dark outside. But I am up, buzzing with my first few sips of coffee and worry and anticipation. Worry about Baby who spiked a moderate fever last night and is breathing hard. Per the pediatrician, I will take her in to be checked at 8am. But it is only 5:29am, so I must wait. Anticipation because I am also waiting for something else. Something less sinister than a potential Swine Flu diagnosis. That something? The release of my first novel LIFE AFTER YES.
I sit in my study, now dark, listening to Christmas music, willing myself to get into the holiday spirit. But try as I might, that spirit evades me, hovering affectionately, but at a detectable distance. I’m having a hard time thinking of Santa and stockings with this daunting stack of paper next to me. It rests there, shrouded in pre-dawn quiet, waiting for my fingers. And my eyes.
But I don’t want to look.
Enough of the mystery. The stack of papers = the first pass pages of my novel. And maybe you know what this means, but I don’t really. The cover letter from the publisher gives some clues, but I am a rookie, so I might get this one wrong. From what I can gather, this is it. This stack of paper is an unbound representation of every single page of my book. And each page looks exactly like it will look on May 18 when it humbly rides the pine at Barnes & Noble. This is it.
I have until Monday to sift through these pages, colored pencil cocked, looking for tiny changes I might want to or need to make. And then? In the next week or so, these pages will be duplicated with frenzy and circulated among other authors for blurbs, potential reviewers, and other kinds of people whom I should know about but don’t because I am such a novice.
Translation: this is happening.
But this post is not about pre-publication anxiety. Not this one. I have written about that before. And I will again because that anxiety is already playing louder than the Christmas music I listen to now but can’t hear. This post is more simple. (Or is it more complex?) This post is about pages.
Pages. Pages of a newborn novel (340). Pages of life (?).
Pages of life? Whoa. Existential detour much? Yup. Hang on.
If you were given the opportunity to see the pages of your life, would you take it? Would you rifle to the end to see how many pages there are? Would you welcome this opportunity to glimpse your future? Would you want to know if you are destined for heartbreak or illness or wild success? Would you want to know how it will all end?
Or would you sit in a dark room next to that tower of white and just stare at it, paralyzed by the enormity of knowing? Of seeing? Of seeing just how those pages look individually and collectively? Of seeing just how your life proceeds and extinguishes? Is there a little part of you that would rather not know, rather not see, even if that means losing the opportunity to make minor, but collectively meaningful changes?
Okay. The analogy is not perfect. I have written my novel. I know the story. The words on those pages are extensions of me, my heart, my quaking fingers. Nothing in there is a true surprise. Not exactly akin to seeing the future. But, hey, I expect about as much out of analogies as I do people; I want them to be good and well-meaning. They don’t need to be flawless. Flawless is boring.
Forget flawless.
These questions are blemished, mean, hard, unfair. I know that. But, in my estimation, the good life entails thinking about these impossible things from time to time. These cruel and compelling questions that stir more than they settle. (Like: What is the good life?)
But the good life, like the good book (no, not the Bible. Not going there today), also has more practical pages. Pages full of reality. Like publishing deadlines. Like sick and slumbering children. Like coffee refills. Like silent waits for that sun, that loyal sun, to rise.
Update: Thankfully, Baby is okay. Just your old school virus atop an old school ear infection. Our humble abode continues to be swine-free. Fingers crossed this good fortune continues.
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Would you want see the first pass pages of your life if it meant that you could make minor tweaks? Or would you rather not know?
As a person who prefers certainty over uncertainty EVERY SINGLE TIME, my answers even shocks me: NO. No, I wouldn’t want to know. I really don’t think I would. The mystery is what propels me out of bed every morning. Though I’d love someone more eloquent and articulate than I to have recorded all of the past – yes, that I would have liked.
And congratulations! I can’t WAIT to read it.
xo
I can’t imagine ever getting into the holiday spirit at 5:28 (or was it 5:29?) regardless of any mind-numbingly jovial Christmas tunes.
I also can’t imagine thumbing through those pages wondering whether or not a comma is unnecessary or whether one sentence should become two or whether you are going mad as you work through it.
(I’m sure you are not, but I would possibly go mad…)
Aidan, Have a latte and enjoy your read through of the pass pages. I am struggling with proofing and editing a manuscript right now – not mine, one the company I am contracting with is publishing – and there is little joy in it. I want to know that the author loves it when I am done.
I would not want to know. I am sure if I saw the pass pages of my life I would not have six children nor possibly an ex-husband.
My reaction to your question was almost exactly the same as Lindsey’s: I am not one for mysteries. A lack of certainty pains me in general. But the idea of knowing the end of my story and the details along the way terrifies me far worse than a life of not knowing. If we knew where our lives were going from outset, might we cease to be Us and start being the people we think we’re supposed to be?
I hope Baby feels better today.
And congratulations, Aidan. I am really looking forward to Life After Yes.
The exact reaction Lindsey had. Who knew there were such kindred souls out there?
And how, in my shallow little life, did I miss that you have a book coming out? That is HUGE. I am definitely going to B&N in May to dive into your words.
I know I’d be a nervous wreck if I were in your shoes, but I hope you can also appreciate the accomplishment. You already have succeeded, in my eyes. Raising my up of tea to salute you!
Sorry to be repetitive, but my answer is the same as Lindsey and Kirsten’s. As much as I am a planner, as much as spontenaeity makes me anxious and as much as I like certainty, I would absolutely NOT want to see the end of my book. I don’t even particularly want to see the pages that describe tomorrow.
I am not sure I can articulate it any better than the two ladies above me already have. I do think that, as Kirsten said, there is a large part of us that would make decisions based on who we are supposed to be, who we are written to be in the end. But, in a very roundabout way, that would completely defeat the purpose of being ourselves. I don’t know yet who I am supposed to be, or what my greater purpose is, if there even is one. I used to think that success was measured in how others perceived my success, but within the last year, my definition of success has changed. If I had looked at the end of my book in January 2009, it would have said something that, on December 4, 2009, would have made me very unhappy. What I hope will be the end of my life or even 5 years from now has changed so much over the last year that I could not imagine what “knowing” who I was going to end up being and not liking it at all would do to my spirit and to my willingness to work hard, to be a good person, etc.
So uh, I think my answer is no.
I am looking forward to your book as well. So exciting!
I want to apologize for spelling Kristen, Kirsten in my last post. Sorry!
I don’t think I would want to know, because what if there was something really horrid in the pages to come? Then I would just sit and worry about the inevitable. But….if the book was in front of me I would totally read it, because I lack self control
Congratulation on the book!! You are an amazing woman.
Would I want to see the pages… No, I don’t think I would.
Not from fear or ruining the surprise but because if I knew something was going to happen would I try to change it? And then if I couldn’t would I life with a sort of finality / fatality overshadowing everything I did. And I would forever wonder if things played out the way they did because I knew and was creating *that* reality rather than my own.
You worked hard to get to this place. Those pages are simply the accumulation of that work and the promise of what is to come.
Now as for a glimpse into my own life…would I want to revise it. I’ve thought about that and realized as horrendous as some parts were – No. Why? Because the person I am now is the sum of all those experiences and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.
It’s kind of what happens when we write and decide if certain elements are necessary to our story. We come to the understanding some things can’t be changed, they’re the lead up to the entire plot (If we want to consider the previous analogy – the things that make us who we are).
I think books are like children, we will always ponder if we gave our best and did right by them.
Hope your little one feels better hon. (Hugs)Indigo
1) I hope babykins is better soon. must be very nervewracking
2) I read the teaser on your book. It sounds really amazing–I’m sure all the red markery you’ve got to do will be well worth it.
3) In answer to your question, just like everybody else, I would just say “no” to knowing. I like that my life has more question marks than periods and am curious where it’s going to go.
I have a sneaky suspicion that even if we thought we could see the future in a crystal ball, it would laugh at us and run away like the sprite that it is… taunting our efforts to corral and analyze it.
Better to live out loud, enjoy each day and make the future one moment at a time.
What interests me most about the idea of my life in pages is not the opportunity to flip to the ending (I wouldn’t…) but the opportunity to look at my life objectively; to read it from the outside looking in.
Perhaps these are my own insecurities peeping out. But I am so intrigued by curiosity about how I seem to others. At least in general terms, I know the answer to this. (It turns out I have a modicum of self-awareness.) But the idea that I am the main character of some story is an interesting one. What would I think of myself if I weren’t, well, myself? It’s an answer I’ll never find. But a question still worth pondering.
I send visions of vaporizers, fluids, and bulb syringes to Baby. Also Infant Tylenol and good naps. And Aidan, I hope the holiday spirit befalls you soon. I’m working to get into it myself.
Gale! That is a great point re: how we seem to others. I would be interested in that as well. Not so much because I care what others think (although I do, at least a little bit), but because I, like you, wonder what the objective view of my life would be. What would my life look like without to someone who hasn’t lived it? That’s so fascinating!!
How exciting! Relax. Breathe. All is well. But if you’re like me (at least how I am with my posts – no novel here!)you have many of those pages memorized and have been going over and over “I should have tweaked this or I should have cut that.” Don’t second guess yourself. It is wonderful. YOU are wonderful. And I can’t wait to share in the wonderfulness!
An interesting question. One that requires extensive introspection. My answer depends on how I am feeling. I have had many moments where I wish I could see how my life is going to read. I WANT to know the ending.
As of right now? No. I am satisfied with my life prospects. I am almost certain of one thing, medical school is in the horizon for my husband (and me, because, let’s face it, it is a family event). I don’t know where, or even when, but I know it will happen.
I also don’t know how many children I will end up with. I want many, but my body may have other plans. I will just enjoy the two I have now.
I think that is the extent of the things I think about. Pretty simple, eh?
hurray for aidan!! SO exciting. not that you need my advice, but why go through it YET again? have you (and your editor) not already gone through it a zillion times? let it go! it’s already perfect!
and as far as checking out the pages of my life? NOT A CHANCE!! i want each and every turn to be a surprise.
great stuff! congrats to you. can’t wait to read it!
oh love, you know my answer to this…. i just wanted to comment how excited i am for you and truly thrilled.
good GOOD vibes sent your way.
Oh no thanks. No taking things back or rewriting any part. And certainly not knowing for now is better. It keeps me moving forward.
So excited for you! So excited to see your hard work coming to fruitition!
And wishes for Baby’s speedy recovery!
so enjoyed reading your blog this afternoon .. your book sounds great.. can’t wait til it comes out.
I’m so excited to read your book!!! I’m sure it will be fabulous.
Also, very relieved to hear that you are still swine free…
If you were given the opportunity to see the pages of your life, would you take it?
That answer changes dependent upon my mood. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t. There is something special about mystery.
Aidan,
After reading the synopsis of your book for the second or third time, I feel I must tell you that both Sage and Quinn were on the short list of names for baby number three.
That aside, I am a perfectionist when it comes to printed words. I have half of a novel written, and every time I read it I make some change. Tiny or otherwise.
I do not envy your task this weekend, but I envy you your forthcoming novel.
And, I would like to know a few things, I admit. About life and death. I think it would help me to be less anxious in the day to day. Though I hope it wouldn’t make me take things for granted, for I feel that is truly a mistake many people make and one that I try very very hard not to do.
At this moment… my answer is no. My life has taken some very unexpected turns in the past six months, turns that would not seem to be good ones, and turns that could lead to very scary places. But maybe not. I do no want to know. Because today was a beautiful day.
And I’m sorry it took me so long to make it over here. (Should I offer the three-kids-I’m-exhausted-all-the-time-excuse? I guess I just did.) Your writing is lovely. Thank you. Congratulations.
I would definitely not want to know. Life is peaceful and delicious right now and I am holding on to it and just want to the status quo to continue. I am sure life will bring me heartaches and pain along the way but knowing specifically what lingers would sap the sweetness from the good times leading up to the inevitable bumps along the way. Also, it would take all hopes and dreams away once you knew for sure what is ahead – no matter how brilliant and amazing the future may be, it puts a cap on dreaming about it, which would be sad. All that being said, if I were in a dark place in my life I could see wanting to know the future, just so it could pull me through. Thankfully that isn’t my mindset right now! Thought-provoking question, that is for sure. Could make an interesting book premise
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