Pathetiquette
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CONFESSION: I am not good at writing thank you notes. In fact, I’m pretty bad at it.
Growing up, I never wrote them. On Christmas morning, I would sit there in my parents’ living room, amid a swirl of sisters and ribbons, clutching a tiny pad, pen cocked, ready to record all the gifts I got. And, like a good girl, I did. I wrote everything down. Little identifying details so that when the time came, I could write the perfect personal note of gratitude. But I would never write the note. Never. In some nook of my past, there is a whole stack of tiny pads scribbled with things I received and never thanked anyone for.
If you are reading this and sent me a Christmas gift before 2004, I am sorry. I’m sure I liked it. Whatever it was.
Yes, there is some hope woven in that tiny little paragraph above. The 2004 part. Because it is now 2009. Things changed a bit when I got older, when I got married. I was entering a new family and a new world. The adult world. A place where these notes were non-negotiable. A place where I felt compelled to please everyone, to be super polite. I started writing notes. With frenzy. I remember sending wedding shower thank yous the day after my wedding shower. My etiquette was in full bloom. Finally. I was a changed woman.
Except that I wasn’t.
Last week, I rifled through the box of stationery that we’ve accumulated over the years to find cards with Baby’s name on it. I was about a month late in writing thank yous for her first birthday (which is not too terrible, right?) But while rummaging through, I happened upon something horrible: A slim stack of wedding thank yous, already penned, never sent. These people were never thanked for their thoughtful contributions to our collections of fine china and good silver (that we have used all of zero times). Husband and I have been married five years on the 18th of this month. Five years. This is not okay.
If you sent us a wedding present and did not receive a thank-you note, I am sorry. I apologize profusely for my pathetiquette.
Yes, pathetiquette. It seems that my etiquette is so tarnished, so sullied, it deserves its very own name. When it comes to these things, to simple strictures of politeness and gratitude, I am a bit pathetic.
The epiphany. Yes, that’s right. I have little light bulb moments from time to time. Don’t be envious. There are plenty of revelations to go around. Yesterday afternoon, I sat here at this desk, a mad woman trying to meet a publishing deadline, scouring my own work for itty-bitty flaws. And there it was. The Acknowledgments Page. The most lofty thank you note I have written to date. I think I did a decent job with it. In it, I thanked several people who helped get me here, unwittingly or no, to this place and time. But while reading and rereading this page, I suffered a stabbing moment of panic, of sadness. I realized that I’ve never thanked many of these people before. I have never picked up the phone, or crafted a little email, or said over coffee: Hey, thank you. Thank you for your help and encouragement.
It is not just that I am bad at writing thank yous. I am bad at saying thank you. This is much worse. Far more grave. This is not about the formalities of social life. This is a bigger deal. This matters. Really matters.
Why is this so hard for me? I think thank you all the time, my mind is often awash with appreciation and praise, but these things sometimes get stuck inside me. Why does this happen? Is there something about saying thanks that makes me feel vulnerable, less strong? Is not saying thanks, actually saying it, evidence of entitlement? Of laziness? Of something more sinister? I don’t know. But whatever the reason (reasons are slippery suckers, aren’t they?), things need to change. I will work on it. I will change. Change is possible. Always.
So.
Thank you to everyone in my life for tolerating the vicissitudes of my pathetiquette over all these years. Thank you, Santa and sundry family members, near and far, for your Christmas presents over the past 3.1 decades. Thank you Danielle LaPorte for your exquisite existential guidance and fiery friendship. Thank you Gretchen Rubin for your camaraderie and for adding that little link to the bottom of your compelling (and decidedly non-boring) post.
Thank you. Readers of my words. For lending me your eyes and minds for a few fine moments each day. For tolerating my imperfections. For absorbing my evolution. For forgiving me even if you don’t know me.
Thank you.
(Hey, it’s a start.)
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Are you good at writing thank you notes? Have you always been? Are you good at saying thank you? Why do you think it is sometimes hard to express the gratitude we feel? Where do you fall on the Etiquette/Pathetiquette scale more generally?
I can...
So what you are REALLY saying is that my thankyou letter is in the post?
My mum still hounds me about thankyou letters. When I was younger I would hold off and off in the vain hope that she would forget but oh no she never did.
The day we got back from our honeymoon and rang our parents (to say we were home safely of course) both mums thought that was the time to ask whether we had written our thankyou letters.
Um yeah, on our honeymoon we wrote our thankyou letters. Silly parents.
I’m glad I’m not the ONLY one !!! you made my day
I’m appreciative, but I just don’t always have the written follow through.
I love writing thank you notes!! I write thank you notes when a friend’s parents let me stay in their beach house, I write thank you notes when someone has said something particularly nice to me, I write thank you notes when I have just been thinking about someone (although I suppose those are more just notes, but whatever). I love writing note, be it thank you or otherwise.
What I love about thank you notes is that they are so easy, so simple, and yet, to the person that receives them, it means so much. (I hope.) To my grandmother it means that someone still knows she’s alive (more complicated than it sounds), to my friend’s parents it means that someone understands that they have been welcomed into the family home that has been there for generations, for the dinner party host it means that someone was truly appreciative that the host set out an extra place setting. In a world where little things are often not noticed, thank you notes signify someone taking the time to slow down and notice the little things. I have a drawer full of thank you notes just waiting for their moment.
So um, I think I’m good at thank you notes. What I am not good at it accepting compliments, which is a thank you, but a completely different thank you I think. I try my best to thank people when they have helped me; however, I think that I am often afraid that the thankee will think my thank you is not genuine because of the frequency some people throw out thank you when they don’t really mean it. That is perhaps why I love thank you notes so much, although they are not always appropriate. Strike that, NOTES are ALWAYS appropriate!! So thank you Aidan, for there are several people who I have been meaning to send a thank you note to, for just being there for me, supporting me and just being alive. I think I will put that on my to do list for tomorrow.
I love thank you notes too. But I understand the regret about things unsaid, the fear that positive emotion has gone unrecognized. I try really hard to say thank you, and I am obsessed with having my last words to my kids before bed, etc, be “I love you” – this came from my extreme focus on this as a kid. I insisted that my parents say that to me before they left for the night or a trip. I remember to this day it was because I was afraid they might die before I saw them again and that was a way to be sure those were their last words.
Ummm… grim for a child? Maybe.
But I think I’ve always been thinking about the impact words have, the way they are remembered and cherished, rolled around in our heads and hearts.
And, Aidan, thank YOU! For all the ways you make me think and make me feel less alone.
xo
I come from a long line of thank you note writing women, but I’ve married into a family that doesn’t believe in them – so now I’m sort of a thank you note writing hybrid. I write them almost all of the time for almost all of the gifts I (and my kids) receive. I do like the old fashioned sensibility of writing and receiving actual cards, but I compromise on this when it comes to new parents. My new custom is to send a Mad Libs style postcard (Dear Kristen, Thank you for the _____ gift. It is a _____ addition to our nursery…) with my presents to new parents so that they can acknowledge the gift without taking time out of their sleep-deprived moments with their new babies.
And I want to echo Lindsey: thank you, Aidan, for sharing your creativity and powers of reflection with us every day. Beautiful writing is one the greatest gifts to receive.
I very much want to be a note writer. I love nice cards. I love the idea of being the kind of woman who owns a writing desk and a nice pen and lovely paper. And wait, I do own those things. But I don’t like stamps, or the post office, or remembering to walk the notes to the mailbox. I don’t like that there is a window (2 weeks) after which I am so humiliated I didn’t send the note that it seems ridiculous to send it at all.
We’re trying holiday cards this year for the first time. I’ll let you know how it goes.
I am also really good at WRITING thank you’s but my disorganized world makes me really bad at SENDING them. I write very elaborate, personal words to people who have been kind enough to give me a gift, lend me a hand, give me a hug… but finding their address, an envelope and a stamp is another story. It’s pathetic, and terrible.
I’m also bad at saying thank you for a compliment. I always turn it around and make it a compliment for the person who was trying to hand it to me. I’m too insecure at times to believe the compliment I guess. Sad.
Love your term Pathetiquette. Will be using it, hope that’s ok!
And your thank you’s… it’s a great start and once you start, it will make you feel so good I’m sure that it will come easier!
I’m actually kind of obsessed with writing thank-you notes. I’m sure I’ve received gifts before and not written a thank-you, but they’d be few and far between. And I LOVE a really well-crafted, thoughtful thank-you note. I can spend hours writing them. My husband thinks I’m a little nutty…and slightly judgmental when I receive one-liner thank-you’s in the mail. I’m working on that:) Just like a gift, it’s the thought that counts…
And in that vein, “thank-you’s” are always welcome, whether they be 1 or 10 years later.
Question: You say you are bad at saying “Thank you.” Are you really bad at saying “Thank you,” or are you really bad at asking for help when you need it, so you never actually have people around to thank?
Signed,
That Person Who is Also Suckage at Asking for Help
I’ve got bad at sending thank you notes after we got married. My husband’s family doesn’t do them, so it’s hard to get motivated to do the rest. I appreciate everything I receive!
lol yes i guess it’s a start! i only send them for baby showers/wedding. i don’t for birthday parties so i guess i’m 1/2 pathetic lol
When I first saw the title I thought of Beethoven’s pathetique. Pathetiquette is quite a different mood.
I am horrible with thank-you cards. but not with saying thank-you. I guess I should try harder.
I love the term “pathetiquette!” Perfect – I, too, am/was bad at writing thank you notes, remembering birthdays with a card – any snail mail activity, actually. My grandmother, on the other hand, was amazing at it. And I have aspired to be just like her but am only seeing the true value and joy of holding a heartfelt card in my hands now that she’s gone. So, Grandma – Thank you for showing me the value of the thank you note or the quick note in a card. I wish I had sent more of the to YOU.
I’m a thank you note maven. I don’t always love writing them, but I can’t live with myself if I don’t. (Kind of like I can’t leave the house until the bed is made…) Most of the time I enjoy earnestly thanking someone for something they’ve done. But selfishly, I get a huge sense of satisfaction in crossing names off of a thank you note list. Hopefully that doesn’t cheapen the act itself.
My mom really hammered away at the thank you note thing when I was growing up. She made it seem like more than an etiquette problem, but like you were a horrible person, ruining a friendship if you didn’t send one. We had a particularly bad fight once when I made the executive decision not to send one to someone because I had already seen them and thanked them again in person. Maybe she went overboard, because I’ve never met anyone since who would be offended by not getting one!
So much stress for such a little note :p
Too funny! I was raised to write thank you notes. Still do, as much as possible. But not always. Life gets so hectic. But I still believe in doing it. (And my apologies to all those I haven’t sent notes to as well!) REALLY funny! (Getting boys to write thank you notes is like the proverbial pulling of teeth. 50-50.)
ADR, I’m so glad you’re waving your white flag of Pathetiquette – because I’m way righteous about thank you notes…they make you feel good. they make everyone feel good. I want to start a global movement in sending thank you notes – I know you’ll be by my side now. Pen in hand. And I think I can hook you up with some cool stationery, even.
I’m really good at writing thank you notes and TERRIBLE at sending them! I’ve found little stacks of already-addressed notes on more than one occasion. Thanks for giving us a word for our problem – Pathetiquette.
Oh A … it runs in the family. Really, it does. I don’t blame our parents but there are five of us and I don’t think one of us is good at thank you notes! I have constant guilt about it and every once in a while will cross a few names off my list but that list is always there and it is constantly growing. Speaking of, Jessica, one that I have had written and even stamped but that has sat in my desk for about three months now is to your parents for the adorable and PERSONALIZED booties they sent to Baby Bulldog. All I need is their new address and I have not motivated to acquire this. I think that pretty much defines “pathetiquette.”
For me I think the block has something to do with letting them pile up and then being overwhelmed by the task (every time I sit down to write a few it is with the intention of writing them ALL and then I quickly burn out). I too sent thank you’s within the week of my wedding shower. I then sent a grand total of ten after my wedding, which I have and will always feel terrible about. I have given myself a bit of pass there given the timing with Dad, but I think most people would have done them anyway. I am like this with emails too: unless I respond right away chances are I am not going to for a long, long while. Both of these are things I desperately need to work on.
Off to cross a few more names off that list … you have inspired me! Or maybe I’ll reply to a few emails
I am AWFUL at Thank You cards, but good at the verbal thank yous. I’ve married into a family that eats, drinks, and breathes thank-you cards. They send thank you cards in response to other people’s thank you cards. They thank for gifts, visits, even special phone calls. They are single-handedly keeping the stationary companies in business. I’ve been told I really need to step up my game if I want to be a real part of this family. My mother is ashamed that she didn’t teach me better. I’m tired of all the thank yous.
I feel your pain! I have the best intentions, and your post is so timely. I am just finishing the stack of thank you notes for my birthday (in August), and still desperately want to send them — but is it weird to send them with my Xmas cards to save on postage (lol)? I wrote half of them that night, even carried them with me to TO and Paris, in the hopes of making the time to write them and even mail them from a cool postmark to make up for my tardiness! The fact is, it is way easier to email even my closest friends (half of them, I don’t even know their snail mail addresses, and I coudl drive blindfolded to their house!) than it is to go through the act of sending the cards — I have cards, pens, envelopes, and stamps – there is no good reason why these cards sit with me. There is no such thing as being too grateful – I wish I could just figure out an electronic way to send a tasteful thanks that showed some thought and class, without the nagging, piled up, feeling and the administrative nightmare of snail addresses and postage
nope… i’m not… http://www.mybottlesup.com/im-not-good-at-this
Aidan,
Also not too prompt in the writing and sending of Thank You notes around these parts. When written, they are thoughtful. They are full of joy. They are full of gratitude. If after writing them, I actually get them posted and in the mail I know it’s a banner month.
Two things. I put so much pressure on myself for writing such a fantastic Thank You that I think it’s even harder to get to them when my mind is swirling with so many other things. And also, about saying “Thank you” in general: For me, saying TU implies you needed help in some way or another. Whether it’s the woman in front of you holding the door for your carriage (easy enough to thank) or a good friend taking your weepy phone call or a husband rescuing you from the seas of motherhood, sick children, dinnertime tantrums.
I was not so keen on asking for help for many years. I hear what Kitch is saying. I am better now at ASKING for the help (it’s easier with three kids in tow – really, you’ll be amazed at the shift), but it’s still ADMITTING to it that is difficult. But now? Now I delight in thanking others. In letting them know that I need them and I want them in my life and I am so grateful for it. No matter how little or small. People want to be thanked because people want to be needed.
In short, we all want to feel connected. And saying thank you is one of the most common ways to do that.
So thank YOU for writing. For words. And for that brilliant new word, Pathetiquette.
I did the exact same thing with wedding thank-you’s. I found a stack of them in a desk drawer a few years after our wedding. I felt sick.
This year, I have given up on thank-you notes. Because. Because I do not have the ability to thank everyone enough for what they have done for me. A note, a piece of paper, a few words do not do justice to all the kindness I have been given in a situation that has left me more vulnerable and helpless than I ever imagined I would be. I say “thank you.” Again and again. And it is so inadequate.
Ah, see I feel the opposite of Goldfish. While I do not know Goldfish’s situation, I do know that no matter how significant the kindness I have extended to people, no matter how much I give, I would be overwhelmed with gratitude to even get a hand written note card that plainly says, “Thank you.”
The reason that is enough for me is that it is uncommon, it takes thought and time. It is not an email that we all so casually throw around in seconds from phones and laptops and other portable devices that are with us at every moment. It requires someone to plan, think about NOT writing something electronic, and not just throw out a “thank you” when it crosses their mind in person. As “easy” as a simple thank you card may seem, to me, it is the complete opposite. It is a throw back to a time when there was no technology that allowed us to express our gratitude in 30 seconds. It requires us to go get postage, to walk to the mailbox, to lick the envelope and to me, THAT is what makes it so special. Not what the actual words are, but that someone did it at all.
Aidan, this was such a clever and thought-provoking post! Thanks for being brave enough to write about it. I quoted you on my blog today in my thank you note discussion. http://www.beruly.com/?p=521
I’m just catching up on old posts of your blog (what fun!) and came across this one. I LOVE writing thank you notes and, I am sure this is old fashioned, but I love receiving thank you notes (not emails or text messages) but actual hand writen notes. It’s so rare to receive mail (other than bills and catalogues) these days that I love coming to home to a note from a friend and I love when a friend takes time to tell me that they enjoy my gift. I spend alot of time buying presents for others and putting thought into the gift! I’ve noticed though that I rarely receive thank-you notes. Life may just be too busy for people to find time to acknowledge gifts/actions, etc. That’s ok too!