The Passion Problem
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- 09
It wasn’t a fight. (For better or worse, Husband and I don’t fight.) It was more of a conversation. A real one, layered, textured, difficult. One I initiated.
“What’s wrong?” I asked Husband, looking up from my laptop screen.
“Nothing,” he said.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“It’s just that you work so much these days. Whenever you are with me and the girls, I feel like you want to be working.”
Dagger. Dagger. Dagger.
“That’s not true,” I said. Because it wasn’t true. Being with my family is my absolute favorite thing in the world. Hands down. But. There is a problem these days.
The passion problem.
Many of you know I left the law firm several years ago not because I was miserable, but because I knew I would never be passionate about practicing law at a corporate law firm. I walked away from a plum job and a high wattage career to give myself a shot at finding professional passion. I took a risk. A calculated one.
And I started writing. I liked it. At times, I loved it.
I had Toddler. Wham. Suddenly, I had a quick surge of passion. A new kind of passion. Not entirely unlike the passion I had felt and feel for Husband.
Fast forward a bit. We welcomed Baby. More love. More passion.
And now. Now, between the babies and the books and this blog, I am feeling true passion of a different sort. Creative passion. Professional passion. I love writing. I dream of writing. I write in my dreams. I play with words while falling asleep and in the quiet moments after waking. At every moment of the day, I am brainstorming, telling myself stories, willing myself to remember new words I see scattered about me. My life has become my material. And my material has become my life.
I told Husband all of this. I told him how excited I am to be doing, actually doing, something I love and not just talking about it. I told him how if I am going to do it, I want to do it well. And if I am going to do it well, I am going to throw myself into it.
And I have.
And in that moment, when I sat across from the man I love and studied his sad and somber face, I felt a tremendous stab of guilt. I apologized. I took it a bit too far. I got defensive. I told him that maybe I would just stop. Stop blogging altogether. That my happiness wasn’t more important than his, or the girls’. Because it isn’t. It isn’t.
And then he said something to me. “If you need to be doing this, then you should do it.”
And this provoked me. “Of course I don’t need to be doing this. I want to be doing this.”
But then I thought about it. And I realized that it wasn’t this simple. I want and need to be doing this. That is what passion is, isn’t it? The commingling of intense need and desire? I have finally found something that fires me up, so I should do it, right? Right?
I don’t know. This is a problem. The best possible problem to have, but still a problem.
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Do you have conflicting personal and professional passions? How do you differentiate want and need?
Everyone struggles and...
The most important thing is balance. The tricky thing is that for many of us we like to run with things so it is hard to find a healthy balance. Those conversations (real, layered, textured, difficult) are always exhausting, but it is good you are having them.
Balance, yes, that elusive balance. How ever do we find it?
Isn’t it odd that while it is so difficult to see our partners bored and unhappy unprofessionally, it is sometimes just as difficult to see them passionate and intense? (I’ve been on both parts of both sides of that equation with Husband.) I wrote yesterday about the difference between doing something and the state of being that comes from the doing. It sounds like you, my new friend, have found something to do that makes you feel the way you want to be. What a powerful example that is for your daughters and, indeed, your husband. And how lucky for those of us who get to read the fruits of your passion each day.
I have this conversation almost daily with my husband. Although for me, it’s not about “working” all the time. My writing can in no way be categorized as “work” but it IS my new passion. And the fact that it is so “new” makes it seem, to my husband, like a fleeting interest that he thinks will disappear. He comes home from work, I’m writing or reading what others have written. He leaves for work, I’m writing or reading again. He says, “Do what you have to do”. I get defensive because as you said, it’s not what I have to do but what I WANT to do. It makes me happy. For the past 2 years I’ve only been “allowed” to have one passion – my family. It’s still my passion but I’ve found I NEED and WANT more. So my conflict is not the balance between personal and professional passions but the balance between new and expected passions. Hope that makes sense!
Don’t stop writing your blog… I am quite sure you’d be lost without it! And I’d sure miss it!
Oh, yes. It’s so hard to balance your creative and spiritual needs with your familial obligations without feeling a little guilty at times. My husband didn’t really get it at first either. I just had to explain to him–more than once–that I was on my way to creating a better me….that the time I was spending on these things that I love didn’t mean I loved them any less. In fact, it helped me love them more. As time passes, I think he understands more and more.
I DO feel thankful that my husband does consider my blog “work.” I think that’s really generous of him, since I’m not making one dime off of it and never will. I’m not sure if I even would consider it a “job”…but he does, thank goodness.
But here’s where things get sticky. I don’t know about other people, but the way MY creativity flows is disturbingly hit or miss. I can’t sit down at the computer every day at 9am and suddenly be able to tap into my creative groove. My creativity flows in fits and spurts, and when it’s flowing, it’s FLOWing. And I’d better well get crackin’ because pretty soon, it disappears in a flash and then I got nothin’.
Which is sorta hard when dinner needs to get on the table and kids need homework supervision and someone has just shit her pants.
Or when your husband needs affection and you know it’s time to Put Out, Sugar…and you do but the whole time your brain is moving at rocket speed and all you want to do is jump into the world of words and phrases…and you feel like a fraud. Dagger. Dagger. Dagger.
Once, when I was about a year out of business school, I went to an evening event where a bunch of older-than-i-was graduates were complaining about their struggles with work/life balance. Like the naive idiot I was, I piped up, “Isn’t it, in fact, a hugely fortunate thing, to struggle between a job you love and children you love?”
Suffice it to say that didn’t go so great. I was told in no uncertain terms that as someone without kids I had no idea what I was talking about. And, probably, I had inadequately taken the pulse of the room I was in.
But, frankly, now that I have two kids (and no job that I live, but inklings of what one might be) I still sort of agree. It is not easy, for sure it’s not. It is HARD. But it is a privilege, to have multiple things we are wildly passionate about. It is. I believe that.
I try to remind myself of that when the tension between the obligations threaten to swamp me.
i had a VERY similar convo with hub a few weeks ago, upon receiving positive news regarding a passion of mine i am working on (that you know of miss a.) anyway, similar convo… and upon staying up WAY too late discussing it, hub and i came to the realization that right now, at this moment in time, MY passion is being fulfilled. i wish i could say the same for him right now, but it’s not. his passion for his work is not being fulfilled at this moment in time. there is most definitely hope for it to be in the very near future, which is encouraging. this conversation led me to the ultimate conclusion that with the “dagger” as you mentioned is a sprinkle of jealousy, which i believe to be unintended and certainly not malicious, but still there.
wouldn’t it be great if we could all be passionately satisfied and content at the same time?
There’s a saying: “You can have it all, just not all at the same time.”
Passions grow, shift, change, expand. And when we have families, we have to move the puzzle pieces around constantly, including the priorities at various times. It’s a matter of practicality. Only so many hours in the day.
But it doesn’t change what your passion(s) are. Only the reality that it takes a team effort to pursue them, flexibility, and an acceptance that nothing works perfectly.
And remember this: creative passions are different from other sorts of passions. They do work 24/7, whether we are awake or asleep. It’s not quite the same universe as it is for the non-writers, non-performers, non-musicians, non-artists, non-inventors. So we need to cut them a break – their passions don’t plague them around-the-clock the way ours do. Explain kindly, and be a little patient. Including with yourself.
Don’t stop writing your blog! I just found it and do so love it. Nevermind the needs of your husband and children, think about ME for christ’s sake.
Just kidding.
I agree with what’s been said. I have no idea what your schedule is like so I can’t make any concrete recommendations, but perhaps you could keep a notebook close by during your “off” time to jot down ideas so you can get them on paper and re-focus on your family.
Also I’ve found that writing a bunch of blogs at once helps. Once I’m in the creative flow, I can write and save a bunch of posts so if I’m having a particularly busy week I can select from ones I’ve already written.
But I don’t think you should have to give up your passion, and I doubt your husband really wants you to. It’s so rare that people find something they’re passionate about, you have to hold on to it!
Wow. This post really hit home. My husband and I have yet to have this conversation but I feel it looming overhead. It’s just on the tip of his tongue and I’m bracing myself for how I’m going to answer. Like TKW, I’ll never make a dime off my blog – but that doesn’t mean I don’t consider it my job. And it’s the first job I’ve had since motherhood that I actually LOVE doing. I remember one day, dropping the kids off to school, racing back to the house only to sit at the computer writing and reading for 5 hours straight and being stunned that it was already time to pick the kids up. My husband has a job like that, that he loves going to every day. I’ve always envied that. And now I have it, too. Blogging/writing has become my passion, too. I hope you find a way to find the balance. And then share those secrets with me – I think I’m going to need ‘em!
Balance.
Oh the irony.
Just moments before I blatantly made the decision to distract myself from the NEW POST I was attempting, I sat and contemplated balance. Punched out a couple of paragraphs. Balance. I don’t like it. It’s not a word for me. It is like trying to achieve the impossible. And not hardly in a good way. I mean really – an IMpossible.
But Passion? Now that’s a word I can get behind. Passion. It is my life. My life’s work. Just using that word makes me feel more oomph in everything I do.
It is a gift. This feeling you have is a gift. And not all gifts are graceful all the time.
But you have something powerful to hold onto. And your leap was worthwhile. And many people are rewarded.
I think it’s strange that you and your husband don’t fight, is that possible?
First, I agree with Lindsey SO much. I hope I always choose being pulled in all directions by things I love over being pulled by things I only tolerate or dislike.
The reason I started looking for jobs “outside” my “field” (as an English major) is because I realized that if I depended on writing, creative writing, to support me, I’d grow to resent and eventually hate it. I’d rather have the things I love, writing and running and photography, to be things I *get* to do, not things I *have* to do (“have” in the sense of necessary-to-pay-bills-etc). If I make money off those things, great, but I don’t want that to be one of the main motivators.
Also, consider that while passion may always be there, over the long term, it surges and ebbs like waves. Maybe remind your husband that while you’re in this great flow of creativity and writing now, there will come a time when you won’t feel as inspired and you’ll spend more time with your family (or more time “in the moment” with your family).
I am pretty fortunate that I love my job and most of the time, it is totally compatible with being an involved mom and wife. However, I am in the midst of the biggest disruption to that balance since my daughter was born nearly 8 1/2 years ago. I am torn right now, I am missing a lot of precious time with my family and yet I am so happy and fulfilled to be doing what I am doing. I think the importance to me of what I am doing at work and its finiteness keep me from feeling too guilty. Then again, talk to me in 3 months and see if I am as hopeful
, it is so hard, but I like you, will get thru the pangs.
Hmm. I don’t *love* my job but I do really like it and I never dread going to work. I basically just negotiate for a living. I think I could be *passionate* about being an attorney but… This sounds odd, but, I don’t really need to be passionate about my work. I like it well enough. And my job(‘s salary) enables me to do other things I really enjoy doing. For instance, I like cooking and food photography and so I did a side gig with Conde Nast for a bit. Stuff like that. Overall, I love writing most and travel. So I spend my days at a job I enjoy and time off that I love – it works for me. At least, I don’t feel frustrated with things.
Probably more than anything, though, I am probably most passionate about people. I love observing people and the things around me. I love writing about something that makes people pause and think about things in a different way.
I am, perhaps, too literal and too practical to really ask myself the question of need/want. “I want to do things so I need to have a decent job.”
These are good questions that I often think about; it’s helpful to write them out. Thank you.
-R.
I think I’m the only commenter here who wants to utter a warning — be careful! Watch what you expose here. Know that the boundaries become more and more blurry. Ask yourself all the time if you are being faithful to your first loyalty, which is your family. It’s clear that you love them and value them above all else.
Why do I say this? I’m kind of a professional exhibitionist, a columnist, journalist, commentator and also an ordained priest who has spent a lot of her career struggling with the same dichotomy. Everything becomes a possible story — and then we have to draw boundaries and say no.
I recognize and respect that to many women the blogosphere has made it possible for them to find a voice. But oh, there are temptations.
Just recognize when you are about to give in, and make sure you balance it out on the other side
So easy for me to give you advice, so hard for me to live it. I agonize about this regularly on my blog — must be kind of boring for others to read.