I’m Not Sure I Should Tell You This
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I did many things during my winter break from blogging. Like take a pregnancy test.
What?
No, Anyone Who Cares in the Slightest. I am not pregnant.
But for about thirty-six hours in the recent past, I was convinced that I was. While Project Number Three is a hot topic of conversation these days chez Rowley, Husband and I have decided to wait a bit to try to make this a reality. But when I was two days late for my exceedingly regular period (sorry if this is information you do not crave) and not feeling so great, a mini-light bulb flared in my mind.
Could it be?
I wasn’t the only one who jumped to conclusions. Husband did too. We just had that collective hunch. And you know what? Even though this very-hypothetical pregnancy was something we didn’t exactly plan or try for, we were excited. Together, we talked about all of the pros of having another child now. About the pseudo-symmetry that would result in the spacing of our three kids. About the fact that we would be able to travel again sooner. About the fact that we would be relatively young parents for all of our children.
And then because I couldn’t stand it, we went to buy a test. Surreptitiously, I zipped around the vast pharmacy looking for what I needed. I refused to ask for directions. And when we happened upon the right shelf, I clammed up and was overcome with school girl-esque embarrassment.
I gave myself a mini-internal-pep-talk. You are a thirty-one-year old married mother of two. This should not be embarrassing. In the slightest. And then Husband gave me an out loud talking-to. Point to the one you want and I will grab it, he offered. And so I did. And he did.
At home, I took the test. And it was negative.
Hmmmm.
Okay. I gave Husband the news flash. And he nodded and declared that this was not something about which we could be upset because it was not something we specifically hoped for. Totally logical. And guess what? We were not upset. In mere moments, we went back to our initial reasoning. It would be so prudent to wait. We have so much on our plate now with the kiddos and the forthcoming move and the publication of my book. Fine.
But this left me wondering something. Are we as humans wired in some way to want the very situations in which we find ourselves? To tell ourselves stories about how our actual reality is what is in fact best? How was I pumped about a potential pregnancy in one moment and utterly unfazed about the lack of that pregnancy five minutes later? Honestly, this baffles me.
And now for the title of this more brazen post. Is this something I should be blogging about in the first place? I know there is really no objective should when it comes to the amorphous ether of the blogosphere, that really anything goes, but that is not the case with me. Despite spitting quasi-personal bits and pieces of me into this swirling sink of cyberspace, I have pretty disciplined strictures about privacy that I apply every time I post. And I am not sure whether this post violates those strictures.
I don’t think it does. (And this is where I spin into a zone of self-rationalization, so hold on for the ride.) The nuts and bolts of this anecdote are personal, yes. I generally view issues of reproductive biology as exceedingly private matters, yes. Husband’s and my agenda of family planning is for us and us alone, yes.
But I think – I know – that this is about something bigger. Something important. Something universal. This is about the collision of assumption and actuality. Of appearance and reality. Of dreams and desires. This is about the tendency to shroud our personal situations in positivity. This is about our strong human instinct to weave promising tales from the fibers of our lives.
This, friends, is not just about a piece of plastic.
The other day, I told Mom about this post. Mom is a very smart woman. A private woman who once upon a time shuddered at the very idea of a blog. (Now? She reads every day and is my favorite reader. Don’t be offended. I love you too.)
I wrote a post about a pregnancy test, Mom. Do you think it’s okay to publish it?
She smiled and said sure. But then she wanted to know why I thought I was it was possible that I was pregnant. I told her that wasn’t really the point, that I was making a decidedly grander point and wanted to elicit some interesting comments about the collision of perception and reality and some fun stories about pregnancy tests.
Oh, I have some great pregnancy test stories, Mom said, grinning. At that, I promptly decided that this post is completely appropriate for public consumption.
Phew.
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So. Why is the process of purchasing a pregnancy test so embarrassing for me? Am I the only one? Why do we tend to convince ourselves that our actual situations are ideal? Is talking about the purchase and use of a pregnancy test on a public blog going too far? Am I invading my own privacy in some way by posting this? Do you ever run your blog ideas or other decisions by your mother? Any good pregnancy test stories to share?
I can...
I find it embarrassing too (and like you, am old enough that I shouldn’t), but I think it is partly because taking a pregnancy test is something that should be SOOO private (if you want it to be), and yet, in the act of purchasing it, you have to reveal yourself to a total stranger. Think about all the “secrets” our clerks at the drug stores know about!
It’s like horoscopes you read in the paper… You can always spin them so they are true! I do think we’re wired to make reality what we hoped for just as you did with the pregnancy test. It prevents disappointment at every turn. I’m also a big believer in “fate” which also averts disappointment. I’m just glad you and husband are ok with the outcome! It will happen when it’s “best”.
No fun preg test stories here! I actually have NEVER taken one unless I was already doctor confirmed preg. With all the fertility treatments I did blood tests before a reg plastic test could ever tell me anything. I always wanted one of those pee on a stick storybook moment but, alas, not meant for me!
Sometimes I pop one of those in my mouth thinking it is a thermometer.
*did I write that out loud?*
I kid, I’ve never done that.
We’ve had a couple of *might be pregnant and freak out a bit* moments recently and I can relate.
“elicit interesting comments about the collision of perception and reality”
Now there you have me flummoxed.
your comment sounds like aidan wrote it- similar style.
Go read Mo, Sasha (and everyone else). He is a flummoxing master of all niblets serious and silly. Trust me.
Well, it IS weird how buying a pregnancy test, even if you are 31 and happily married, is a little embarrassing. And I don’t know why. You aren’t a 14 year old purchasing condoms at the Kwik-e-Mart, for Heaven’s sake. But still…
And don’t even get me started on the emergency Fleet enema I purchased a few weeks before my due date because I couldn’t bear the thought of POOPING on the birthing table. What was I? Like, 12 or something? I’m bringing a new life into the world and I’m worried about poop?
You were excited about the idea of another child because, even if the timing wasn’t right, you love your life and your husband and your kids, and even though your life feels stuffed-to-the-brim already, the heart makes room.
I am the queen (or was, rather… we are done… hubs took one for the team.. now that would be a funny TMI post!) of thinking I am (was…) pregnant, and going through too many tests to count! It’s the possibility. It’s nerve wracking, and exciting, and it brings ideas front and center that you never quite knew you thought – all while waiting the three minutes for the test results.
Totally embarrassing to buy pregnancy tests… and condoms… and other feminine products. Even tampons honestly and I’ve had my period for nearly 20 years! It’s just personal. Buying pregnancy tests online in advance isn’t the worst idea, though I’ve never had the foresight to do it!
I was a psych major in college and I think the basis for your seemingly irrational and quick change in feelings is called cognitive dissonance. Basically you smooth over doubts in your head and convince yourself that your reality is the best one because it makes you feel better. Totally natural and I’d say great for the survival of the species, though it can lead people to convince themselves of some horrible things! But in your case convincing yourself that having a baby would be great – and then being fine with knowing you aren’t having a baby in exactly 8 months – just says you are happy enough to be at peace with a host of possible futures, which I think is a wonderful thing and means you are in a good emotional place (both you, hubby and your marriage, very good indeed!).
See, now, I was the exact opposite–I’m 7 mos. pregnant now with our first, baby was totally planned and on purpose, and when I got the pregnant reading on the stick (which I was totally expecting), my first thought was “OMG, what the heck was I thinking?!” I thought it again when I first started having morning sickness, and again when my weight started going up. I’m (mostly) recovered now, but I still feel occasional twinges of regret for the loss of our current lifestyle.
But I totally hear you on the pharmacy embarassment. I felt the same way buying my pregnancy test, and any time I buy condoms/other personal items and occasionally tampons. I think Ann’s got it nailed on the head–why on earth should the clerk know this much about my reproductive life?
Problem is, my husband is even more sheepish about that sort of thing than I am, so I’m the one that always has to buck up and say “Oh, just give it here!”
aidan- you “know” me. i am shameless when it comes to my blog. with the occasional TMI post that involves someone else, like my hub, i’ll have him read it as a draft and ask for his approval. (most of the time i get it anyway.) the only time i have ever run blog ideas by my mom (who i am VERY close with) was when i came out on my blog about being a rape survivor. i know a lot of her friends read my blog and were unaware for so long, and because of that, my mom would endure an aftermath of her own. we went back and forth for days, drafting, emailing, editing, emailing back, etc. i have always had complete support from family and friends with regards to my blogging, TMI topics, taboo topics and otherwise.
that being said… i have 1 pregnancy story. the story of jackson, who was such a “holy shit, we’re WHAT?!?” of a pregnancy that i actually bought 6 pregnancy tests because i did not believe the damn plus sign. yup, i was that chick in CVS and bought 6 pregnancy tests (those things are so expensive), each one a different brand, as well as a large bottle of TUMS. then i approached the check out line.
i have a friend, who now lives in germany, who purchases her pregnancy tests in bulk from a canadian website for the discount. about 4 years ago, i found these pregnancy tests under her sink when changing the toilet paper roll in her bathroom. i’ve never seen so many damn plastic pee sticks in my life.
ok, i’ve babbled on long enough.
As a crazy side note, I totally had a dream about you and your family yesterday (even though, no, we’ve never met). I don’t really remember it anymore, but Mr. Rowley looked remarkably like Clark Gable.
Ooooh. That IS crazy. But I love dreams. Wait until LIFE AFTER YES to see how much!
There have actually been times that I wanted to post something but didn’t to spare my mother. My rules are – 1) never post anything explicit about sex or problems within my relationship. 2) Never post anything that is beyond a lighthearted teasing of Dizzle or any person, for that matter. I think whether or not you post something depends on your privacy level and that of your partner!
I think your example of convincing ourselves that our situation is best is completely true. I think it’s a learned trait with a dash of biological impulse. While it does kick in as a survival tactic, I think we get better at this as we get older – otherwise there would be even MORE unhappy people in the world!
This comment may ramble and not make any sense, and for that I apologize. Coming off a three day weekend.
On the privacy issue – true story – I was told when I first announced my intentions of being a writer and was actually writing a book, there were some things I shouldn’t talk publicly about.
Let us visit my old blog topics – Domestic Abuse, Animal Cruelty and Disability Racism (There was more – alot more). Uh yeah, verily heavy topics. So I caved and started a whole new blog.
In the end, even in the new frontier I’m still hitting on life stories and at times somewhat heavy topics. Because in the end, publicity by damned – we are not just ‘writers’, we’re human. I think that quality endears above all else. (Hugs)Indigo
“…and even though your life feels stuffed-to-the-brim already, the heart makes room.”
Kitch really hit the nail on the head with this one. She’s right. We love our children. All of them. The ones who are here. And the ones who might be here in 40ish weeks if there’s a plus sign on that test.
As for being hard wired to believe that our circumstances – whether intentional or not – are ideal probably is hard wired to an extent. We want to believe that our lives are on track. Or even if they’ve gone off track that there’s a lemon/lemonade type opportunity in front of us. We psych ourselves up to bolster ourselves against the big and the bad that the world sometimes hands down to us.
we also love the ones that aren’t here and we don’t know when they’ll be coming
Have you read Daniel Gilbert’s “Stumbling on Happiness?” If you haven’t, you should: it’s a totally fascinating read on happiness. It’s been years since I read it, but something I still remember from the book is his report that we humans are resilient. That is, we tend to make the most of whatever situation we find ourselves in — which is why it’s so easy to “convince” ourselves of the happiness of our situation one moment, and our happiness of a different situation just moments later. You’re resilient!
I think most women will relate to this. I remember a time when I wasn’t planning a pregnancy but thought I was pregnant and was ever so disappointed that my test was negative. But things turned out well when the pregnancies happened as planned, but things would have worked out great if it had happened unplanned. That’s just how life is…we take what we are given and make the best of it!
Suzicate – Welcome to ILI! I am thrilled to see that you and others related to this post. I was oddly quite nervous about publishing this which I guess shows that despite having a pseudo-public persona, I am actually quite private and cautious. I agree with you that we take what we are given and make the best of it. I think this is for the most part a great thing. Thanks so much for your comment!
oh my how i can relate to this. the number of negative tests i’ve taken…even when we WEREN’T trying outnumber the positive tests. and each time i’m nervous and sweating it out. just too much pressure!
Love this post for a couple of reasons reasons. First, I think our ability to adjust and accept helps us in both our bright and bleak moments. I think it helps us survive and it always amazes me. After years of doctors communicating the most life-changing news about my dad, I was always struck by how in 30 seconds our whole family was onto plan B.
Second, with son #2 I suspected I was pregnant but wasn’t fixated on it. I took a pregnancy test, got distracted and left the apartment! I called my babysitter and she went to the bathroom and confirmed…I was pregnant.
Wonderful post, Aidan! So much in here that is so ripe for discussion.
First, after some trouble getting pregnant, I was excited and proud to buy those pregnancy tests – even if the first few didn’t give me the results I wanted. Tampons? Still an embarrassed preteen.
Second, I think you are on to something weighty and universal here: I think that some of us are conditioned to make the best of the situations we are in. This resiliency is a gift – and a challenge. How do we know what we really want if we can make ourselves happy with any outcome?
I think the best pregnancy test story I can think of is when a friend of mine thought she was pregnant because she was naked in the same room as her bf (this was in college and that was her story). We (now husband, me and another friend) got her 5 different tests and after 4 unclear readings, she finally got a ‘not pregnant’ reading from a digital. She called her mom to let her know and all we heard was “Mom, Mom! I know you’re a nurse!” We proceeded to burst into laughter.
I am a fairly frequent purchaser of the equate pregnancy tests in 5 packs. Even as a married woman, it is an embarassing endeavor. Thank goodness for self checkout! I for some reason do not completely trust the power of the birth control pill and have to periodically check from time. Ideally I’d like to wait another couple years to get pregnant.
Of course it’s appropriate. We read blogs to relate to others in some form of another. We like crazy stories because it assures us we’re normal (or some what normal). We may not have done it, but we find that it is what we would’ve done when faced with that particular situation.
I thought I was preggers before a trip to San Diego to visit a college friend. I went to buy a test, and a 16 year old checker had to get it out of the lock box for me. I seriously didn’t know what to pick. I was considering the cheaper store brand and found myself asking the 16 year old “do you think this brand is accurate?” He just stared with his pimply face. I ended up not buying anything because I had a gut feeling it wasn’t so. And it wasn’t!
The one thing I get out of this is, y’all should be doing nothing to prevent pregnancy. And judging by your track record it will have it’s own fructuous reward!
Congratulations for trying!
“Pharmacy Embarrassment Syndrome.” That’s good clean all-American entertainment. And apparently running rampant across the country!
I was never embarrassed to buy necessary adult items. I was glad to have occasion to.
Well, the first thing I thought about was “What happens when you get you what you asked for?” It is the title of a post I wrote or at least I think I did. If I did it needs to be updated and if I didn’t, well…
To me it is interlocked with a number of questions. What brings you joy? What fulfills you etc.
What do you do when you get what you ask for is a big question to me. I think about it a lot. I guess because it ties into fulfillment and while I am happy, I am not yet fulfilled.
The question is why not and how do I make it happen.
In response to your question, it is similar to what my response to your comment on my blog. Humans are resilient because we have to be. Life is good, but it is filled with very hard moments.
If we were incapable of adapting we would be miserable all the time.
I can’t relate. I mean, a long time ago I could have. But then throw 15 years of infertility into the mix and hundreds of pregnancy tests and it’s all a blur. I used to buy pregnancy tests in bulk!
OK…does the fact that I took seven tests within 24 hours because I JUST COULD NOT BELIEVE that I was FINALLY pregnant count?
Far more, this post articulates beautifully and profoundly about this “collision of assumption and actuality” – and our default toward what most protects our hearts vs. what we most deeply desire and hope.
I LOVE that you went right to hope, right to anticipation…beautiful, real aspects of “actuality” and then were able to let the “truth” of the test (and all that’s wrapped up in it) still leave you with desire and hope. It’s not one or the other: assumption or actuality. It’s both/and…letting both coexist, coincide, and co-create.
Hardly over the bounds of appropriateness for a blog. Rather, you invite us to name our own places of hope in the here and now…”weaving promising (true) tales from the fibers of our lives.”
Beautiful, Aidan. Thank you.
I also follow many rules when it comes to blogging. Nothing that I feel could ever be truly embarrassing, for one. There is nothing wrong with sharing a brief moment of excitement over a pregnancy test. Nothing wrong at all.
Welcome to ILI, C! I think you and I follow similar blogging strictures. I don’t know why the one today gave me such pause, but I am so thrilled I went for it because it seems that so many people can relate. I think these little moments, these stories, are what make us human. Thanks very much for your comment!
I think it feels embarrassing–or maybe foreign–because it’s a lot like writing our personal stuff for all to read: It’s private. We stroll into a store and lay our fears, expectations, desires–any and/or all of these, plus some–out, right there in the aisle of the Rite Aid. Before we walked into the store, we wondered about the unknown. We thought about wanting or not wanting a baby and, so often, what we felt was a really bizarre combination of the two.
It feels weird because it’s personal and private, but we haul our asses out of the house and into the world, pick up the test and try, try, try not to react or comment or fold, right there in the Rite Aid.
Yeah, I’ve felt it, too, Aidan, and I’m a lot more than 31. It doesn’t change. Sorry.
Mostly, I don’t talk to anyone about posting something. My brother, my writing mentor, reminds me to write for no one but me. Asking first might throw me, so I don’t ask. It’s nice that you talk to your mother about what you write before you post, though.
I’ve written a lot about my mom. I tell her afterwards and she always thinks it’s a hoot, but I have to say, there’s some solace in the fact that she can’t figure out how to turn on a computer! Also she’s been gracious enough to have given me carte blanche to write about her.
I think your point about adjusting to whatever our situation turns out to be is a mark of healthy functioning—since wanting what we have is an essential key to happiness (it keeps us in the here and now and helps us trust in a world over which we actually have fairly little control). What we can, with a little work (or perhaps with good parenting), control is our attitude toward our situations.
I think your honesty, and obvious love of others, is an act of generosity.
Namaste
I think its embarrassing too, especially when you are buying them, while your kids are with!
And I do have a great pregnancy test story, you will have to come visit me tomorrow to hear it
This is where I share my “holy shit I’m pregnant eight months after my husband’s vasectomy” story. Except that about covers it. And while it wasn’t planned, the second I even suspected I was pregnant we were both thrilled. Our hearts make room for happiness and since this was our fourth babe, we already knew that we had the capacity for it.
One more question: why is it that we will willingly talk about our struggles with parenthood but not about struggles with marriage? Why is the line so different? I do it too but when I really think about it I don’t know why?