Dealing with Distance
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My older Sister N is very very pregnant. Due any day. She has two little girls at home and she is expecting a boy. This reality is revolutionary for the Donnelley fam for two important reasons; (1) She will be the first of us to go the three-kids route; and (2) She will be the first to have a mixed-gender family. Up until recently, we were pretty convinced that we Donnelley girls produce either girls or boys.
Needless to say, we are all very excited. We are waiting for the word to hop a plane and head to Chicago to see her and her new little guy. Now that I have two babes of my own, I crave details I wouldn’t have years ago. I want to know about dilation and effacement and the spacing of contractions. I want to know about the ever-shifting list of baby names. I am a tiny bit obsessed with baby names.
Maybe it’s because my family has been through a lot in the past two years, but there is something about my sister’s pregnancy that makes me kind of sad. That something? That she is relatively far away. That I can’t witness firsthand her wacky cravings. That I can’t place my hand on her belly when I want to feel a kick hello. That I can’t look her in the eye when we talk about excitement and fear and crib colors.
I know that I have little to complain about. I live minutes from Mom and very close to 80% 75% of my sisters. I am lucky in that Sister N and her family come here fairly often, that our little girls get to play. But still.
There is a certain devastation in distance.
Even as I write this post, as I inch toward some undetermined conclusion, I try to determine what it’s all about. Is this really about family? Yes. It is. Even as I wade further into the land of adulthood, my identity is rooted firmly in family soil. Even though I am a Rowley, I will always be a Donnelley. Even though I am a wife and mother, I will always be a daughter and a sister. So, yes, this is about family.
This is about physical distance. This is about miles that separate. About tickets and rides. This is about phone calls instead of coffee dates. This is about imagination over observation.
This is about metaphorical distance. This is about separation. Natural and forced. This is about emotional and existential gulfs. This is about the passage of time, the evolution of selves, the complication of worlds.
This is about mourning the distance, the necessary distance, in whatever form it takes, that manifests as we get older and start leading our own lives. And welcoming new ones. Distance from people we love, and places we love. Distance from childhood. From the way things once were. From who we once were.
N – I am not sure you will read this, but if you do, please know that I am thinking about you and that I cannot wait for your call. Please know that even though I am not very good at expressing it sometimes, I miss you. I wish we were there with you, or that you were here with us. Especially now. I can’t wait to come see you, and him. I can’t wait for the distance to fade, to give you a hug, and to toast the expansion of this wild and woolly family of ours. I love you.
_____________________________________
Are you distant – physically or emotionally – from your family of origin or others you love? If so, how do you deal with this distance? Any seasoned advice about surviving life with three kids?
***On Friday, I wrote a post bemoaning my family’s latest tumble into sickness and asking you to leave a comment to help Haiti. I am thrilled and touched to announce that 148 comments were left, raising a total of $296 for the Red Cross. I announced on Twitter yesterday that if I received 150 comments ($300), I would double my donation. Well, this is my blog and I am going to round 148 to 150. I will donate $600 today. Thank you for your words and support. Oh, and we are all feeling much better. For now, at least!***
“this is about imagination, not observation” – lovely.
I live far from my sister, too, and it’s something that makes me sad – mostly, for me, that our children can’t grow up knowing each other with the everyday intimacy that geographic proximity affords.
These days, I only find it frustrating when my friends and family live close by because I feel like I never get out to see them!
I do wish my brother was closer so our kids could grow up together but the distance also adds an element of “special” when they are together too.
Thank you for the huge donation for Haiti Aidan! And I’m glad you’re all feeling better.
Distance from family is always significant. Sometimes necessary, often painful. On the other hand a close proximity is also sometimes necessary, often painful.
*blink*
I think what I’m saying is I’m stuck in a loop.
80% of your sisters? I’m glad you were so exact. I WAS wondering…
Mo, thanks for alerting me to the deficiencies in my quantitative skills. Three of my four sisters live close to me which is 75%. Off to edit my post. Indeed I am a fan of exactitude. And of getting things right
Distance stinks and I think when your siblings have children it makes it even worse. I hate knowing that N&C’s children may not be as close to their cousins as my sister’s kids. On the other hand I feel like when we are all together we have more “quality” time because we know it doesn’t happen all that often.
aidan, i’ve missed you. haven’t been by (any blogs) in a while. enjoyed this. first to have three or mixed genders, huh? (sorry, couldn’t resist)
interesting question you pose…not sure if we’re qualified to answer. right now, it’s hard to be about anything other than our nuclear family. i do think, though, that my wife and i both probably don’t identify with our old family as much as it sounds like you do. both are dysfunctional beyond what one would consider “normal,” one of them complete w/ lawsuits over inheritance, etc…
sounds like you have a good family. lovie and i both are trying to “break the chain.” i think we’re doing it. why? so that, perhaps, our children will lovingly identify with our family when they are adults as much as you seem to.
With all of the means of communication that current technology affords us, it’s easy to slip into the mindset that physical distance is insignificant. And it certainly can be overcome to an extent. But no number of e-mails or phone calls can truly take the place of sitting in your sister’s (or brother’s or friend’s) home, sharing a coffee or a meal, chasing each other’s kids, and really communing in your shared lives.
My family is also far away. We do our best to stay close in spite of it – and most days we succeed. But sometimes it’s an awfully big challenge.
This certainly strikes a chord with me. I live in the Northwest, while my family is firmly planted in the Midwest. And I miss them like hell. I’ve never felt so far away from them as when my nephew was born a little over a year ago. It absolutely killed me to be so far away from my sister. We can bridge distance in so many ways these days, but Gale is right in her comment–it’s never the same as an in-person hug, or a face-to-face conversation. My best wishes for the birth of your nephew, and I hope you get to hop on that plane soon.
I have not spoken to my sister in 7 years and have not seen her for 10. There are good reasons for this. Still, it is a decision that weighs on me every day; at what point do you abandon a sinking ship because there’s just no fixing it?
My parents live an hour away, which is great. Although Mama still thinks it’s too far away
A timely post for me, having just spent a week with my parents and brothers and now being back at home, hundreds of miles – and a few months – away from them. I have reached a stage in my life where most of the people I consider my best friends and closest relations live too far away to see daily. And I’m not sure how I feel about that. One thing I do know is that I wish my sons had the chance to get to know their extended family within the flow of their daily lives. (Visits and vacations are always loaded with logistical oddities.)
The emotional distances are the toughest, I think.
Glad that you all are feeling better, and how generous you are to make such a wonderful donation!
I live outside of Philly and my three sisters, their kids, and my parents all live in the Denver metro area. It’s tough, but I visit often. We are very close emotionally and stay in frequent communication, but a phone call will never be a hug.
And, thanks for your generous donation to the people of Haiti. Together, we can make a difference.
Surviving life with three kids? It’s the best! I have four (sons, in fact), and can’t imagine it any other way. It’s been great for my kids as well. They’ve learned how to share, put sibling first (sometimes), and they’re NOT the center of attention. My blog talks out feeling outnumbered — go see!
And that physical distance? It’s hard. But keeping in touch is easy, and I’m sure your sister knows your heart. I’ll be back — I want to hear about that boy!
Laura – Welcome to ILI! I will certainly check out your blog and I hope my readers do too. (And I might just have to ask your advice about how to convince Husband to agree to four kids. No, we don’t even have three yet, but I like to dream big!)
As one of five sisters, I totally agree about the not being the center of attention thing. I think this is a really good thing. I have always been surrounded by bright and fun comrades (my sisters) who got just as much attention as I did.
I do hope you come back to read my words and hear about the latest addition to our extended family!
It is like a necessary evil to be far away from the fam. I for one like it but sometimes I would like to see them. We live in the same borough too! The possibilities never end..
Candace – Welcome to the comment box! I think the concept of a “necessary evil” is very intriguing. I think I will write about this at some point. It’s interesting because I wrote this post bemoaning the relative distance between myself and my sister and it didn’t even occur to me that there can sometimes be a devastation inherent in being too close too. Thanks for your comment!
This is a funny coincidence… my sister N is pregnant with boy, too, right now (and she has a little girl already) and we’re 6000 miles apart (I live in CA, she lives in Europe with the rest of my family). It’s hard to be so far away – every day.
We have video chats once a week and we talk on the phone virtually every day – I don’t know how else to survive the distance.
San – Welcome to ILI! A coincidence indeed! I do think that technology has the ability to take the sting out of physical distance, but I don’t think anything will ever hold a candle to actual proximity. I hope that your sister is doing well! Thanks for your comment
Distance…
I’ve been in a wonderful long distance relationship for over 8 months now. I’d love to use some eloquent words to describe how good it is some days and how, on other days, it flat out sucks.
That’s all I can say right now. Because its one of those “other days.”
Wishing your sister good luck and good health!
One of my sisters lives on the East Coast. The rest of us stayed where it is warm and sunny. She moved out there 17 years ago and I am still not completely used to it.
I have a niece and nephews that I see regularly, but not with the consistency that I’d like. My sister has a life that exists entirely without me and that is ok, but strange.
She is younger than I am so she spent a large part of her life being Jack’s little sister. Now when I visit I am referred to her as her brother. Kind of a change.
Our kids love each other and are very close so sometimes I am saddened to see things like they. But this is how it goes sometimes so we do what we can.
Certainly in the Facebook/Blogs/Twitter age distance is not what it once was.
I really needed to read this right now. Thank you. My immediate family is in town at the moment, here for me, to be at my staged reading tonight. They normally live in Virginia. I’ve been fretting over the ‘monkey wrench’ feeling, entertaining out of town guests while trying to accomplish a major task… I am so blessed to have them here. They came all this way just for me. Thanks for helping me to get some perspective!
Hi Aidan,
We actually met at our friend’s New York wedding in October of 2008. You were M’s Maid of Honor and were due in just a couple of weeks with your second little girl. I was 15 weeks pregnant with Baby Boy #2. Here we both are with a toddler and infant of the same gender.
Anyhow, lovely to see you. Congratulations.
This post hit very close to home for me. My husband and two little boys live in Colorado, but our families are dotted all over the map. My dear sister lives in California, my parents in New England, and my husband’s entire family in S. Africa (who have yet to meet either one of our boys). It’s so hard, every day, to live so far from everyone. Not just for the company, comfort and familiarity you find in your family, but more so because the boys are changing at such a drastic pace that I feel like every time we all get together they are completely different little people. It’s hard.
You are very much right in that it IS about family. As much as I am a wife and a mother, I am a sister and daughter who misses, tremendously, being able to just hop in a car and have coffee with my Sister and Mom or go for a walk with my Dad. Distance is one of the more painful things I’ve had to experience.
Thank you for your blog and good luck to your sister. Oh, and have fun with your nephew – boys are awesome!
Cari – hello and welcome! I DO remember meeting you at M’s wedding! Did we meet on line for the fancy portable toilets (sorry if this is too much information for my readers!) I remember our conversation distinctly. I remember how huge I was. Baby arrived less than two weeks later!
I am glad this post resonated with you. Distance is so difficult, but also so common I am realizing. I hope that you and your family are doing well and I hope you continue to pop by my neck of the bloggy woods! I will certainly tell M that we had a little reunion here. Or maybe she will see this exchange before I get a chance to tell her. Thanks for your comment!
My parents moved to Florida shortly after I got married, for my father’s work. And it kills me. It kills me that they’re so far away from us, the grandkids, everything. But it’s necessary for them right now, so we deal. I wrote a post about it over Christmas at some point because it was eating me up.
In any case, I’m thinking of your sister, and hope you get out there to see the newest addition to the family!
My husband and I live away from both our families. We live only a state or two apart, yet the distance gets to be bothersome.
It is especially difficult during times when I am struggling. Pregnancies, post-partum baby blues, and other times when I really just want my sister or my mom.
I can feel your pain. It makes my eyes water just thinking about it.
Congratulations to your sister!
I’m the oldest of six. I know shocker. Quite a few people assume I’m an only child as I never talk about my siblings.
Let’s just say I left home at 16 for a reason. That reason in the end ultimately put things into play that would protect my 3 sisters and 2 brothers. They never knew why or the sacrifice I made to protect them. And they never will…
I’ve come to accept one person having to live with the truth is a small price than damaging five lives. In the end I’m left with no family and 5 siblings who are strangers. Some people would say, time and age should even the balance and why not tell them now that they are adults? I can’t answer that. I guess keeping this secret from them never brought into play the cost to me. All I ever saw was 5 lives I held with more esteem and cherished more than my own. They don’t need to know and I don’t need to give them a savior for a sister.
Do I miss them and that bond we used to have (I practically raised them before leaving home). Yeah, but it’s been so long – 28 years. We are but strangers now. (Hugs)Indigo
Aidan, have you tried Skype? I was quite the skeptic too, but with sis, also preggers in Boston, and mom in DC and after much cajoling by sis I tried it…And I have to say it’s really really really cool. It’s not the same, but it’s so much nicer to see a face with a voice…and my sister and I each get to watch our respective nieces who aren’t so great on the phone yet. You should totally try it…or better yet, why don’t you guys just come back to Chicago!!! We’d love to see you again soon