Walk Away
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Living life entails walking away from things. Each and every one of us has left something or someone behind. Sometimes, these departures are heart-breaking. Sometimes, these departures are liberating. Very often, these departures are more cloudy in character and fall somewhere in between.
How do we know when to walk away? How do we know when it is the right time to leave a lover? A job? A city? A marriage? A belief? We have no glittering crystal ball to tell us when the path is clear and the destination is good. We have no expert to hold a hand and tell us that we will be okay, that we will feel okay. We have no guarantee that we can go back. Can we ever really go back?
Walking away = walking toward. We tend to see the loss before the gain. What if we realized that every time we walked away from something we were walking toward something else? Something different. New. Potentially great. What if we trained our minds to view walking away as evidence of power and agency rather than of weakness and flaws? What if we came to see this forward thrust, however blind, as ownership rather than escape?
When is walking away foolish? It is not always good to walk, to flee, to depart. Often, we walk out of fear or confusion or anger. Often, we walk for the simple breeze of motion, to snap threads of commitment, to live change.
Vernon Howard said, “Our freedom can be measured by the number of things we can walk away from.” Like it or not, we are free beings. More or less. At least in this respect. We are surrounded by things. Things to embrace. Things to hug tight. Things to discard. Things to leave in our evolutionary wake.
One thing is clear: we cannot choose to stand perfectly still. There are things we walk away from without trying – youth, innocence, ignorance.
Knowing what we don’t want is also knowing what we do want. Abandoning is also approaching. Walking away from things – the right things – is also walking toward who we are.
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What have you walked away from in your life? Do you have regrets?
Crying because I just bid goodbye to The Cute Butt of my Youth…sob, sob, sniffle…I jest. Sort of.
You know, as I get older, I find that I can walk away from things that *no longer serve* much sooner and with less angst than I used to. I used to dig in my heels, hang onto the ledge and try to (in the words of Tim Gunn– “Make it work, people!”)
But it rarely worked. Because I was grabbing at strings that were already too fragile to begin with. I am trying so hard lately to Keep it Simple, Stupid. Strangely, as I’m doing this, I am realizing how few people in my life give back. How few people really can be counted on and give as good as they get.
Sorry, did I just hi-jack this thread? I feel like I’m at some group meeting…”Hi, I’m TKW, and at 40, I’m just learning how to manage my life…”
Anyways, interesting and thought-provoking stuff, as always.
I’m going to hitch up to TKW’s comment because I feel exactly the same way and have been going through very similar things these past few years. Maybe it’s a 40’s thing but I’ve been walking away from the things/people that don’t “give back.” I’m not looking at it in a tit-for-tat kind of way – but a “does it nurture me and help me to be a better person” kind of thing. And I’m finding I’m having to walk away from more people/things than I imagined I’d have to. And that’s been hard. BUT – it’s made me a much happier person, wife, mother, friend, in the long run and that’s hugely important to me.
Aidan – I read this yesterday and couldn’t put words to what I was thinking. Then, I came back today and TKW’s comment. She is right. Not always, but as a general rule, with age, it has become easier to let go and walk away.
I am still thinking more on this but TKW expressed what I was thinking since yesterday.
I just walked away from a pear. Took one bite, it looked so juicy and seductive but it tasted like kitchen towel. (Not that I know).
When is walking away foolish? When we walk away due to our own fickle whims rather than choosing to make something work. Success in life is so often about choice. Having said that, at times you have to walk away, make new choices, choices that are right.
My comment in your post ‘Dealing with Distance’ is appropiate here. In that case no regrets (at the time there was only one conclusion and I would of done the same thing if given the same set of circumstances). I believed I made the right decision and on some level it taught me to stand up for what was right, for myself and those I cared for. I’d like to think I was walking toward who I was meant to be.
I’ve been known to stay the course in so many things in my life…until there was no other choice but to walk away. I don’t give up easy. (Hugs)Indigo
I really am pretty much where TKW is, frankly. It’s tough to realize how few people in my life give anything worthwhile, if anything at all, back. Truly walking away and staying away is a talent, a real skill, a thing to learn and hone. It ain’t easy, but it sure is worth the effort usually.
Oh, and the lost Ass o’ My Youth…though worth hanging on to, it took its leave and seems to have stayed in the land of What Once Was Firm…sadly…
A bad relationship that I’m recalling like a mini-series in my blog over the next two weeks! Since then, it’s almost a reflex to walk away from things that aren’t making me happy. After I finally walked away someone I loved it made it much easier to walk away from unhealthy friendships, from unhealthy habits, from miserable jobs. As a result my life is full of things that make me happy and very few that don’t. It’s liberating!
hi!
thanks for the follow on twitter and your awesome comment on my blog! =)I have been meaning to come here and comment back to ya, I haven’t been at home since Saturday.
It is so hard to walk away. for me, almost impossible. I don’t where I got this habit to STAY STUCK. I am scared to death!!! I am frozen by fears…I am holding on to something I have know for almost 10 years because I don’t know what and don’t want to know what my life will be like without that. I feel as if I have just done a repeat of the same mistakes for the past like 15 years and I don’t why it is so hard to learn and move onto better. Maybe this time I will. Since I am 37, I better learn something from this.
thank you for this and I will be following.
jen
I could swim for days in these thoughts.
We cling to things that aren’t quite right because they are less frightening than the unknown. And I think this trend ties to confidence. Insecurity breeds reluctance, whereas confidence breeds courage. I think in order to find the great things on our horizons, we must first believe in ourselves enough to make those great things happen. Otherwise we sit at home playing coulda, shoulda, woulda.
I have been thinking about this all morning and I am still not quite sure how to answer it, but since I have been slacking on my commenting duties here, I wanted to respond!!
I honestly cannot recall a time where I felt that I was only walking away from something and not walking towards something. I very rarely make emotional decisions (at least when sober . . .) and usually hash out all of the pluses and minuses in my head long before I actually sit down to effect a change in my life. As a result, I usually have something I am moving towards as a result of making that change. Whether it was leaving my friends in MD to come to law school in PA where I knew no one, or quitting my job in sports to make the transition to law to decide whether I wanted to go to law school, or moving to a state far away for college because I wanted to experience new things and meet new people, etc., etc.
As I think about relationships in the past, I also have a hard time looking at the ends of them (at least when it was my choice anyway) as a walking away thing. I always felt that I had a good reason for ending a relationship and that despite how it made me feel in the immediate future, it would be better for me long-term. I think that is what you mean by walking towards something Aidan.
Now does all of this mean that I haven’t thought to myself at some point, “I wonder if that was the right decision?” Of course not, but I tend not to be a person that dwells on what could have happened and instead I focus on what is happening. I wasn’t always that way, surely, but over time have come to realize that, in order to function sanely and with happiness, that is what my perspective needs to be. I think it’s working out okay for me!
I find myself walking away from the obligatory, the expected, the ‘norm’ and spreading my wings toward new horizons, ideas and the extraordinary in the process.
At 40 it feels different to me. I haven’t any problem walking away from most things, never have. Though I hate saying goodbye, some things are easy to forget.
Three friends died last year, all 40 like myself. None of them were killed in accidents. They were all taken by one terminal illness or another.
Stuff like that makes it easier to focus on the here and now. Life experience makes it easy to intellectually understand why some changes are needed.
But sometimes there is safety in the arms of the devil you know.
I think its hard to let go or walk away sometimes. Only when it hits rock bottom or at its worse. The older you get, the more it is easier to realize when it is time to walk away compared to when you’re younger though.
It’s quite hard for me to walk away from my job right now. It pays the bills, pays more than what any other average graduate is making, and I am only committed to working 40 hours per week but is it my dream? definitely a negative.
I’m working on it. or maybe I should just take the plunge?
It can be so hard to walk away because it’s scary. Fear of the unknown. Even when something isn’t serving you, it almost seems easier to endure the pain than to walk away and into a different and new situation.
But ultimately, I think as time passes, and you learn more about yourself, walking away from things becomes easier. Because life is too short!
I can’t recall something that I have walked away from that brought any regrets. As you said, I never really walked away. I walked toward.
I walked toward being a student.
I walked toward being a wife.
I walked toward being a stay-at-home mom.
I am constantly letting things go so that I can move faster toward my goals. Whatever they might be.
I can’t even tell you how badly I needed to read this.
Thank you.
Doing some walking away right now, and even though it hurts and it’s hard, I know I’m leaving something I MUST leave and walking toward a much better me.
Ten years ago (almost to the day!), I walked away from a marriage that was, according to most, “not that bad.” I went against everything and everyone. My parents. My family. My friends. One friend told me straight out: “I can’t be your friend right now, because I can’t support this.” I walked away because I was completely drowning in this marriage. Not because of abuse, not because of violence, not because of infidelity. It was more subtle. But everyday, he tried to make me something I was not. He tried to make me quiet, and easy, and small. When I told the world I was leaving, most people had the same response: “But he’s such a nice guy.” It was the best decision I ever made in my life. I walked away then having no clue what I was walking towards, but knowing without a doubt that I did not want to stand there anymore.
it is very hard to walk away from someone…..for me. i always have the courage to do it, but it takes me a while to get that courage and make sure it’s the right thing to do. it’s so hard cause you don’t know what will come next or if it will be better for you. you have to have faith and trust that you are moving toward something better.
as semisonic once sang,
every new beginning starts with some other beginning’s end.
ah, takes me back to my youth and conjures up images of closing down bars in seattle’s freemont district.
good thing i walked away from all of that…the whole metrosexual, bar-hopping, bigger-better-faster phase. i would have never slowed down enough to find lovie!
Aidan, this is a great post.
I like your perspective on it as well. Walking away means walking toward. Beautiful.
I walked away from my last relationship. I so needed to much earlier but I needed to make that decision on my own. People ask me, because I’m a single mom, how did I know when it was time to give up on my marriage. Well, we all have a breaking point, don’t we? Mine was after lots of mistakes and then a year of barely hanging on by a thread. I know some people who could go years and years and years before they finally reach their breaking point. And still others will crack at the first red flag.
Do I regret walking away from my marriage or the next relationship? Sometimes… but I’ve noticed those regrets show up in times of fear. When I don’t know where I’m going, I want to run back. Then, I talk myself down, take a deep breath and take the next step forward.
Love this post. I also linked to you in the post I just put up tonight. Thank you for your inspiration.
Incredible post, Aidan, really lovely. I’ve walked away from so many things, sometimes regrettably later than I should have. I walked away from my job of 18 years nearly 6 years ago (Yea for 6 years!) and I walked toward a whole new future. Like Liz (who said it so perfectly) I walked away from an ex-marriage, mine 20 years ago and walked into a bright new future.
Thanks for a lovely post.
This is such a timely post for me. I just walked away from a relationship that, while I knew it wasn’t quite right for me, I couldn’t let go of out of fear. It took the fact of a terrible lie from the other party for me to finally bite the bullet and end it, and I’m still reeling from the aftershocks. I know this will be better for me in the long run, but part of me still doubts, still wonders if I could have made it work despite the deal-breaking lie.
Isn’t that crazy? The status quo, despite being familiar and comfortable, was also stress- and depression-inducing. Why should I be afraid of walking towards a time of healing and learning to treat myself better again?
Thank you – lovely. I have such a hard time seeing the thing I’m walking towards, but I utterly agree with you that there is great power in doing so. One of the reasons I’ve made the choices I’ve made in life (I see now) is because of my fervent fear of closing doors, shutting down options. If only I had been mature enough to see that actually I was also opening new ones, finding new things to walk towards.
Thank you.
Wonderful post. There are always things we must walk away from. Sometimes we don’t know it soon enough. But eventually, we realize. And are better off from having walked away.
Erin Prais Hintz has steered me very very well to this beautiful post and your insightful writing. Thank you. And thank Erin.
I actually think I’m pretty good at knowing when to leave something and go to me, job-wise, relationship-wise. However, I’m in a bit of a mini quandary these days over something related to a plan for my blog, almost too minimal to bother anyone with here in the grande scheme. But , I trust that with good intentions and love il. Come through with flying colors on it.
Thank you for your light.