I Need Your Advice
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I need your advice on something. That something? Advice. So, yes. I need your advice on advice.
I’m not sure whether you’ve noticed this, but I try not to give advice on this blog. I do not publish promising posts telling you how to streamline your soul, or declutter your existential closet, or be a perfect parent. I do not do this because I am not equipped. I am one person. One flawed individual who is fumbling and stumbling her way through life. Just like you are. (Sorry, but you are.)
So, instead of dispensing advice, I tell stories here. And ask questions. And offer tiny pieces of me.
But the other night I broke my own unwritten-and-now-written rule about not giving advice. Husband and I went out for dinner at Fulton on the Upper East (delicious) with one of my best friends and her husband. This was a real treat because my friend has an eight-month-old and does not get a sitter very often. Anyway, we went out. We ate delicious food. We laughed a ton. About life and love and little babies. I made it through most of the meal. We were eating these fabulous donuts (yum) and talking about sleep patterns. My friend told me that her little girl sleeps through the night every night. We all know this is major. I congratulated her. And then I asked if she rocks her baby to sleep. She told me she does.
This is when I looked at her and said something I perhaps shouldn’t have. “Stop doing that. Take this week and teach her to fall asleep on her own.”
I was adamant. Husband and I joke that we might not be perfect parents, but sleep is one department in which we have excelled. I have strong opinions on sleep. But ones I don’t usually preach. At a festive dinner with friends no less.
My friend didn’t seem offended. But as I write this, I wonder if she was. I hope not. I will have to call and apologize.
But is giving advice something for which we should apologize? Or is giving advice sometimes a good thing even if it is tough to hear?
A few days ago, I published a post announcing the arrival of my new nephew. I explained that as much as I would like to, I cannot just hop a plane to Chicago to meet the newest member of the Donnelley clan. Many of you chimed in, congratulating my sister and my family, echoing my praise for modern technology. But one of you didn’t play as nice. One of you, a friend of mine, pushed me to rethink my plans to stay put. You said,
At the risk of sounding pushy (oh well I’ll take the risk), I say call the airlines and jump on a plane. We all travel for funerals, travel for the celebrations too. I am a slave to technology but you can’t smell that baby in a video and they grow very fast, as you well know. Just a comment, file it where you’d like.
I read these words and I grew a bit defensive. In my mind, I started listing all the meetings and commitments I have this week. All the reasons why I can’t just go. But my defensiveness faded and quickly and I felt myself nodding. This is life. This is a big deal. The biggest of deals. I can go. I will go.
These words that popped up in my cozy little comment box? They were advice. And I didn’t necessarily want this advice. But I needed it. Thank you, Lauren, for the push. Thanks for the comment. I will file it right here.
Right now, I am signing off. I have a flight to book.
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Any advice on advice? How to give it? How to take it? Are you cautious about dispensing advice to others? Do you find it difficult to hear and heed the advice of others? Do you agree that sometimes the advice we don’t seek is the best advice of all?
i only give advice when someone asks for it. if they don’t ask for it, i give support. if i can’t give support, i stay quiet. i have found that no one really wants advice unless they chase you down and ask you for it, and even then…usually they just want their own opinions validated. rare is the exception to this, but it does happen…
I’m a big advice-giver, always have been. I blame my first-born status as the reason I feel I have worthy advice to share.
As far as going to see your new nephew, I couldn’t agree with Lauren more. I wondered why you didn’t drop everything and fly out to be with your sister and her precious little one, but I figured you had your reasons. Silly me. I should have said, “Aidan,” (cough, cough) “Why aren’t you on the plane yet?”
One of the greatest things about being human is our ability to not only transform ourselves, but to help others along their journey. Holding that new baby in your arms will be one of the greatest moments of your life, and will mean the world to your sister. Congratulations on taking the “advice.”
I detest getting unsolicited advice. Sometimes I give it. Sometimes I take it (usually not well).
But.. there are those who have something appropriate to say .. I have to learn to discern carefully.
And listen to my own advice.
When it comes to how we bring up children we have to be so careful not to offend yet it is so hard when parents you know are doing something SO PLAIN STUPID that it makes you shudder. Ah well, we’ve learned the hard way sometimes!
P.S. if you are giving lessons on streamlining souls let me know.
I’m certain your best friend wasn’t offended and still loves you.
I find advice to be annoying only in certain circumstances. When a best friend with two babies of her own offers bedtime advice, I listen. When someone with no babies and no experience with children offers advice, that’s when I cringe and get defensive!
Can I give you advice on writing a book? Hardly. But if you were looking for advice on how to travel to Detroit while listening to Justin Timberlake and eating a grilled cheese sandwich, I’d be all over that.
xox,
the mom identified by Mo as “plain stupid”
I nurse my baby to the edge of sleep every night so where does this leave me
?
I think that when advice comes from a good, well-intentioned place, as it did here, then advice should be welcomed even if it is hard to hear. Sometimes “advice” is really just a veiled insult, and that is where it gets a bad rap, in my opinion.
AGB, I am jealous she sleeps through every night! Teething has me up at 4 a lot lately
. And I think your pretty darn smart, for the record 
. Wish I could have come to dinner!
This is a thorny prickly subject for me. Why? Because I’ve volunteered in Domestic Abuse Shelters and for awhile even used to discuss my own situation freely with all the ugly details – no holds bar. I shouldn’t have been surprised to have people come out of the woodwork and start asking my advice on what to do. In some cases it was literally life and death. Talk about having that load left on your shoulders.
So I compromised, I didn’t exactly come out and say this you have to do. It was worded in such a way as – this is what “I” did, this is how “I” handled the situation. For every incident out there, there is probably a different variation of the solution. By using yourself as an example you avoid offending and help whom ever understand the choices.
And Lauren has a good head on her shoulder. She read you well. (Hugs)Indigo
I try to never give advice unless someone asks for it. Because I *hate* when people give me unsolicited advice. Especially with parenting–it’s easy to offend. But hopefully your friend wasn’t upset by it.
I suppose it depends on the topic. If we’re talking restaurants, travel, cooking, books, etc, I’m usually pretty willing to give advice. (Does “offer recommendations” sound less overbearing?) But when it comes to personal topics like parenting I’m a bit more reluctant. I have very strong opinions and I have to watch myself to keep from overdoing it. I try to couch things in “This is what worked for me” phrasing.
ooohhh, this is a tough one and i LOVE it when you challenge me with your posts. it would be dishonest of me to say that i do not give advice, because i do… that being said, i TRY not to give unsolicited advice. and i get pretty peeved when i receive unsolicited advice. my guess is that this comes from the first 6 months of jackson’s little bitty life when he was not eating and hospitalized and advice came from EVERYWHERE and EVERYONE was WRONG.
but after reading your post, it dawned on me that i kinda did the same thing you mentioned above. friends of ours are pregnant with their first and due within the next month. when the couple originally told us they were pregnant, they also mentioned investing in a really good kayak in the same conversation. it was one of those, “yeah, she’s pregnant, so we’re goina live it up while we can and get this killer kayak.” paul and i just looked at each other like “WTF?!?!” and said nothing except “congratulations.”
fast forward to two days ago on facebook, the father of said baby-to-be (that is to arrive within a month from now) writes a status update that said, “i could use a hobby, any suggestions?”
aidan, i YELLED at my computer. and then i left him a comment on his status update that said, “you’re kidding right??? please tell me you’re kidding.” and paul left him a comment as well that said, “hobby? try diaper changing.”
both of us were aghast and we probably said things we should’ve kept to ourselves. then again, he did ask for “any suggestions.”
ohmygosh, this is turning into a novel of a comment, i apologize. i guess my point is that i HATE receiving unsolicited advice, unless it comes from my mother. knowing how much i hate it, i TRY not to give it, but sometimes i fail.
i’m going to shut up now and go buy a kayak.
UGH, a kayak!?!?!?
I think, in the long run, the reason I am more likely to post opinions on issues/politics/you name it than give advice is because I don’t know anyone else’s situation. I have learned that we all live so differently that what I would do – while you may want to know – may not work in someone else’s life.
I prefer not to give advice, or to couch it in a great deal of qualification. That said, I know I do give advice, though sometimes my advice is to err on the side of caution, to do what your heart is telling you, or, in the case of hard-won wisdom, to be very explicit about certain events and precautionary measures. More “instruction” than advice. Or so I think. (And could be wrong.)
I tend to reserve most of my advice for close friends and family, but much of it depends on the issue.
On a related side note it drives me crazy when parents don’t help teach their children to sleep. I had friends who kept their kids on this regimented schedule that made everyone crazy.
The kids could only nap at such and such a time and G-d forbid that the house wasn’t silent.
i love the way you write. also, i think it depends on how the advice was given. i think the way lauren said it was fine. she told you to go and said why and it wasn’t offensive. she wasn’t pointing a finger at you. just simply stating why you should. i think when it comes to advice regarding mothering things get a little iffy. but like i said, it just all depends on how it’s given and by who, you know?
I try not to give advice. I try to go around it by saying, “I’m not you and I don’t know the exact details going on but in my experience/if this was my situation…..” but only when asked and usually after asking a lot of questions and having the other person tell the story and getting it out of their system. But I agree with the people above, things like parenting, family, relationships, anything of intimate nature is a touchy area and, in my experience I wouldn’t give advice
But then again, advice is one of those concepts that are subjective to each person. For ex, what Lauren said, I don’t think that’s advice. To me, it’s an opinion.
And I’m happy/excited for you to go visit your new nephew! I tend to be a sucker and travelled for the birth of my niece and nephew and I always go to their birthdays even though we don’t live in the same state anymore, despite my school, work, and social obligations. Family comes first in my life!
I am sure I give loads of unsolicited advice. I try not to. In fact, I am better today than yesterday. I think that unsolicited advice can be a good thing, if it is done with consideration!
Funny, I hate getting advice 90% of the time but can’t seem to keep my mouth shut when it comes to issues I am passionate about, namely in the areas of child-rearing. It really is an annoying trait of mine and I know that if I were the receiver of such unsolicited advice I may end up giving myself the finger.
As for rocking baby, I think that it is a sweet thing to share with your baby and a very personal decision. I have two wonderful sleepers, but it really comes down to what makes you happy. For some, getting baby to sleep is a difficult chore. For others, the best part of their day. To each their own.
I try not to give advice unless asked but I’m sure I fail. I really try to avoid giving parenting advice, because I found it so damn annoying when every Tom, Dick and Harry felt the need to weigh in on everything from pacis to baby wipes.
Enjoy that baby. Inhale for me.
It’s ironic, really. I read Lauren’s comment and I wanted to chime in, but felt that because I don’t know you or your circumstances that I didn’t have enough information to push you in the direction of the nearest airport. As an Auntie who has had a very close call with her precious nephew this week, I also figured I was just a tad-bit over zealous. All I can say is: I’m glad you’re booking the flight. If I could scrape the money to go to Seattle right now, and be with my sister and her son- I would do it. Life is too short.
Hugs,
Ti
I’ll gripe with friends over others’ suggestions for child-rearing and am frequently found saying “This is what I’m going to do,” and I will occasionally say mean-spirited things to my husband about how other people raise their kids or handle their relationships (I’d never say it to their faces). But for the most part, I’m pretty much “to each his own,” especially as far as parenting is concerned. Each person and their circumstances are so different that I don’t know that I can judge their situtation, which is why the militant parenting-advice givers drive me crazy (”Choosing not to breast-feed” and/or “Giving children soothers makes you a BAD MOMMY!” types).
I’m sure I give advice all the time. In fact, I seem to do it a lot in my comments on friends’ facebook posts. But usually it’s to situtations where I do have experience–a not-little sister trying to plan her college schedule for the next semester or learning to drive stick in snow, that sort of thing. And most of the time, the advice is just “Don’t stress so much about it.” How is that ever bad advice?
As for your trip–have a blast! But (no offence to Lauren) I never would have told you to go after you said you couldn’t. I mean, it’s great that you actually can, but I assume that you know your schedule/finances/priorities well enough to determine if you can go or not (not saying that a new baby isn’t a big priority, but there are other considerations as well). While you might miss the newborn smell, he’ll still be there in a couple of months when you might be better able to fit it in.
I think sometimes it’s okay to give unsolicited advice, as long as a) you provide a disclaimer beforehand (”I know you didn’t ask my opinion, and you could do what this what you wish but…”) and b) you are close enough to the person to provide advice. Advice should be given when you care enough about the person to mean well with your advice. Then, I say: if you feel strongly about it, go for it. But pick your battles. And YES, so often the unsolicited advice, the one that makes us defensive, is so often the one we most need. P.S. I thought about your comment from Laura. She’s right. 100% right. Go. Now.
Oh my goodness I was outed! Hours after I gave the “advice” I was on my way home from work and for some reason thought about my comment. I had a momentary twinge of uncertainty. It wasn’t even momentary because seconds later I felt ok with saying what I did. Maybe it’s one of the perils of giving advice all day long, I assume people want to hear it. Maybe it’s because my mother always says “don’t just travel for the funerals”. Or maybe it’s because my best friend, mother of 2, had just jumped in the car for Vermont to see her sister’s new baby after thinking she couldn’t make it happen.
Thank you for making me reconsider my advice giving. I wish I could promise I could stop…any advice?
I can’t help it. I am a good listener but yeah, I give advice. I give it in the way of demonstration, as noted above… “I did this…” or “I handled that this way…” So, hmmm… I wonder how many people I have offended.
Then again, I’m with you on the sleep thing. My nephew was always rocked to sleep. He’s now 5 and has yet to sleep on his own.
Nuff said.
I think giving advice shows that you care. It never hurts to think it over first though. Some people take advice better than others, and it might not be worth risking hurt feelings.
I think it’s great you are visiting N soon. (Congratulations, N!) I think that it’s good you didn’t immediately rush over there as it must have been overwhelming those first couple days. But I agree with Lauren that you should travel for celebrations as well as times of need.
Like several previous commenters, I generally don’t like receiving unsolicited advice, but I sometimes dole it out without thinking.
Never has so much “free wisdom” come my way than since I became a parent. I think the experience of parenthood is so important to so many people – perhaps even more so once our children have reached a certain age or passed a certain milestone? – that we spew out everything we’ve learned, whether or not that experience is relevant to anyone else. A form of pride? A matter of self-justification?
Enjoy that tiny baby.
I’m a new reader here and have to say, I love your writing and can’t wait to read your book! About advice, I am generally cautious about giving advice to others, and if I do, I tend to give it in the form of a suggestion or else limit it to things that have worked for me. Ironically, on the topic of getting babies to sleep-I am actually looking for some advice….my daughter is 7 months old and so far I’ve been nursing her to sleep. She still doesn’t sleep through the night and it’s starting to make me miserable. When you said “take this week and teach her to fall asleep on her own” — can you elaborate? I know this can be controversial, but which method would you recommend? I will be so grateful!
Thanks.
Kathi – Welcome to ILI! I am so thrilled that you have enjoyed what you have read here and I can’t wait for you to read LIFE AFTER YES either! I am sorry that your little one is not sleeping as well as you would like. I will rethink this no advice thing because I do have some pearls of wisdom stored away… Stay tuned!
I may be to only one – but I actully like advice. I have by no way figured out this thing called life and value others input, I do take it with a grain of salt, but I think people have wisdom to give.
On the sleep topic – my daughter was a terrible newborn sleeper, she had to be swaddled and swayed, shooshed (sp?) and I did just about anything to get some sleep. She is now 19 months and still likes to have a small time just to rock with her music on but she falls asleep on her own in her crib. I would love to know how to get newborns to sleep more easily – bring on the advice!!!
I nurse my baby to the edge of sleep every night so where does this leave me
?
I think that when advice comes from a good, well-intentioned place, as it did here, then advice should be welcomed even if it is hard to hear. Sometimes “advice” is really just a veiled insult, and that is where it gets a bad rap, in my opinion.
AGB, I am jealous she sleeps through every night! Teething has me up at 4 a lot lately
. And I think your pretty darn smart, for the record 
. Wish I could have come to dinner!
When it comes to babies and sleep, I say NEVER give advice. Because it’s such an individual thing, and people feel so strongly about it. If their baby is sleeping through the night, who cares how she does it?
I have horrible sleepers and I’ve wanted to slap people in the face for giving me advice… when we’ve tried everything and then some
But that’s my advice, on not giving advice…
Things I give advice on: (1) restaurants (because people ALWAYS ask) and (2) animals (because I’d rather have someone miffed at me than hurt or endanger an animal).
Otherwise, unless asked, it’s highly unlikely that I will offer advice. It’s probably because, as many before me have said, unsolicited advice makes a lot of people bristle. And, as someone else mentioned, too often it is criticism or an insult couched as advice. I am also well aware that even if someone does ask for advice, they probably just want you to agree with the way they have or are planning to do something. With that in mind, I also tend to phrase my advice in a way that is “I” did this, or this is how “I” would do it. People tend to get defensive when you phrase things as “you should” or “that’s not how I would do it.” You can really say the same thing, just in a more appealing way. Whether or not anyone will listen to you remains to be seen, but when asked, I tend to answer.
As to my reaction to Lauren’s advice to go now. While I’m glad it worked and didn’t offend you, it would have probably rubbed me the wrong way exactly for the reason someone stated above — the presumption that someone else can evaluate my life more accurately than I can. Certainly this is often the case, as it is easier to be objective from the oustide looking in. Perhaps on a different subject I wouldn’t have gotten miffed, but on the drop everything and travel advice, I would have. But that’s me personally, and everyone is different
Ok, I am by no stretch of the imagination a perfect parent, but in the sleep department? I’m pretty close.
I totally agree that is one thing my husband and I did extremely well…not sure if its genetics, the environment or the “cry it out method” but it worked for both of our kids, AMAZING sleepers.
As for advice? I try not to give it unless I am asked. Although my mother never followed that rule with me. She’s the one person who ALWAYS gives advice, even when it’s not really wanted.
I definitely do not give unsolicited advice. I wait for a cue that the person is looking for advice before I give it. But when I get that cue, I can let it flow! I ask for advice A LOT so Im open to receiving it but if I don’t ask… I definitely don’t want it. And I sometimes cut people off by saying I am not looking for advice. I sometimes just like to vent without hearing what I should do about it.
Anyway – I’m glad you’re going to visit your new little guy. Enjoy him!
There are different levels of advice. I love people telling me what worked for them, I can often adapt it to work for me. I hate people telling me there is only one true and holy way to do something and if I don’t do it that way I am WRONG.
I tend to get asked advice a lot about parenting. But usually what they really want to hear is that their struggle with their kids is not unique, that other parents & kids have survived the same problems.
One thing I have always hated is when parents of older children talk down to me, no matter what the age, like “Wait till they’re teenagers – you haven’t seen anything yet.” Like this gloom and doom about what’s around the corner. I’ve always been very careful never to do that and still don’t, as the parent of a teenager! I also am convinced that parenting is a series of doing everything wrong and through trial and error finding out what’s right. Really.
I have heard that unsolicited advice is just another word for criticism. Yet sometimes don’t we all need someone to point out our own errors or fallacies to us? Do we all keep a polite distance and never challenge each other? Really an interesting question here, Aidan!
Unsolicited advice might be tough, but often comes at the right time. I am sure your friend will eventually thank you for giving her this advice, because she surely doesn’t want to deal with a 3-year-old throwing a tantrum because “of all a sudden” she doesn’t want to rock him to sleep anymore!
I am reluctant to give unsolicited advice and sometimes balk at handing it over when it’s requested, but somehow neither concern seems to stop me in the end. Lauren is right, though, and her advice is good, so there ya go. Well, that was easy.
And your advice to your friend was very good information for her to have. If she’s your friend, she understands from whence it came.
Have a wonderful trip, Aidan! And yay for you, Lauren. Don’t rethink the advice giving thing–and that’s my advice…!
It’s a funny thing, advice. If it works, great. If it’s something someone wants to hear, and it works, even better.
If not…well. Not good for anyone.
I’ve found that the thicker my streak of white at my temple and the more kids I have, the more likely someone is to ask me, “What would you do? What do you think?”
And so I have developed two hard and fast rules for this tricky thing called advice.
1. I will tell you what I think, not what you want to hear.
2. I will not tell you what I think unless you *ask* me to, and then, see Rule #1.
With your friend, I guess I would have slyly given advice without actually doing it. Like, “Oh, I loved rocking my babies, but I made myself put them in their crib when they started to nod off. Otherwise, I would hold them forever and they’d never learn to sleep on their own.”
Advice without being advice. Like putting out a cheese plate for your friend to just take the variety she likes, and leave the rest.