If not…well. Not good for anyone.

I’ve found that the thicker my streak of white at my temple and the more kids I have, the more likely someone is to ask me, “What would you do? What do you think?”

And so I have developed two hard and fast rules for this tricky thing called advice.

1. I will tell you what I think, not what you want to hear.
2. I will not tell you what I think unless you *ask* me to, and then, see Rule #1.

With your friend, I guess I would have slyly given advice without actually doing it. Like, “Oh, I loved rocking my babies, but I made myself put them in their crib when they started to nod off. Otherwise, I would hold them forever and they’d never learn to sleep on their own.”

Advice without being advice. Like putting out a cheese plate for your friend to just take the variety she likes, and leave the rest.

And your advice to your friend was very good information for her to have. If she’s your friend, she understands from whence it came.

Have a wonderful trip, Aidan! And yay for you, Lauren. Don’t rethink the advice giving thing–and that’s my advice…!

I have heard that unsolicited advice is just another word for criticism. Yet sometimes don’t we all need someone to point out our own errors or fallacies to us? Do we all keep a polite distance and never challenge each other? Really an interesting question here, Aidan!

I tend to get asked advice a lot about parenting. But usually what they really want to hear is that their struggle with their kids is not unique, that other parents & kids have survived the same problems.

Anyway – I’m glad you’re going to visit your new little guy. Enjoy him!

As for advice? I try not to give it unless I am asked. Although my mother never followed that rule with me. She’s the one person who ALWAYS gives advice, even when it’s not really wanted.

Otherwise, unless asked, it’s highly unlikely that I will offer advice. It’s probably because, as many before me have said, unsolicited advice makes a lot of people bristle. And, as someone else mentioned, too often it is criticism or an insult couched as advice. I am also well aware that even if someone does ask for advice, they probably just want you to agree with the way they have or are planning to do something. With that in mind, I also tend to phrase my advice in a way that is “I” did this, or this is how “I” would do it. People tend to get defensive when you phrase things as “you should” or “that’s not how I would do it.” You can really say the same thing, just in a more appealing way. Whether or not anyone will listen to you remains to be seen, but when asked, I tend to answer.

As to my reaction to Lauren’s advice to go now. While I’m glad it worked and didn’t offend you, it would have probably rubbed me the wrong way exactly for the reason someone stated above — the presumption that someone else can evaluate my life more accurately than I can. Certainly this is often the case, as it is easier to be objective from the oustide looking in. Perhaps on a different subject I wouldn’t have gotten miffed, but on the drop everything and travel advice, I would have. But that’s me personally, and everyone is different