Icing & Insecurities
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Where to begin? How about unsweetened honesty? That seems a good place to start.
I’m having a hard time. And I know ‘hard time’ is so very vague, frustratingly vague, so I will qualify. Recently, I have been feeling a profound, almost crippling tension, between career (book/blog) and family. And I’m not sure why. It could be that LIFE AFTER YES is hitting shelves soon and this writing experience is going from intensely private to incredibly public very quickly. It could be that my girls are getting bigger and are beginning to articulate their sorrow about my frequent absence. It could be that I am coming off a long stint of denial about losing Dad and that I am finally, finally grieving and feeling an urge to shrink back into the nest.
It could be any of these things. Or all of them.
I don’t know. What I do know is that I left the law firm for a reason. And that reason was overwhelming and amorphous and only became clear over time. And, now, with the fine benefit of that thing called hindsight, I can see why I walked away. I walked away because that world and that job were sucking energy and joy from me. I walked away because I was stressed out too often. Because I was not happy as much as I thought I should be.
But now? Now I am doing what I love. Writing is my thing. My passion, I dare say. And yet. On many days, I feel stressed, deeply stressed, and not as happy as I should be. I hate to say this, but recently I feel just as I did as when I was a little pinstriped diva in Midtown.
This is not good.
I don’t know what to make of this, but, hey, I make something of everything, so I will not shrink from this challenge. And a challenge, it is. How can it be that doing the thing I absolutely love doing is not making me blissfully happy all the time? How can this possibly be?
I don’t know. But it’s high time to guess. I think it’s time to be honest. Blisteringly honest.
This blog thing? It’s tricky. I have fallen head over heels in love with this world. It was love at first byte. (Hee.) But. Here I am, almost a year later, and I am having reservations and hesitations. Blogging does not always make me happy. Many, many days, most days, it absolutely does. But some days? Some days are soggy. Some days, I post a vulnerable post and I angst over it. And then I wait for the comments to come. And sometimes, they don’t. And I get sad. And insecure. And then I promptly determine that my writing is terrible and I have said something awfully inappropriate and that no one loves me. I actually think these things. I do.
And then? Some days, life kicks my butt. And I have zero time. Zero time to visit my favorite blogs. Zero time to leave comments on my friends’ thoughtful posts. And not being able to do these things? It makes me feel sad. And guilty. And inadequate. And you know what? I am a mom. I feel plenty of guilt and inadequacy on a daily basis. I really don’t need more of these things.
So. The truth is this lovely little blog is adding somewhat to my existential unrest. And I will keep up with it because I love it like a daughter and it is my creation and I believe, and deeply, that it is doing wonderful things for me and for my writing. But that doesn’t mean it’s not hard. Because it is. It is.
Where ever am I going? Where ever am I taking you on this fungible Friday in February?
Right here. My family is my sustenance. My cake. And my writing? My career? It is important. But it is my icing. I will only taste it and tolerate it and consume its existential calories if it is yummy and sweet. If it makes me smile far more often than it makes me sulk. I will only write here or elsewhere if it adds to my experience of life. If it detracts, if it depresses, then I’m out. It’s that simple.
So where does that leave us?
Right here. I am going to make this place, this blog, fun for me. I am going to write about things that mean something, about ideas that consume me, about the silliness that peppers my parenting days. I am going to stop setting expectations and announcing them. I am going to write what I want when I want. On weekdays. On weekends. Whenever I can and want to. I am going to (try to) stop counting comments as evidence of my worth and start reading them as fabulous fragments of a conversation that I have started! If one of you raises a hand, I will call on you and I will listen to every turn of phrase, and swallow every ounce of inquiry. If one hundred of you swoon for my attention, groovy. It will be a good discussion then.
Conversation. Yes, I promised to tell you about conversations, actual conversations. I know. And I will. But this is a good time to buck my expectations and implore you to wait. I am confident that you do not care as much about my word as I do. Conversation? This is it. This is me. This is the thing that makes me giddy and gives me goosebumps.
Conversation is my icing. This blog is a conversation. LIFE AFTER YES is a conversation. My life is a conversation.
And so. One more time. And with gusto: Where does this leave us?
Right here. I am going to stop letting this blog add to my insecurities. I already have plenty. I am going to make this a fun and philosophical haven. A joint for anyone who is up for big questions and good conversations. And, in this renewed spirit of Ivy League Insecurities, I am going to try to answer every single comment that is left on this blog on this blog.
Every single one.
A silly goal? Perhaps. A foolish quasi-promise? Probably. But if you are here, reading my words, and taking precious moments from your own good and complicated life to leave your own, then you deserve it. Not only do you deserve it, but I deserve it! I am not interested in monologues. I want to start, and then participate in, conversations.
So. If you ask, I will do my best to answer. If you say something, I will make an effort to say something back. And then, if you are a blogger, I will come visit your blog when I get a minute. And if you are not a blogger, I will email you when I get a minute to say thank you and hello. It might not be that minute. Or that day. But I will. Because I want to.
Wait. Hold up.
Aren’t I just announcing another expectation? Aren’t I just making another rule for myself?
You bet. I never learn my lesson. Never.
Here’s what I think: There is nothing more lonely than speaking words, and spilling guts and being met with silence. Believe me. I know. So, I intend to do my best to keep the silence at a minimum.
Welcome to the conversation, friends. Once again.
Let’s have fun.
Let’s be who it is we are. Real. Raw. Delicious.
Let’s be icing.
__________________________________
Fellow bloggers – do you have moments when you are disenchanted with blogging too? When you find yourself unduly obsessed with traffic, and comments, and feel stretched? Have you left comments on this blog or on others and heard nothing back? How do you ensure that blogging is fun for you, that it is your proverbial icing on life’s cake? Non-bloggers – I am confident that this post speaks to you as well. How do maximize the enjoyability of your profession or passion? Do you think that I am being idealistic? Should I just acknowledge the fact that nothing can be fun and anxiety-free all the time?
(Happy Valentine’s Day!)
Let me say first that even when I don’t leave a comment, I am reading. And I am enjoying. The most common reason I don’t leave a comment is that I am crazy busy and it is a topic that either will take me a long time to formulate a thoughtful response to, or one that I don’t, at that particular moment, have a lot to say about. But I’m still here reading and I would be sad if you stopped writing.
Now, on to today’s topic before I settle in to work. I believe that nothing can be fun and anxiety-free all the time. You absolutely adore being a mother, right? But, as you have expressed, there are times that it’s not all fun and games, right? That doesn’t mean that you don’t want to do it though, right? I look at it as a ying-yang thing. The fun parts of whatever it is that we do, parenting, working, etc., help to get us through the stressful parts. I am thinking of Gretchen’s book now (which I am slowly getting through) and if I recall correctly, she writes about how it is okay to try to make yourself happier even when things are “good” so that you can remember what it’s like when things are “bad.” I think the same philosophy applies here.
When you are stressed out in parenting, your writing obligations, what have you, remember the joy and happiness that those things bring you at other times. Use those happy times to get you through the stressful times because you know darn well those happy times will come again.
In the last several months I have adopted a no one or thing can make me feel something I don’t want to or let myself feel. Once you practice this “mantra,” it becomes extremely freeing. Take yesterday for example, I got off a conference call which loaded me up with an unexpected, unbillable project which I don’t really have time for. A year ago, I would have felt extremely overwhelmed, stressed, paniced and I would have popped an Ativan immediately. Instead, yesterday, I felt the overwhelming feeling surge up and I said, self, stop that. It will get done, you will find a way because you always do, there is no need to be overwhelmed, it is what it is, move on. And you know what, I did. The feeling passed, I went back to what I was doing and reorganized the rest of the week in my head and I was fine. Of course the ability to do this has taken lots of practice and am I perfect at it? Of course not. But the more I repeat it to myself and the more I force myself to practice it, the better I am at and the less things and people have the ability to unnerve me. It’s quite calming.
ANYWAY, I have no idea if that was helpful or even addressed your questions, but I think you have to always remember the good stuff and remember that the bad stuff will pass. It always does and it always will. I think your decision to do something to the extent that the good outweighs the bad is a good one. For those who don’t have that option, I think my strategy would work well.
Niki – This comment is stuffed with so much thought and detail and for that, I thank you. When I am having a yucky blogging day, I do think of all of the days that I love doing it and that helps immensely. Same with parenting. Some days just kill me, but even in the midst of those days, I love being a mom. I guess it’s just that I started blogging without giving it too much thought. I was curious and intrigued. But I had no idea what a purchase this blog and all of you would have on me and my life. And the fact that it has evolved so, and come to mean a lot to me? It’s amazing. But because it means so much to me, it makes me worry from time to time. I have said this before (I think I say this in LAY actually), but I think you doubt the things you love most. If you don’t really care about something, it doesn’t tend to cause much angst. So it is a double edged sword, isn’t it? I love this place, but like a crazy toddler, it causes me anxiety from time to time and I wonder if I am being a good parent.
I so appreciate you reading and leaving very thoughtful comments when you have the time and are so inclined. And your mantra? Pretty wonderful.
Good for you Aidan!
I go through phases with blogging. I love it, it’s for me, it’s my outlet, but when my head gets a little too big I tend to come crashing down at times (if that makes any sense… especially since I’m a relatively small time blogger…)
But it’s still something I come to when there are quiet moments, because I like bloggers. I can connect with them in ways I could never imagine. We get each other, and this crazy thing called blogging. That’s what keeps me coming back.
Corinne – I think so much of this is about getting a big head from time to time, about fashioning utterly unrealistic expectations, about living by that questionable principle that more is always better. I think that I need to sometimes take a step back and realize why I am doing this – because I love to write, to ask questions, to record stories, and to connect with other bloggers and thinkers like you. And blogging? It is a crazy thing. I feel like I could write a whole blog about blogging!
*sending you a virtual hug*
this is when i find myself EXTREMELY grateful that i am not tech savvy. my webmaster does what i call “all the pretties,” keeps track of stats, closes comments when needed, etc.
i just write words.
and i told him that from the very start. he is in charge of “all the pretties,” the bottle of the week button, the stamp that is now on all my photographs that i post, any coding, etc.
i just write words.
and because of that, i’m divorced (purposely) from the world of stats and comments and SEO stuff and wondering who is reading what on my website.
it’s nice. and it works for me.
this means that i can ignore a lot of the “stuff,” and just do my own stuff. this also means that i get occasional emails from readers asking about design-related stuff that i have no clue how to respond to.
i guess what i’m saying is, in my opinion (which doesn’t mean shit) is that sounds as though you could benefit from setting some boundaries for yourself.
there is such beauty in your candor of this post. and it’s not easy to admit when one is “not well.” i am well-versed in that and working an a post about my updated “wellness.”
i did not learn about boundary setting until i worked nonprofit as a rape victim advocate. being in a line of work that is so intimately personal is a scary place to be because it’s very easy for any boundaries you may have had set in place to dissipate entirely and vanish.
i’m learning, even at this very moment, that this boundary setting also applies to blogging. a lot of us have our blogs as some sort of release or safe haven, where we can pose universal questions to the world wide web, discuss things that may be too hard to discuss with someone face-to-face… and then wait. for a response, a comment, and email, a tweet. wait for some sort of recognition that we have been recognized.
(crap, i’m writing another novel of a comment.)
you know where i’m going with this… ultimately you will find what works for you, and it is at times when we are struggling with whatever life has handed us, that what works for you may possibly become clear and reveal itself to you.
and boundary setting helps… at least for me.
you’re in my thoughts.
Nic – Yes, I imagine so much of this is about boundaries. And that is hard because I don’t think any of us will ever understand what the right boundaries are for the things we do. I think there is something unique about blogging, but I also think this is the old school writer’s dilemma as well. We write words, we pour heart and thought into them, and we want them to be heard and considered. I think the blog aspect shrouds this perennial dilemma in a level of immediacy that is at once amazing and problematic.
I do think it is great that you are able to divorce yourself from the numbers, from the “pretties” as you say. I think there is something very healthy and prudent about this approach. For better or worse, I am a wee bit of a control freak and like to have my hand in these aspects as well. Which is not to say I do everything! I have a fabulous web designer who has given this hub its aesthetic and technical integrity.
I like the comments and traffic and everything, but find that I am content with my blog the size it is. I blog because I find the writing cathartic. I don’t obligate myself to write everyday and I write what I feel like writing. I am most interested in conversations and relationships, so I am more likely to choose to read blogs that I feel make me think or are interested in conversations, too (if they do both I will be a loyal reader forever).
If I am feeling overly anxious about blogging or life is too busy, I just leave it on hold for a while. I see it as a way to enhance my life and if that isn’t what it is doing, then I change it so it is.
Charlotte – I think your attitude toward blogging is enviable and kind of hope it is contagious through the screen. Frankly, this is the attitude I hoped I would come to adopt, namely that my blog be a fun repository of stories and memories and a place for me to write cathartically and creatively. I sincerely hope that I can talk myself into this attitude and embrace the option of stepping away for a bit from time to time when life gets busy or complicated.
I have so many soggy days on my blog. I also fret over my vulnerable posts and often delete them. You should feel comfort in the fact that you are not alone at least in that.
I find the raw and honest blogs are the ones I am drawn too and people tell me this too, but I do understand the need to wanna hold back. In reading this I want to tell you not to hold back, because it is in the sharing that we find we are not alone. But I understand. Some days I don’t care, some days I get to the point of wanting to delete my blog.
I guess, write what you can when you can, maybe we shouldn’t care so much about what it all means and just do it. ya know?
no pressure, no expectations, just be
Jen – Very good to know that I am not alone in having a sprinkling of soggy days (is that a mixed metaphor? Debatable.) In all honesty, it would be so fantastic if we could “just do it” (favorite quote of all time), if we could just hurl ourselves into the things we love and not care about the response. But I am not sure how possible that is. We humans are wired to seek approval and praise. Or, at least this human is. For me, the issue is when I start to care too much, when the expectations start to weigh me down in such a weigh that I feel distracted from areas of my life which matter a lot to me. And I am with you in terms of selecting blogs to read. I like when people are honest and cautiously provide windows into uncertainty and struggle. For me, that is what makes us real.
I have been seeking approval my whole life, I am so sick of it, ya know? for me to just be, is very hard, but I AM working on it ….sometimes Just Do It does work. And it is amazing after it is done, how great I feel and how little I care about they think.
Like Niki, I believe that nothing can be fun and anxiety free all the time but most of the time is good to aim for on that level.
I love to blog but have been doing it a lot longer than you have. I want to get back to my blogging about things other than personal items – politics, local events and news, etc – but I realize you all, the readers, don’t really care about those usually. I care about them so I write about them.
I never use to look at my blog stats til a friend started me looking. Now I am not sure that is a good thing. I am hoping to get back to my “I never look” attitude.
Blog when you want, Aidan, without obligation!
Nicki – I hope that you go back to blogging about the things that really interest you. I am confident that we will all be intrigued as well. And, yes, the “never look” attitude… If only. I actually didn’t check stats at all when I took some time off over the holidays and it was incredibly liberating. I don’t check everyday, but do more often than I should.
This an incredibly timely post for me as I am brand-spanking-new to this blogging world. I have just recently discovered your blog, Aidan, and now it is one of the first things I pull up when I get into work in the morning. I have felt inspired to ask tough questions, delve just a little deeper into the intricacities of life. With all of these ideas buzzing in my mind with nowhere to go, I am considering starting my own blog. I have a list of topics I want to explore in my blog if it ever comes to fruition. This huge time constraint called working-full-time-and-being-mommy-to-two has kept me from doing it, but there is also the fear that it won’t be any good and no one will want to read it. Embarassingly, I feel a little bit like I am back in high school longing to be part of the cool clique. Am I smart enough, funny enough, witty enough?
Anyway, I really do have a point here. My point is that your are an amazing and talented writer and, from what I can make of the peek at your life I am given here, an amazing woman, mother, etc. as well. I appreciate and am comforted by your intense honesty. These issues- expectations, committment (there’s that word again), happiness- are so complex and dynamic. Their ever-changing nature means that we must also change to make it work. It is so very difficult.
By the way, I have been wondering when the heck you sleep? Because I know you get up early like me (5? 5:30?) but I see you replying to comments late-late.
I’m sorry if it sounds like I was calling you out on that last part. I just meant that I have been so impressed with your dedication to this blog and to those of us who read and comment.
Celeste – To the extent that you can carve out a little bit of time here and there, I think you should start a blog. Patently, you have curiosities to explore and ideas to examine. I do appreciate the hesitation in embarking upon this endeavor though. I felt it too. It is hard, and bold, to imagine that others will be interested in learning about us and reading what we have to write. But I think that blogging is as much, if not more, about self as it is about others. I believe, and deeply, that so many of us do so to cordon off a little spot for just us amid a world of catering to, and caring for, others.
I do not wake up super early every morning or stay up late every night! I keep a very unpredictable schedule, but thankfully get a fair bit of rest. Though it never feels like enough. Thank you, coffee!
For a writer, a blog can be used as (much needed) daily exercise. Some of that depends upon the sort of writer you are. For me, it is about discipline and health, as much as the joy (and anguish) of the writing process.
The (unexpected) side benefit of this experiment (it was entirely experimental for me, 8 months ago) is community. And along with that has come a world of connection – wonderful connection. However, that includes an amount of time that is more often than not equal to (or greater than) the time spent on a daily post. That becomes untenable, in particular for a parent, and even more so if I might say – for a single parent. And yes, there’s the pull to support friends in this world, not to mention to participate in fascinating and helpful and entertaining conversations.
But it becomes overwhelming at times. The stuff of duty, rather than pleasure.
My world is quite different from yours; this is often the only adult interaction I have, for many days at a time. It is more than my icing. Nonetheless, it does not come without burdens, and constant questioning. Perhaps like all good things in life. Gray.
Wolfie – Yes, all good things in life are some shade of gray. I sincerely believe this. Things that are black and white – or rainbow – are not as interesting, as consuming, or as generative of doubts. And so. We plow forward, writing, convening with other thinkers and dreamers, forging an enigmatic and exquisite community. (And it is.) But that doesn’t mean that this world, this community, is simple. No, like all of the other things in life we cherish, there are moments of questioning, of existential unease. But, ultimately, it is so so worth it, no?
First let me say that there should be no apologies. I blog without obligation. Although I do have a few days where I try to post something special…like 30 Words Thursdays or RAW (Random Acts of Wisdom) Fridays. But I get behind. Or I forget. Or life has other plans. And if I miss it, I move on. I don’t look back and obsess and I don’t apologize for it either.
All bloggers love comments. It is like crack. It keeps you coming back. But I don’t find it easy to reply to every comment. I will however come to visit a blog and keep the conversation going by posting a comment. Maybe it is a function of Blogger that I have yet to discover that will make it easier to reply. There are times when I get a handful of comments and others when I can hardly keep up. But when I started I wrote my first post and indicated that even if no one showed up or wrote a comment I would still do this. Because I have found that words are a passion for me, as they are for you, but in different ways. And I think that it is important to indulge your passion.
So, turn off the angst, Aidan. Or at least turn it down. You are a wonderful writer, insightful and intriguing. You are a wonderful mother, caring and compassionate.
Write about what you love and you will find joy. And all the rest shouldn’t matter.
Enjoy the day!
Erin
Erin – I like this whole “no apologies”/”turn off the angst approach” to blogging. And I hope that even in participating in conversations like this one, I will be able to go in that direction. But I think (and fear) that so much of this, like everything, comes down to our more general personalities. I have always been a bit of an all-or-nothing creature, choosing to go big or go home. In school, if I got a 93 on an exam (an A), I would not celebrate, but wonder what happened to the other 7 points. This can be exhausting – oh and it is – but it is also who I am and has benefited me to some degree thus far. Now you have me contemplating a post about whether our blogging attitudes are extension of our life attitudes… I imagine they are, but exploring just how would be interesting. Thanks for the inspiration!
I used to be CONVINCED that I could predict what posts people would resonate with, and which ones they wouldn’t. And I discovered that I’m REALLY BAD and predicting this. Often times, it’s the most unlikely ones that people gravitate the most towards, for some mysterious reason. So, yes, you are better off writing about what resonates with YOU and hope that people like it, too. At the end of the day, this should be FUN!
Elizabeth – I am with you on the not being able to predict AT ALL what posts will resonate with readers. Sometimes, I spend hours and hours writing something and determine it is quite compelling and no one has much to say. Other times, I whip something off and people swoon over it. The lesson? Just as you say – To write what I care about, what’s fun for me and see what happens. This is a good reminder.
Ton of dittos -
all throughout this piece I kept thinking -
I have nothing in common with this person yet, everything she is saying is so right on!
I guess that’s what happens when you go with the gut check!
Thanks – Hugs and Happy Valentines!
Larry – Maybe we have more in common than you think? This is one of my favorite aspects of blogging, namely connecting with people who are, who appear to be, very different than I am. At bottom though, it could be that we are all asking very similar questions, right?
Cheers to dittos, gut checks, and many breeds of conversation!
Balance! Boundaries! All the things we say we want, and then rarely take the steps to implement. I am happy for you that you are committed (to steal a turn of phrase from your earlier post) to the icing only when it is sweet.
I began blogging for the challenge, not the fun. (Sounds so Calvinist, doesn’t it…?) But I did set limits for myself from the beginning to ensure that my blog would not consume me or become a barometer for my worth. So far, it has worked, although there are certainly days and posts that come more naturally and bring more pleasure.
As both of the Niki/Nickis have commented, even the things we love most aren’t pleasurable at every turn. But as long as the balance tips toward pleasure, we are willing to tolerate any requisite sogginess that stows away on the journey. (Eeek, metaphor overload!)
Anyway, congrats on your cake and on your icing.
Gale – I think you were so smart to set some discrete boundaries when you started your blog. I will be curious to see if those boundaries truly prevent an excess of soggy days. I think if we continue to be conscious of the balance (we do or do not have), the boundaries (we do or do not have), and the barometer we use to measure happiness and fulfillment, that is a good start. As always, I appreciate your words and that you have brought your Ten Dollar Thoughts to the blogosphere.
Moments with my blogging? Ha! Have you seen how sporadic my posting is? I used to write at least 2-3 times a week. Then it began to feel like I was giving away too many pieces of me and keeping nothing for myself. Now I write whenever. Most certainly not every day. It feels too much like work when you have to stick to a schedule of posting.
On the writing front. It might be what we love, but it wrings every last coherent thought and syllable from us. My first two attempts are in (hell and beyond it seems) up in the air and I’m struggling to find my voice and courage for yet another. It’s cathartic and demanding at the same time. And that’s just me, the unpublished one. I can’t imagine what it must be like crossing into the land of published with two little ones.
Do: write what you want, when you want and however you want. Enjoy it, this blog – isn’t a job and should never be. This is the space where we get to know Aidan. (Hugs)
Indigo – The question of “schedule” is one that is vexing for me. Schedules are useful to the extent that they orient us and our expectations. But taken too far, schedules are confining and exhausting. So how do we find that enigmatic in-between where we foster some sort of writerly (and human) discipline and allow enough space for our individuality and creativity? I haven’t a clue. Thanks for the reminder that this isn’t a job. There is no boss breathing down my neck. Wait, yes there is. That boss is me.
I’ve been blogging for almost 7 years and I have lots of blah days. I have days when I write posts I just shouldn’t have, days when I think I should quit, times I have quit, days I’ve obsessed over stats and comments and let other things in my life get run over by the blog.
But I have days when I feel like the blogging experience really enriches my life too.
I have no real plan or solution to any of it. I often wonder how long can I possibly keep this up for? Will I always blog? Will I be blogging when I’m 70?? Some days I can’t imagine ever quitting.
No answers here. Just commiseration.
Claire – I actually appreciate your lack of answers. As you know, I am Question Person. And I do think that asking the right questions can be as fruitful as grasping for answers that don’t exist. I think the existence of blah days (in life, parenthood, blogging, everything) is an unavoidable fact. How we deal with those blah days though, how we keep them to a minimum, is another question (I can’t answer).
Will I always blog? I’ve never thought about this question before. I can’t imagine that I will still be blogging a decade from now, but I can’t fathom stopping either. Time will tell…
Lean into the sharp points.
I know, it goes against all instinct; this is where change originates, though. When things become obscure, oblique and difficult- it is human nature to pull away.
Sometimes, doing just the opposite opens new horizons- bends the corners of the mind. I do read what you write. It pops up faithfully in my google-reader and I sip a cup of exquisite espresso and savor the coffee and your words. We all need feedback, we all need more validation than most of us are willing to admit. (raises hand)
Write about life, write about what moves you; you can’t go wrong. Live out loud and live with purpose- the story will damn near tell itself
Titanium – “Lean into the sharp points.” This might be the best – and most cryptic – advice I have received in a while. I am not sure what exactly it means, but it strikes me as sage to embrace the tough parts of life… Yes, we do all need feedback. I think we are taught and trained not to need this affirmation, or to pretend that we don’t, but I think we all house an essential need to be heard, to tell our story, and to have others react to it. As each of us stumbles through life more or less blind, I think we need to hear from time to time that we are doing okay. I don’t think that is selfish. I think that is human.
Cheers to sharp points and living out loud!
It is an English rendering of a Sanskrit maitri (Buddhist
principle). Complicated, no. Difficult? Always.
Ralph Waldo Emerson said it this way: “Always do what you’re afraid to do.”
I feel stressed, deeply stressed, and not as happy as I should be.
Why? Are the happiness police going to give you a ticket.
Happiness isn’t legislated. There is no proper amount.
Fellow bloggers – do you have moments when you are disenchanted with blogging too? When you find yourself unduly obsessed with traffic, and comments, and feel stretched?
In May I am going to celebrate 6 years of blogging. I won’t lie and say that I have never felt frustrated or upset by it. There are moments when I have wondered why my blog isn’t as popular as others.
But I always come back to the same place. I know why I blog. I do it for me because I love to write and because it serves as a great outlet.
Jack – Very interesting point re: the happiness police. Why is it that we (or I) presume that there is an appropriate amount of happiness to enjoy in one’s life and that falling below that threshold on any given day is some kind of existential crime? I don’t know.
I think it is so important for each of us to remember why we started blogging in the first place. I think it is so easy for this rationale to become obscured the more time we spend in this world. It is so easy for us to get caught up in the competitive game, to adopt the approaches of others, but ultimately blogging is a very idiosyncratic activity and I think it is critical that each of us try to retain that initial set of reasons that first thrust us here.
FWIW, I always wanted to be the captain of the “Happiness Police.” I have always envisioned the position as something that requires that we test out activities to see if they make people happy.
I think that we sometimes forget that it is ok not to be happy all the time. But that is a post unto itself.
As for the blogging, you are correct. Ultimately the personal blogs are by nature highly individualized ventures. If you don’t enjoy it they become unsustainable.
OMG – I have so much to comment on this post…let me try to summarize my thoughts:
I was also recently sucked into that whole followers/comments/traffic/numbers game and it is so unproductive. The time I could have been writing or commenting, was wasted on staring at a bunch of numbers. I stopped playing that game and I focus first on my writing and second on my readers. And I will blog about whatever I want because it’s MY blog.
When you get a moment, you should read my post today. It’s about the fact that blogging is about building relationships…similar to what you described in your post. Our blogs wouldn’t be much without the interaction of our readers.
And that interaction to me, is the icing.
xoxo
Theta Mom – Indeed the obsession over numbers is a major time suck and can be something of an existential spiral. I think it is far wiser to focus on our own blogs, on writing about the things that stir us, and on investing in our own readers. The community and conversation are the best parts by far and should remain the central focus. Which doesn’t mean this is always easy. I think so many of us are wired to achieve and we like the idea of *growth*, of accumulating more eyes on our words. Thankfully, I think in this instance the ideal (delicious conversation and divine conversation) can go hand-in-hand with the more practical (numbers, growth) insofar as genuine interaction likely dovetails with increased following?
That certainly seems to be the case on your blog. I am inspired and impressed that you have amassed such a following in such a short time. I have a hunch it is because of a mixture of authentic efforts to interact with readers and your solid grasp of the powers of social media. I encourage all of my readers, particularly bloggers, to check out your most recent and very resourceful post:
http://www.thetamom.com/2010/02/build-your-following-through-the-power-of-social-media/
Yes!! I do find blogging to be both Exciting! and Frustrating. True that (a phrase I picked up from my husband, use at your own risk of sounding foolish).
Like you, if the comments don’t come I feel even more vulnerable then when I first started blogging. Traffic keeps coming and sometimes I feel like I have run in the middle, expecting the cars to notice me, but not hit me.
I am trying to take a step back. This can be awful hard because the addictive nature of blogging.
I am here with you, Aidan. Maybe we can figure this whole thing out before it (or we) breaks down.
Amber – True that
We should all sound foolish from time to time. There is certainly something addictive about this medium and taking a step back can be very hard. But I think it is imperative that each of us does so from time to time, to keep things in perspective. I really like your traffic metaphor. As bloggers, it is something we all crave (whether we readily admit it or not), but increased traffic also means increased frustration and potential accidents… Ooh this must be a post!
I like the idea of all of us figuring this out together, of concocting some helpful rules of play so we can all continue to enjoy our participation in this odd and amazing world.
I’m definitely feeling something similar about my blog…I’m calling it growing pains; after, what, seven or eight months my blog is either in the “terrible two’s” phase or that awful adolescence. I’m not sure, but it’s definitely tough. Every time I write a post, I’m wondering, “is this really the message I want to put out there? Is this what my blog is about?” And I’m never sure of the answer. I’m trying to just put my faith in the process, enjoy the act of writing for myself, and trust that eventually I’ll figure it out…as much as something like that can be figured out, at least.
Allison – I like thinking of blogging in terms of phases. Maybe blogs, like kids, like us, go through phases that are tough and somewhat opaque and maybe we just need to ride them out… I commiserate with the doubt that arises after publishing a post, the doubt about whether we are sending the right message or presenting ourselves in the right way. But what *is* the right message? What *is* the right way to present ourselves? I don’t know, but I think we all actually learn more about ourselves by what we write and the messages we send than the reverse. I am not sure this makes any sense, but so be it. I am going to follow your lead and try to put my faith in this inscrutable blogging process.
“I think we all actually learn more about ourselves by what we write and the messages we send than the reverse.”
Exactly! I’ve found that blogging, like any other form of writing, is only learned by *doing.* Even if it’s really, really bad for awhile. I’m reminded of one of my favorite Stephen King quotes: “Sometimes you have to go on when you don’t feel like it, and sometimes you’re doing good work when it feels like all you’re managing is to shovel shit from a sitting position.” It’s why, if there is a focus to my blog, it’s self-discovery. Even if it’s not pretty, I tell myself that just the act of me writing it, even if no one reads it or replies or gets it, is valuable in some way.
First, let me say that you are not alone in these feelings. None of them. All of them. It is hard NOT to be sad or feel insecure, even briefly, when you write a post and no one comments. And it’s hard not to feel that your blog is a vulnerable real part of YOU, and it’s hard not to want acceptance. You are so not alone.
And I think it is impossible to be blissfully happy at every turn in the life you have built. I wish it were that easy. I think we grow from the middle times.
I’m always here, even when I don’t comment. You are lovely and wonderful and a fantastic writer. No worries there.
Danielle – I am realizing from your comment and the surrounding comments that these feelings of insecurity are quite universal among bloggers and maybe among all of us. I think it is human to care about what others think of us and our creations. And I agree that it is impossible – and probably undesirable even – to be happy at every turn. I guess my biggest question is how to handle the lesser moments, the middle times.
There must be something in the air because my post this very day was about renegotiating my commitments with my blog (and myself).
I think that as moms, life is constantly in flux and what works one day, one week, one year won’t work the next. So we’re constantly having to tune in to our priorities and adjust accordingly. Sometimes it’s easy, often it’s not because we have to choose between things that matter.
In my view, there’s no answer except to live with the question!
Liz – I think you point out something very important, namely that insofar as life is constantly changing, our commitments must change as well. We should all strive to achieve some sort of flexibility that allows us to do the things we love at the level we can handle at that particular time. Again, I don’t know how to acquire that flexibility, but I, like you, am resigned to living with the question.
first, hi. i found my way over here from a friend and i am sorry i didn’t find you sooner.
so i see you have really smart, insightful people weighing in, so i am not sure how much more i can contribute to the conversation. but here’s what i have discovered and how i have discovered it.
i started blogging just for me. i knew there was a chance people would read, but they were safe because i didn’t know them. i could purge freely, without fear of judgment or scrutiny. but then people did start to read, regularly, and relationships started to develop. then i found myself caring, which led to censoring, which started to mess with my head. i ended up having a ‘screw it’ moment (for lack of a better term) and got rid of the counters and stopped the whole obligatory nonsense. i definitely saw a drop in readership, but it has been very freeing. those that stick around have helped me through some extremely difficult confessions, revelations and crises. others pop by occasionally, much more comfortable with a quick comment on something light, and that’s okay, too.
i am not sure where i was going with this, but i guess my point is, blogging should be fairly anxiety free, i believe. or, i guess, for ME, it should be, because its original purpose was to actually relieve, not induce, anxiety.
and that’s what i have to say! happy friday.
Deb – I think there is something very tempting about saying ‘screw it’ as you did, and just doing what we want without reference to expectations and results. That said, I am not sure that this is possible for everyone. I have lived a life where achievements and expectations played a big role. And I don’t necessarily see this as a bad thing. Today, I am trying to be more creative in fashioning my own expectations and I am trying to redefine what constitutes success, but I am not sure I would ever be able to divorce myself entirely from these traditional markers.
I do agree – and wholeheartedly – that so many of us started blogging as a way to reduce anxiety, or at least to explore that anxiety, so we should all do what we can to keep the blogging itself from piling on to that very anxiety.
I can totally relate. I’m so happy for you with your writing, and with that and your family, I don’t know how you do it. My kids are older, only one at home, and I work 20 hours a week right now at the library. But I am working on a novel that is not getting much attention at all because any time I have I’m either working on my blog or catching up with others. I have a very small following and am satisfied with that, but who doesn’t love comments? And I’m reading such amazing writing which is wonderful (yours right at the top, BTW). I don’t think I could’ve done this when my 3 kids were little. After my sinus surgery I’ve only been posting 3 times a week because I still don’t feel so great, and I’m thinking of sticking to that. Because I need to get back to writing the book. It’s so tricky, but I guess what I’m trying to say is this can be overwhelming. You’ve made monumental decisions to do what’s important to you and that’s the best thing a mom can do. For everyone. You’ll find the balance, your own personal balance. It changes every week. If something starts to take away more than what it adds to your life, it’s not working.
Maureen – You have highlighted one of my biggest concerns, namely am I piling my plate a bit too high while my kids are so young? Feasibility aside, I often think I should put many of these things (books, blog) off until my kids are in school so I don’t miss out on anything. But then I also find it very upsetting to think that any of us should put ourselves, our own passions and dreams, on hold because we are raising kids. Men do both all of the time and I think to the extent that we can and want to as well, we should. It’s just that doing both is very hard, and taxing. I agree that this balance thing is highly personal and arrived at over time. And the rub is that once we find that idiosyncratic balance, it shifts because life does. And so we are left with that old adage that the only certainty in life is uncertainty. Ultimately, maybe one of the biggest questions is how to foster good, fulfilling lives withing the context of that uncertainty.
I’m with Charlotte above — my blog truly is icing on my life. BUT I am not trying to pursue a writing career at the moment. I have made peace with the fact that because I am a writer in my heart, I need to write all the time. But I am not writing for profit, just for me. And for that reason, I don’t stress about my blog, my post count, my followers, my comments. I also decided very early on not to respond to every comment, especially IN the comments, just because I never wanted anyone to feel left out. So I think you are very brave and very ambitious, and I hope that you find peace with all this, because I would really hate for your blog to be such a burden that you ever felt the need to end it. I really enjoy it!
Mama – I think you highlight an important distinction between those of us who are blogging purely for personal reasons and those of us who are blogging within the context of bigger career ambitions. I’ve made no secret of the fact that I started this blog at the behest of my agent to create a literary platform for books. But the thing is this blog has (unwittingly) become a lot more than that for me. Sure, I write about my book and the publication process from time to time an enjoy doing this, but the majority of my posts are about me and my life and the questions that define my days.
I think it is amazing – and beyond enviable – that you don’t stress about your blog. And, yes, the vow to respond to every comment was brave and likely very foolish. The thing is that I *want* so much to respond and will try to do so, but I am already realizing how hard this might be! We will see how long I can last.
There is no end in sight
(Hope you are enjoying your new home!)
Yes, I can tell this blog has become Something Else to you, and for that I am so glad! Isn’t it cathartic? I can tell you are someone who is, like me, always on the lookout for kindred spirits and aching for connection. I am so glad that our blogs made us friends!
The house is coming along, slowly but surely. It is definitely a “home” kind of house, and for that I am very excited!
Sounds like you are pretty normal to me. Blogging is the icing on the cake, in my life as well! It’s about the connections and friendships (yes, there are friendships formed) that begin through these crazy things we call blogs. As long as you enjoy what you are doing- go for it! Life is too short to sweat about the small stuff~literally!
Sara – Good to know you think I am normal
I agree that it is all about the connections forged and friendships fostered and that these things should be the focus. One question: How do I learn how to stop sweating the small stuff (literally and metaphorically)?
I have days where blogging gets me down, I feel it can be cliquey which is odd to me since its all online. Maybe that is just in my head….
I stopped caring about posting standards, traffic, and the amount of comments when Ezra got ill. I was just putting way too much effort into people pleasing, and as a mom and a wife I do enough of that. I now blog for myself, and I love it, its so much more enjoyable. I still love every comment I get and respond to each, and try to visit the person’s blog as well, as I think that is what blogging is about.
But I no longer waste any time chasing dreams of becoming a “big name blogger”. I am happy where my little blog is at, and my blog is happy with me
Beth – So interesting because I was just chatting with a good friend and fellow blogger about this question of whether blogging is cliquey or not. And I guess it kind of is, right? Bloggers form little clusters and banter on Twitter and on each others sites and I have no doubt it makes others feel left out… I hadn’t even noticed this dynamic of blogging before that conversation and sincerely hope that I haven’t taken part in any of this nonsense.
It makes sense that you stopped caring about all of the silly stuff when Ezra got sick. Perfect sense.
Funny because I think of you as a big name blogger!
Yes. Yes. Yes. I have thought about blogging on this very subject recently — for many of the same reasons you did. I just started my blog in November, and it’s become a joy in my life, an unexpected joy.
But I, too, fear that I’m not able to participate in that conversation you so aptly wrote about. I purposefully try to limit my blog time (although I do try to post six days a week), so that it doesn’t interfere too much with my writing and my family. My real life, if you will.
But then I feel guilty that my (admittedly few) followers will be hurt if I don’t respond or answer them in some way. So I try. I also fear that I am too abrupt, too casual on my blog and that it somehow reflects poorly on my writing. Ack!
So, I know what you are saying. And I know about the tug of these little blogs of ours, and how a comment can make our day sometimes when everything else seems to be falling down around us.
Thanks again. And no Aidan, you don’t have to respond. I understand.
Terry – Thanks for your words. Particularly your triple-yes
It is so hard, impossible, to balance our little blogs and our very big lives. I hesitate to call one world real and one world not because there is such spillover, isn’t there? I am sitting here, writing words, participating in a conversation and though it is online, it feels real on some level. This is why I call this world virtureal. All of this is to say that I hear you with respect to these questions and challenges. I am beginning to realize that so many of us feel this tension, and deeply, and feel marginally lost in navigating a multiplicity of worlds that matter to us.
I read about halfway through this post and thought to myself, “promising to reply to every comment is setting another expectation! and publicly!”, but then you wrote the same thing… :p Anyway yes I’m definitely in agreement that we (blog type people) should just do want we want and not feel any obligation to these things. I sometimes get the same thoughts regarding comments and so on, but I try not to worry about it because for me anyway that shouldn’t be the point. I don’t like “empty” comments where people are just trying to get you to their site anyway, so I’ll take fewer comments, but quality ones, any day.
Kat – Yes, indeed, I write a post about not setting expectations and then I set one publicly. Prime evidence of my lunacy
So, here’s my question I know we shouldn’t care about things other than personal fulfillment when writing our blogs, but what happens if we find ourselves caring about other things? What then?
I agree fully re: empty comments. I would take quality over quantity any day.
You’re going to answer every question?
J – Yes, I am going to answer all questions that I deem appropriate to answer
And if it is a question that makes me squirm, I will channel my old lawyer self and evade at all costs. Thank you so much for changing my status from naughty to PG. I think I will have to write a whole post on that one!
(Hi to the Chickster and everyone else!)
Really really?
It is such a pleasure to read your words. I cant wait to read your book <3
Elinka – Thank you! I can’t wait for you to read LIFE AFTER YES either. May 18, baby!
After more than 5 years blogging, I started to feel a little comfort. Amazing isn’t it, how this blog-thing influence our life. I support you for ” I am going to stop letting this blog add to my insecurities.”
Oh, and plus, comment system betrayed me several times. Means, I lost a lot of it. There were times I got angry, but now I’m easy with all that.
Enjoy the blog, when you don’t feel like it, leave it and the time will come that you miss this world of blogging.
Melly – I am so thrilled to have some more seasoned bloggers stopping by and offering some words of wisdom. I really hope to get to the point where I can leave the blog alone when I feel like I need to. And I have no doubt that I will miss this wacky world sooner rather than later.
I SO relate to this post. There was a period of time when I had some similar questions about blogging, and my husband looked at me and said, “The second this becomes NOT fun, I think you should stop.” It sounded so easy coming out of his mouth, but I really started re-evaluating how I spend my time on the blog. I now try not to obsess over comments, and to write things I really want to write, instead of things I think will draw comments. Because at the end of the day, this is something I’m choosing to do. I don’t have to write. But I am. So I might as well have fun with it. I still have a “day job”, and that possibly makes it a little different. But I do encourage you to keep writing in ways that bring you joy. And success, I believe, will come. Of course I don’t always believe that for myself, but I believe it for others.
Anne – It is so wonderful to have people in our lives who remind us to take a step back and reevaluate. I often have these conversations with Husband. My thought is that if we are going to do this, we should try to do it in a way that complements our sensibilities and the life we are leading. We cannot all adopt the same standards and strictures. The reality is that each of us who blogs has so many other wonderful, important things in our world and the minute this activity becomes a chore, we must stop and scrutinize.
I love that your family is the cake and writing is the icing. And that you recognize that life IS sweeter when there is icing (and sprinkles!) But sweeter – not essential. The ups and downs of blogging you described (and others here) I go through every week. It’s a precarious balance for me.
P.S. Happy Valentine’s Day to you, too!
Jane – Precarious balance is right. When sitting down to write this post, I had a hunch that I wasn’t the only one who had this sordid love/hate relationship with blogging. And your comment and others assure me that I am right. Like in life, there are ups and downs.
And icing rocks
I started blogging about 5 months ago. I didn’t think I would get obsessed with all of the stats, but sometimes I am so compulsive about it, it takes the fun out of the posting. I started blogging as a way to deal with the grief of my father’s death and then entries about other things started happening. When I get caught up with the “how many comments” I’ve had on a certain post, I reflect and remind myself why I started blogging in the first place.
Just wanted to let you know that I enjoy reading your blog and take comfort from your journey. I was also an attorney who left the legal practice to pursue my first love, the written word. The writing days are so lonely that sometimes the occasional comment on the blog can help encourage you to stay with that novel, short story, or non-fiction piece that you may be working on. You are not alone.
Rudri – To be honest, *this* is what I am blogging. To think that somehow, some way, I have connected with another former lawyer who is mourning her father’s passing and pursuing writing… That is incredible. And, yes, the writing venture can be overwhelmingly lonely. I think that is why so many of us enter the blogosphere – because there is a real community here, there are voices, and bolstered by these voices, we feel a little less alone.
Oh I hear you Aidan! I have had my days/weeks where I start obsessing over who is reading, if they’re commenting, why aren’t they commenting, etc. And then, I take a step back and realize, wow, I have dozens (yes, for me it’s only dozens) of people reading my words! And they keep coming back! They must like what I have to say. And then I really don’t care if my readers stay in the dozens because this is for me. This is MY story and it certainly won’t be compelling to hundreds. And that’s ok.
And realize, the days you’re too busy and feeling sad about not getting around to your friends’ blogs? Your friends are having those days too, feeling bad not coming to see you. At least I always feel bad when I don’t get over to you. I love every word you write. Every word. But life comes first sometimes… We all get it! Xox
Becca – Yes, life comes first. And it absolutely should. I think you are focused on the right thing, namely that all these people are reading your words each day and coming back for more. And your story, your blog? It is truly fantastic and I think it will be compelling to the masses.
It is good to realize that my buds feel the same guilt about not being able to pop by every cherished blog every day. It’s just not always possible. I am thrilled to be in such good, understanding company.
yes, the things we care about the most are the ones that cause the most angst, the most passion, the most thoughtful prayer and deliberation. i recently tried to explain to my 6 year old that the reason i get so upset about so many things is because i care. so much.
i can’t imagine the feeling of putting everything out there on a regular basis…and to have to wait and care about the responses and how many??? yikes.
aidan, you have a wonderful gift of being able to relate to women on a global/mom level and so keep being you and keep letting us hear/read you. its a step toward women relating and thats a good thing!!
if you need more time with your family, take it! but at least you know you have a following and a gift. check it out, 43 posts or something on this subject alone??? not bad.
Elizabeth – Yes, isn’t it an incredible blessing and curse that we worry most about the the things we care about so deeply? I can imagine that it must be so difficult to explain such things to a six-year-old. What’s amazing is that I don’t put everything out there at all. Believe it or not, I put a little tiny fraction of myself out there, but it is honest and vulnerable and me. So, yes, it matters, and affects me, to see who responds and what they say.
I actually think I’ve carved a decent balance between babies and book/blog, but it is still so hard. My weeks are still riddled with moments where I am working and feel like I should be with my kids and vice versa. I think that is pretty par for the course for so many of us, but it is tough sometimes.
I am so thrilled you are reading. It means a lot
Have I stalked my own blog? Yes. As a matter of fact, everytime my kids walk by me on a computer with my blog up they say, “Mom, stop stalking your blog.” Really sick.
I too love our blogging world. I love the world of thinking mothers I’ve found in here who are supportive, intellectual, non-critical, and from all age groups and walks of life. It’s truly fascinating how everyone comes together into a supportive whole.
But time? It has killed my “real” writing. I’m supposed to be editing my manuscript so I can query agents, etc. Instead, I haven’t even started. My goal was never to be a “blogger,” but to go public with my writing.
The vulnerability issue is big. The majority of my posts have been humorous and people have told me many times that they “love my funny blog.” But having read so many by now, I don’t believe funny builds a readership; I believe truth and vulnerability does and so each time I write I’m torn by my desire to satisfy the invisible readers. Do I satisfy the ones who come for a dose of Jewish humor or do I really reveal what goes on in my life, the not so funny ups and downs?
So, yeah, Aidan, I understand the struggle well. And I do believe you should go towards that which you find joyful.
Linda – Stalking my own blog? Never! Ha. Guilty as charged. I too have been pleasantly surprised by the diverse community that we have stumbled upon in this world. The mosaic of experiences, and contrasting voices, is so interesting and empowering. As you know, I too am having a hard time balancing blog writing and fiction writing. For me, these are two very different breeds of creativity and they both mean a lot to me, but it is sometimes impossible to devote myself to both simultaneously.
You raise an interesting question re: audience. Are we writing with a certain audience in mind? Are we choosing the topics we explore based on what we think will attract more eyes?
I am heartened to know that this blogging struggle, in all its permutations, is not mine alone.
I gave a very odd answer the second time my husband proposed to me. I said “Yes, I’d love to, as long as we can do it without stress.”
I’d seen so many people get stressed over wanting that ‘perfect’ wedding day. Life – just normal, everyday, getting-out-of-bed-in-the-morning-and-living life – has more than enough stresses without adding to them voluntarily.
So we had a pact. We would get married, but we’d do it without stress. And it worked: any time something felt like it was causing more trouble than it was worth, we’d scrap that bit or do it in the simplest way possible. We had a simple and absolutely wonderful wedding, surrounded by family and friends and not too much fuss.
Sorry, this is getting long… but you did ask for a conversation!
Where I’m going with this is to say that I’ve stuck to this philosophy ever since. If something isn’t an absolute essential, then I won’t do it if it’s stressful. Early last year, I accidentally fell into the habit of blogging every day, and then I felt pressured to post *something* every day… it was stress. I didn’t like it. I made a conscious decision to step back, and now I write 2-3 times a week. And the stress has gone.
Does life have to be ecstatically, brilliantly happy in every single second? Of course not, that’s unrealistic. But I firmly believe it’s possible to minimise the unnecessary stresses. It just takes a little determination, and constant awareness.
Good luck finding your balance!
Rachel – I love this anecdote about your wedding proposal. This story is truly fantastic and how prescient you were to know that something as magical as a wedding can indeed cause boatloads of stress. I am amazed and envious that you are able to make decisions, and navigate your days, in such a way that minimizes unnecessary stress. I am not sure how I can get to that point or if I will frankly, but I agree that so much of it has to do with self-awareness. Hopefully, this post is evidence of such self-awareness. Hey, it’s a start!
Dear Aidan… I love your blog! I read it every day. On New Years Day I was talking to my brother who lives long distance and he suggested that I read Gretchen Rubins book, “The Happiness Project”. It was through her blog that I found yours. Now I always seem to be a step or two behind and never found the blogging world and now I’ve spent the last 6 weeks reading Gretchens and yours and perusing others. As part of my Happiness Project I decided to start my own blog. I’ve set it all up… but then froze. I have not written anything because I’m terrifed. What if its not good enough? What if I simply can’t write? What will I write about? I’ve got a million excuses. As as each day goes by – I feel like I’m losing out on something big.
I thank you for your courage to be honest because its given me the courage to start putting words down on paper and join this wonderful world of blogging that you and others are a part of.
Mary – That is so exciting to hear that you are starting your own blog. As I am sure you know, Gretchen said that starting her blog – and learning something new – gave her a huge jolt of happiness. I did not start this site as part of a greater project, but I am realizing now that in a certain sense, a profound sense, this blog *is* my own happiness projects of sorts. (I have told Gretchen as much before.) I do think that taking the time to write about our days and explore questions that echo in our hearts and minds can add a great deal to our sense of well-being.
I cannot wait to start reading your blog!
ditto. I get it. so. very. much.
you write in words the thoughts in my head.
how do you do that? wait-I know. you are a woman. and so am i.
yes.
life after.
Shelby – I hesitate sometimes before penning these more personal posts, before scattering these more vulnerable shards, but I always have this instinct that it is these private struggles and questions that are likely the most universal.
Yes.
Life After.
(Indeed.)
Aidan, your writing style is so captivating and filled with personality. It seems to come so naturally to you and look at all these comments you get – how can it possibly be that this wonderful endeavor of yours causes stress? Some of us would kill to be in your shoes! Please enjoy it. You are living a dream.
Steven – Believe me, if you are of a certain personality type, almost anything (even good things) can cause stress. Fortunately, much more often than not, blogging is a wonderful experience that genuinely enhances my days. There are moments though where I feel overwhelmed and have doubts about the process and how it affects me. My goal is to keep those moments to a minimum and figure out what they are all about. Thank you for imploring me to enjoy this adventure. Indeed it is a dream. I guess even the most vivid of dreams are tinged by the grays of reality…
I expect to be more articulate once the chills subside…
You wiggled into my mind, Aidan. How do you do that? I have been huddled up in my little ball, thinking these things as you wrote them. On Thursday, I wrote for the first time in a long time and have since had a queasy stomach. What now? Who’ll yell? What did I write? How did I say it?
And yes, most things just don’t feel good all of the time, especially things that matter to us. Even with family and love and friends, our writing matters to us. And perhaps because of the family and love and friends, some of the good feelings go bad when we write honestly. Some tough shit.
Happy Valentine’s Day to you, too!
Mary Poppins (makes me smile typing that!) – Yes, our writing matters to us. Maybe it is that simple. Whether or not we are writing about deeply personal questions or not, writing is in a profound sense a very vulnerable activity. We create and then put it out there for invisible eyes. We hope for recognition and some praise and just to be heard. It is so hard sometimes. It is.
So happy you are back to your blogging! Off to check out your latest post in a bit.
Thanks, Aidan. It’s good to be back. And thanks for that, because much of the ability to wade back in was found in your kind words…
Happy Valentine’s Day!
You are not alone in what you feel.
Thanks for writing such a great post!
Happy Valentines Day
Stephanie – Thank you for chiming in. Good to know that I am far from alone in having hesitations and reservations about blogging from time to time.
Is it possible that anything that feels obligatory will ultimately bring frustration and that we humans need a true sense of choice to feel complete satisfaction? That is, for bloggers who blog truly for a sense of personal satisfaction, the frustration level is probably a lot lower than for someone who blogs as a platform or as part of some other aspect of her life.
As you know, I chose to stop posting daily when I started to get the sense that blogging was detracting from my enjoyment of other parts of my life. But now, because I am starting to think of blogging as part of a larger career whole, I do feel some responsibility to write, and write often. And, thus, a bit of frustration starts to mount.
Kristen – You ask a good question, namely whether we need to feel that we have a modicum of choice and control, and that without this, frustrations are inevitable? Could very well be. I think you highlight a salient distinction between those of us who are blogging purely for ourselves and those of us who are doing so as part of a professional push of some sort? Perhaps there is more of a struggle attached to the latter? I don’t.
As you know, I am so thrilled that you are cooking up some career dreams. I am not surprised to hear that this adds a level of obligation to blogging. Maybe we can try to figure this out together?
Wow. So much insight – everywhere! Your post is something I can relate to absolutely. And all these comments! I am amazed by how much we all have to give each other. That is why a lot of us blog. I don’t think we start blogging expecting this community and support, but then it comes, and it is such a gift and so we start giving too – more and more and more and more until we are wiped out.
I don’t have any novel advice for you. Your readers have done a great job of this already. I just want you to know that I relate. As someone who quit my fancy job to find meaning and happiness I can relate to the insane feeling that somehow the very thing you were leaving behind, came and found you again anyway. We are all works in progress. We are all always in flux.
I’m glad you are going to keep blogging, but seriously, I wouldn’t kill yourself over responding to everyone every time. We know you care!
Rebecca – I do think it’s fascinating that we can walk away from a place, or a stage, and think that our malaise was firmly rooted in that place, in its lack of color and creativity, but then realize ultimately that part of our experience was tied up in who we are, that we had a little something to do with our own unhappiness.
As for us all being works in progress, I couldn’t agree more. This concept for me is at once frustrating and liberating. Frustrating because it means we are never finished, that no matter how hard we work and hard we search, we are inherently incomplete. Liberating because we are not *meant* to be perfect and polished, we are intended to be, and always will be, unfinished with the possibility of improvement.
Thanks for the license to go back on my word to respond to each and every comment. I might take you up on this pass as the proclamation was a bit nutso and borne from a good place of genuinely wanting to interact with all of you guys!
Oh, I so hear you. I’m a television writer (and young adult books, but mostly tv), so I’m writing or talking about stories all day. By the time I get home, I have a very tired brain… and sometimes blogging can seem completely overwhelming. Which is when I resort to photos… which I hate to do… but sometimes that’s all I can manage before I collapse. It can be frustrating, because I love my blog and would like to be able to spend significantly more time on it. And I would very much like to get more involved in the blogging community, which is incredibly hard when all you can manage is a picture post on your OWN blog. But we do this best we can, I suppose, and hope that our readers love us on our good days and understand us on our bad days.
Sarah – Your comment captures something I feel all the time, namely the desire to do so many things. I had this conversation with a fellow blogger recently when we were talking about the ability to say no. I told her that I have no real problem saying no, but rather that I want to say yes to too many things, and often do. I want to blog and write fiction and be fully immersed in the lives of my kids. I want to be class parent and get involved in non-profits, etc. But there are only so many hours in the day. That is something we cannot change. But something we can (perhaps) change is how hard we are on ourselves when we cannot do everything all at once. Believe me, I don’t pretend to know how to ease up on myself, or lower my hovering expectations, but I think it is worth thinking about.
For what it’s worth, I think there is nothing at all wrong with posting pictures. A good picture is often far more powerful than a so-so post
I absolutely adore your writing and all the thoughts you share. Although I’m still a twenty-something pinstriped diva (pinstriped, yes; diva, sometimes), I relate to many of the challenges, insights, and most of all, insecurities, you are so willing to share and explore with us. The comments alone show I am one of many.
I truly admire you for leaving your law career to devote your energy to family – and a writing career. I would love to commit to both one day. Good for you, making this blog something you enjoy rather than something that causes anxiety.
Please do not feel like you need to respond to my post – I struggle daily with not having enough time in the day. Take the time for yourself instead
P.S. Can’t wait to read “Life After Yes!”
Lisa – To be fair, I was not much of a diva when I was working at the law firm. I was more of a hybrid between a slacker and a nervous wreck. I knew that I never wanted to make partner, so I didn’t work tremendously hard, but I was also so wired to achieve and impress that I found myself very intimidated by partners and more senior associates. The pinstripe part is entirely accurate though
I think the concept of insecurities is something that is relevant for all of us. Young or old, yuppie or country, parent or no, we are all human and as such, we feel insecure about internal and external things. It is a privilege for me to start conversations about universal insecurities here. I think there is something very profound in realizing that we are not alone in feeling the swell of anxiety about life from time to time. I think perhaps this is why I love comments so much – because they are evidence that I am not alone in the insecurities I periodically express…
I can’t wait for you to read LIFE AFTER YES either! Soon!
Dear sweet Aidan,
I love this post. I love it because it feels like the heart of what ILI was supposed to be about in the first place — not just the this-is-meant-to-be-a-conversation part, but also (and especially) the I-am-posting-about-things-that-matter-to-me-and-I-feel-vulnerable-and-insecure part. Your writing — the way you use words, particular words, for a particular and precise purpose — is, in my humble opinion, very close to flawless. There is no blog that I enjoy more. No writer whose book I am looking forward to more. No person whose feedback on my blog matters more! I, too, am trying to figure out how to balance my passion with my higher priorities – to find that sweet spot where time is properly allocated and utilized. It’s hard. So hard. Harder than it was when I was spending 10 hours a day at a law firm, I think, because now I have the luxury to decide how to spend my time, and that’s a luxury with a lot of responsibility. Anyway – all this to say, I know you’re wrestling with the balance (and the bologna), but from where I sit, it looks like you’re getting it right.
Lauren – You hit on something major here. Something I think I have been overlooking. That something? The brilliant burden of choice. I think part of the reason I am having such a hard time is because it is up to me to determine how to spend my time. This is indeed a profound luxury. But it comes with its costs. Because in having the choice, we also have the ability (inevitability) to make the wrong choice. Again, even this making of the wrong choice, is a fruit so many of us aren’t able to savor, but it is still hard. There is something to be said for being shrouded with a structure and schedule, for having fewer options. I think I must write a post on this, namely the privilege (and problem) of choice.
Thank you for your words. I have no doubt that you will face some of these gray areas when navigating the mothering/writing/blogging path and know that I am here, struggling alongside you, willing to listen.
i was just going through this thought process this week as well.
what i’ve found is that the people who like you, the ones who you want to like you, still will even when your posts aren’t as frequent or when you’re only posting things straight from the heart. so yes–post what you want, when you want. we’ll still be here
Alisha – Thank you for confirming for me the relative universality of this blogging angst. I think that you are right. That people and readers are loyal. If we are unable to blog every day, people understand. Everyone has a busy, demanding existence and appreciates that consistency is not always possible. I write these words. Now I just need to figure out how to believe them
although i’m in touch w/ my stats, i never let them tell me how i should feel about my blog, or my writing for that matter. i look at my blog as a way to showcase my writing, but, perhaps more importantly, as a way to make sure that i write regularly. the fact that people keep coming by tells me that, all in all, my blog is serving its purpose nicely.
according to my stats, my most popular post was one that took me a half hour to write–a snarky rant which apparently struck a chord with my readers. not only do i think that snarky is overdone (thanks, dooce), i also think it’s a simple brand of writing, if not even a bit unimaginative. and though i did like my snarky rant, it would never be the piece that i would point to as THE one that captures my uniqueness as a writer.
so the fact that my rant was better received than some of my other posts which were better written and required a lot more from me to produce, confuses me a bit. but then again, so does paris hilton’s popularity. so i refuse to allow that confusion to morph into any other angst-ridden, negative emotion. nor will i let the stats tell me that my rant was my finest moment. it wasn’t. beauty, i suppose, is in the eyes of this beholder.
but now i’m off on a tangent. let me reel it back in a bit…
it sounds like you’re gonna let your blog work for you instead of you working for it. at least that’s what i gathered from your fantastic post. sounds like a great plan to me. my bottom line with you is this: aidan, you could post once an hour, once a week, or once a month, and i’d still swing by your blog because i love the way you write. and if it weren’t for your blog, i’d have never know that. which tells me that your blog is serving its purpose nicely, too. sorry for the ramble…
John – Thank you for the ramble
I love rambling; I think it is a lost and underappreciated art (seriously). I really appreciate your anecdote about your own blog and particularly about your most popular post. I do think it is somewhat arbitrary what elicits the biggest response and we should not tailor our writing based on such responses. I hope that I am able to approach your attitude – to be in touch with the numbers, but somewhat immune to them.
Thank you for reminding me that some readers actually come by blogs because they like the writing; that they are less concerned with the frequency of posts. And, hey, you are right. If I hadn’t started this blog and you hadn’t started yours, we would be total strangers! That does mean something.
You kook! How did I miss this? You are feeling overwhelmed and then you give yourself even higher standards? What. Are. You. Thinking?
I completely agree that the blog is a love/hate relationship. I find myself making boundaries (eg: thou will not post/comment on weekends) and then break them all the time. What kind of weird pressure makes us do this?
I’m really, really trying to cut back to 3 posts a week. 4 at the maximum. Because if I don’t make myself, I’ll be tethered to this keyboard forever.
Kitch – I am a kook! Completely. I don’t really know what I am thinking. My promise to respond, albeit a shred insane, is rooted in a good place though. I want to interact, to engage, to converse. But I know even now that this approach is likely not sustainable. But how do we fashion that middle ground between replying to all and to none? I’m not so sure. Ideas?
Love/hate indeed. Thankfully the love part is far greater. And, yes, I draw lines and construct boundaries and then I immediately break them. Guess I am a little rebel
How to make the keyboard our friend? How to break that tether? Not a clue.
i have been posting so infrequently on my blogs that i hardly consider myself a blogger (although i have been a guest blogger on a couple of really major poetry/literary blogs). the “soggy” feelings you describe are what keep me from posting sometimes (other times, it’s sheer lack of time, energy, words). it’s great that you keep on and slog through the slogginess.
Saint Nobody – That is fantastic about guesting on poetry/literary blogs. Which ones? I am not sure whether it’s better to slog through the slogginess or to take a step back and try to figure out what caused the slogginess in the first place. Maybe I am treading a middle ground – acknowledging the slog and sifting through it for clues?
Whenever you think nobody loves you because you don’t get enough comments just know that I love you always, every single day! And I always love reading your blog, even on days I don’t take the time to write back.
Jess – You are the sweetest! Intellectually, I know that many people read and enjoy and don’t comment for a bevy of good reasons. Hey, I have been in countless classrooms in my life where I was riveted by the professor, but never said a word. It is good for me to remember this!
i think that there are hard parts to every single job out there. even if it is our one true passion.
as a minor league blogger, i know how important reader comments are, so i apologize for my lack of doing so. i usually don’t comment because i fear my words will look silly and under-dressed next to your big, bold, and grown-up words. i can say though that i await each post with anticipation and i read your words with excitement, understanding, and (yes i’ll admit it) a bit of envy. your words have such clarity and depth and weight and sensitivity and honesty and beauty. please don’t stop writing.
but then again, don’t write unless it’s fun. we’ll all be here waiting no matter when/how often you post.
Abby – Thank you for these words. Your fears are unwarranted; Your words are are strong and clear yours and actually mean a lot. I will not stop writing. About that, I am sure! Thank you for your continued support.
resolute is suh-weet.
xo
Indeed, my fiery friend.
xo
I do. I have often felt all of those things. I have come to realize that I do like comments and I do like the fact that out there in the big bloggy world some are reading my words.
But more importantly it is my space to vent, to witness my evolution as a human, a mother and a woman. To record my frailties and successes, with or without angst and with or without comments. I haven’t had a comment in weeks, but that is part of the deal of blogging. But I keep writing because it is my record.
Hey Aidan. Thanks for commenting on my blog. I read this post and you shouldn’t feel inadequate when people don’t leave a comment (in fact you have over a hundred here so I think you’re doing good). It took me about 5 to 6 months to get my first comment. I think you’re writing is solid and you easily express how you feel which is personal. Good job here!