Wasted?
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I am the product of an elite education. Dalton. Yale. Columbia Law.
The point of this post is not to remind you of my scholastic pedigree. No. The point is a lot more complicated. And decidedly more vulnerable. The point is hazy, but it exists. And here I sit squinting, trying to see it. Because this blogging gig? It’s not just about hawking my words and sentences. No. It’s about excavating my own neuroses. It’s about analyzing my own anxiety.
And I know better. I know that I am Me. That I am knee-deep in said neuroses and awash in said anxiety and no matter how hard I try, I probably won’t be able to arrive at an objective diagnosis. Of course not. But that won’t stop me from trying. I like a good challenge.
And I know better. That it’s one thing to have an exquisite education and glittering opportunities and incomparable connections. But it is another thing to talk about these things. And yet another to put them in writing. These are things to be thankful for, but things that should not be discussed. No. These are trappings of privilege. And privilege is a taboo subject.
Never talk about privilege.
You know what? Like so many of you, I am a bit sick of should. I am a bit perplexed by social strictures that seem a bit stiff. I am interested in honesty, in universality, in cracks. And I have cracks. They aren’t even tiny. They are big and bold and jagged. Stuffed with genuine worry, authentic questions, and notable insecurities. So maybe I am being imprudent here, but I am going to talk about the cracks.
I loved the schools I attended. Loved. And maybe this is not customary. But my experience was positive at each alma mater. I remember particular teachers. Particular books. Particular papers I wrote. Particular seminar discussions. My school days were bright and busy and, frankly, I miss them sometimes.
At school, I worked hard. Hard enough to get A’s and a sprinkling of lesser grades that made me sweat. Hard enough to graduate with an accolade or honor here and there. Hard enough to make that resume shine. Hard enough that graduation days were rich celebrations, beautiful bridges between one great place and the next. Hard enough that at the end of it all, I passed a very hard and miserable exam, and landed gracefully at a high wattage Manhattan law firm.
And at that law firm, I did just fine. I was an efficient and ebullient cog in a well-oiled machine. I got decent reviews. I got along well with my colleagues. And then I fled. And fast.
And now. Now I am home. And working. And mothering. And writing.
And worrying.
Worrying about a lot of things because this is a parent’s job. But worried from time to time about one thing in particular that I have been prudent enough not to articulate to myself. Or to the masses.
Until now.
Sometimes, I worry that I have wasted my education. And I know this might seem silly. Or even offensive. But sometimes I feel that with my particular degrees from my particular alma maters I should be doing more. That I should be doing something more meaningful. That I should be helping more people, or solving environmental or political crises, or rising in the ranks at some major uber-powerful institution that does good things. Sometimes, I worry that I took plum spots at stellar schools that could have been filled by others who were a bit more hungry and a bit more ambitious to alter the flawed landscape of our world, to fix the problems that need fixing, to amount to some more conventional glossy greatness.
This is why I gave this blog its name. Because though Ivy, I’m quite insecure. (Maybe because I am Ivy, I am particularly insecure because I am particularly aware of, and strangled by, shoulds?)
This is why I am treading tricky trenches here. Risking something. Talking a bit more openly.
Because as time passes, my own worries are becoming less opaque and I want to explore them. Because I think that in tracing the contours of my own insecurity, I am surprisingly gaining confidence. I think I am beginning to believe that my education hasn’t been wasted, but has been put to very good use.
I learned to write at these fine schools. I learned to think at these fine schools. I learned to ask questions at these fine schools.
Maybe that’s why I am willing to go there. To that raw and risky place of things not to discuss. To utter sentiments that might provoke. To ruffle pretty and peaceful feathers.
Maybe that’s why I am willing to come here. To this safe haven. To confess shards of complicated truth. To expose cracks.
Because I am finally realizing that I worked so hard, that I continue to work so hard, for a reason.
The reason? This.
This life. This family. These words. This story and its infinite and unfolding chapters.
Or maybe I have wasted it all and I am making big, bad excuses that are clever and well-told.
But I don’t think so. I don’t.
Not anymore.
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- Looking back, how do you feel about your education? Overall, was it a positive or negative experience or somewhere in between?
- Do you think you have made the most of your opportunities or do you sometimes wonder? Do you think you have succeeded because of your education or despite it?
- Do you ever have this sinking and shaky feeling that you have wasted something? Time? Love? An opportunity – educational or personal or romantic?
- Do you think that someone with two Ivy League degrees should be engaged in something more “serious” than raising kids and weaving self-indulgent words?
ILI DAILY CHARMS
* “You are not your stats.” A sage reminder for bloggers and non-bloggers alike from Megan Jordan at Velveteen Mind.
* What good are dreams? Big question and beautiful words courtesy of Big Little Wolf of Daily Plate of Crazy.
* Is there a solace in silence? How do you manifest your rage? Deep questions that will make your brain buzz from Ronna Detrick of Renegade Conversations.
I have been a faithful reader of this blog, ever since I stumbled upon it during my finals at UC Berkeley. There was something so appealing with it, as if you were able to articulate all those things about being a really good at something, and realizing that we sometimes do this for all the wrong reasons. For the sake of being good, or clever, more than anything else.
After graduating this Christmas, I returned to Norway. But although equipped with a brilliant resume, I lacked this drive to go after a these jobs I knew I would do great in. So I stopped applying. And rather went for a fun, but not so demanding job in the food business. Which I love.
Today, when I read this post, I realized how right I have been, in choosing something less meaningful for all others, but all the more meaningful to me. And from my heart to yours, your insights have indeed helped me in doing so.
Within weeks in my new job, I was promoted, and will by this summer run my very own restaurant. I feel I should say thank you.
This comment? The fact that something I felt and then wrote struck something in you, compelled you to honor a twinkling of a dream, to find your own breed of meaning, to go for it? This is why I am writing. This. Thank YOU.
I’m totally with you! While not Ivy League, I went to a school some people call part of the “Ivy League of the South.” (I always thought that was sort of dumb, because we were not in the Ivy League, and I don’t really know why that mattered so much…) I went to Vanderbilt and got a degree in Chemical Engineering. I capitalized that intentionally just now, because there are people in this world that think of it that way…capitalized…like it’s a foreign and proper noun. To me, it wasn’t. It was a major. It was something I was pretty decent at (yes, that dangling preposition bothers me, but I’m leaving it there in an attempt to get over my grammar hangups). It was something I thought would get me a good job. And it did! I had a great job with a nice salary lined up about 4 months before I graduated and I transitioned nicely into that job upon my exit from the “higher institution of learning.”
At 20 years old.
Yep, that’s right…20 years old with a degree in Chemical Engineering and a salary twice as big as my dad’s. I guess I thought that was something at the time, but now it seems…unimportant. Now, I’m on the brink of wanting to quit my job to start a family. And daily, I fight the part of me that thinks I’m supposed to use my education and my “potential” to move up the corporate ladder and the part of me that wants to stay home and snuggle and play with and teach a miniature version of my husband and me. I worry about the people I’ll let down if I quit. Do my bosses think I have the potential to move up? Are they planning some great assignment for me in our next move? Will they think I am wasting my potential?
And then…am I really worried about what they think? Or is it me that I think I’m letting down? Do I (I don’t know how to add emphasis in this little box, but if I could, that “I” would be dually emphasized) think I’m wasting my potential and my education?
All these questions make me want to scream.
But, you know what? When I fight with myself about this, I just remind myself that there are reasons for everything in this world. If I hadn’t gone to Vanderbilt, and if I hadn’t had the major I had…I would not have made the network connection I did with a senior VP in the company I work for…and if I hadn’t gone to work for this company, I wouldn’t have met my husband (yes, we met at work…and still work together…so scandalous!). So, isn’t that enough? Can’t I be satisfied with the fact that my decisions in life to attend a certain school and a certain degree led me on the path to me the most important man in my life? And can’t I be happy with the fact that I learned for the sake of learning…for the idea that I can tell my children some day that I worked hard in school and achieved something great so that I could make the DECISION of what to do with my life instead of being forced into some job I hated?
I could go on and on…but my point is…I’m with you. I get it. Expectations imposed by the school you went to are a b****. You did your best in school, you wanted to be surrounded by others who also did their best, you accomplished your goals…and that gives you the right not to question whether you should have sacrificed that for someone else to have a spot. That’s life. That’s just the way it is. Don’t apologize for being smart…your girls will appreciate that someday when they can look up to you for going after something you wanted…and then wanting them (and other dreams) more.
At least…that’s what I keep telling myself :/
Thank you for this insightful, layered, comment and slice of life. You remind me of an important aspect of this conversation, namely that there is something intrinsically valuable about education, about learning and questioning, and our degrees should not just be revered as means to commendable ends.
I am a grammar girl myself, but I think we should all let our prepositions dangle freely once in a while
My experience has been somewhat opposite of yours, yet the feelings of being satisfied where I am are overwhelming. I was an underachieving Honors student at a public high school in rural PA. Accepted quickly to PSU for undergrad degree – proceeded to vastly enjoy the freedom and dropped out with only 1 1/2 yrs. to go. Met ex-husband, already degreed from Vanderbilt, moved to Texas…started to realize what I missed by not finishing my degree. Received a degree in education through the Univ. of Houston (far from prestigious), yet the feeling was of satisfaction of finishing the education in an environment that challenged me on so many levels.
Now, the push is to obtain the master’s – why earn the 24 hrs. beyond the bachelor’s degree and not go for the full master’s degree? I’ll tell you why – because I don’t want to do it. It doesn’t define me and it doesn’t make me a better person, as an individual or teacher, to have it. I’m satisfied being a teacher until retirement years. I love what I do, have no ambitions to become a part of administration or some coordinator of sorts; nor do I believe that I want to shift gears and start over in a new career.
I don’t feel like this in any way is a statement about my lack of using my “gifts” to further myself. Nor do I feel that this is an example of complacency and comfort. I really enjoy the choices I have made and feel satisfied where I am and where I’m headed.
And, those decisions are the ones that make a person content with her life. As well, those decisions come from a lot of examination of one’s life – something that I think you are doing through this blog as well as through your other writing pursuits, through your parenting and the nurturing of your marriage. I believe your education is being put to PERFECT use – it has taught you to think critically, question, examine…and, you are making a difference in the world, even if it is limited to your following audience. Your insights and inquisitiveness gives all of us following your blog the ability to rethink things about our own existence and purpose.
Thank you. For sharing bits and pieces of your own educational and personal path. For underscoring the very idiosyncratic nature of choice. For reminding us that prestige is not the barometer by which to measure our days. It sounds as if your education has served you very well and that you know what you want – and what you don’t. I do think I am gaining a bit of confidence that there is something meaningful buried in this blog – a sense of irreverence and a celebration of questions that we are really conditioned not to ask.
Okay, so this is where I get all academic. I actually wrote my dissertation on privileged young women and their career aspirations. One of the biggest themes that came up when asked about alternative careers–or staying home–or doing something more risky–was this: They ALL said, “But wouldn’t that be a waste of my education?” And my heart ached for them. Sure, I think there’s responsibility that comes with privilege. But I also believe that if you’re doing something because you’re SUPPOSED to, and not because you WANT to, it will ulimately catch up with you and cause more damage (to yourself? your children?) than good. I’m not promoting selfishness…just authenticity. There are a myriad of ways to help people, and to reach out. You needn’t “save the world” to make a difference. Your education is yours, and you were certainly fortunate to have it, but should never apologize for it.
Anne, can I read your dissertation? Seriously. I would love to read it. Please let me know.
You bet…if you’re really interested! Shoot me an e-mail at anne@lifeinpencil.com, and I can send you the article version…it’s MUCH shorter:)
Email sent!
Oh, me too! Sounds fascinating!
See my response to Niki…sure!
I too must read this dissertation. It sounds as if I could have starred in it
You raise a whole host of additional considerations here that I hope to explore down the line… What is selfishness really? How does it evolve when we have kids? Can we live a life traveling paths paved for us and be happy? I really appreciate your expert voice in this conversation. It sounds like others do as well!
I don’t think you are wasting your education, because who’s to say that you would be where you are now with out it? And you may some day go back to law, you will always have that added safety net, and I don’t think we can ever have enough safety nets laying around!
You are right to point out that the law is a wonderful safety net. It’s interesting because most of the time I think of myself as a “lawyer who writes.” Even though I do not formally practice, I guess after all of those years of hard work and passing that horrendous bar exam, I think I have earned my JD and I am reluctant to toss it.
You are you in this very moment because of all it, the schools, the degrees, your childhood, your becoming a wife and mother….
The Ivy League days passed while playing their part in forming this beautiful, smart, witty and loving YOU. They’re part of you, always, even if you aren’t out saving the world with your mad skills in the way that society might expect.
You know you’re doing something important, MANY important things right now in this very day, giving to the world the way you are, in your mothering and outside of it….
…and so you are doing the very things you “should” be doing in this very moment.
Maybe that’s too simple of a response, but I fully believe it. I don’t think you can waste a thing. Even horrible things that we all experience. They till our soil, all the experiences and then our words and wisdom flow out like a crop of all varieties of good things.
I heart you. Just saying.
I think this response is far from simple and very compelling. I do think we often underestimate the ways our experiences – all of them, educational and no – lead us to the moments of our present days. I am a product of these experiences, I am who I am because of them, and I am realizing I need to stop apologizing for where I am and where I am not. Thank you. (I heart you too!)
It probably won’t surprise you to learn that I share some of these feelings. So it might seem – or even be – self-justification when I suggest that, by writing, you are doing a lot for the world. You are asking the tough questions, talking about the hard stuff – of life, of parenting, or being a wife, a daughter, a friend. And that feeling of not alone-ness that you give to this community is not nothing.
After graduating from Yale, I did Teach for America, a fairly big check in the doing-something-good-for-the-world box, and then I taught, another pretty noble pursuit. And now I too wonder if, in my choice to prioritize motherhood and writing, I am “wasting” my degree and not giving back enough. But I’ve forgiven myself more, recognizing that endeavoring to raise good kids and to opening up lines of discussion about stuff nobody talks about is good enough for me. For now. And maybe for awhile.
It doesn’t surprise me at all that you and I are asking some of the same questions. But it is helpful to hear my quandary articulated by others. I do think there is a profound power in writing, in going places we are told not to go, in asking the questions that chase us down, but are so rarely expressed. In these endeavors, I am thrilled to have such a lovely partner in crime!
My college education was a state school, paid for with loans, grants and waitressing money. My own, not my parents. I got a degree in accounting and had a job lined up before I graduated. I worked with people who paid 5x as much for their education. We all did the same thing at work, got the same experiences and went on to get our CPA certifications. So I’m happy w/ my education and me paying my own way made me appreciate it. I’m a working mother now – our kids are in daycare – so there’s a bit of sacrifice, but it’s what we’ve chosen.
GREAT post!
Thank you for popping by and leaving a comment! I think it is incredible that you paid your way through school and that your education has served you so well. I also have tremendous respect for you and other working mothers out there. I never quite know how to categorize myself these days as I am indeed working (a lot), but from home and flexibly, but I know that it is not easy to work outside of the home with kids in daycare. Ultimately, it’s all about choice and we should all own and celebrate the ones we make.
I have been reading your blog for some time now, and I think this is the first time I have posted, but this topic just hits so close to home. See I often feel that I wasted so much money going out of state to a private school for Undergrad and then to the Univ. of TX (also out of state) for graduate school to finish everything but my Thesis because I just was not feeling inspired to finish it anymore. I felt a calling to go into the missions field, leave this profession I groomed myself for the past 8 years. I have now worked in the profession for two years, and HATE it. I am so ready to leave and be doing what I want vs. doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am leaving this summer and moving to Honduras to start a youth soccer league and I can not wait!!! So while I am not leaving my “supposed to” for family, I completely feel that I am leaving for a higher calling and plan on using the experiences I received at both universities, including both academic and athletic. I have come to realize that more often than not the reason we think we are doing what we are doing, and the actual reason it is happening are two completely different things, and how blessed are we that this is true!
A youth soccer league! In Honduras! How wonderful. Note that very few schools out there would explicitly prepare you for that, but I have no doubt that, as you say, your athletic and academic experiences have provided you with incomparable tools to succeed at this amazing something new. Yes, isn’t it amazing that our own reasons are often opaque to us?
I read an article on the NY Times web site just a couple months ago about this very thing:
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/09/20/national/20women.html
My complaints are two-fold (neither of which is about your writing; this subject just gets my back up):
First, I find it irritating that so many people seem to think that an education is only as valuable as the paycheck it will bring in. In that case, why do they offer degrees in philosophy? Or history? Or Medieval Lit? Why isn’t the chance for new experiences enough? Why don’t we value the expansion of our minds more than the potential future expansion of our bank accounts? I didn’t go to an ivy league school (though my alma mater was very good), and my degree is in a pseudoscience, but I met amazing people and learned amazing things. I am a better person and a better citizen for having attended college, and if I never did anything with my degree, I don’t think that we can call that “wasted.”
Second, why is the work that a stay-at-home mom does considered so much less than that of a working woman, whether mom or not, that society doesn’t see the value in educating those women too? Children whose parents are educated are more likely to pursue education for themselves. If all you are doing is showing your daughters that education and critical thinking are aspects to value in themselves and others, why is that not enough? It makes you a better person and helps them grow.
I know you’re not saying that you espouse these social flaws, but this just makes me GAH! I could go on forever (really shouldn’t, since I’m supposed to be working), but ultimately, I think the point is that people should be valued for more than just their paychecks, and it feels like society doesn’t see anything beyond that. What is wrong with people?
For my own experience, I enjoyed school and considered getting a law degree, but decided that applying to law school wasn’t going to happen while I was taking 18 credit hours the first semester of my senior year and trying to plan a wedding long-distance. Thinking about it now, I never really wanted to go to law school–or rather, I wanted the degree to say I’d done it, but I didn’t want to be a lawyer; I am perfectly happy with the degree I got and the career path I’ve taken (I work in publishing). I don’t really want a graduate degree, but if I did go back to school, I’d probably end up looking at something like graphic design.
My biggest insecurity abotu education is wondering if I’m pushing my husband into opportunities that he doesn’t necessarily want or if I’m just being encouraging. I’m definitely more of a go-getter for him than for myself.
Thank you for the article link. I will certainly check it out. You raise so many interesting points, but the one that grabs me is about the differential value we ascribe to mothers who stay at home and those who “work.” Reality? All mothers work. And hard. (Stay tuned for another provocative post on this very topic.) I think it is incredibly important that parents are educated and bequeath a desire to learn to their children. I am also very interested in pursuing further the idea that we can be vicariously ambitious for our partners…
There I go, unconsciously engendering social stigmas. I would never purposely argue that homemakers/SAHMs aren’t working. Good gracious, my own mother would kill me!
Perhaps the term “career-oriented” might have been more appropriate?
I often have similar thoughts. Although not from an Ivy League school, I have my MBA and certificates showing the honors I received. All that work. All that studying. All that passion. And now, it all just sits on paper. But the pride I feel having worked so hard and done so well, is enough I’ve decided. I will always have these degrees. No one can ever take them away from me. I proved a lot to myself (and to some nay sayers in my world) that I could do it, and I did. And maybe one day, I’ll go back to work and need to show these degrees again on my resume, or maybe not. Either way, I’m proud and that’s never a waste.
Agreed. Those degrees, those experiences? They are permanent. As is the pride you rightly wear as you go about your days doing what you love – tending to the precarious and lovely drama of your life as mama. For me, you have raised another interesting question about whether (and how often) we do things to offer proof or evidence of our abilities, whether we do things because we want to or to demonstrate to the world (and ourselves) that we are able…
In light of the insightful and articulate comments that have already been offered here I would assert, Aidan, that you are stimulating bright and curious minds with your thoughts and questions. And that, in and of itself, has real value.
But additionally I would assert that our educations are ours to use, not justify. You owe no one an explanation for your choices. You use your education every day. As you write both fiction and nonfiction; as you engage in conversation; as you set an example for your girls; in each of these things you use your education. And no one in this world has a podium from which they are entitled to tell you that your life would be more valuable spent as a mechanized drone in a giant ivory tower.
The day your insecurities might have merit is the day you stop using your education; stop thinking critically; stop asking questions. But I don’t see that day coming any time soon.
Words. Thoughts. Questions. Yes, these things matter, don’t they? Thank you for the reminder. Intellectually, I know that podium does not exist, but still, I sometimes feel the voices floating from it. Or maybe they are from me?
You wanted to go to school to accomplish certain goals in your life and you did. That is enough – you’re not expected to “use” your degree/education if its not makes you truly deeply happy.
What’s “meaningful” anyway? It’s what you make meaningful.
And I think its good you went to school first and then decided you wanted to raise a family and write versus just not going and then wondering, “what could have been.”
Meaning is indeed up to us to define. I have never once regretted the degrees I have received and the work I have done. I do think this work, and these degrees, are affecting me in good ways that I can’t necessarily see perfectly or articulate.
Damn, this post hits close to home.
I don’t have an ivy league education, but I do have a good education from an expensive, private university. And I have an additional two-year degree after that. And I use…none of it.
Except for here, writing (one degree is in English). And except for volunteering. So I dabble. But I worry that I’ve wasted it. And the irony is, I am and always have been far more self-motivated and goal-oriented than my husband, who DOES use his degree. And actually earns a paycheck with it (go figure). And I have a lot of insecurity about that.
On the other hand, I know I’m lucky to be able to be home, and when push comes to shove, I keep choosing to be here, using my resources HERE, with my kids. I just can’t decide how I feel about that most days. Thanks for putting this down in words so well.
It is good to know that I am not entirely alone in this periodic sentiment that I have wasted my education. I think that our education hovers like a innocuous cloud over us. Or over me, at least. I feel its presence, its pressure, and this is not necessarily a bad thing. I think these questions are good to ask and these discussions are important to have. But this cloud? It does cause insecurity and doubt from time to time.
This is a very interesting post for me (and timely too) because I have pondered that very question in regards to my older sister. She is due in mid-April with her first child, but has some fancy degrees to her name and is rapidly rising up the corporate ladder. Even though I’m one of the biggest fans of babies I know, I can admit I had wondered what the point of all her education was.
But you’re right. Your education shapes who you are and how you think and I was getting to a similar conclusion as you, but you got there faster and much more articulately. Thank you for clarifying for me that your education enriches your life no matter where you work (at home or on Wall Street) or who your boss is (your baby or a partner in a law firm). I do feel that since I understand this point more completely, I can be an even better sister to my big sister.
I am thrilled that something in the clumsy, honest words above hit you in such a way that you will be able to offer more support to your sister. I do think that all of us – and society as a whole – needs to recognize that education creates people, not robots. And people who go on to do very different and meaningful things. And babies? They are the toughest bosses I have ever had
Ah, the world of should, should, shoulds. Such an extensive exploration we all had yesterday about the subject and see how it spills over into every facet of our lives? No matter how we want to abolish the term, we are wired from birth to adhere. And so part of me would say yes, if it were an unnamed person with your education history, that person would be ‘wasting’ her education. And not just education, opportunities. The life of privilege. The kind of life where one is positioned for greatness and capable of changing the world if only just a little. (Guilt! Blah!)
But it is not an unnamed person here. It is you, Aidan. And what little I know of you from this blog is beautiful. You are a dedicated, hard-working, caring human being doing what you must to stay true to yourself. It really doesn’t matter what others think. And what’s more, who is to say that in 5 or 10 years your priorities won’t shift dramatically? As our kids grow up, things change.
I have been inspired by you and other talented bloggers to do what makes me happy. Of course, it isn’t all that simple when “Co-Bread-Winner” is part of my title. However we all have to balance wants and musts regardless of financial obligations.
You have hit on something profound here. I think that when I step outside of myself (impossible I know) and look at myself, who I am and what I have and where I have been, I see a person who is squandering an elite education, who is dabbling in self-absorbed pursuits (not including the motherhood portion). But from here, being me, I feel like my education served as a tremendous foundation for my life and I love my life and my work. So, inhabiting myself and its myriad insecurities even, I feel surges of confidence (new and lovely) that this really is meaningful, whatever it is I am doing. And so we have it. That haunting dichotomy between the internal and external view of things…
(Do what makes you happy. In the way you can manage within the context of your practical reality. You owe it to yourself.)
Thanks for the little notes you have been leaving me. Maybe one day soon my name will appear in pink rather than blue
I have a bunch of fancy degrees from fancy schools (English degree, master’s in journalism, law degree). And now I practice corporate tax law and sometimes think “TAX law? Really?” I also have been a high school teacher, a journalist, a yoga teacher. I kept moving around, trying to find the right place for my so-called talent and education. Now that I’m a lawyer I still second-guess and think: Shouldn’t I be a prosecutor? An immigration attorney? And sometimes I think: Shouldn’t I be home with my children? Aren’t they the most important thing?
I think for achieving, sensitive people who care about the world there will always be a “should”. When I debated going to law school at 30 (weren’t my other two degrees enough? Did I really want to be a lawyer?), my mother said: “Your education is a major investment that no one can ever take away.” And I agree: it is an investment and you’ll always have it and, as a previous commentor wrote, it is a safety net (might you not be as happy being a mother/writer if you didn’t know that, if the world you know should somehow come tumbling down, you could go back to that law firm if you had to? Think “The Good Wife”: my current favorite show. Oh, how I wish I had come up with that idea…)
College (not so much j-school for some reason – I was too young, I think) and law school gave me far more than an education or skills for a career. They boosted my self confidence, exposed me to ideas and amazing people. If I never read another book with my fancy English degree nor practice another day of law, these experiences made me the person I am — insecure, yes, but slowly figuring it out. That’s the value… I could really expound on this topic for hours, I feel so passionate about the whole issue and think about it so much, but I’ll spare all of you.
Cheers!
Education is a major investment – financially, existentially, socially – that no one can ever strip from us. Our education does not ebb and flow with the stock market or our health. It is there. A sturdy rock on which we can stand and lean. And always. It’s good to be reminded of this, so thank you. Education creates people – and, yes, insecurities. It does not just create corporate cogs and fat paychecks. It creates smiles and questions and conversations… The list goes on and on and on. (But I won’t!)
Very profound and yet it would so very universal. I wonder why there is such clarity when we are actually attending these institutions, that our paths are often without question. Now, just when we need to feel the most secure in our lives because of the uncertainty that is pervasive in motherhood, this clarity fails us. I feel so provoked by your post, I can identify. I was struck by this phrase: “To confess shards of complicated truth. To expose cracks.” It’s precisely what I’ve found in my own blogging. An opportunity to expose myself in a way that I never have before. I’m only starting to go there, as it would seem are you. I’m eager to read more, because it’s so reassuring to know there are others who feel the same.
Isn’t it amazing that with years, with ostensible maturity, things become far less clear? I think when we are younger, we are less inclined to see the cracks in existence and the world and as we grow up, we learn to see the cracks and the grays. I actually celebrate this, but it is not easy. I am so thrilled you popped by this neck of the bloggy woods. I have seen your name in the comment boxes of some of my favorite cyber colleagues and have been meaning to check out your digs. And now I must!
I’ve thought about this a lot, since I went to college for Nursing yet have been out of that longer than I was in it. But my first published pieces were in Nursing journals, and I could never regret those experiences. My 19 year old daughter, in all her self-righteousness, has accused me of wasting my education. Being home. Yes, I’ve written and published sporatically, but mainly I was parenting. I try to explain it was my choice, but they don’t get it. And now my turn is here. I probably do feel I have something to prove, even tho I know I shouldn’t.
Provacative post…
Now you have me wondering whether some of my doubts and insecurities on this comment are manifesting now because I am a mother. Maybe now that I am raising two bright little girls, I am worrying about how they will see me. Will they see me as a good example, or will they judge something about the path I have chosen. I don’t know. I can only imagine what it must like to speak with grown children about these very complicated topics. I look forward to such discussions, but I am happy I have a little time to prepare for them
Whenever I am lamenting my position in life to someone I almost always preface it with either: I know my problems are the best kind of problems to have or I realize that having choices is a luxury. There most definitely is a privilege component and sometimes, on the days I feel like I am wasting my education, this makes me feel guilty. But I also know that I worked damn hard, things were not handed to me, and even though I am not working in the field I trained for at fancy pants universities, that education made me who I am, got me to today, and it fuels all my activities – just in a more indirect way.
You raise the issue of good problems. Aren’t problems problems even if they are about things like pressure and privilege? I think so. Angst is angst. Questions are questions. Choice is a luxury, but it is also hard.
No experience (good, bad, or privileged) is ever wasted if you learn something from it. I don’t have a big name education or an advanced degree. My career field isn’t even the same as my major. But I LOVE what I do at work and at home. No regrets at all.
But now I’m looking at college from a parent’s point of view. I have two teenage sons. Of course I want them to go to excellent schools and have amazing careers. My eldest is on track for the US Naval Academy and I couldn’t be prouder.
I like the idea that nothing is wasted if it teaches a lesson. It is these lessons – formal and intuited – that collectively make us who we are, right? I am beginning to ponder the reality that many of these questions are different when considered from the platform of parent versus person. Kids don’t just add a dose of love and chaos to our world; They make us see and think differently.
I’ve been pondering my comment all afternoon. Do I view my children’s college educations and potential careers differently than my own because I’m now a parent or because they are male? Would my expectations be different if I had daughters instead? Or would I expect daughters to work even harder to prove themselves?
Oh Aidan, the can of worms you open on a daily basis.
This post really hit home. I’m doing things that have NOTHING to do with my degree. Truth be told, I’m sure they could be done by someone degree-less. I knew in college I was headed on the wrong path, but I wanted to get out to get married, have a house and have dogs. Now when people ask what my degree is in, I’m a bit embarassed. I’ve got an application in my car that I’m pretty sure I’ll mail tomorrow. And I quite possibly may embark on a 3 year journey to get something relevant that interests me.
I don’t regret choosing my major because it inevitably led me to my husband. But I do wish I had stuck around another year and a half and got a different degree. Hindsight is 20/20. But now I know what’s in demand in the atmosphere I enjoy. So I’m a bit more informed if I do decide to do another degree.
You got your feet wet in law. It’s not like you graduated and immediately decided to do something different. There’s nothing to be ashamed about and your efforts were not wasted. You have a beautiful family and a budding writing career. I’m sure your schooling helped inspire that.
I vote 3 year journey! I say that knowing close to nothing about what it is, so keep that in mind. Your perspective is right on – The path you walked led to your husband. There is nothing to regret about that, huh?
At some point, no matter where our thought-journey originates, be it in a classroom or on a trapline, we all are given the choice to either enroll in the school of life willingly or be enrolled by circumstances beyond our control.
Education is only wasted on those who do not learn; sadly, they are destined to repeat the lesson- whether or not that be within the walls of a classroom or in life.
There is life inside life; you’ve discovered this with a sense of wonder, appreciation and raw honesty. That’s what keeps me coming back to read what you write; and even more so, to join the discussion.
The sum of all the parts IS greater than the whole.
“There is life within life.” Thank you for this cryptic bit. I love your cryptic bits. I also love and believe that education is only wasted on those who don’t learn. And I have learned. In a zigzagging, non-linear way, but I have learned. Also? Life is a school, isn’t it? We never graduate and I am fine with that.
Your life is just beginning. Life takes bold and unpredictable turns. You use your education every day. Every single day.
What will become difficult for you is wanting the same things you had for your children. Tread carefully here. It’s a different world.
My husband stopped lawyering many, many years ago. Guess what? He’s back doing it again. This time on his terms and he is loving it.
One never knows.
One never knows. That is absolutely right. And sitting here, young but adult, I am both fearful of the unknown and in love with it.
“What will become difficult for you is wanting the same things you had for your children. Tread carefully here. It’s a different world.” – I am curious to know what exactly you meant by this? What I had in terms of education? Are you pointing out the truth that it is exceedingly difficult these days to matriculate to my alma maters?
Didn’t know you were a fellow lawyer
No education is wasted. Good, bad, or indifferent – whatever your experience – there are lessons you take and use in living. That you loved your education says it all. It’s part of what got you to where you are. And it seems to suit you. Thinking otherwise is falling prey to more “shoulds.”
I like this idea, deceptively simple, that no education is wasted. There is always a virtue in learning. How do we avoid falling prey to the suffocating shoulds of our world? Is there something we can do to bolster our immunity to them? Does writing and asking help? I sure hope so.
I think higher education is valuable in itself, not in how you use it.
The inherent value is in learning more about the world and about yourself. I loved my undergrad education – it was during those years that I feel I came into my own (although of course, we continue to work on “growing up” all our lives). I started to refine my values, I challenged my childhood beliefs, I made my closest friends. And of course, I learned about world history and psychology and economics.
My grad school was even more fun. (Can you tell, I have an insatiable curiosity and love of learning?) Carefully analyzing theories and research, conducting studies, making “big idea” hypotheses. Great stuff to stretch your mind.
And for society as a whole, the value of higher education is (hopefully) more informed people. In the US, we live in a participatory democracy. The strength of our nation relies on informed voters who ask difficult questions and think critically about the issues. Globally, I believe higher education prepares us all to play our role in addressing climate change, health care, poverty, etc.
Yes, I can tell you have an insatiable curiosity and love of learning. That is why I am so thrilled when you chime into these thorny conversations. What I am realizing from this comment and from all that precede it is that the virtue of education is immensely textured and somewhat unknowable. Education is not a simple means to an end. It is a foundation, a home, a thing we carry with us whoever we are and wherever we go.
(As an aside, I am just now – NOW – realizing why it is so important for me to respond to comments. Sure, it demonstrates respect, but it also helps me stumble toward answers to these questions that matter – and deeply – to me. I am not sure I will be able to keep up with all of these insightful comments going forward, but I will try because this is fun and incredibly rewarding.)
No Ivy League here, but a mother who decided to continue her education against all the odds. Many people asked me while I was in school [with my baby girl by my side] what I was going to do following graduation. I received many raised eyebrows because I said I was going to be a full-time mom.
The thing is, I knew getting an education was what I needed to do. I didn’t care that I wasn’t going to use it in a career, because, overall, it made me a better person. I do not regret continuing my education with a little baby in my arms. Nor do I regret choosing to stay at home rather than work. It felt right. And, in the words of Kelly Diels, feeling right is often the best excuse to say no (or yes).
First of all, you do work. Harder than most of us. Stay tuned for a post about conceptions of work. I think you hit the nail on the head – education (often) makes us better people and by extension, better wives and mothers and citizens of this world. Love that bit from Kelly. Oh, is she right.
I think the world needs more people to follow their passion (like you) regardless of what’s expected of them and their education. It’s the only way, I think, to have a real shot at happiness and living the way life is meant to be lived.
Kudos to you for exploring the taboo and the big bad questions that many among us are too afraid to ask.
Ah, passion. It’s a wonderful and tricky thing. I wonder how many people know what there passion is and do not follow it. I would guess that many people who are not pursuing their passion have not found it, or taken the time to find it. But, yes, passion should be our guidepost. (I say this knowing full well that this is a naive and utterly non-practical statement.)
Taboo? I am kind of magnetically attracted to taboo subjects these days. Stay tuned for posts on vaccinations, infidelity, lying, money, plastic surgery, abortion, gay marriage. I’m not kidding. I think any topic can be explored in a thoughtful way. And I plan to try!
THIS is one of the many reasons I come here – the super-charged, healthy, compassionate discussions your writing invokes. I have been sitting here, reading, fascinated with all the other stories that came pouring out of other sweet souls. No, Aidan, you did not waste your education. And the dialogue here is living proof.
Jane, this is indeed a good one. I sit here too, watching the comments come in – just like this one from you – smiling and nodding that something is happening here. Ideas are floating, stories are being told, understanding is being approached. THIS? This is it for me. This is dialogue. This is connection. This is life.
“Because as time passes, my own worries are becoming less opaque and I want to explore them. Because I think that in tracing the contours of my own insecurity, I am surprisingly gaining confidence. I think I am beginning to believe that my education hasn’t been wasted, but has been put to very good use.” You are living, loving, and growing, as you find yourself, and through it you’re sharing it with others. Some of this your education has prepared you for, and some of the way has been paved through your self growth process.Either way, it’s beautiful. Sounds like you’re following your heart and that’s usually the best way to go.
I do think so much of this is about growth, about being awash in uncertainty as we work through our days mid-evolution. I think this evolution is part organic, part calculated, and I think it has a genesis in education and so many other factors. I think what I am dealing with is the dregs of expectations that come with such a big education. I think I feel confident that I am paving a good road for myself, but that I have moments (oh and I do) where I feel the lurking of those ominous shoulds.
My initial thoughts were similar to so many before me in that you work. Raising children contributes more to the world than we realize. Then, our children begin making impacts on others and we see what our contributions have been.
I have two degrees – an associates in recreational uses of forest lands and a BS in Business Administration. One was from a very exclusive, at the time, private school. The other from an out of state land grant university. I loved every second I spent at both institutions. I was accepted as some of the top business schools in the country and about to make a decision as to which I would attend when I found out I was pregnant with my oldest. I still haven’t gotten the MBA but toy with it occasionally. Unfortunately, I have trouble justifying the cost as I do not use my education too much at the moment with what I do.
Does this mean my formal education was wasted? No, it means I use what I learned – from tree identification to marketing analysis to critical thinking to technical writing – in volunteering, in raising my kids, in my business.
Thank you for this reminder that education contributes in profound and intangible ways to the life we come to lead. I think that we are wired to be plotters and planners – or society foists these expectations upon us – and life has a way of switching things up. I think our schooling shapes us in ways we can feel, and deeply, but cannot articulate. And raising kids, good kids? Tremendously hard work and tremendously important. When will our society start calling motherhood a career? Because it is.
I could have been more than I am now and still might yet be. I have an enormous capacity for learning things in a short time and then regurgitating that information in a way that is easy to understand.
I used to have 9 percent bodyfat and could run all day and all night long. Could have made a great trainer.
Turning 40 was hard for me, far harder than I ever expected it to be. I spent a lot of time thinking about things I mentioned above and many others.
But one night I just accepted that I am who I am and that I have done what I have done. But that doesn’t have to define me forever nor does it have to be viewed negatively.
You and I and so many others here are parents. We influence the world every day. It may not be huge, but the things we teach our children have impact. Little ripples from the pebbles we drop in the pond.
P.S. I chose that avatar to remind me of the possibilities that still exist. I still hike up to that rock and I look out and see potential.
Our kids are like that…potential.
“Little ripples from the pebbles we drop in the pond.” I love this line. And I love that you are at once open to new vistas and accepting of the landscape that is your life – and your self – so far. I love the avatar, what it represents. Potential is everything. Potential in life, in love, in our little ones.
I am not Ivy League material. I went to the party school that is not even on the top 10 list they make every year…it is in a league of its own…University of Wisconsin Madison. We know how to play hard and work hard. It was a wild ride and I wish that I had paid attention more…and really investigated what made me tick rather than picking something that I was naturally good at but not really invested in. My degree was in secondary education/English and I was a 7th grade English teacher. But only for 5 yrs. The last 13.5 have been wasted since I left teaching but I don’t think that I would go back anyway. I sometimes feel that since I didn’t stay a teacher that I wasted that degree. But I have learned much more since then, and once a teacher always a teacher, so I guess it is not wasted. I am just not getting paid to teach people any more!
The question of opportunities is one that is near to my heart. Here is my quote, my words, that is on my blog, and you (or your faithful readers) are free to share it (with credit to me, of course!)
“The doors of opportunity are opening around us all the time. You have to have the vision to see what is possible on the other side and the courage to walk through them. You never know what opportunities for greatness are waiting for you.” ~ Erin Prais-Hintz
(Someday those words of wisdom will show up in one of those who’s who quotation books. I just know it.;-)
Every single opportunity I have had has been the perfect storm of where I was, who I knew and how I worked that opportunity. It didn’t just happen. I had to help it along and recognize it for the opportunity it was. There are so many things that we do daily to hold ourselves back, but if you freely let that go and boldly walk forward over that threshold a whole room of doors of opportunity and choices will be waiting. (Now I must excuse myself and go and open a few doors I have been shy about opening. Ahem.)
I do feel that I am wasting time. Maybe that is becuase I am older. In my 4th decade. Stuck in a lackluster job that is sucking the very soul from my being. But every moment that I spend not enjoying this rich life is one that I cannot get back. (Again. Must excuse self to go and kick said self in arse for not listening to me.)
Thank you for sharing your insight and inspiration today, Miss Aidan. And most of all for making me think.
Enjoy the day!
Erin
It is all about doors, isn’t it? Those that are open, those that are closed, those that are locked, those that don’t even exist. How we see life’s doors, *if* we see them, is so important to who we are and who we become. The sad thing, the tragic thing, is if we get to a point where all we see is walls and think there is nowhere to go. I love your quote – and your attitude and thank you for sharing both here.
I think that part of the “problem” is found in the overachiever part of you. I went to college at the University of Pennsylvania, and knew that I was expected to “do something” with my education. It was a wonderful education and I loved being at UPenn. I went on to law school, was a lawyer and never felt truly fulfilled. I think it was because I was always trying to live up to the image, the idea of what an Ivy League graduate was, and that’s just a person, in the end, who has a really good education.
I’m rambling, I know. Essentially, I want to say that you are doing great things. Your writing alone would be enough to say “I’ve done things,” but you don’t stop there. You write blogs and books, and you touch all of us with your wisdom and insight. And, thrown into that, you have a family and are a phenomenal, very in-touch friend. Shit, Aidan, you’re that kind of friend to us, people you only know in writing! I can only imagine how “there” you must be for those nearest to you.
You, dear, have wasted nothing. You will waste nothing. Your life is your own. Keep doing all of the truly wonderful things with it you’ve been doing. Be happy.
I had no idea you were/are a lawyer! I love the lurking lawyers and lawyers of latter day on this site
You capture something important, if elusive, here. That there is a mythic vision of the Ivy League grad – of a creature who excels and exceeds expectations, who does big and great things. But I think even those of us who went to Ivies and know better are foolish enough to buy this sometimes. The reality, the good reality in my estimation, is that we are people. People who have enjoyed incomparable opportunity and who are using our education in very different, divergent ways. I think we all need to try to move away from caricatures, from categories, from expectations that we unwittingly perpetuate.
I don’t think an education is ever wasted. It probably sounds cliche but I think we’re all a sum of our experiences, and that includes education. Those experiences helped shape who you are as a person, a writer, a mother, a wife. You are doing what you love and that is wonderful!
You are absolutely right in pointing out that we are the sum of our experiences and that education, whatever education, is just one variable in the important equation of identity. Thank you for this comment and this reminder!
I don’t think I’ve ever posted on here before. But, I have a good reason, because I’m a senior in high school and I accidentally stumbled on your blog while searching for more information about colleges (hah, the irony), and I usually don’t have much to say about parenthood (except that I do think your kids are absolutely adorable).
This post though, is very relevant to my life right now. I go to a really competitive public school and just like you, my circle of friends and I also plow through the toughest courses in our school and run numerous after-school activites, hoping that maybe we’ll hit the Ivies. I never quite understood why though. Even as an Ivy League applicant myself, I’m not exactly sure what I want to get out of the degree (or why I want it from that specific place). I think we were just raised to think that going to an Ivy League would help us reach the places in life that were only meant for the privileged. In a sense, Ivy = more happiness later in life.
Also, I think you really brought up a great point about “should.” I have countless number of friends (who recently got into Columbia and UPenn, and other elite schools) who talk about how they have to get that MBA from Harvard B-school, or the JD from Yale Law just to be worth something. And with that degree they can one day rule the world (or…their respective field of interest I suppose). I guess it honestly comes down to why you want to learn, and what you want out of it. Right now, not only am I tired of the admissions game (since it doesn’t seem to have too many rules to it), but I have an internal war going on inside of me. One side is saying that only those who win a chance to go to either Harvard, Princeton, or Yale end up with happier, and more fulfilled lives (which, I know is completely false, but it’s hard to dismiss that thought when nearly everyone around you is HYP crazy). And the other side is saying, forget all this, and just do what you love and go to a college that understands you. Maybe this is me trying to console myself, should I not get into an Ivy (and, in the process, somewhat fail at living up to my parent’s expectations). But I think you have proved to me that an Ivy League education really can’t give you somethings. And that maybe doing what you love is the best policy to follow.
I just hope that like you, I end up finding something to give my whole heart to. Something that I’ll love so much, that I wouldn’t care about where I ended up going to school (does that make sense? Is that possible? I don’t know.).
Shelby – not Aidan here, but her sister C. I just finished the bar exam today and graduated from the illustrious Yale Law this past spring. Can I tell you the things I am most proud of in my life? The paper I wrote about Moby Dick my junior year in high school. My senior essay in college. My son. I was about to type “not in this order” because of course I “should” be most pround of my son, but I don’t see it as a competition. I think that you live your life and there are amazing moments and accomplishments along the way, each tailored to the stage and mind-frame you are in. It sounds like you have already had your share of accomplishments, and many years from where you are now, what you have already done may still rank up there with the best of them. Though I am an Ive League-er, like my wonderful sister, and loved it, at bottom I didn’t love it because it was the Ivy League. It was because college/law school was an amazing time to get to know myself, to meet my best friends in the world, and, for me, to ultimately meet my husband. Not knowing a thing about you, I can already tell that you have an incredible four years ahead of you. While you seem amazingly self-aware now, know that that will expand to places you never dreamed possible, wherever you go! Good luck
C – That you finished up the dreaded bar exam and came here the very same night to chime into this important conversation really means the world to me. I know your voice is appreciated by my readers too. What amazes me, what really amazes me, is that this is such a significant and tricky conversation and one that you and I both have strong feelings and emotions about. And yet. We never really sit down and talk about these things. Or not enough at least. And I do not think this is for any good reason other than that life gets in the way and time is never there. Frankly, this right here brings me clarity as to why I started this blog in the first place. (Amazing how these things become evident over time.) I think I have been missing these seminar-esque exchanges, getting fired up about ideas. What is so incredible is that I am not just starting conversations with new friends in this virtual world, but starting them – and having them – with you and others who are my favorite people in the real world. This is really amazing.
I do hope you consider contributing to ILI. Now that the bar is over, I am going to start harassing you about this. Consider yourself warned
I’m actually really looking forward to learning more about the world (and people, and myself) when I get to college (regardless of where I go). It’s an odd comfort knowing that there’s a lot more to learn out there.
And yay, you’re done! I hope you got that same feeling I got after taking SATs for the last time (I’m blissfully ignoring the fact that I have many more standardized tests to take in life before I have an actual career.).
Good luck, Shelby. I wish that I had had an ILI to read when I was at your stage in life. So many things might have gone differently. Instead I was one of the “good girl” lemmings who unquestioningly did what I “should.” (I even earned the JD and I’m still paying for it, literally and figuratively.) Thankfully, and purely by the grace of God, I ended up at a wonderful university. It was non-Ivy, but very well-respected. It was academically rigorous, but also lots of fun. It was a perfect college experience for me. I hope you find the perfect one for you too. Who knows, maybe it will be an ivy.
Emily – Thanks for chiming into this important conversation. Recently, I have been asked to come back and speak at Yale. To talk about pursuing a more creative route in the wake of my education. And I am so excited about the opportunity and hope it works out. But I also want to make sure that I am not sending the message here – or at Yale – that pursuing an Ivy League education or a more traditional professional path in its aftermath is not a good thing. I certainly wouldn’t have wanted someone to come tell me not to be a lawyer. Even though I am not practicing, I don’t regret my legal education. To the extent that it was a “mistake,” it is one that I am thrilled to have made as I view it as a stepping stone to where I am now. So, ultimately, I have mixed feelings about dispensing wisdom – intentionally or no – to kids who are so young. That said, Shelby certainly seems like a wise soul and I am thrilled to have her here and participating in this important discussion.
It’d be nice to end up at an Ivy (because even if I don’t exactly feel a connection with the ones I’ve applied to, they are undoubtedly great schools). I just hope I find a place where I can work hard, and play hard[er]. And thanks for the luck! I will need it come April when decisions come out. =)
To the extent that it came across that I encourage anyone NOT to do something, whether law school or otherwise, I want to clarify. I have no business telling anyone, much less strangers what to do and not to do and I am fully aware of that. (See Aidan’s earlier post re: Advice.) All I meant by my previous comment regarding my personal decision to go to a fancy law school was that it wasn’t right for me. It wasn’t even a “decision,” as I gave it no thought. I just did it because I “should” and it seemed safe. And if I had had the foresight–or maybe courage?–to reflect on what my real interests, passions and life goals were (the kinds of reflections encouraged here on your blog), I would have gone a different direction. That direction likely would have been a different graduate degree even, so I’m definitely not against pursuing higher education. Maybe the decision would have been a different law school, but one with a more reasonable price tag so I would not be stuck with student loans that force me to practice “high-octane” law and would allow me to do something that feels meaningful. Who knows. I try not to dwell on what I can’t change. The point is, I needed to take the reins of my life sooner and I am glad for Shelby that she is doing that and thinking these thoughts at a young age.
Shelby – I am so happy and honored that you took the time to write your exceeding thoughtful comment here. It’s so interesting because I was just talking to my mother at lunch the other day and she said that she read somewhere that high school kids do not read blogs. And I hadn’t thought about that, but it seemed that she was right. And I was thinking what a shame that is because so many of the questions that are asked and explored on blogs are universal life questions that have genuine application to all of us. And imagine how thrilled and touched I was to come and see that you had left this comment. I am pleased that sister C weighed in here too because she articulated my feelings on this better than I ever could. It is so easy to get caught up in the race, in the collective dreaming, in the expectations that pour like rain in a competitive high school setting. But I think that if you can let some of these questions about ultimate joy and passion percolate at your age, you will be far ahead of the pack. Judging from your comment alone, its depth, its searching essence, I am confident that you will land somewhere great and find wonderful opportunities. I really do hope you keep coming by ILI and maybe spread the word among your compatriots.
I should probably thank you. I think my first thought when I came on to this blog (this was when my senior year was just starting), was how could anyone use the terms “Ivy League” and “Insecurities” in the same sentence. As someone who is just starting to get increasingly insecure about life (hooray for growing up), I found this blog to be something that kept on telling me that I was sane, and that it was okay to question and be confused about…well, stuff. I just wish that I could tell my peers some of the things you talk about (well, I could, but it’s sometimes hard to get a nice flowing conversation about life when Lady Gaga’s new hit single is coming out). A part of me tells me that this blog is going to be something I will grow up with through my young adult years (and maybe after that. But thinking about things after that is just too scary at this point.).
I stopped by to say a QUICK thank you for visiting my blog, and instead have spent the past 30 minutes or so reading this post and the responses your blog has inspired.
So refreshing to find a smart, articulate group of women discussing the same thing that haunts us all, Ivy league education or not: Does my life have meaning, and am I living up to my full potential? I’ve never had the privilege of choosing to stay home with my children or attend a fancy school; I’ve spent my entire adult life balancing raising 2 sons on my own, while working full-time, scrambling for pennies and attending various colleges at night. My education (well past an MA at this point!) and experiences as a mother and college student are vastly different than yours, but the ability to write and think and create and question is the true value of both of our educations, and the ability to raise happy, whole children is the true point of motherhood. You have many blessings that others do not. And so? isn’t it enough to be doing exactly what you are already doing: expressing a universally felt modern woman’s concern and creating a dialog that other women can connect with?
If you feel a need to do something bigger than that, I’m certain you can make that happen too.
The message and the dialog that I am creating resonates with other issues that concern modern women, and I am delivering it in a vastly different format than you, but I think we are both doing something that is way off the traditional career ladder thing: taking a passion and a talent and a running with it, whether anyone else thinks its important or not.
BTW, thanks for stopping by my blog!
Thank you for coming by, Elizabeth. And thank you for reminding me that these questions, these important questions about meaning and potential and self-worth, are really universal. Irrespective of pedigree or resume or portfolio, we are all wrestling with these issues and constantly and I do think that we come to use our education in remarkable and intangible ways. I do think – I am beginning to at least – that engendering these debates in discussion, in encouraging a commingling of voices and stories, is important work. And, ultimately, I am thrilled to be doing it alongside you and so many others who have chimed in here.
I do hope that you continue to pop by this neck of the bloggy woods to leave your words!
without a doubt! I love your writing, and am so impressed by the time and care you take to respond to each of your readers.
Everyone needs a little Jewish grandmother to say that a good education is never wasted, so, though not your grandmother (nor anyone’s) I’ll tell you that.
I think that we all have a particular job to do in our lives, beyond the raising of the kids, the working on the marriages. I think that having a great education will help you find that purpose more quickly. I think that anything I’ve done has been in spite of my education at Arizona state unversities, in classes that were, for the most part, uninspired and uninspiring, and so it’s taken me much longer.
So don’t feel bad about it, feel fortunate and loved and find out what’s next.
I like this idea that in many ways education is a priceless and imperfect compass that leads us more readily to what we should be doing. I wonder if this is always the case, or whether the efficacy of that compass depends in large part on how we experience and enjoy our schooling?
Thank you for being my honorary Jewish grandmother!
I am a Waspy little grandmother who has lived through many paralyzing years of insecurity over my “underachievement” following a fine education. So I will say it.
At this point in life, I finally understand that NOTHING is wasted. Not our educations, not our insecurities, not our mistakes, not our flat-out failures.
And especially not our pain.
It’ll all turn out in the end.
I like this not-so-simple idea that nothing, nothing at all, is wasted. That everything, good and bad, joyful and heartbreaking, contributes in some part to who we are and who we become. There is something very comforting about this notion that our experiences pile up and cohere to make us evolve.
Hrm, I have mixed feelings on this myself.
I went to the “best” college that I got into, one of the ’seven sisters,’ but while I got a really good-quality education, I didn’t enjoy it. So I’m kind of ambivalent.
I don’t really think there’s such a thing as a “wasted” education though, unless you go from Ivy League to like flipping burgers for minimum wage. Although if that’s what you WANT to be doing, I guess that’s fine too. I think there’s no such thing as success/failure except based on our own expectations, whether we’re doing what we WANT to be doing or not.
I knew a lot of girls in college who thought it was a “waste” of an education if you became a stay-at-home-mom after college, but who is anyone to judge really?
You raise a couple of interesting points. One, if an education leads us to do the thing we want to do, no matter what that thing is, was that education a “success” or is there some more objective barometer at play here to determine what counts as achievement and what doesn’t. Is something only wasted if it is subjectively viewed by the waster as wasted? Second, and this is a can of worms I hope to open soon, but isn’t it just as important for a “stay-at-home mom” to be worldly and educated. Isn’t raising kids, good and interested kids one of the most important jobs there is?
I keep starting to write a post about ambition, and motivation, and the fact that I’m not a competitive person (although I happen to do well at games). I think you’ve expressed a lot of the reasons why I’m finding it so hard to put my thoughts into words (without fear of offending anyone). But it has taken me some years to reconcile myself to the fact that my motivations and my goals are not what people might have expected of me.
On the other hand, I’ve never had a problem with the idea that intellectual pursuits can be their own reward. Perhaps that’s a difference between the UK and US establishments?
I can’t diagnose your hesitation to write about these things, but I can speak about and explore mine. In all likelihood, we are anxious to put these things in words for the same reasons – that these things are tricky and loaded. When will we accept the fact that we are different than people expected we would be, different even that we expected we would be? And that this is real and okay?
You know what? I think more people need to hear what you have to say… because you bring up points and thoughts that I am sure many, many women have thought of very often.
In Germany, we don’t have “Ivy League Schools” – sure some universities have a better reputation than others, but I don’t think I ever felt that particular kind of pressure that you’re expressing in regards to your Ivy League education.
Someone once told me that going to college is not so much about earning a degree and getting an expert in a specific field of knowledge, but about learning about yourself, finding your own voice and using this experience to make a difference in the world.
Maybe you’re not using the degree per se that you went to school for, but you’re definitely using all the education and experiences from that time in your day-to-day life!
In writing the original post and in participating in this conversation, I wonder if the pressure I feel periodically in the wake of my Ivy education is par for the course. To some extent, I think it is. Since writing this, I have heard from several classmates and friends who have felt similar angst in the aftermath of elite educations about not “using” their education properly or in a conventionally expected way. And the thing that kills me is that I think somehow so many of us feel that these are things we shouldn’t talk about, that this anxiety, though real, is in a certain sense itself a privilege. A good problem to tuck away and not expose. But I disagree. I think there should be no artificial limits put on the things we can talk about. I think conversation is critical to happiness and progress and understanding. I am so thankful for this conversation right here and for your voice and that of so many others. This is really remarkable and so much fun to watch unfold.
Aidan,
First, thanks for visiting my blog. I read your post the other day and found it really interesting and honest; I planned to respond, but these kids who invaded my house got in the way.
I definitely worry about the issue of “wasting” my education, especially when it comes to what I teach my kids, and even what I taught my students. I was the first in my family to actually go “away” to college (second to go after high school). I’m the first to have a post-graduate degree. College, liberal arts, was a vast new world that I fell in love with. I got good grades in high school to please my mother (for further reading about that baggage, visit my blog). But I got good grades in college because I loved learning. Yet when the president of the college spoke to prospective students and said that a college education was not about getting a job, I rolled my eyes.
I damn well better get a job after this, I thought.
Then, I taught at a girls’ high school, which turned out to be pretty conservative. I wanted to empower young women to follow their dreams, just like my college education taught me. But every time a woman teacher at the school got married, she changed her name. (I debated over and over about whether to do this, and the decision will probably take the shape of an upcoming post.) I wondered what we were teaching them. Every time a woman teacher got pregnant and had a baby, she left. Again, I worried what we were teaching them. Even I followed suit! I wanted to move on to other career options, and saw the birth of my son as a perfect opportunity to make a clean break. I guess I started worrying more about myself and my family and less about what I was “teaching” others.
So here I am: an educated, passionate, somewhat ambitious mother and wife. Home. With two kids. Doing laundry daily. And I don’t know for how long.
But I’m really loving it. This is where I want to be right now. (Though I do worry that my son will adopt a worldview that men go to work and women stay home. Maybe we can find some good books at the library about that one.)
So I’m with you, lady. I have no answers.
You are not the only educated woman to feel this way. It is normal to question yourself. Right now I am teaching, earning my doctorate in organizational leadership. If I leave teaching and pursue something else, is that wasting all my education? I don’t think so. Regardless of the degree we earn, there are very valuable things taken from that experience, aside from content knowledge. If you are doing what you love and doing it well, you have not wasted a thing!
This is my first stop here and I really enjoy your writing. See you on SITS!
Aidan,
Thank you for your post. The comments are also overwhelmingly on target. I am a Princetonian, ‘85, GS ‘87
I look at my classmates and I also wonder… Have I wasted my schooling? You and so many others are raising a family,( thank you) I am taking care of my slowly ageing parent, The time that I have to spend with her is priceless. These are times that we can shine and learn and most importantly grow for the future we are the sum of all the parts.
Again, Thank you.
Always Bumby
I went to Rice and got my MBA at UT-Austin. I was a Peace Corps volunteer after I got my MBA. I have worked for three Fortune 100 companies, spending a total of 14 years in corporate America. I do not work now, as I am living the life of Riley (whoever he is) while my husband sweats day and night in the coal mine of microchip design software.
I don’t think about whether I am wasting my education, although I am a wee bit bored and need to do something about that – maybe pick up some more volunteer stints.
I wonder if part of it is that I paid for college and grad school myself (via loans, scholarships, and summer jobs) and that I have surpassed my parents and grandparents in education. My dad was the first (and only) one in his family to go to college and he went on the GI Bill. My grandparents didn’t go past 8th grade. Maybe I compare myself to them and think that I can rest smugly on my laurels.
It would probably be my daughter (if I had one) who would worry about wasting her education.
While I only went to “good” schools, I get what you mean. I don’t need my BA and M Div for the job I’m at now. I realized that my “dream” job as a child was to be a secretary. I’m doing more than that now, but still have plenty administrative tasks. And even more, I hope to be a SAHM mother someday…certainly not something that requires a Master’s degree.
My brother has the attitude that you don’t get more education unless is advances your career. I think that attitude can’t be more wrong (though it’s a common-enough one). We seek education to learn and grow…that’s the goal. You wouldn’t be who you were except for those experiences, and I wouldn’t be who I am except for my experiences.
Don’t regret that experience (because that’s what it is) because that’s what helped make you “you.”