What Not To Say
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- 19
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Forgive me, but I have conversation on the brain. It’s not a crime. But it might be an obsession.
While we were away in South Carolina for the holiday weekend, I had a little chat with Toddler that I can’t seem to get out of my mind. It was a tiny exchange, a sweet little Mommy-Daughter Moment. Looking back at it, that moment seems less simple than it did while I was experiencing it. That moment has me asking questions. (Shocker.)
Enough of the setup. Here’s what happened. Toddler and I were in our bedroom getting cleaned up for dinner. I got her dressed. She hung out as I got dressed. And then I asked her to be patient while I did a few things in the bathroom. She came in with me and stood by my side as I spritzed some perfume and brushed my hair. And then, because she is three, she grew a bit restless.
“Mommy, let’s go!”
“In one minute, babe,” I said. “Mommy just wants to put on a little eyeliner.”
“How do you do that?” she asked.
“See this pencil thing?”
“Yeah.”
“Well you draw lines outside of your eyes,” I said. “Isn’t that silly?”
“Yeah.”
Frankly, she wasn’t very interested in the art of eyeliner application. She was more interested in getting me to stop primping and embark on some adventure with her. But, for whatever reason, I continued to engage her in this discussion. I put on eyeliner around one eye and then I ducked down to her level.
“See how Mommy’s eyes are now different?”
“Wow,” she said. “Yeah.”
I could have stopped there. It would have amounted to a cute little lesson on comparison, an old school one of these things is not like the other. But no.
“Which eye looks better?” I asked her.
And, surprisingly or not surprisingly, she pointed to my outlined eye. And I didn’t dwell too much on this. Just smiled. Put eyeliner on my other eye and off we went.
Told you it was a small little sliver of conversation.
But. Here I am, days later, thinking about this. Wondering if it was somehow inappropriate or unfortunate for me to talk to my young daughter about makeup. Wondering if she took from our little moment some message about beauty, about artificiality over naturalness. Wondering why she thinks a smoky eye looks better than a plain old eye at age three?
Now I will be the very first to admit that I am likely over-thinking this. Over-thinking things is one of my favorite hobbies and I am quite good at it. That aside, there appears to me to be some important questions buried in this itty-bitty anecdote.
Are there topics which are objectively inappropriate to discuss with our little ones? Is it prudential and proper to steer clear of certain subject matters – beauty, sex, anxiety, diets, death, destruction, etc. If so, when does it become appropriate – or important – to talk about these things? Or, is the more critical question how we talk to our kids? Is any topic fair game at any juncture given that we handle it in an age-appropriate way? Are there instances when we should hide emotions or behaviors from our kids? Are there times when we should lie or divert if pinned with a question that is about something sensitive or sophisticated?
I don’t know. What I do know is that, for me, conversing with my children is a huge component of my parenting. Though my girls are very young, we talk about a lot of things. Some things prompted by them. And some by me. As a person and as a writer, I believe, and deeply, in the power of words and the ideas formed by them. As a person and as a writer, I am a lover of dialogue, of education and evolution through the exchange of sentences.
But as a mom, I’m at a bit of a loss. And I imagine this is part and parcel of parenthood – the feeling of flailing. As a mom of two little girls who are growing more verbal and curious by the day, I feel implored to figure this out. To determine what to say. And what not to.
I know there are no answers. I know there is no guide book. (If there was, I would buy it and promptly declare it ridiculous.) But these questions? They matter. To me at least. And so I ask them. Indeed there is a power in the asking.
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Do you have strong opinions on conversational subject matters that are appropriate and inappropriate for kids? Are you careful about what you say to your kids and what you say in front of them? Were your parents conversationally cautious while raising you? Do you think that the answers to these question depend, in part, on the particular children involved? Are there conversations, little or big, that you look back upon and worry about? Do you think Toddler will be wearing eyeliner by Kindergarten?
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*I can’t get this blog post out of my head. Leave it to my cyber colleague Danielle LaPorte to get us all thinking about life’s candy-coated and shame-soaked concepts. Thanks always for your wild and wise words, D.
*Crave an old school jolt of inspiration? Yes? Then click here and read Amy‘s incredible post on life’s crooked roads and not-so-tiny tugs. Not sure why I have such a soft spot for this blogger. Maybe because she also lost her father while pregnant with her little girl. Maybe because she also turned to blogging to excavate her unfurling grief. Maybe because she is pursuing her dream. Maybe because she is an exquisite writer. Definitely all of the above.
I do think conversations are important…but I think actions are too. The mere fact that she sees you put on makeup is a message in and of itself…not necessarily anything wrong with that. we’re women. we wear makeup. But when DOES it matter? I’m not sure, but maybe when she becomes old enough to ask questions about her own beauty. her own need for makeup. How you respond in those moments will carry…I think:)
Yes, actions. They matter. Our kids are sweet little sponges, soaking it all up. The words, the behaviors, the tensions, the silence even. There is something amazing and alarming about this. Amazing because they are evolving in real time, absorbing us and the world. Alarming because it means that what we do, how we do it, who we are, matters so profoundly. If I think about this too much, I feel absolutely paralyzed as a parent.
What an interesting question you pose. I am a mother of son, now grown so I can’t pretend to know the correct answer. I don’t think there is anything wrong with showing your child that you like to look better, so to speak. I am sure you are one to instill a strong sense of self and confidence in her. As far as real life and conversations, I have always been honest with my children, but have probably at times provided them with “lesser truths” in order to shield them somewhat. Who’s to say if that was right or wrong? Unfortunately, we learn parenting as we live it!
Thankfully there is no final exam for parenthood. I think we might all fail. Or maybe we would all pass? I think the question of shielding our kids from the world is interesting and important. How do we convey enough information to ensure that they are equipped to carry themselves in life, but not so much that they are anxious or frightened. I don’t pretend to know.
Having 2 daughters, 15 and 19, I’ve thought about this a lot. I like makeup and clothes, but also feel very feminist. I would tell them when they were little I just liked this stuff; lots of women didn’t and that was fine too. The important thing is you’re talking to them about stuff; that’s what counts.
I do think that communication is critical and communication that these things are rooted in personal choice is imperative. The last thing in the world I want is for my tiny girls to think there is one way to do things, one way to look, that there are behavioral and aesthetic expectations they must heed. I am curious about the ability to reconcile feminist leanings and less feminist longings. I feel this tension in me too. I do not think these things are incompatible at all – in fact I embrace their commingling – but it is an interesting and complicated question.
Your conversation doesn’t sound inappropriate. Unless you constantly mope around the house and tell your family that you cannot go outside the house until you have had a moment to primp, or follow your children around with a hairbrush. Well, sometimes you have to the latter, I would imagine. But if you allow your children to be well, children, and be the person who is a bit relaxed about her appearance, I wouldn’t worry if I were you. You may have to give her a refresher in about 15 years on makeup eyeliner, though! Something to look forward too….
I agree that there is a meaningful distinction between actions and compulsions, and between discrete behaviors and the total person. Maybe our children pick up more on the total package of who we are, our general attitude about life, and are less focused on these fragments of us. I hope so. It is worth noting that I spend much time with my girls sans makeup and looking utterly unconcerned with all things aesthetic!
Conversation makes a big difference,
Spending time every day talking to kids “is parenting”
The interaction is good.
I enjoyed the insight into the routine and the exchange.
My youngest daughter is 17, HS senior, she seems to think it is a chore to talk to me, or postures to deflect when “I talk to her”. Getting to moments of simple 1 on 1 interaction is easier when we take the time every day.
Awesome parenting AD keep it up!
Thank you for the vote of confidence, Larry! What is so interesting is that in fixating on the appropriateness of our exchange, I lost track of the fact that this was indeed a rare one-on-one moment with my big girl. Thanks for the reminder.
Hi Aiden,
Children are naturally and wonderfully curious. That important characteristic gets suppressed more and more over time until adults go through life as if sleepwalking.
I’m all for encouraging curiosity – anything a child (of any age) asks deserves a real answer. Not sure why making up falsehoods protects children (from life?). Sometimes it feels like humans are at their highest level of humanness when children.
They love life, dance around, look at everything. Look at adults – most of that’s gone.
What’s really interesting about your post is that we women can’t seem to leave the house with “touching up” our faces.
Thx,
Giulietta, Inspirational Rebel
I agree that it is tragic that our curiosity (or ability to express it) expires over time. If only we could retain one ounce of our childhood imagination. I am very curious (haven’t lost it completely!) about whether or not children should be given all information at all times or whether some modicum of protection is warranted and justifiable.
Should be noted that I quite often leave the house without touching up. Should perhaps do this more often even! But I do think we should all explore our society’s obsession with camouflaging “flaws” and “enhancing” self…
Inspirational Rebel? LOVE that!
I wrestle with the same questions – wondering if certain conversations are too much too soon, or if my words and deeds are somehow shaping my little ones world view in a way that it shouldn’t yet be shaped.
My daughter is also three and is inclined to watch me do my make-up. I let her play with the blush brush (and now need to buy a new blush brush, because cleaning the sink was never what it was intended for) but I always find myself assuring her that she’s pretty enough without make-up. Not sure if this is good or not, being self-deprecating in effect, and does it suggest to her that some girls “don’t need” make up, but others might.
*sigh*
Much to much to think about before my fifth cup of coffee…
Oooh. A fellow coffee lover
There is no end to the self-questioning and doubts, huh? How do we navigate a viable road between utter paralysis and carelessness when it comes to rearing and shaping our wee ones. I haven’t a clue, but I will never stop seeking that path.
*sigh* indeed. Always. These sighs comprise the soundtrack of parenthood (and life), no?
I have two daughters, ages 8 and 1. I am quite cautious about what I expose them to. As parents we often have this overwhelming desire to shelter them from anything painful. It took me a long time (maybe longer than it should have?) to begin discussing bad things that happen in the world with my oldest. I never know how much is the right amount. But, sadly, they will learn no matter what we do and probably sooner than we know. The inverse relationship between knowledge and innocence is so delicate.
As for the messages we convey to our daughters, I tell my daughter how beautiful and perfect (not to mention brilliant)she is just the way she is and yet I put on makeup daily. But, at this age, we have been talking about society and stereotypes and gender inequalities (percieved and real). The other day she asked why we put the ‘he’ before ‘she’ in everyday language (i.e. him or her, Mr. and Mrs.) and I thought to myself, “mission accomplished”. I am raising a thinking person and, at that moment, I beamed with pride.
“The inverse relationship between knowledge and innocence is so delicate.” Well said. The question your daughter asked was so insightful and intelligent and exquisite evidence of the commendable job you have done (and continue to do). That job is never over, huh? It evolves, but we can never leave it. But we do it and do it, quietly and proudly, stumbling and fumbling along the way. What an amazing – and utterly overwhelming – job it is. I hope that my girls ask these incomparable questions and that I am able to satisfy them with nuanced but understandable answers that don’t belie life’s complexity and color.
This is a tough one. Sometimes my parents are shocked at the snippets from my childhood that I hold under lock and key. Often, they can’t even remember the moment. Then there are times when my mom will tell me about things that happened when we were young and how she worried that it would impact us negatively – and I have no recollection of the time.
You don’t have much control on what snippets your kids are going to hold onto, what will be meaningful in their development or not. Being the aware, compassionate human being that you are is pretty much the best route. And you rock at that!
Isn’t it absolutely amazing the things that stay inked in our memory and the things that fade? I have the oddest, most quirky bits of memories from being a little girl and I cherish them. But you are right – there is no saying what will stay and what will go. Alas, another instance where we are reminded of what little control we have over things in life.
Am realizing as I write this that this blog is in so many ways a repository for the sublime snippets, the tiny shards of my experience as parent and person that might otherwise be swept up in the wind of living.
I don’t think it was inappropriate. One of the joys of being a girl is to futz around with makeup. I remember vividly watching my mother get ready for a special evening out. I was fascinated by all of the little pots and jars– the way her attitude seemed to change as she put on a bold shade of lipstick.
Thank you for reminding me that the little moment I had with my daughter could stay inked in her mind and could be a very positive, warm memory. I like the idea of having this cozy little exchanges and would hate if I ever got so worried about the content of our conversations that I censored myself.
At Toddler’s age I think the statute of limitations on conversational damage is pretty short. What you said over the weekend will likely not, by itself, steer her perceptions of beauty and worth in the long run. But the message that you give daily over time will matter a great deal.
For me your post also raises the question of the adult/child double standard, which can be a sticky wicket. As adults we do many things that we don’t allow our children to do – wear makeup, drink alcohol, drive cars, etc. I haven’t yet had to explain any of these situations to my son, but I will. And you’ve got me thinking about just how I will dance this dance.
This adult/child double standard question is huge and warrants its own post. I haven’t really had to deal with this yet either, but I have a feeling I will soon. And, yes, it is a dance. All of parenthood is – a precarious and priceless dance that we never quite master.
Excellent topic! I believe open communication (both verbal and non-verbal) are very important in parenting. I find that somethings fall out of me automatically and they are usually society’s norms. Other things I find myself thinking very carefully about before I answer.
My oldest son was 5 when he saw a gay couple holding hands. He asked me about it because it was a scenario he had never seen before. It was a pivotal point in my role as a parent. Do I start the process of closing doors in the open and accepting mind of a child? Instead I explained that the two men loved each other the way mommy and daddy do. He accepted it.
Both my boys are teenagers now. I believe they have fewer prejudices than I do. Just as I have fewer than my mother.
As for the make-up, both of my boys have asked why girls wear it. I explained that often times girls think that they look better when wearing it. Or they do it to enhance a feature like their eyes. But whatever the reason they should always feel comfortable when not wearing make-up.
I think it is so wonderful that you spoke so frankly with your son about the gay couple. You kept doors of understanding and awareness open and I think that is a commendable thing. I like to think that with each generation, there are fewer prejudices, but sometimes I wonder. My girls are tiny still, but I know that they will be asking these hard questions soon and in some odd way, I look forward to them and the discussions they trigger. I know I won’t handle the questions perfectly because perfectly does not exist, but I will do my best. That is all any of us can strive for, right?
Actually, Rebecca & TKW said what I was thinking as I read your story. I think its vital to talk to your kids and I think makeup, and watching mommy put it on, is a wonderful part of being a little girl.
When I smell certain types of makeup or Chanel No. 5 perfume, to this day, I’m transported back in time to the purple bathroom with harsh lighting, and I’m leaning up against the sink, wedged up against my mother, engulfed in meaningful conversation (“What’s that for?” “Why do you put that on your eyes?” “Does lipstick taste funny?”) as she answers each question and applies her eyeliner. She always left a big Mommy Mouth kiss on my cheek post lipstick application.
Sometimes over thinking things brings us full circle, and we can land with some kind of comfort, having utterly tortured to death that which makes us question ourselves. And I say this is a prize winning over thinker.
Again, I am so happy to hear about these treasured memories of your mother. It amazes me that it didn’t even occur to me that my little moment with my girl was a positive experience, a little bonding event, that might stay with her and make her smile years down the road. Ah, the torturing and that bizarrely comforting feeling of full circle traveling. Have been there many times. Over-thinkers unite!
I’ve always treated my daughter with respect as to her own childlike wisdom. Never inappropriately, I’ve always conversed with her about life and its nuances. She sees the world differently than I- hey, she once flushed a complete outfit down the toilet. Because it was NOT PURPLE.
She sees things in black and white, I live and work and play in all of the grey areas. I think open communication is critical to her development; no subject is off limits, just tailored to her comprehension. We women have been highlighting our best asset- our eyes- since the days of the Egyptians. So many centuries of sisterhood can’t be wrong- some things are just universal.
Most importantly, with our daughters (and sons), it is imperative to cultivate the knowledge that beauty and dignity come from within. They cannot be penciled in later, or painted on- but radiate outward, often at times when we feel our ugliest/most miserable.
To decimate someone else’s words… they’ll never remember what kind of make up I was wearing, but they’ll never forget how I made them feel.
This comment has me nodding. It is about tailoring, isn’t it? Shaping our words and sentences so that they resonate with tiny ears and tiny minds. You just made me think that maybe parenthood is holding the hands of little creatures as they walk from the land of black and white to the world of gray. We must walk slowly and cautiously and explain the scenery when asked. We must protect them and prepare them, but respect them and deeply.
I love the historical bit about eyes. I am planning a post on eyes and now will have to do a little research! The idea that beauty and dignity cannot be penciled in later? Absolutely true.
I can’t add a whole awful lot because I’ve never been a mother. I don’t think you did/said anything inappropriate. I do believe you can stop toddler from prematurely wearing eyeliner though. Make-up should seem fun, but be emphasized as something ‘grown up’. My mom let me start wearing a little make-up in 6th grade, but I could only choose one product. And unfortunately I kept turning to silver mascara…
Silver mascara? Love it. There will be no kids in makeup in this house for a very long time. I once joked with Husband about giving a Toddler and he was not a happy camper!
I have talked to my kids about everything. Sometimes it’s the questions they ask, others the questions I want them to ponder.
The more open I am with them, the more open they seem to be with me. And let me tell you, you want them as open as possible when they hit the teen years.
Some of the things that will come out of their mouths will leave you flabbergasted. Another tip from an old mom, don’t assume they know what they are asking you about. Find out what they know first.
In respect to the make-up thing I had a funny thought. Your concern is that your three-year-old might think it important to wear make-up to be beautiful. But come high school, she could rebel and never, ever want to touch the stuff! You never know.
Every time I have one of these moments with my kids I always wonder how many hours that will be on a psychiatrists couch.
I think openness is everything. One thing I worry about though in cultivating such an open relationship with my kids going forward is that they will come to see me as a buddy rather than their mom. Of course I want them to see me as a friend, but I also want them to see me as a parent. How do we walk this line?
So funny that I hadn’t thought of the fact that in time Toddler might rebel and be fresh-faced! And, yes, one of my biggest fears – which is thankfully not consciously on my mind at all times – is that something I do or say will create “issues” that will one day need professional “exploration.” Yikes.
Hmmm…I hope I have a baby girl on the way, then I will come back and weigh in on this!
Yay! I have not stopped thinking about the fact that you are pregnant all day. I think it is a girl. I do!
I want to echo what Maureen said. My daughter is now 17. She’s a bit more girly than I ever was, and that’s ok. I was never much into makeup and jewelry, much to her chagrin. That said, I was/am always insecure leaving the house without at least the basic amount of makeup on my face. And that has always made me uncomfortable as I raised my little girl. What am I teaching my daughter about “what looks better?” I struggle with this even today. But, my daughter is very “normal” in her attention to her appearances – neither overboard or over looked. Conversation is key.
Conversation is key. I think we need to allow ourselves to be who we are, to have our foibles, our attitudes, our insecurities and just make sure that we are in constant communication with our kids. Maybe it is a bit harder to “screw them up” than we think. Maybe if we really care and are conscious and ask a lot of questions and have a lot of conversations, chances are things will turn out okay. Whoa – a very unlike-Aidan moment of optimism. Maybe it is contagious
Aidan, I’m not actually going to respond to your post because I don’t have kids and I know enough not to pretend I know how to raise them. I generally like to avoid being the target of angry parents.
However, I am going to post to say how much I LOVE your blog. Why haven’t I found my way here before?! I know I’m going to spend a lot of time reading through previous posts. (I especially like your Easter Sunday post – I suffer from weekend-itis too.)
Thanks for sharing your humor, advice, and great writing with all of us!
So interesting that you have chosen to withhold your opinion. Now you have me very curious about what you might have said to anger us parents
I am so thrilled we have found each other’s blogs as well. This is absolutely one of my favorite parts of this odd world – stumbling upon gems in the ether. Happy Friday!
I have a similar post in the works Aidan… you’ll see it shortly. I feel VERY strongly about these types of conversations with Hannah. I do NOT let her see me put on makeup (I don’t wear that much, although I should these days, so it’s not so hard). I do NOT talk about weight or even own a scale for her to see me stand on and judge myself by. I absolutely overthink this topic and have strong opinions on it but I know how I felt growing up with a BEAUTIFUL mother who constantly complained about how ugly and fat she was. She’d always be fussing in the mirror, complaining about this or that and trying to cover up this or that. I do not recall even one instance where she didn’t look in the mirror and say, “ugh, I look awful”. As a little girl, this left a big imprint on me. I had warped views of what beauty was since I thought she was so pretty, and she didn’t. I want Hannah to think I FEEL beautiful (even if I don’t look it!) as I am All The Time. I don’t want her to think it’s necessary to wear makeup to be pretty.
It’s a difficult topic. There’s certainly no right or wrong, but the choice i’ve made is to avoid the topics of makeup and weight as much as I can until she can really understand. I want her focused on the “inside” not the outside of people’s beauty. Someone actually recently told Hannah that she looked “so thin” (she has recently lost some baby fat) and she got so upset. “I don’t want to be thin!” she told me. To her, thin was not “normal”. She wants to be “just right”.
Oh how I could go on and on… which I will when I write about it. Sorry to ramble here! It’s just such a loaded topic for me!
Your comment highlights for me an important nuance to this conversation, namely that our parental approaches to these things are often indicative of how our parents handled or didn’t handle these questions… I also grew up with a very beautiful mom and I do not remember one occasion on which she ever discussed weight or beauty. I do remember her perfume and her clothing, etc but she never made a big deal of these things. I guess that I would like to have this approach with my girls – to not hide these things, but not talk too much or too neurotically about them either…
I think this is a loaded topic for so many of us. Ultimately, I also think it raises an important issue about how we balance self and other. Certainly, we aren’t supposed to stop being us, to stop caring about things, even more superficial things, once kids arrive, right? But we also must be cognizant of our inclinations and our behaviors and our words so as not to unduly affect our kids’ development… Loaded indeed. I look forward to you continuing this important conversation!
Sometimes we say things and wish we hadn’t. Innocuous things, for example about eyeliner. Sometimes they disappear in the sea of questions asked and questions answered (more often than not). And we spend untoward amounts of time worrying about what we said.
I think the overall messages that we provide consistently – a balance of words and actions and the context we give both – that accumulation is what shapes our children. And as each kid is different, we don’t know which words or which actions have more or less impact, until later, if at all.
I think we do the best we can with what we have and what we consider important. And the questions are always part of what’s important. Theirs, and ours.
Yes, I think questions reign supreme. And should. And I do think these little moments are probably innocuous in the grand scheme of things, but what gets me is that we don’t know for sure… until later. More often than not, I think I have a healthy view of these things and realize that as long as we are doing our best, conversing, questioning, laughing, and just being, things will be fine. It’s just that from time to time I feel a swell of worry that I should be somehow more disciplined in my parenting approach. I don’t even really know what that means, but it’s probably just another symptom of my raging perfectionism.
I think about this on a regular basis. What is appropriate to discuss with the kids. And it changes all the time. We’re careful about what they are exposed to, but you can’t control everything.
I have had to discuss war and murder, sex, death and everything you can imagine.
I’ll never forget when my son learned how to read. One day we were at the mall and he had to use the bathroom. We headed inside and got him set up.
While he was taking care of his business he read the graffiti on the wall. A simple line about “Julie” being good at oral sex and her telephone number.
He was confused and asked me what it meant. I told him that someone was playing a trick on her. He said that we should call her and tell her.
I said no. He became insistent that we should let her know that someone did this. It was 5 year old logic. And still he wanted to know why that was bad.
I have always taught him to feel free to ask questions. But as we walk through the mall I became concerned when he repeated the line from the stall wall verbatim.
Anyhoo, this comment is getting a bit long so I’ll cut it short. Customize the answer and use common sense. Beyond that, you just hope that your best is good enough.
Wow, I can only imagine how I would have handled that situation with your son in the bathroom. I think you handled it very well. And I hadn’t even thought of this whole reading bit! That adds a whole new dimension to this question in my estimation. Pretty soon, I better start hiding the trashy gossip magazines, huh?
I think the idea of customizing our answers is compelling. It is also kind of exhausting though to think that for each question we must think carefully and quickly what to say, how to convey truth and protect them in the same instance. Hard stuff indeed.
Every child is different so what works for one doesn’t always work for another. That is part of what makes it so hard and so fun.
My daughter is 11 and just getting into real makeup and I’m having conversations about appropriate amounts and appropriate places… I think we live in a culture that values beauty and having age appropriate interactions makes the future interactions easier because she knows that I’ll be frank with her…
Stopping by from SITS to put in my $0.02
Thank you for stopping by and for contributing your $0.02! Reading your comment reminds me of another important role of conversations… By having them with our kids we are sending a message of openness and I think this is extremely important. It is not just the content of conversations that is meaningful, but the fact that we are conveying a continued interested in interacting and conversing with our little ones about the little and big things in life.
Thrilled to have joined the SITS community!
In the morning, there will be an award waiting at my blog for you!
Thank you so much for the award! It means a lot. I am going to post the link here so others can find their way to the incredible list of bloggers you honored. This is such a fantastic way to find great new blogs. Thank you!
http://suzicate.wordpress.com/2010/02/21/sunshine-and-all-that-good-stuff/
It is so important to think about these things now. I am constantly asking my husband how we will approach sex, drugs, alcohol, self image, and myriad of other things. I am hoping answers will come before my girl grows older.
I wonder if these are conversations and situations we can prepare for or whether we will feel anxious and lost when these tough topics arise no matter what? I do think there is a virtue in thinking about these things, in talking with our partners about them. I don’t think there are objective answers to these parenthood dilemmas, but as always, asking questions is vital.
I think what’s most important about this exchange is that you had it. You asked for her opinion on something you were doing, something important to you, and you accepted her answer.
Thank you for popping by ILI. I think you are right. Maybe this wasn’t a bad mommy moment after all
Having this conversation – irrespective of its questionable topic – was probably a good thing. I am so happy I chose to write about this conversation because in writing about it and having this comment box conversation with you and others, I find myself thinking about things that didn’t occur to me at first. As always, we are dealing in gorgeous grays.
I swear, Aidan, I could write a book about this (hmmm…). I believe that it’s very important for girls to learn how to be female from their mothers. I consider myself quite a feminist but my daughter knows about proper care of her skin, menstruation, and she knows about beauty, all from following me everywhere.
I don’t spend anytime calling myself ugly or fat but I do spend a lot of time telling her she’s perfect as created to the point where I’m not sure it will ever be her choice to use makeup. (i.e.: I’ve created a monster!)
Is it that we teach our girls “how to be female” or what femaleness entails? Are there right and wrong ways of being female? An interesting, fraught question. I am very interested in the latter half of your comment. It is so important that we nurture our kids into acceptance of themselves, that we tell them they are wonderful, that they are perfect the way they are. But then what happens when they grow up and enter the world and become aware of their flaws, physical and emotional, and realize that they are far from perfect? Are we as parents supposed to talk them out of their flaws or discuss with them the reality that everyone is exquisitely imperfect?
Thanks for making me think.
Likewise, I can’t believe I didn’t discover your wonderful blog until now! And I am so glad I stopped by because I wrote about “makeup” today too (but I don’t have daughters…) I overthink everything too, usually though after the effect, i.e. I am quick to yell at my boys then I overthink afterwards. I sometimes feel like a “hypocrite” feminist since I DO feel naked without wearing my lipstick. Why should I want to look pretty if I want to argue that looks are not important? But the truth is: having makeup on does make me feel more confident. When I have a big meeting, I put on what I call “power makeup”. Is that wrong? I am not sure. Perhaps being aware of everything that we do will make whatever we pass on better?
I think awareness is huge. That we are aware of our own contradictions, and the holes in our approaches is important. Your comment has me thinking about our culture’s fixation with consistency. Maybe it is okay that we are not always consistent, but that we always care. Parenthood is an art, not a science, right?
As an aside, I am very curious about the makeup thing. About why so many of us feel more comfortable or powerful once we have polished the facade. When people wear too much makeup or wear makeup all the time, I sometimes wonder what they are hiding…
I must go check out your makeup post now!
I loved this post and the conversation it prompted. The discussion of sending a consistent message reminds me of an Emerson quote that is well-worn in our home: “A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds . . ..” Google that phrase for the entire paragraph from his Essays on Self-reliance. It’s wonderful. I also just love the term “hobgoblin.” SO under-used.
I just kept thinking about eye-shadow… and the notion that it originally came into favor as an attempt to make women look like they’ve just had an orgasm. How looking already ravished connects to looking ready to be taken seriously in the world is an interesting puzzle, and one well worth thinking deeply about as we decide how much to school our kids in flowing with the world we have, versus deconstructing a world that may not really be working all that well.
Namaste
So so interesting about eye-shadow. The question of “how much to school our kids in flowing with the world we have, versus deconstructing a world that may not really be working all that well” is a big question, a profound question, and one I think we must always ask and ask again. As people and as parents, I think we too often go with the flow because the alternative route seems so daunting. How to change patterns that are so deeply entrenched, patterns that might even be part of who we are?
I think the best thing about talking with kids is openness and honesty, which it sounds like you’re very good at.
My little daughter is fascinated with her mummy’s lipstick already so I’m sure there is fun and games to come!
Literary challenge at my place today, go on, show me what you can do
Openness and honesty are indeed key. Is it possible to go overboard on these things? I don’t know. I will pop by your blog. I am always up for a challenge. (As long as I win.)
I’ve been following this discussion with interest – such great advice and opinions here. My husband and I are still at the phase of “Do we want to have children? What would our life be like with a baby?” We haven’t progressed to the “How do we raise our kids right?” phase – so you’ve all given me great food for thought.
I think the husband’s role can’t be underestimated. Growing up, I saw my dad’s criticism of my mom’s weight and that really stuck with me. Rather than encouraging her with positive reinforcement, he tried to push her with harsh words. Poor mom. I suppose the point is we always need to be careful and thoughtful about what we say in front of our kids (or nieces and nephews in my case!).
So so interesting that you are the first person to mention the husband’s role in all of this. Patently, our conversation didn’t involve Husband, but I think the attitudes expressed at home are so important and that kids are little sponges and pick up on everything including currents of negativity between their parents. Maybe these deeper grooves of atmosphere and attitude are what matter and the little snippets of conversation, rooted in innocuous soil, don’t have as much of a detrimental impact.
Thrilled that I have provided some conversational fodder for you and your husband.
My vote? Have kids