Not Good Enough
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I am not good enough.
These five words, these five terrible words, floated through my head last night. And I have no idea why really. And as quickly as they came, I banished them. My intellect took over. I told myself that there is no such thing as good enough. That Good Enough is a cruel modern myth.
But this wave of perceived inadequacy was too strong to ignore. So I allowed myself to dwell on it, to roll it over in my mind. I even polled the Sunday night crowd on the Twittersphere.
I wrote: Have you ever felt not good enough? Well, it sucks. (Sorry for my moment of insecurity.)
I wrote it because it felt good to record this moment. To acknowledge its fierce and fleeting presence. But I was overwhelmed with the replies. Several people responded and quickly to tell me that they feel these five words all the time and particularly since becoming a parent. Ah.
Apparently, it is not just me.
What is this all about? Why are there so many smart and talented and funny and happy people who are weathering these silent storms of insecurity? Why are these five words so universal?
I don’t know. I can’t speak for the masses, but I can speak for me. And so I will.
These days, I am a bit overwhelmed. No, I am a lot overwhelmed. I feel stretched thin. I feel exhausted, exquisitely exhausted. I qualify in this way because the things that are exhausting me are things that also bring me immense and incomparable joy – the babies, the blog, the book, the marriage, the man, the move. These are things I cherish and celebrate and would never trade. But these are a lot of things.
Babies. In my life, there are two little girls. Two little girls who sing and cry and dance and collect umbrellas and toothbrushes and stickers. These days, these two little girls look me straight in the eye and say, in words and sentences, Mommy, I want you to stay. Mommy, I want you to play.
Blog. In my life, there is one burgeoning blog. A blog that is bringing me more joy and juice than I could ever have imagined. This blog is growing and thriving, moving and grooving, and has become a profound pipeline to tremendous colleagues and incomparable conversation. These days, my blog says to me, Nurture me. For here is where you are learning to be vulnerable and vulnerability is the ultimate strength.
Book. In my life, there is a book. A book that’s about to debut in the world. And two other books that are part on paper and part in my head. The characters are real. They dance in my dreams and whisper in my ear, Don’t forget about us. Your future? It’s on our pages. So write them. Write us.
Marriage. In my life, there is a marriage. A good, sturdy marriage. A union that’s stuffed with affection and humor and fidelity. But even that marriage has a voice, Pay attention to me. Celebrate me. Do not take me for granted. Even the most magical marriage takes work.
Man. In my life, there is a man. A handsome and happy and humble man. A man who loves me and understands me and tolerates my ways. And he says to me, sometimes aloud, I am here. Look at me. Let yourself relax and enjoy this. Me. Us.
Move. In my life, there is a new home. Almost finished. The walls are up. The floors are down. This home says to me, I will welcome you, but don’t forget to say goodbye to your old home. Where so much happened, where you became a writer and a wife and a mother, where you lost your father and found your passion.
These days, I am many things. I am a mother. A blogger. A writer. A wife. His wife. A woman on the move.
These are wonderful things. These are amazing roles. This is a good life.
But I am overwhelmed. I am tired. I am smiling and squinting and struggling through long days. The bounty is brilliant, but it is also a lot to carry at once.
And so. I don’t know, but I think that is why I had that moment. That slippery Sunday moment when five words floated through my head, one by one, forming a sentence I don’t like, but one I understand.
I am not good enough.
Because maybe when we are happy and harried and stretched and spinning, we have moments where we feel like we cannot hack it. Where we feel less than. Where we feel, well, not good enough to tackle the tangled trappings of our good and busy lives.
And so. Instead of pretending I didn’t have that moment, I decide to acknowledge it. Right here. To honor it even. Because it was a real moment. A raw moment. A universal moment. A human moment.
A moment you’ve probably had before too?
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- Have you ever felt inadequate when caught in the throes of real life?
- Do you think blogging encourages vulnerability?
- Do you feel like by doing so many things, we are stretching ourselves too thin?
- Do you think this phenomenon of trying to do it all and have it all is part and parcel of humanity? Of modernity? Of parenthood? Of personhood?
- When these five words float through your head, how do you cope?
(Say whatever you want. That you understand. That you don’t. That I’m a spoiled brat. Just speak up. Tell me what I already know. That I’m not alone in this.)
ILI DAILY CHARMS: TRUTH VIA COLLEAGUES
* Do you ever wonder what it’s like to be a baby, to be pillowed by unconditional and uncomplicated affection? I do. Please read this tiny and gorgeous post by Boy Crazy blogger Elizabeth.
* Do you sometimes feel something shifting? A “subtle change in direction”? Take a moment to read this post by new buddy Claire Bidwell Smith of Life in Chicago. It’s simply stunning.
* Today friend and fellow blogger Gale of the wonderful new Ten Dollar Thoughts talks food and resolutions and vows to eat her veggies. Later today, I’m off to meet with esteemed Foodtrainer and advice-giving friend Lauren Slayton. Should I follow Gale’s lead and go vegetarian for a bit? We will see what Lauren says. Stay tuned…
* Are you “demand resistant”? Click over to the lovely Gretchen Rubin’s Happiness Project and weigh in.
Yes. I think I’m not good enough far more than I think I am good enough. You’re right to point out that the bounty, while heavy, is brilliant. Thank you for reminding me of that.
It is so important to remind ourselves of its brilliance. I would rather engage in this wonderful juggling act and have moments of feeling overwhelmed than be bored or floating or unfulfilled. I think this business of adulthood and parenthood is never easy. But easy is never good, right?
I’m not sure if I get the words “I’m not good enough” very often, but I know I’m feeling deeply insecure when, even in moments that should be happy, I feel like a fraud. I felt this way when I graduated college, and I couldn’t enjoy it, I think because of the pressure of everything that was next. Doubting I could actually do that “real life” thing. It’s the same idea I guess, “I’m not good enough … and nobody else has realized that yet, but they will.” Uh oh. How the heck do we get past this?
So interesting because though I have felt the ebbs and flows of insecurity, I don’t really hear these exact words often. I think that’s why this moment seemed different, but maybe it wasn’t… Maybe it was just another of those fungible and fleeting points in time when the world seemed so busy and big and I felt a bit small. How do we ever get past this? Maybe by acknowledging the universality and omnipresence of *this*, of these muddled and very-human-moments. It’s got to be a good place to start, right?
YOU ARE TO!!!! BUCK UP AND ROCK IT WOMAN!!!!
I appreciate the words (and all caps), Nic. Thank you
You stole the words right out of my head. I’m feeling particularly vulnerable this morning, mostly because my 1-year-old son is not sleeping and I’m exhausted, but also for many of the same reasons you list above. I am blown away by the connections I’ve made in the blogging world because it is so intensely gratifying to read the experience of others and to be able to identify. It doesn’t feel so lonely. I tool feel as if my blog is an outlet that I want to grow and nurture. Already it has brought me such peace and motivates me to do more. I’m back to work and struggling to figure out the routine of it all. I have two beautiful boys who still need me intensely and sometimes in ways that I don’t always feel I can provide. I have friends who need me, and a best friend who needs me now more than ever before. I believe you read my post Not enough, it spoke a bit about just how you are feeling. I feel, like you, that I’m being pulled in all these wonderful, exciting directions, but there just isn’t enough of me to go around and so I am not good enough. Thank for this fantastic, wonderful post! I so enjoy your writing.
Feeling needed. Being pulled profoundly. Crumpling under exquisite exhaustion. These are all good things. Privileges. And yet. We are human. Mortal creatures with limited capacities. Sometimes, it is just too much. And I think in some odd and wonderful way, the blogosphere is a safe place where we can admit to these things. Where we can talk frankly, expose cracks in the impeccable facade that the rest of the world sees. I feel immensely thankful to have wandered here, to have found this place. And, yes, it is so good and encouraging to be reminded of the universality of these good questions and good struggles.
(Oh, and I did love that Not enough post of yours. I think my readers will too, so here is the link: http://litemochamom.blogspot.com/2010/02/not-enough.html)
Aidan, that is a heck of a lot of stuff to handle at once! A move in itself is so consuming and stressful. And handling the blog and girls and family….it’s a lot! And of course all the best things, like the book, bring stress with them as part of the deal. I was thinking the other day, it’s a good thing I’m not dating because I dont’ know how I’d fit it in. Pitiful.
It Can Be Done! And how lucky you are to have all this great stuff to juggle the hell out of!
Yes, the impossible juggling act is indeed a privilege and I will take it any day even if it means dropping some balls from time to time (and whining about it here). I do think that I am underestimating the enormity of the move. It’s not just about relocation. It’s about a new stage and a new start. It’s about saying goodbye to a home I love, where so many good and hard things happened. It’s about parting with a piece of me and of my past.
I am losing a race today with the “I’m not good enoughs.” A deadline looms…so I just want to say, I fight that feeling daily. It is something I want to work on. Then I feel bad for not working on it. Damn, I must REALLY not be good enough then!
It is a race, isn’t it? And one that cannot be won. Lovely. yes, you know you are in trouble when “stop worrying about the to-do list that is Life” is on your to-do list and thus causing you worry. Good, very good, to know that I am not alone in this race.
I am constantly amazed how often those words creep in and silently take hold. Thanks for the wonderful acknowledgement–and reminder that we are ALL good enough even when we are tired, cranky and stretched too thin. Thanks for sharing you vulnerability and reminding me of the truth that through vulnerability comes strength.
These words are silent creepers, aren’t they? They burrow into our consciousness and mess with us even when we know, really know, that we are more than “good enough” whatever that means ultimately. I am beginning to wonder – in reading your comment and the ones that surround it – whether this feeling is just part of what it means to be a conscious person who seeks happiness and improvement? Maybe if we always declared ourselves “good enough” life would become static and stalled? Thank you for popping by and joining the conversation!
Maybe if we always declared ourselves “good enough” life would become static and stalled?
I have to admit that is one of my fears–that the reason not feeling good enough sticks around is so I keep striving for more. Kind of the ying to the yang of it all. So therefore the key is keeping the balance between striving and loving ourselves. Which is why I love how you listed all that you have/are because that is a wonderful reminder to me that I am more than just my striving. Thanks again for keeping me thinking all day
Aiden: You are brave. To admit it. Everyone feels it but few will confess. It means letting your guard down. It means people may see that you aren’t perfect.
Clearly, right now, the only thing you are not good enough at is finding YOUR right balance. The balance between career and family pushes and pulls us. But when you find the balance you’ll feel right. You should embrace the fact that you have choices. You may not want to make them, but at least they are there.
I do not believe that you need to choose between career and family. You can make both important. It seems like you just need to change the proportions. Take a special day with your toddler when you should be working. Lay in bed every couple of weeks and snuggle with the girls later than you should. Even though they may still cry and scream when you go, at least you will have nurtured your inner mommy for that day.
I only know this because I walk on the same road as you.
Good luck.
And it is a good road, isn’t it? But sometimes there are bumps and sometimes, even on this exquisite path, we feel lost, right? What’s interesting is that in rereading my own post, I want to chide myself and tell myself to buck up and enjoy the good things that pepper my days. The point is that a lot of the time I don’t feel this way at all, but sense that I have cultivated a precarious balance between the various aspects of my life. There are just moments – and I had one last night – where it felt like too much. And this might be crazy, but if I ever convinced myself that I had found an answer, a correct personal balance, I would probably take on something else just to wreak existential havoc and stir up the questions… That’s just the way I am.
And as for admitting things, that’s the idea here. This blogosphere is a big and wonderful place. There is so much talent here and so much being said. I guess that I am realizing that I don’t want to take precious time from my days and my girls unless I am going to write about something raw and real and maybe a bit risky…
I think the hardest part is to change I’m not good enough into what you’re actually feeling that you can work with, if that makes sense. I’m not good enough is something I just keep having to tell myself to block out. It creeps up often… but the key is finding why I feel that way and working from there.
You’ve got a lot on your plate, but this too shall pass!
You can do it, lady
“Not good enough” is a refrain that plays through the female voice all too often in our culture. It’s especially important (in my opinion) that we reduce this noise – and it is noise – in the minds of our daughters.
We need to start by refusing to allow these words to take hold in our own inner dialogue. When you stop yourself – aware that the perception of not good enough or the feeling of not good enough is not the REALITY of “good,” or “great,” or “excellent” – then it’s a start.
STOP THE NOISE.
We are more than “good enough” – we are good, learning, evolving, wonderful, excellent, have more to learn, recognize areas for improvement, etc.
These words and expressions matter. Remap the words to the actual (overly judgmental) assessments, and you’ll start to see more clearly.
It takes time and practice. And I’ve found it works.
This isn’t arrogance or overstating one’s skills, but being kinder and truly more objective in their assessment. And recognizing language that is both imprecise and destructive.
While I think that “not good enough” is part of the universal human experience, I also think that it’s become more of a problem for women in the last 30-ish years–with the rise of feminism and the push to be able to have careers and such, it seems like now women feel extra pressure to be everything, AMAZINGLY, all at once: “Look, I can be an awesome wife and mom and give my children and husband everything they need, AND I can have a high-powered career and make a hug impact on the world at the same time!” Even for those of us not trying to save the world while making a perfectly balanced, organic, locally grown supper for our families, there are only so many hours in the day, and when we’re trying to do that much, something’s going to slip. Not everything can be perfect constantly. Like we really need to give ourselves that additional burden of thinking that we need to be perfect.
You have got a LOT going on right now, and that’s enough to stress the most confident of people, and I’d stand in complete awe of you if you didn’t feel a little overwhelmed at times. For now, I’ll just be impressed with the fact that you can voice that feeling out loud.
It’s hard to trust that you are good enough. Especially if you are ambitious and thoughtful.
Moving is HUGE; no wonder you feel like you’re losing it! Every time I move, I’m amazed that I actually did it without the aid of heavy pharmaceuticals.
I think anyone who doesn’t have these thoughts from time to time likely isn’t being completely honest with herself. You certainly are not alone here. We all have multiple aspects of our lives vying for our attention and it’s inevitable to feel inadequate at least some of the time.
I’ll be interested to hear what Food Trainers’ Lauren has to say about my vegetarian experiment. I’m excited about it, but I know it will be a challenge. I’d love the company on this journey if you want to join me!
Feelings of inadequacy and stress over not being able to be perfect at everything are 100% normal. A part of the human condition is always wanting to improve yourself!
For me, the fastest way to reassure myself that I am, indeed, a person who manages to hold it together (for the most part!) is seeking comfort with loved ones: husband, family, friends…and yes, even blog readers! These are the people who will tell you, “You are BETTER than ‘good enough.’ You are fantastic.”
Sometimes you need to hear it from somewhere outside your own head.
Hey Aidan, thanks for the shout-out. I was headed over here anyway and what a pleasant little surprise.
As for feeling not good enough, it comes in waves for me. But I think it’s key to identify what scale you’re measuring against. Because no one is scoring us in life. You give what you can, you scale back when you need to. Most ‘deadlines’ in life are artificial and self-imposed. (Excepting those coming from editors, which believe-you-me, I get.)
I have this recurring conversation with my mom along these lines. All of these things I want to do, so many writing projects I have started in my head or on scraps of paper, but no time to tackle them. (But really, there is time. Instead, I’m choosing to use some of that time with my husband and kids, right?) So maybe you pour energy into current book promotion and the blog, and those whispering characters have to wait their freaking turn while you play with your kids and date your husband or pack some boxes. When you finally get back to them, who knows what adventures they’ll have had in the meantime.
Good luck in the balancing act. Just remember that no one is giving you a grade at the end of this, and perfection doesn’t exist.
As always, great conversation starter, Aidan.
-elizabeth
Well I thought I was the only one that felt this way on Mondays – kidding – seems like on the weekends I get to reconnect with my man, toddler, family and friends and then I go back to work. A work that I don’t enjoy and in fact I feel it sucking the life out of me. The problem is that with this economy I am trying to feel blessed to have job but I can’t convince myself. Not feeling ever good enough is a real problem – I am trying to take the next step, to find out what my place in the crazy world should be – and mostly I just feel dissatisfied with myself as days end. Why are we so afraid to take risks, will I forever be trapped by my self doubt? – sorry for the ramble, but it is just one of those days. Thank you for the respite.
Yes, I often don’t think I’m good enough…but I think YOU are. I think that’s what we do; we think the person next to us is good enough, the person behind the blog we read, the person…etc. You get the idea. How we get out of this cycle is the question at hand.
By the way, I’m looking forward to reading your book! I’m shopping my first novel at the moment myself.
Thank you so much for putting into words what I feel every day (except the move). The joyful moments and the overwhelming moments. Yes, my blog does make me feel vunerable. But it has become an extension of my life and that vunerability helps me grow. When I feel that I’m not good enough I go to my “go-to-guy,” my husband. He’s my anchor and puts everything in perspective for me.
I tell myself I’m not good enough several times each and every day. But somehow I fight against it because I’m still here, writing, trying to get published, and looking for a job.
It’s impossible to give everything equal time at every moment. I don’t play enough with my kids and I berate them for losing patience with them (in all fairness, they test my patience too much), but I love them with everything I have. Sometimes my husband doesn’t get the attention he should, but sometimes I let other things go to give him attention.
Blogs are great because we can reach out as soon as we’re feeling down. Especially for writers, it’s great to connect with other writers.
Hope you’re feeling worthy soon.
And let me add, there’s nothing like a move to turn your world upside-down.
When I’m feeling this way (much too often) I think it comes from all of the ’shoulds’ I have in my head, which I’ve labeled the Deadly Shoulds. These may be damaging comparisons, unfinished tasks, vague notions that I should be somehow different than I am. I wrote a poem about it, as that’s my favorite therapy.
The Deadly Shoulds
Let them go
All of them
Do not let
one shadow
remain
of the shoulds
the deadly shoulds
Scrap them
Burn them
Trick them
Vomit them up and out
They will try to snare you
with their wheedling whining pleas
their antiseptic perfume
their weighted compliments
their prickly handshakes
They will grey your flesh
Cover you in dust
File you under undone
They will rifle through your dream machine
Put red rubber stoppers on all your gaskets
Plug up the exhaust system
Chase out the fairies
Choke out the magic plants
and leave you trussed
vacant
and full of lists.
You are publishing a book (my secret big dream.) I think you are good enough.
Oh sure. Definitely not alone. Someone that I didn’t know at all once told me that it was the Devil’s voice. Sometimes I wonder if he was right because the voice starts talking when I’m feeling vulnerable. Or overwhelmed, maybe like you. If the task is big and a little unfamiliar. Or if I can see sharks swimming around the perimeter of my task. Or I’m not sleeping well. Or if I’ve had to reschedule something because there was just not enough time to finish everything.
But like you, we can hear it and respond in kind by NOT sliding down the rabbit hole. We’re smarter now.
Some days are busier than others. Some days are more productive than others. But as I mentioned in a response to one of my commenters earlier today, each day is its own destination. So I bend my head in gratitude for the bounty that I have this day – a home, love, family, creativity, health, stability, something to contribute. And the voice fades.
Well, let’s see… I arrived at work to an error message that read, in part, “Something bad has happened…”
My dog spent the weekend trashing the house and losing the results of her binge out. both. ends.
I spent the weekend working overtime in my day job. Because it’s overflowing into nights and weekends. My daughter is less than psyched about that- as well she should be. I am the safety director for a 100 mile, human powered race in the remote mountains of Interior Alaska- and the race is three weeks away. I am five months away from ready.
But you know what? These words are plastered in the margin of my desk-pad and on my mind:
“The time will come when
With elation, you will greet
yourself
Arriving at your own front door…
You will love again
the stranger
Who was yourself.”
-Derek Walcott
That stranger might terrify me every morning, might not fold the laundry because there’s girl scout cookies to sort and deliver, might not sleep because she’s letting the dog outside every.half.hour, but by god- that stranger kicks ass.
It ain’t pretty, but you gotta love her. We are More. The sum of all the parts IS greater than the whole. Like I tell my personal training clients: good is the new perfect. Just do. Or do not. There is no “try”.
Well, you brought tears to my eyes today, Aidan, with your lovely list of all the pulls and tugs in your life, because it sounded just like mine. All the great things that I want to spend more time with, not less. All the things that I want to spend 100% of my time on, but there’s only 100% of me to go around in total, so how do I divide myself up? Something so great, so phenomenal, like having love and precious children, and all that, should be pure joy, but dividing myself? That’s agony.
I’m sure there’s an answer somewhere. Is it that I need to get better at it? Better at time management? Better at posting blog entries and commenting, and quicker at writing so there will be enough of me left over to be a wife and a mother?
Let’s try this again, my last comment went to internet obscurity. I’ve had a little too much of the “I’m not good enough” wave thoughts rocking my boat lately.
I’ve survived alcoholism, abuse and the final life changing kicker – going deaf. These days I wonder were the courageous, give all woman went to.
None of the above were easy. Yet I found what I needed to rise above. Honestly maybe it was just survival instinct. Now that I’m at a point I can do what I love, I’m full of dripping self loathing (maybe not as harsh as that). It just seems I’m working harder at believing in myself than I ever did back then.
Am I writer? I’m not throwing in the towel. That in itself is something. (Hugs)Indigo
Another excellent article, thanks! I know you are good enough, as we ALL are good enough, but just cannot let ourselves feel that way.
Do I think blogging encourages vulnerability? Absolutely, which I subscribe to the ones I do. It’s good to know that others struggle with the same things I do. Helps me to feel like I belong, like just maybe I might someday be good enough.
Trece
The “I am not good enough” mantra can suck the life right out of you. Better to focus on joy and gratitude for all that’s in your life, like you did here in this post. We can’t control or juggle everything that comes our way. But we can be compassionate, joyful, grateful people as life’s energy moves through us.
Oh, I am there. Juggling work and parenthood with being good for each other; building our house and sitting somewhere between dislocation and relocation. These ARE wonderful things, it IS an amazing life. But it’s overwhelming, too! And I frequently feel I’m falling short of fast enough, strong enough, and patient enough to do it all gracefully.
(So glad I read this today. Thanks for leading me here!)
Your tweet last night and post today made me think of a line I love from The Fellowship of the Ring: “I feel thin, like butter scraped over too much bread.” And I hazard to guess that this line, which summarizes how I feel so often, might just apply to you too.
As rich and delicious and fat with potential as butter is – as we are? – it loses some of its magic when there isn’t enough to spread around. And I struggle myself with where to apply it – how much – and when.
Sometimes I feel this. Thankfully, not too often. As long as I’m achieving something, producing something, doing something – then I can stave off wondering whether it’s enough. Busy is good (for me). It’s in the quiet moments that I falter.
I love the phrase you use: “exquisitely exhausted.” It’s important to distinguish between good stress and bad stress, good exhausted and bad exhausted.
We, your loyal readers of ILI, are so fortunate that you respond diligently and thoughtfully to every comment. But you don’t have to. I’m giving you permission, Aidan! We read you because you push us to reflect and grow and laugh through your writing – and we will continue to do that, even if you decide to post less often or write shorter posts or not reply to comments.
Take care of yourself!
Is isn’t amazing that most of us think we are not good enough at one point or another–or even in general.
I often wonder if asking your children to “do their best.” is good advice. The flip side of doing your best is I’m not good enough.
It is a slippery slope.
“But, Charlotte,” said Wilbur, “I’m not terrific.”
“That doesn’t make a particle of difference,” replied Charlotte. “Not a particle. People believe almost anything they see in print.”
I feel I am not good enough a lot. I sometimes think that even though I dropped out of the Juilliard acting program (because I was not good enough), I put on a great show for the world.
It’s nice to know I am not alone in feeling this way. Now, the real question is, what *can* we do to feel good enough?
oh girl, we ALL feel this way, at least once in awhile! So many of us 21st century women are so overbooked and so tired from juggling the many roles we play… When we really need our internal cheerleader to keep us going, she is often too overwhelmed to show up too!
Oddly enough, my illustrated blog post this week is on a very similar topic, the self-punishing habit of looking in the mirror and thinking that your body is not good enough.
I understand. You are not alone.
I try and think of my kids when I feel inadequate— whatever I do wrong, I’m doing something right to have those little pumpkins.
So well written (as usual) Aidan. I guess for me, I just always feel like I could and should do and be more. Be a better, more compassionate wife. Be a more patient mom. Be a more visible and connected friend. Be better at keeping up the house. Be more flexible with my time. And the list goes on and on. We all have to realize that we can only BE so much. We can’t be everything to everyone as much as we want to. We need to chop the word “enough” off of the sentence and say, “I AM GOOD”. There will always be more we can do and be but really, we just expect too much from ourselves.
Aidan,
I’m an undergrad, finishing up my second year of college, so “I’m not good enough” crosses my mind more than a few times per week
As such, your post today (though, I cannot relate to the children/husband aspect of it) is exactly what I needed. So, thank you from the very bottom of my heart.
Also, I love what you wrote in reply to someone’s comment: “Maybe if we always declared ourselves “good enough” life would become static and stalled?” I feel like that’s going to get me through a few (thousand) more of these “I’m not good enough” days.
I am not good enough to join my family at the holidays so I serve fancy dinners at a spoup kitchen every week. I’m not good enough to wear expensive designer clothes, so I organize coat drives for the homeless. I’m not good enough to be part of a clique that gossips over cocktails, so I blog about volunteers who are changing the world. Good can not be measured by the amount of money you make, the number of hours you work or whether your relationships last longer than Chanukah. Good comes from independent thinking, trusting your own advice and dancing to the Sid Vicious version of “My Way” whenever self-doubt creeps in.
Yes, I feel “not good enough” sometimes, and I do think it is today’s version of motherhood. We are not “just moms” (as if!)…we are moms who do and be. We want to do great things, we want to be our true selves, we want it all. And perhaps women always did, perhaps my mom, who was the stereotypical housewife, also wanted all of this, too, but then, there were expectations, and so perhaps her restlessness was silenced inside her own head. We definitely spread ourselves thin…we have all these facets, demands, jobs, sides…but I’d definitely prefer it that way. I can not stand the idea of being one-dimensional, in my life or in my own head. I’d rather it be stressful and difficult, but that there be many passions and many roles.
As far as blogging…YES! I do feel it encourages vulnerability, IF you allow it to do so. I promised myself I’d be honest, even if it was insulting (which I think, recently, it was for one reader), even if I was scared, even if it made me uncomfortable. I have gotten braver and braver as I’ve blogged (a year this week), and it has been incredibly freeing…not just as a writer, but as a person.
For the most part, there are two instances where “I’m not good enough” pops up in my life: (1) relationships; and (2) work.
In relationships it creeps in either when someone chooses not to start or to end a relationship with me, whether it be a friendship or a romantic relationship. Or where that person chooses someone else over me. How can you not feel as though you are not good enough in those situations. At work, it creeps up pretty much everyday, as I am always getting assignments where I feel as though I have no idea what I’m doing, or where my boss and I have had a disconnect about what the assignment was and I have done it completely wrong, or where I have missed a large concept in a document, etc.
The moment passes a little quicker in relationship situations because I try to move on as best I can and meet new people, whether friends or romantic prospects. The moment lingers continously at work unfortunately. Perpetuating the other questions that come along with “I’m not good enough” — will I ever be good enough? Will I ever be good at this? Is this what I should be doing with my life? Will this ever make me happy?
As is clear by the comments here, expressing the I’m not good enough feeling encourages others to tell you that you are. But for me, that doesn’t really solve the problem. I tend not to believe what people say about me, be it good or bad. I have to believe it myself, and just hearing someone say it doesn’t make me believe it. I have to have an event or a moment, or whatever, of accomplishment that makes me know I’m good enough. Such as finding that great friend or companion, even for a little bit. Or getting positive feedback at work for something I have done.
The boys and I get together and talk about what it means to be 40+ and have we done enough. None of us feel that we have.
During times like this I turn to Dr. Seuss and read “Oh The Places You’ll Go.”
Have you ever felt inadequate when caught in the throes of real life?
–Yes, on a regular basis. Too regular.
Do you think blogging encourages vulnerability?
–Yes, in a refreshing way. It opens the doors for our frustrations, insecurities, etc to be let go. They come back, but when we ‘put it out there’ for the ‘world’ to see it’s like we’re acknowledging that we’re just as human as the next person. It’s a lot easier (and more acceptable) to blog about the truths in our lives than it is for us to stand on a podium in public and start speaking the truth, eh?
Do you feel like by doing so many things, we are stretching ourselves too thin?
– Most definitely. It’s all about balance. When things are out of balance, crash occurs. Just because we have so many things we want to achieve doesn’t mean they must be done in record speeds. Life is short, but it’s long at the same time…if we do everything all at once, we’ll be bored later. Timing is everything…balance is key.
Do you think this phenomenon of trying to do it all and have it all is part and parcel of humanity? Of modernity? Of parenthood? Of personhood?
–A little of each, but for some I think it’s mainly personhood. Some of us put much more pressure on ourselves than others. We buy into the belief that we have to ‘have it all’…when, in actuality, all we need is clearly different. We receive peace when we learn to savor the ‘needs’ more than the ‘wants’ and see that the ‘wants’ are just icing on the cake.
When these five words float through your head, how do you cope?
–I take a deep breath, sit back and realize how truly blessed I am. I woke up. I have another day. I remember to cherish the day I was given. I tend to FREAK sometimes when I have a LONG list of things I want to do and not enough time or resources to achieve everything. Then I remember how my husband almost passed away 5 years ago…life would be SO different right now without him. I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass about the things on my list right now had he passed away. Perspective. I remind myself to focus on what REALLY brings me joy and peace and then I thank the Lord for another day.
You’re good enough…trust me.
~melody~
Oh, Aidan, I understand. I have had so many periods in which these words have buried me, BURIED ME, underneath their weight. I guess the challenge is not allowing them to penetrate your defenses. It is hard. Very hard.
I wrote about this a week ago (I think) and mentioned that I have my demons–the mother demon, the writer demon, the wife demon–each telling me that I’m not good enough. Battling with them everyday is tiresome. Sometimes I just cave into their belittling remarks. And, other days, I stand up, fight, and win (or semi-win).
Truthfully, though, I learn a little bit each time I battle. I learn that I don’t have to be perfect. I also learn to trust myself and my husband.
Thank you for sharing this very vulnerable part of yourself.