Sexy or Sweet? (Deepish Questions After the Final Rose)
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Last night, as part of Project Blonde Again, Husband and I snuggled up on the couch to watch the DVRed season finale of The Bachelor.
(I will give you a moment to judge me.)
Okay, onwards. You either watch this show and know how it everything turned out or you don’t watch this show and therefore don’t really care. The point is that I am not spoiling anything for anyone here. Phew.
A smidge of background: Jake, a handsome and wholesome pilot decides to try his luck on the “Wings of Love” and see if he can land himself a wife. ABC producers corral a bevy of young women – some shockingly normal-seeming and some not so much – and off they go, gallivanting in and out of ubiquitous hot tubs, subsisting on a diet of booze and roses and test-run “kisses.” Now, I am not one to judge this format for finding true love. Seriously. I met my man in a bar at one in the morning. It’s all good.
Anyway. The weeks fly by (love these aviation puns) and I miss several episodes of the show because I’m too busy flailing like a drama queen in the deep end of my ocean. But I tune in here and there. Just enough to understand the trajectory of this season’s story. It becomes immediately clear that there is one girl who is universally detested by the others. Her name is Vienna. And there is one girl who allegedly “fell out of a Disney movie” and “dreams in cartoons” – Tenley – a creature who is cute and giggly and oozing with suspicious amounts of joy. Interestingly, both of these women were been married before The Bachelor. But that is neither here nor there. Just interesting to moi.
In the end, Jake narrows it down to these two women: the blonde and caustic Vienna and the brunettish and bubbly Tenley. When deliberating about his decision for the cameras, puppy-eyed Jake declares that it is so hard because he is in love with both women and that he can see both as his wife. But then he clues us into something and something critical: that he is more physically attracted to Vienna.
Cut to the chase. He picks Vienna. He proposes to her. She squeals yes.
Okay, fine. We’ll see how this turns out. The show’s track record isn’t so stellar. But I’m not that concerned with how Jake and Vienna fare in the big, bad real world. I’m more interested in some questions this flufffest raised for me. And the show might be a bit shallow, but I don’t think these questions are. Let’s see if you agree.
Is there anything wrong with being a “looks person”? With picking a life partner based on physical chemistry?
I don’t think so. Hey, we are biological creatures. There is something very Darwinian about all this. If I am being honest, I fell for Husband at first because he was such a gorgeous specimen. Fortunately, it turned out that he was exceedingly intelligent and funny and kind as well. But in the beginning? He was just an old school hottie.
Is it really possible to be in love with two people at once?
This is where I get confused. Lust is one thing. We can be attracted to many people at once, I imagine. But romantic love? Can it really be felt, truly be felt, for two people at once? And is it really possible to fall in love in six weeks while on camera?
Does the very format of this show render it almost impossible that the ultimate union will thrive?
It doesn’t really shock me that the couples that emerge after “the final rose” do not usually survive once the cameras stop rolling. Can a relationship predicated on scripted encounters and a game which pits several (often celebrity-hungry) creatures against each other really stand the test of time? Maybe so. Maybe I am judging from my little plot of real-world existential earth?
Who knows? Who cares?
Thank you for indulging me as I dip my toe in the shallow end once more. In doing so, I am all smiles because I realize something, something so many of you mentioned in your thoughtful comments yesterday: Deep and shallow are not mutually exclusive. These two sides can and do collide and commingle. In moments. In minds.
In blog posts.
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- Do you think a relationship or marriage rooted in physical attraction can flourish and last over time?
- Do you believe that you can find love anywhere, even on a television show?
- Do you watch The Bachelor? Did you watch this season?
- Do you think it is possible to be in love with two people at the very same time?
- Do you agree that meaning and deeper questions can be found almost anywhere as long as we squint and look?
ILI DAILY CHARMS
* Click and read this insightful Huffington Post piece on contemporary shifts in publishing industry roles by my incomparable literary agent Jean Naggar.
* Are we humans shaping our own evolution? Read this fascinating NYT article that identifies human culture as an evolutionary force.
* It seems I am not the only perfectionista who battles the Not Good Enoughs. Check out Tanya Geisler‘s piece In Support of Settling.
* Do we really have to play with our kids? Is there a benefit to parental preoccupation and teaching our kids skills of self-reliance? Lenore Skenazy of Free-Range Kids ponders these and other provocative questions in her recent post Up With Boredom!
I don’t watch The Bachelor. But I have no problem with him picking the woman he’s more attracted to, all other things being equal. I don’t honestly believe that any of them are in love with each other (maybe with themselves, but not each other), but our bachelor has to pick someone, so if there really isn’t anything deeper to make one woman stand out above the other, why not looks? The “relationship” isn’t going to last until the six-week review.
I think attraction is very important in a relationship–physical intimacy can go a long way in uniting a couple. There’s nothing wrong with starting a relationship because your partner is good looking. But I don’t think that physical attraction can be the ONLY reason why you’re in a relationship. “Good in bed” or “easy on the eyes” is all well and good, but you can’t really stay in bed constantly, and you can’t just spend all your time drooling over each other. That’s not a relationship.
I think you can love more than one person at a time, but I think real romantic love can only be directed at one person at a time. I think “in love” is an active verb, and requires too much of our time and energy for us to share it with more than one. If a couple isn’t actively cultivating a relationship, I don’t think that they can really say that they are “in love,” though they may love each other.
(Honestly, that was one of the reasons I didn’t care for the third book in the Twilight series–hey, so I like to read fluff sometimes. While I could believe that Bella could visualize herself in a good long-term relationship with either Jacob or Edward, I couldn’t buy that she was actually IN LOVE with both at once. Love Jacob as a very dear friend and even potential romantic interest, sure, but not be IN LOVE with him and still feel the all-consuming, obsession love–which I roll my eyes at, but we won’t go into–that she had with Edward. To be actually IN LOVE with Jacob would have required that she completely let Edward go as anything more than a fond memory. But that’s just me.)
I think that while physical attraction plays a role, it shouldn’t be the defining factor in a marriage. I personally think Tenley is more attractive and Vienna has a past worth running away from. And she just strikes me as fake. I’ll admit, I only watched one full episode and the last half hour of the finale. But when all the girls dislike someone– they probably have some character flaws. Perhaps her true colors will come out as he salsas with his dance partner this season. I digress..
I think it’s possible to imagine yourself with two different people and play out the possibilities in your head. That’s more like strong feelings than love.
You need both emotional/intellectual chemistry AND physical chemistry for a relationship to work. (Don’t the best marriages start with one girl saying to another girl, “I met the HOTTEST guy last night!”)
I’m not sure you can truly be in love with two people at once. It made me crazy when Jake was looking at rings and was *still* torn. He needed a ring for each until he made his decision? Dude, when you’re at the point when you’re ring shopping, it’s time to make a choice!
Ah, Edward Cullen. I think it’s impossible to love anyone after laying eyes on him. I’m kidding. Sort of.
Can I pre-order your new book on aviation puns?
When my grandmother died last all, I was completely floored by the things my granddad kept mentioning about her. They had been married 63 years! They were one of those idyllic couples who you could just SEE how in love they still were. Everyone in our family aspires to be them. They had a deep, meaningful connection based on trust and openness and support and faith and smarts and humor and all that good stuff. So what did my grandfather in the bone rattling time of those first few days talk about? Her looks. How she had such a nice figure. And the prettiest eyes. And hair and legs and breasts. It was sort of wild. I have never thought of them like that. But clearly they had a deep, deep physical connection.
I watched The Bachelor this season which I rarely do. I needed some shallow end in my life I guess. The whole show is a fantasy. I think Jake is a hottie and I fell into the fantasy and at one point pretended I was one of the girls competing for his attention! Never mind the fact that I’m old enough to be his mother and a far cry from any of the girls on the show… oh and that I’ve been happily married for 25 years. But thats what that show did for me….let me create a fantasy. How else would I even imagine myself waking up in St Lucia in a bed that overlooks the ocean… and flying around in a helicopter. I mean come on. That is some serious bucks!
And it made me realize that its kinda nice to click back into the real world after escaping for an hour each week. Click back into real love and real people and real life.
Ha ha! I’ve watched not just the Bachelor but also the Bachelorette in years past. It’s like chocolate mousse — yummy, fluffy and satisfying. I missed the Jake season but thanks for the recap. I kind of think there is depth in the shallow and shallow in the depth. But then again I’m not a black and white gal(who is). Thanks for giving me a platform to announce my affinity for these shows.
Love this post — celebrity gossip morphs into an actual serious question. Your writing sang through this — was it easier to write, I wonder? Did the words flow quickly and lightly? My guess is yes — and this shone through. Just a thought related to your last post re: deep thoughts vs. frivolity (i.e., blondness.) (Is blondness a word, even? Did I spell it right?)
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
I am so beyond thrilled that you wrote a “Bachelor” post! I don’t actually watch the show, but I do tune into my fair share of garbage TV and admire anyone willing to admit to a public forum that they do too.
Re: physical aspects defining a relationship…
I don’t know how you could ever completely disregard looks. We are programmed to have, as you write, Darwinian/biological responses to each other’s appearances. It would be impossible to be in a relationship with a person who looked offputting to you, I think.
That said, I am the girl who married her best friend. I have known him for 13 years, and we have been in a relationship for 10 years straight next week (Yay!!!).
My relationship didn’t start with lightning bolts, so I’d add that it is truly wonderful to know lightning bolts, fireworks, and passionate romantic attraction can develop when you spend hours with a person and get to know them oh-so well. I didn’t walk into a room and lock eyes with him.
What I remember is a moment in my junior year dormroom where I suddenly realized that I loved him and found him extremely attractive. And it was frightening, exhilarating, and perfect because it turned out he felt the same way about me. So I guess there were lightning bolts, but they just came later…
I love it that you dabble in the shallow end from time to time. I think that kind of mindless activity is essential to keep us sane – at least, that’s what I tell myself while watching American Idol, anyway.
While I have to admit, I’ve watched a couple of episodes this season and it was quite entertaining (= shallow taking-your-mind-off-stuff-stuff),I can’t even tell you HOW MUCH IS WRONG with this kind of show.
I just don’t understand why a self-respecting girl would go on this show to “compete” for a guy (who, admittedly, is a hottie)_ who’s just in it for making out with 24 girls at the same time. Seriously.
And how he then goes on and on about how hard it is to send some of the girls home (duh! obviously. One less girl to make out with!) and how he has “connected” and “fallen in love” with each of those women!
Blegh. I need to vomit.
I wouldn’t want this guy for the world.
I am probably not a good one to ask about a relationship lasting over time, seeing as I have yet to manage that feat for longer than 6 months. However, the main reason for that is that my physical attraction to the men with whom I have ended relationships has floundered. I have a very, very hard time being intimate with someone that I am not legitimately physically attracted to and, seeing as I believe that intimacy (both physical and emotional) has to be a large part of a marriage to work, I feel that I have made the right decisions in the past. So yes, I do believe that a relationship rooted in physical attraction can flourish and last over time . . . BUT I also believe that a relationship in which one of the individuals did not immediately have physical attraction for the other but it developed over time can ALSO flourish and last.
I do believe you can find love anywhere, but I don’t believe it is realistic to believe that you can find it on a TV show in 6 weeks. Sure, we’ve all heard the story of people who have gotten married after 2 weeks of knowing each other and they have been together for 30+ years and are going strong. But we also have heard many more stories about people like that who haven’t made it for the long haul so . . .
I do watch The Bachelor and I did watch this season.
I agree that you can be both in love and lust with two people at one time; however, I don’t believe that you would know that throughout the course of a 6 week TV show. I do believe that you can love someone and not necessary want to spend the rest of your life with them, which allows me to believe that you can love two people at the same time, but perhaps not be IN love with two people at the same time. I am not quite sure what the difference is, but I do believe you can have the feeling that society defines as love with more than one person, perhaps at the same time. I am not a believer that there is one soul mate for everyone – I believe that you can meet more than one person you would be happy with for the rest of your life, it just may happen that you never meet one. Or you meet one, then the other and decide to leave the first for the second, or any number of combinations.
And yes to your last question. I believe we can find meaning and deeper questions almost anywhere.
As I said in my last comment…I swim, breast stroke, butterfly and backstroke in the shallow end. I do shallow. Thus, I watched The Bachelor. Two things (well, two I will mention) get to me about Jake and the way this all ended.
1) Jake, pre-show, moaned on and on about how he was always judged by women and ultimately ditched for being just too perfect. That women just didn’t seem to appreciate that he was just simply a good man. That he shouldn’t be criticized for being such. That women seemed to want the bad boys (ie Jillian and Wes, but I digress) over the fairy tale man. DID NO ONE SEE WHAT HAPPENED HERE?! Tenley was clearly “too perfect”. He chose the Hooters girl. Pot, meet kettle. Good luck with that one, Jake. She’ll bore of you in no time.
2) If I heard him say one more time that he just “followed my heart”, my goodness. No. No, no, Jake. You followed your you-know-what and you know it. America knows it. Tenley knows it.
Sigh. Moving along…
Alli as next Bachelorette? What do you think?
Dragging you deeper into the Blondehood,
Swooper
Great questions to ponder.
When I think about this show, I think about the old school movie “Yours, Mine, and Ours.” In a surprisingly in depth conversation about sexual relationships with the eldest teen daughter of his new wife, the father (Frank) tells her this–
“It’s giving life that counts. Until you’re ready for it, all the rest is just a big fraud. All the crazy haircuts in the world won’t keep it turning. Life isn’t a love in, it’s the dishes and the orthodontist and the shoe repairman and… ground round instead of roast beef. And I’ll tell you something else: it isn’t going to a bed with a man that proves you’re in love with him; it’s getting up in the morning and facing the drab, miserable, wonderful everyday world with him that counts.” (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0063829/quotes)
I think about this quote often. I highly doubt that (Bachelor) relationship will work. It is much too artificial.
Relationships do need the physical attraction, but there must also be a pull in other directions. There must be the willingness to face the harsh realities of life together.
Excellent, excellent post Aidan.
I don’t watch those shows, but I’m glad you met your husband in a bar. I’m a single dad on the dating scene, and there aren’t enough women like you heading out for drinks in my neck of the woods. If only they knew what sorts of great guys were sipping cocktails in nice restaurant bars…
I think you can be in lust with more than one person. But deep true love? I don’t know, maybe I’m being naive, but I think not.
As a man I can see a certain attraction in being The Bachelor. It is chance to go screw around with a dozen women and know that none of them can complain because they all knew what they were signing up for.
It might have been of some interest in my twenties, but even then I don’t really think I would have done it. It is fun to think about, but not real. And far too much work.
On a serious note, I wouldn’t want to find love on national television. I don’t need to broadcast my life that way. And the idea of my true love being able to watch me with other women just seems cruel.
I really love that you wrote a post based on The Bachelor! It makes me relate to you even more knowing you indulge in silly shows like this too! I have a blog to share with you that you may enjoy- it’s not written by me but I pass on to everyone to enhance their bachelor viewing experience- read one post and you will be hooked: http://www.ihategreenbeans.com
Now, I do believe there has to be more than a physical attraction because after all looks change over time…but I also love a good fairytale ending and at least living in my shallow end momentarily where these people are in love- except this season which is a whole ‘nother issue and left me feeling heartbroken for Tenley!
ROFLMAO!!!!! i read this post and couldn’t get beyond the word “wholesome” because i am sleep deprived and saw “WHOREsome.”
not that there’s anything wrong with that… just sayin.
Nic, I kept writing conslutant in my documents yesterday. Which sent me into a fit of giggles every time.
Despite being a TV watcher and a woman with a decidedly high tolerance for fluff, I have somehow never seen The Bachelor (as a side note, I’ve also never seeen American Idol or Dancing with the Stars – how?). But my parents watch it and love it – totally out of character for both.
I do think you can find love anywhere, but I am suspicious of the depth of feeling that can take hold over a few weeks in front of rolling cameras. I’m also suspicious of a person proposing to one woman after admitting to being in love with another.
I’m all for late night meetings in bars. Prime-time proposals on TV? Less sure.
I love that I’m reading a bachelor post while watching American Idol- who has the most shallow end? I think it’s fine to act first on physical attraction but you then have to weigh the other factors. Tenley seemed like a female version of Jake and he didn’t choose her (somewhat interesting) and Vienna (though Jake clearly attracted to) was, in the opinion of many, well you know. All in all you had this white bread guy who you would expect to be predictable and he chose the previously married, bad girl with the wacko father. I had tweeted that it was like watching someone who is trying diet eat a cake. Oh well, entertaining and thought provoking like your post.
I was not immediately attracted to my husband but over the course of several dates he became my prince. Before him I really only dated guys I found instantly hot so I find it interesting that the guy I married took a different path. Interesting post!
I love the layout of your blog! Found you because of SITS. Thanks for such an inviting stop on my little blog hop!
Outrageous joy,
Kathy over at Everyday Bliss
http://www.blisspot.blogspot.com/
I have evidently had my fill of Bachelor/Bachelorette seasons. I use to watch all the time and might have seen three episodes this season. I truly sat there Monday night thinking he was going to walk away without proposing – and wish he had rather than propose to Vienna. How is that for judgment?
I don’t think physical attraction can be discounted in a relationship or a marriage. You do have to wake up next to the person every morning. There are mornings I thank the heavens there is no one seeing what I look like when I get up.
I found out recently that I am a one guy person. I can’t do the whole let’s fall in love with two people. I can love to people but that love will be totally different. Lust after two people – or a pair of hot shoes – yes. Be in love with two people – not a chance.
My husband and I met on Match.com. We were each other’s first match/date from the online world. We’ve been married six years this month. I think we’re one of the few success stories.
So the Hubs and I watched the finale too. Mind you, we didn’t watch the whole series, just the first and the last and the rest was filled in for me by my bloggie friends.
I think it is safe to say that the show is a recipe for failure, but like a car wreck, one that we can’t stop watching.
PS Stopping by from SITS today.
I have never watch an episode of The Bachelor and this is the first time that I actually feel like I am missing out on something. Everyone is talking about this!
To answer one of your questions, I think The Bachelor (whatever his name is) is lying through his teeth when he says he loves both of them. I don’t think that is possible. And you know that when Bachelor and Vienna get home, she’s gonna be all “do you really love her too? You better have been lying and only love me.” And he’ll probably say “No, baby, you are the only one for me.”
I think it’s all done for the show.
I signed off on this show a couple of years ago (thankfully so)
Just wanted to add that I enjoyed reading your profile; I’ve got PLENTY of insecurities, but alas, no Ivy League degree to help assuage things….