The Ex Factor
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Do you stay in touch with your exes? Because I don’t.
First of all, I have only two. My high school boyfriend. And my college boyfriend. Sure, there were dalliances here and there between relationships, but nothing really worth mentioning here. Particularly because certain people read my blog. (Hey, Grammy!)
So, I have two exes. And I speak to them never.
Thanks to Facebook and a scattering of once-mutual friends, I have some vague sense of what they are up to, but that’s about it. My high school boyfriend had a baby not long ago and I saw the photos of his adorable son (and his gorgeous wife) on Facebook. I looked through these photos, the bright blue eyes of his first-born, the impossibly vast smile on my ex’s face and I said to myself, This is ridiculous. If this were anyone else in the world, I would send a quick note of congratulations and say hello. It really should be no different for an ex-boyfriend whom I haven’t seen or spoken to in well over a decade.
And so. Being the little rebel I am (ha), I fired off a personal message to my high school ex welcoming him to the wonderful world of parenthood. I said something trite and true like, Having kids is the best thing that has ever happened to me, so enjoy this! And then, immediately upon sending, I felt a stab of guilt like I had crossed some invisible and ominous line. And then. Then I promptly fessed up to Husband over dinner that night. We dined at an outdoor table across from the Museum of Natural History. We shared a plate of delectable flash-fried artichokes. I told Husband that my ex from high school who is now a doctor in California had his first baby. And that I congratulated him via Facebook message. And Husband smiled. He couldn’t care less.
And then there is college boyfriend. We were together for more than four years. For better or worse, I don’t think he is on Facebook. But I do hear bits and pieces about him from time to time. I know that he is pursuing a career that is passionate about and last I heard he is dating a girl seriously and a great girl at that. He could be married now. Who knows. But hearing these things? It makes me smile. Because, once upon a time, I care a whole lot about this guy. And his family. And his happiness.
And so. Where are we going here? It is hard to say, but bear with me. Yesterday’s conversation about the viability of male-female friendships got me thinking. It was a phenomenal exchange – thanks to you guys – and sparked something in me. Many of you left comments mentioning exes. And I realized that this is a big, fat and interesting conversation unto itself.
Exes. What role do they play (or not play) in our current lives and minds?
And so. Here I am, racing the clock, clumsily writing about this. About this question. About these rules I intuit, perhaps foolishly, in our adult word. The rule that once we settle (and I say settle in the best possible sense of the word), we are implored not to shake things up by thinking (or writing) about past relationships or speaking to exes. The rule that once we walk away from someone, we are not meant to look back. The rule that once we finish one chapter of our life – whether it ends gracefully or messily – we are meant to get on with our story…
Maybe these rules don’t exist. Maybe I made them up in my head. Maybe they are aspects of my own prudence. I do know many people who keep in close contact with their exes and even see them from time to time. Truth be told, this baffles me. Maybe some of us can make this work and some of us just can’t.
But part of me thinks it is a shame to cut all ties and burn once robust bridges. My exes were once a part of my life and I have many fond memories of them and I think it is a bit arbitrary and capricious to insist that there is never ever any more communication ever. It just seems harsh.
Or maybe just smart?
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- How many exes do you have? Do you ever speak with them or see them? Do you have a sense of what they are up to?
- Do you think this modern age of social media makes it too easy to keep tabs on our past flames?
- What dictates our willingness or unwillingness to stay in contact with exes? The nature of the breakup? Partner’s proneness to jealousy? Our own fears of what might happen? Societal expectations?
- Do you and your partner ever talk about your respective exes? Are you careful not to talk about past relationships in front of your children if you have them?
I love this. I posted about googling your ex (http://itsamummyslife.blogspot.com/2010/01/have-you-googled-your-ex.html). I’m with you. I don’t stay in touch with any of them because I actually just don’t like them all that much any more but also because we all move on. LOL at telling your husband. I’d do the same, ridiculous really.
Welcome to ILI, Holly! It does amuse me how I feel compelled to tell Husband absolutely everything. I guess it’s good, but it’s also kind of unnecessary!
I was going to post that I do keep in touch with them, but then I realized that the main one I’m interested in keeping up-to-date with, it’s because I’m not over him. So I’m not sure where that leaves me…
I am still friends with my high school boyfriend. He even came to my wedding (and made-out with a bridesmaid!). We are not super close and over the years (as I wrote in my comment yesterday) we have not stayed in touch as much, but I like being friends with him. Besides from being a lot of firsts for me, he was my best friend for a few years there and I still care about him.
Of course, when he almost brought some actress he was dating in LA to my wedding I had a minor freak-out, but no one is perfect.
I am so happy you blogged about this, because something happened to me over the past month or two, and I don’t know what to do:
I heard through the grapevine that my one serious ex-boyfriend’s little brother is seriously ill. We dated for two and a half years, and I spent many hours at his family’s home. I spent tons of time with his little brother when he was just a high schooler.
The breaking-up was one sided (mine), and he was very upset for a long time. I think it’s been healthy for us to slowly phase out of each other’s lives, but how do you NOT write a note/say something when a 20-something you liked very much is seriously ill, and a 30-something you cared deeply for is likely extremely upset about his brother?
I am in a what-to-do quandary on this, and have no idea whether it’s better to call or leave it alone.
I think it would be appropriate to drop a note or a short call. These people in our pasts were special. That bound shapes us into the people we are now. Hearing about something that devastating, I would think it would be appreciated that you care enough, have respect enough for the family as a whole to want to send well wishes. I think it would be taken just that way, too.
I am with Christine. I have one ex whose family lives close to me. While we haven’t kept in touch much, if I were to find out one of the family was sick or, as our parents are getting to be of that age since I am almost 50, that there was a death in his family, I would go visit at the hospital or go to calling hours without a second thought. Drop a quick note to both the ex and his brother.
This is such a tough question and I don’t have any ready advice. I think that it probably can’t hurt to reach out and say that you are thinking of your ex and his family during this difficult time. But it is so hard to go there after all this time and after so many emotions were involved.
Thanks everyone. My instinct was to send a note, and with the replies here, I think I will. It’s been a while, but I think it is definitely the right thing to do.
I kept in touch with my college boyfriend (a 2+ year relationship) for several years after we broke up…partly because we lived in the same small college town, and it’s hard not to run into people:) And I liked hearing what he was up to, who he was dating, etc. But for some reason, after I got married, it just seemed stranger to maintain that contact. Not full-on inappropriate, but…weird. I will always appreciate him for being my “first serious relationship” and for what he taught me about what I was looking for long-term. I always think fondly on him, but ever really feel the desire to keep in touch.
I used to keep up with more formers than I do currently. The reason: I think sheer drifting apart. Yes, I have some Facebook connectivity with some, but there came a point when what we once had in common had faded, and not just the liking each other thing we had in common.
Also, as people get married, there is a tendency to want to phase out exes. Like it or not, a lot of husbands and wives aren’t super-psyched about your having a monthly (or quadrennial) phone call with someone you once spent naked time with.
My general policy is to acknowledge life-changing events in relationships that didn’t end poorly, the same as I do with non-sexual friendships that fizzled. If someone moved away and is going to be in town, yeah, I’ll have drinks or dinner, and I would probably let people know if I was coming to their town.
Still, I wonder if some of it has to do with liking the person I am now better than the person I was then and realizing that the choices in men I made were a reflection of the person I was; and not liking that.
That being said, high school ex and I are on the phone each week for a minimum of 2 hours (what we talk about I have no idea), and he bought me a Skype phone for Christmas because he might be moving abroad.
i have always felt that unless you were just friends before dating someone, you don’t know how to be friends. I still feel that way. I am not friends with any of my exes. I find no reason really to be friends with them. Yes, they were a big part of my life when they were in my life, but now that they’re not, I have let them go. I think there would just be too much in the back of our minds. There would always be some sort of white elephant in the room. We broke up for a reason and those reasons still exist and I believe would apply to a friendship as well. This is just MY situation and everyone may feel differently but the times I’ve tried to be friends with an ex… something always got in the way.
Four exes – 2 high school, 2 college. I am sort of in touch with 2 of them, not really in touch with 1, and not at all in touch with the other. My level of contact has a lot to do with the extent to which our lives have been interconnected by other means.
The 2 that I’m sort of in touch with are connected to me through mutual friends and we bump into each other periodically at weddings and other events. One is a FB friend, but not much more. And the other I haven’t seen or heard from in about 12 years.
Actually, I’m happy enough with all of these arrangements. I haven’t found my encounters with exes to be awkward if there’s a reason for the contact. But staying in touch just to remain in each other’s lives would feel very uncomfortable for me.
Usually, they are ex-boyfriends for a reason.
One day my friend and I dared each other to find our first serious boyfriends on Facebook and send a message. Surprisingly, my ex answered. We’ve been doing the social media thing back and forth for about a year now. It turns out that we have more in common now as parents than we ever did while dating. Sometimes it’s nice to ask the opinion of a male friend… even on parenting topics. We’ll never meet for drinks, lunch, or family picnics because we live on opposite ends of the country. My hubby and I have a secure relationship and he doesn’t mind that I communicate with my college boyfriend. Hubby Facebooks with female friends and I’m fine with that too.
Great questions! Just have to say it’s really cute that you felt guilty for simply sending an email to congratulate your ex for having his first child. That’s got to be the most innocent reason one could find for communicating with an ex…
If I were your husb, I’d have thought it so sweet that you’re so considerate of his feelings.
I don’t know about rules: it’s kind of subjective right? If you still have un-resolved feelings, then I’d say don’t even go there. If there is none of the “residual emotions”, then I’d say why now? You like the person, and the person likes you. You obviously once got along perfectly. A friend like that is hard to find. But of course if your spouse/partner objects, I’d say he/she should be the one you care about the most. Of course, situations very in all the different cases. Sometimes it is simply irrational jealousy and insecurity. And most often fights over such topic is a symptom.
Sorry for the rambling. In conclusion… LOL. I am not in touch with my exes partly, conveniently because I am 7000+ miles away from home.
So I guess that makes it so much easier. I’ll consider myself lucky.
I think it is because I am so far beyond these relationships and because I am so happy in my current world that I am now thinking about these questions. Right now, from here, it just seems a shame that there is a mandate of distance (from self or society) precisely because there are no messy feelings involved. Once upon a time, this distance was probably a good thing, but now I am able to look at it more intellectually. Does that make sense? And it’s not as if I am actually contemplating getting in touch with my exes. More than I am curious about these rules of play that seem to be operative in our modern world.
I have not kept in touch with any of my exes and this is for a number of reasons. First, the relationships didn’t just fizzle. There was one person who wanted out and one who didn’t. Lucky for my little heart, I was usually the one leaving and not left. Then there is the fact that none of these other relationships contained a smidgen of the significance of my Man-for-Life. We are in our 12th year of togetherness(dating + marriage years, minus a 10-month intermission) and I am not that old
And, finally, there is some insecurity in the mix. Regardless of how strong a relationship is, noone wants to be reminded that there was once someone else in their position. Even if the previous affliation was just a minor blip on the radar.
I don’t really keep in touch with any of mine. We may have passed a hello or two on FB but other than that, FB has only helped validate that I am so thankful I am not with those guys anymore! What was I thinking!
I guess I only have 2 definitive exes. One from highschool and another that went from highschool into college. I should have dropped the second like a bad habit before I went to Auburn but that’s beside the point. I’m friends with the first ex on facebook and we even hung out a little before I met husband. I met up with the second that same summer to catch up and realized how dumb I was for going out with him. I don’t even know what he’s up to these days.
I guess what dictates what keeps me in somewhat contact with the first ex is that he treated me so well while we were going out and that he’s a genuinely nice guy. I like to know that he’s doing ok. I sent him a messsage the other day when I learned his dad had died. Husband is friends with his ex on facebook more to see what crazy antics she’s up to. Different people, different motives. We don’t mind ex discussion because past relationships have shaped us into what we are today.
Social media makes it easier to keep tabs on not only exes, but other “friends” you probably wouldn’t keep up with otherwise. It’s human nature to be curious to see who has kids, who is working where and who got fat.
I am friendly with my ex. No choice in it as we have six kids together. That makes it somewhat easier but I do know those who cannot stand to be in the room with their exes. I have issues with that as I know it is not good for any kids they may have.
My children, and I hope I am not deluding myself, have no idea what broke up my marriage to their father. If I have my way, they will never know the truth. The few people who do know the truth have been sworn to secrecy.
I don’t keep tabs on exes. If I see something from them on a social media outlet, I may take note or comment but that is it. No big deal. I don’t “stalk” them online. No time for that.
What an interesting topic. Having an “official” ex who is the father of my children, I am tied to him (through them) for life. (Dare I say… a life sentence.)
Otherwise, I will say that I am in touch with my exes who are French. Love and passion (they may come separately or together) may both transform into friendship.
I stay in touch with and remain friends with my French exes. And I think we’re the better for it.
I ponder this same question. I dated someone for 10 years. I laugh because I’m not sure I ever really broke up with him. With both moved to different cities and we just ended. But I loved him. Now I know nothing about him. My husband was married before me. They did not have kids together. I really don’t want him hanging out with her. And I’m sure he wouldn’t be to keen on me keeping my long time ex as a friend.
What happens to tall that emotion? The friendship you did share with those people? It’s strange. I have no answers today only more questions
So timely. At lunch this afternoon, my husband’s ex-wife’s sister came up and hugged him for a good two minutes. What was that about? I tried really hard to be cool with it, but two minutes? I’m so glad he didn’t have kids with that family!
Maybe I am the only one here who watched Modern Family last night? It’s a well-written and very funny show, a rarity these days. Anyway, one of the plot lines in yesterday’s episode arose from a Facebook “relationship” with an ex. I bet it’s available online and it’s definitely worth a few minutes of your time!
That was hilarious. Best show on tv.
I have two significant exes, one from high school and one from the early part of college. (Once I started dating Husband as a senior, all other men ceased to exist. Of course.) I am in touch with neither. At all. The high school ex is a journalist who is frequently on TV and I always feel awkward and embarrassed when I see him. What’s that about? Clearly I need to think more about this.
I will add that one of the reasons I am not on Facebook is that I don’t necessarily want to reopen these and other connections from the past. Clearly I need to think more about lots of things.
My sister says the same thing about FB. She says she doesn’t want those people from her past that she has not kept in touch with to find her. Then, she turns around and asks me if they are on FB. I usually laugh at her.
I have several exes (2 from high school, 3 from college, 2 from grad school), but only “keep up with” one of them. We’re Facebook friends though we don’t communicate. I look at the photos of his wife and kids and send him happy birthdays and he does the same.
He and I were planning to get married before I adopted my son … he found the adoption a horrible idea and our relationship died soon after. I sometimes wonder what would’ve happened, but I’m really happy with where I am and the decisions I made, so it’s just a fleeting wonder and usually happens after a marital spat.
I often wonder “what happened to him?” about my exes and go in search of details, but it’s just for voyeurism. I know my husband would explode in a violent ball of jealousy if I were to rekindle a friendship with any of my exes.
Anecdote: When we first started dating, he went into a store to buy something while I stayed in the car with the kid. When he came out, one of my college exes was stopped by the car chatting with me and meeting the kid. I though my husband was going to whip out his penis and pee on us, he was so crazed with jealousy.
So I’m on the side of just letting dead dogs lie. Once you’ve gotten nasty together, there’s no going back.
Hmmm. What would be my motivation for picking up a relationship now, that ended 10 years ago? Not sure. I personally do not stay in touch with my exes. Focusing on nurturing my current relationships. There is no hard and fast rule about anything, so you never know who you might bump into, but I’m not going to try to resurrect anything.
My curiosity is more about why we are expected to keep at a distance in the first place than it is about eliminating that distance now. I do think that life is busy enough as it is, that we are stretched, that it is hard enough to spend good, quality time with the ones we love that it makes zero sense to go back and try to reconnect with characters from our earlier chapters.
It’s not my own exes but my husband’s exes that I really care anything about. Facebook lets me stalk them in a way that probably is inappropriate. I don’t feel threatened by them (anymore) but am still completely and utterly fascinated with them. For example, after some advanced Facebook stalking I recently found out that my husband’s ex is getting married in Tuscany. Of course she is. But what did I do when I found out? Called him, at work, to alert him right away. It was just too urgent to wait. The funny part is that I have been on a hunt for a new best friend (www.mwfseekingbff.com)since moving to be with said husband, and I went out on a friend-date recently with two of her friends and she was most certainly the elephant in the room. More than five years post-college, and she’s still a totally taboo topic. So, yes, I am completely intrigued by exes, but his, not mine.
Welcome to ILI! I love the premise of your “hunt” and I wish you the best of luck in finding a BFF
So interesting that you are fascinated by your husband’s exes… This makes sense to me. They are very much a part of his past, who he once was… I look forward to following your clever blog!
With relationships, I think it’s hard to move backward once you’ve gone forward. As in, once you’ve had a “boyfriend,” it’s hard to be anything but the “girlfriend.” The same goes, at least for me, with best female friends that you drift apart from. When you add in the tiny tinge of jealousy that always accompanies a former flame (who is he seeing now, where is he working/living, how does my life compare, etc.), it’s practically impossible to do anything other than occasionally drop him an e-mail or a FB message. Or do nothing at all and leave the past in the past, as many have commented already.
Welcome to ILI, Stacia! I do think you have hit on something important here, namely the idea of keeping life moving forward. I do think there is something important about not going backwards, but I also think that it is human and normal to wonder about people from our past. I guess now that I am “grown up” and married with kiddos, I am in a safe place from which I can now question the tacit rules of play in society and I am just wondering why so many of us seem to heed these unwritten mandates about forward motion and distance…
I’m in touch w/several exes. One is married to an old friend of mine and we all get together when we are in New York. Ditto my husband’s main ex. Another fell out of touch for many years and then called me out of the blue for…marital advice, of all things! He credits me with keeping his marriage alive. There are some I’m not in touch with but I would feel comfortable approaching them if the mood hit. I think a lot depends on how and where you left things when it ended.
Delia Lloyd
http://www.realdelia.com
Welcome, Delia! I do think so much of this depends on how the relationships ended. I think that more often than not relationships end leaving one person hurting more than the other which is so often why distance – at least initially – is a healthy thing. That said, it is good to know that some of us can maintain circumscribed and respectful contact with exes within the context of a marriage! I am both baffled and impressed
Only one significant ex, the HS sweetheart whom I dated for 6+ years after we graduated. He was overseas (military) for 5+ of those years and at some point we just stopped talking, never any real closure I suppose. But in the interm, I became BF with BOTH of his sisters. I went to family reunions/picnics with sisters because they wanted someone of the same age to talk to. So, his mom and both sisters came to my wedding. I went to sis #1′s wedding. Last month, their father died. I was close enough to the father to be the only non-family member to get up and give part of the eulogy. Ex was at both the wedding and funeral, of course. The wedding being the first time I saw/spoke to him after we drifted apart. It was much less weird than I imagined, we laughed, he asked about my kid sisters, I teased him about sleeping through Spanish since he was about to be deployed to Spain. So it was ok, but I wouldn’t be FB friends or anything. Hubby has no exes, so he’s a little uncomfortable, but overall understanding. He didn’t give me any problems about going, but didn’t accompany. It works for us, besides he wouldn’t get a word in edgewise when the girls get to talking anyway!
But…I wouldn’t have anything to do with the ex if I hadn’t been totally ingrained into the family.
I have one “proper” ex (proper in the sense of, I lived with him for several years) who I no longer speak to. I also have a couple of sort-of exes who I sort-of went out with while I was at school; I’ve kept in contact with them. I wonder (based on my very limited experience) whether it’s harder to keep in touch if you had more invested in the relationship to start with…?
My husband is friends with several of his exes – and I’ve met them, and one in particular we see regularly and we’ve stayed with her a few times. I consider her my friend, too. Is that unusual? Perhaps. But it works for us.
I am in touch with a few. Not a big deal. We don’t hang out by ourselves, although I am sure we could. We have friends in common so we sometimes find ourselves at the same functions.
It has never been an issue for me, but I was confronted by one husband once. It was the first time we met and he was nervous. I didn’t care, been there, done that.
To me it still comes back to trust.
Besides, if you don’t work on your relationship it doesn’t matter whether your partner is in touch with exes or anyone else.
I am in touch with one real ex and two guy friends who once were interested in more but I wasn’t and they remained guy friends. The real ex was a HS boyfriend who was a decent enough guy that I see a few times a year at large family gatherings because he ultimately married an inlaw of a distant cousin. The reason I don’t keep in better touch with my exes is I was never a significant relationship girl until I met my husband. After a couple of dates I or the guy lost interest, so there certainly isn’t anything drawing us back now. I do think that just because someone was important to you at one point in your life does not mean they are lifelong keepers. We all grow and evolve and some people stay with you, others don’t and that’s okay.
!
And totally unrelated, may I just say that the fact that you used the phrase “arbitrary and capricious” in this post made me laugh out loud at my desk! Can you please work “reasonable cause to believe criminality is at foot” into your next posting. See, you’re still a lawyer
I just had this same conversation an hour ago with my hairdresser. She said one of her friends was upset that the husband was searching the internet for his old girlfriend. The issue of husband’s fidelity was in question. Meanwhile, the guy at the front desk in the salon, while listening to our conversation , apparently began googling his old girlfriends, prompted by our loud talking from the Hair Chair. Friending the X is a contradiction in relationship energy. I am not friends with any long time significant X’s. We have great chemistry whenever we run into each other,and I like how that feels- so my story always has a happy ending.
Welcome, Hilary! Thanks for chiming in. The idea of friending an ex being a contradiction in relationship energy is interesting to me. I do think that spending time or energy thinking about the past or trying to connect with characters from it detracts from our present day commitments, but I also think that blind subscription to hard and fast rules is no good either. I love that you were talking about this just today! Isn’t it amazing what gets talked about at the salon?
Good catch on the ‘hard and fast rules’. Turns out one of my X’s lives in the next town where I live in CT. The funny part is that we both grew up on Long Island. I run into him once in while and even recommend his services to people. He was a high school sweetheart. The internet such as Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn ,Plaxo all allow a level of present tense to our past relationships.
I am most interested in keeping my heart in tune, esteem in check and trust in myself. Definitely want to muster that mastery up for my 35th High School Reunion in June.
Great topic. So many wise perspectives.
“The idea of friending an ex being a contradiction in relationship energy is interesting to me.”
Being married for 23 years the contrary energy to master is when eX turns to seX.
I have one ex. I was married to him for eight very long, very painful years; he was married to me for about six minutes. He is the father of my daughter, and for her sake- yes, I keep him updated on her grades, her successes, the trips she takes with me all around the world…
And that is the ex-tent of it. For his part? He has just divorced for the third time in five years. And he is ALL about contact with multiple women, constantly, feverishly, frantically juggling the next relationship before the current one has ended… a cycle of suffering that perpetuates nothing but misery.
What an interesting topic (this post and yesterday’s) and I’ve enjoyed reading about other experiences. It’s nice to know I’m not alone with how I deal/not deal with my exs. My husband feels you can have platonic relationships with exs that are still nourishing to the soul. But I have my doubts. The one ex he keeps in touch with (fairly regularly) I can sooooo tell is still holding a torch for him. He is SO oblivious!
I’m the weirdo who is still friends with many exes. I go for lunch with them. We get together for coffee now and then. They come over for dinner and drinks with their other half.
The men I have dated, I’ve dated for a reason. There was a friendship there (usually before and definitely during the relationship). So the relationship didn’t become ‘the one’… does that really mean I have to cut that person out of my life forever? Really? I obviously thought enough of them to enter into a relationship with them in the first place so they must have some redeeming features.
I have two *serious* exes. One I still consider a friend. We *chat* once or twice a year via email or facebook. We were former co-workers, so sometimes it’s talk about the biz, but also the birth of a child, or the death of a parent. I think he is one of the kindest people on the planet and I am glad we are still friends, even if the romance didn’t work out (he was my first serious boyfriend, it was after college, we were together four years). We were better friends than lovers. And I was young.
My other ex, well, he friended me on Facebook and I accepted. I sent him a short note on his birthday, he responded, and that’s been in. I’m fine with it. I don’t want any other contact. It wasn’t a great relationship and it didn’t end well.
I think some people hang onto exes, especially via social media, because they have some unfinished business. Maybe they didn’t get closure, maybe they’re having a tough time moving on. And of course social media makes it really easy to get obsessed over finding details.
Oh – and I’m really enjoying these blog-ersations. Great topics, and I love how you put questions to think about after your posts. Kind of like a book club!
Oohh, a toughie. I keep in touch with a couple of exes but not The Ex. Sometimes, after some fond memory or curiosity stirs, I think it would be nice to keep in touch at least vaguely, and I think to myself that it would be a sign of maturity and confidence. But ultimately, it just doesn’t work. I don’t think we know how to be acquaintances. I want to say that Facebook makes it too easy to keep up with people we’re not actually in touch with, but I’m the one typing words into the search bar.
Ummm. I am slightly embarrased to admit this, but I don’t have any exes. Nope. Not a single one. I married my high school sweetheart!
My husband, on the other hand, has many exes. He is very open about them, I just don’t feel the need to know. I trust him, that’s it.
It is something I am currently sruggling with. There was one that was a dear friend whose laughter has sustained me in my memories thru the years.. of course he doesn’t know that.. but it is true. No longing .. or lost romance feeling.. just the misty remembrance of friendship.. that is something. friendships matter.. and to be cut-off.. sometimes it is harsh. nevertheless.. it is a fine line – and I don’t want it to be.. that is the struggle.
My ex husband and I are friends but that’s because the marriage ended when the kids were young. I was determined the family wouldn’t die. So we do holidays and even vacations as a family. Less as the years go by. I wouldn’t have done it this way if we hadn’t had kids. But at this point, I think we’re linked for life.
Great topic. I think I can answer most of the questions with a “no.” I did not have too many exs and the relationships always ended so that there was no more contact. The Mrs. does not keep up with her exs either though we do see one periodically because he lives in her hometown.
The one exception was a very kind girl that I dated in undergrad (and broke up with due to being dumb and immature) my second year there. Four years later, after I was working in another state, I wrote her an apology letter and she graciously accepted. I learned that she was engaged to be married at that time.
Years later, I had an odd thought jump into my head encouraging me to find out what happend to her–perhaps reconnect as friends. I was shocked to learn that 2 months prior to my thought she had died of cancer in her 30s.
I certainly regretted not having attempted to contact her sooner.
Wow, Aidan, you sure have me thinking a lot about boys who aren’t my husband.
Another great post. This is something I struggle with a lot, as do many of my friends. The ex waters are murky. The vast majority of my boyfriends (don’t make me count) were friends before they became boyfriends (see your previous post 
). I keep in touch with most of them, some less often than others, though, for various reasons. I can think of only two long-term boyfriends with whom I don’t talk. One I just got a recent update about from a mutual friend (completely unsolicited by me); the other I have been actively ignoring since he tried to reinsert himself into my life after hearing that I was getting married. Yeah. Anyway, it really goes back to my comment on your previous post: I keep the majority of my interactions with my exes limited because I worry about their wives getting the wrong idea. And you’re right – I think exploring those worries is a whole other post. 
I have one real ex, an ex-husband, who I ran into by accident the week I became engaged to my husband of now 17 years. I would never have wanted to stay in contact with him after our divorce and, since we had no children together, there was no reason to.
There were many boyfriends, but I was always spectacularly unsuccessful at long-term relationships. I don’t have much tolerance for dating the wrong guys and when I finally met the right guy, well, I’ve been with him ever since.
I also keep in touch with a number of exes. But all the stars have to be in alignment before this can really work. Star 1: Hubby has to be tremendously secure (which seems like ours – yours and mine — both are) Star 2: You have to be totally OVER the ex in question. No pining whatsoever. That doesnt mean you dont want to look amazing if you happen to bump into them — you do. But you don’t want to stir any emotions except a little regret. Star 3: They have to be totally over you too because that could get creepy.
But I enjoy connecting with exes on a regular basis because they knew me (and presumably cared about me) at some point in my life — and vice versa. It feels good to spend time with people who “got you” — and maybe still do even if its not in a romantic way. Great post!