Comments on: The Ex Factor

By: The Ex-Files « Motherese

The Ex-Files « Motherese — Tue, 11 May 2010 11:56:23 +0000

[...] to add: Aidan started a great discussion on this topic a few months back with her post, The Ex [...]

By: Emily @ mothersofbrothers

Emily @ mothersofbrothers — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 00:46:48 +0000

I also keep in touch with a number of exes. But all the stars have to be in alignment before this can really work. Star 1: Hubby has to be tremendously secure (which seems like ours – yours and mine — both are) Star 2: You have to be totally OVER the ex in question. No pining whatsoever. That doesnt mean you dont want to look amazing if you happen to bump into them — you do. But you don’t want to stir any emotions except a little regret. Star 3: They have to be totally over you too because that could get creepy.

But I enjoy connecting with exes on a regular basis because they knew me (and presumably cared about me) at some point in my life — and vice versa. It feels good to spend time with people who “got you” — and maybe still do even if its not in a romantic way. Great post!

By: Hilary

Hilary — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 14:39:07 +0000

“The idea of friending an ex being a contradiction in relationship energy is interesting to me.”

Being married for 23 years the contrary energy to master is when eX turns to seX.

By: Linda

Linda — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 07:39:52 +0000

I have one real ex, an ex-husband, who I ran into by accident the week I became engaged to my husband of now 17 years. I would never have wanted to stay in contact with him after our divorce and, since we had no children together, there was no reason to.

There were many boyfriends, but I was always spectacularly unsuccessful at long-term relationships. I don’t have much tolerance for dating the wrong guys and when I finally met the right guy, well, I’ve been with him ever since.

By: Cheryl

Cheryl — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 00:23:19 +0000

Wow, Aidan, you sure have me thinking a lot about boys who aren’t my husband. Another great post. This is something I struggle with a lot, as do many of my friends. The ex waters are murky. The vast majority of my boyfriends (don’t make me count) were friends before they became boyfriends (see your previous post ). I keep in touch with most of them, some less often than others, though, for various reasons. I can think of only two long-term boyfriends with whom I don’t talk. One I just got a recent update about from a mutual friend (completely unsolicited by me); the other I have been actively ignoring since he tried to reinsert himself into my life after hearing that I was getting married. Yeah. Anyway, it really goes back to my comment on your previous post: I keep the majority of my interactions with my exes limited because I worry about their wives getting the wrong idea. And you’re right – I think exploring those worries is a whole other post.

By: slamdunk

slamdunk — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 18:13:48 +0000

Great topic. I think I can answer most of the questions with a “no.” I did not have too many exs and the relationships always ended so that there was no more contact. The Mrs. does not keep up with her exs either though we do see one periodically because he lives in her hometown.

The one exception was a very kind girl that I dated in undergrad (and broke up with due to being dumb and immature) my second year there. Four years later, after I was working in another state, I wrote her an apology letter and she graciously accepted. I learned that she was engaged to be married at that time.

Years later, I had an odd thought jump into my head encouraging me to find out what happend to her–perhaps reconnect as friends. I was shocked to learn that 2 months prior to my thought she had died of cancer in her 30s.

I certainly regretted not having attempted to contact her sooner.

By: P

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 16:58:33 +0000

Thanks everyone. My instinct was to send a note, and with the replies here, I think I will. It’s been a while, but I think it is definitely the right thing to do.

By: Maureen@IslandRoar

Maureen@IslandRoar — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 14:37:53 +0000

My ex husband and I are friends but that’s because the marriage ended when the kids were young. I was determined the family wouldn’t die. So we do holidays and even vacations as a family. Less as the years go by. I wouldn’t have done it this way if we hadn’t had kids. But at this point, I think we’re linked for life.

By: Nicki

Nicki — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 12:15:52 +0000

My sister says the same thing about FB. She says she doesn’t want those people from her past that she has not kept in touch with to find her. Then, she turns around and asks me if they are on FB. I usually laugh at her.

By: Shelby

Shelby — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 11:50:42 +0000

It is something I am currently sruggling with. There was one that was a dear friend whose laughter has sustained me in my memories thru the years.. of course he doesn’t know that.. but it is true. No longing .. or lost romance feeling.. just the misty remembrance of friendship.. that is something. friendships matter.. and to be cut-off.. sometimes it is harsh. nevertheless.. it is a fine line – and I don’t want it to be.. that is the struggle.