We All Work
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I have this wonderful friend. We met when our babies were super young. Toddler and her firstborn were born a week apart and this friend and I met at a lunch for new mothers exactly three years ago.
This friend is one of the most kind and loving and generous people I have ever met. She is the first to organize a birthday dinner or a pre-baby gift. She hosts elaborate and thoughtful play dates. She brings souvenirs home from vacations. She cooks dinner for her family almost every night. And I feel compelled to mention that she is also very pretty and fun and smart.
Anyway. This friend attended my first Happier Hour last week. And I was thrilled that she did because she is very very pregnant with her second child. She came and braved the crowd. And after the event, we traded some emails. And in one, she thanked me for including her. She expressed her amazement at the accomplishments of the women who also attended. And then wrote,
I can’t believe some of you ladies can do it all. Careers, blogs, books, Facebook, Twitter, kids, husbands, friends and families, household… I really don’t know how you can do it. Not just you either – obviously there were other women there who juggle like you do. I feel like my days are full but can’t imagine what yours must be like. Some parts of the night made me feel quite average, as if I should be trying to do more but there is not a day that goes by that I wish I was working. In fact, I consider myself so lucky that I don’t have to work. But you ladies are just super women doing it all, and doing it well.
And I got this email and smiled. Because honestly I look at this friend and feel that she is anything but average. I feel that she is extraordinary. An extraordinary wife and mother and person. I feel that she is the portrait of parental devotion. I look at her and feel a surge of insecurity and wonder if I am placing my energies in the right places and if I should perhaps cast a more intense focus on my kids and my family. I told her these things. Because they are true.
And I sit here realizing that we all, all of us, look at other people, people who are doing different things, and who have made different choices, and we wonder. We wonder whether we are doing what we should be doing. Whether we are doing enough. All of us have moments, and places, where we feel utterly and unequivocally average.
And all of us work. All of us. Working is not about paychecks or publications. Working is not about donning pinstripes or doling out business cards. Working is about expending energy and emotion and effort. And whether we are home with our children, or at a desk, or somewhere in between, we are working. All of us.
Writing this now, I am reminded of a conversation I had with a fellow Preschool mother at the beginning of the year. This mother asked me, “Do you work?” And of course I fumbled and stumbled around and treated her to an utterly inarticulate mess of an answer… “Well, I write and blog and am home a lot too…”
But now it is clear. As day. We all work. All of us. We all juggle. And drop balls. Constantly. We all try. And hard. None of us does it all. Has it all.
Why is it so hard for us to see this and to appreciate this?
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- Why do we subscribe to such inflexible notions of “work”?
- Why do so many of us feel average when we are really quite extraordinary
- Why do you think these Mommy Wars (Parent Wars) truly exist? (Because, at bottom, we are all insecure about our own choices? Because, when it comes to parenting or other big life decisions, we are more shaky in our confidence?)
- When will Parenthood finally be validated as the Career, the excruciating and important career that it is?
To be honest I see mothers who work, or don’t work, but like you say, ultimately work, as far greater achievers than blokes like me who have it easy in the office.
Multi-tasking is built into the female DNA. Women can do it all, but our level of proficiency varies with the changing demands of each new day. Improvisation gets us through the unexpected but always leaves us a little insecure. We over analyze our performance when we should sit back at the end of the day and enjoy the fact that no one got hurt and the world is still spinning.
wonderful thoughts and questions… why do we feel embarrassed to say we are at home? or why does a woman have to feel embarrassed to say she works long hours? this post brings up much needed discussion… and you are right, at the end of the day, all we can hope is that we have done our best after giving it our all… in parenthood our markers are not grades, or evaluations or pay raises, and sometimes you cannot even go on how well your child is doing – because they are evolving people with different personalities and needs… i love the way you define work – i am going to write it down, thank you…
I think as women we always look at the things we wish we had time for: a better career, cleaner house, more kid time, whatever. In a way it’s good because it keeps us on our toes and having high expectations for ourselves. But when we turn that into unrealistic expectations, or think everyone else is doing so much better, we run into trouble.
I think there’s no harder time as a woman than when the kids are young, 0 to maybe 7. It’ so constant and draining, no matter what else is happening in your life and work. And the intensity of emotion…. Once we pass that time nothing is as taxing and we really are a little like superwomen, because of the skills we’ve acquired.
Every morning I watch my husband walk out the door for “work” and part of me aches for his escape. Yes, I am lucky to be Ble to stay home with my family but this job is do much harder than any other I’ve ever endured. More draining, more challenging, more exhausting, scarier and more frustrating. No, I wouldn’t change what I have for the world but I wish I didn’t get so flustered when people ask if I. “work”. Because you are absolutely right, we do work. All day and all night. We work. Thank you for reminding us that we are extraordinary for this work we do!
I’m not quite sure why our culture refuses to acknowledge that running a household is indeed work. It is emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally draining work and until one experiences it for themself, they will never be able to appreciate how hard it is.
And I think we also just have to stop comparing ourselves to others. It’s hard; that’s how we’ve been taught to guage our success. But success and it’s definition is all relative.
I just hope that more and more mothers (and fathers) come to value their role as a parent and see how incredible they are.
These days I struggle with the “Do you work?” question. My answer is a lot like yours. Non-writers don’t necessarily understand how writing can be work, unless you have published. The point is that unless there is something tangible, i.e. paycheck, product, etc. it isn’t really seen as work. In the end, I think our judgments arise from our own preconceived notions of how things should be and what work really should be. Thanks for the insightful post.
When I was freelancing full time, my husband’s parents and their friends would say “how’s the job hunt going?” or “any leads on a real job?” or “still looking for work?” and it would make me want to tear THEIR hair out. Working for myself was harder and more work than any office job I’ve ever had. Constantly chasing another paycheck, finding it impossible to separate work life from home life since they all took place in the same living room. And I would scream I DO WORK (well not scream, but say sternly). People have their own ideas and project their own agendas as to what “work” is. But as long as we know how hard we are working, how much effort we put forth, what the others think doesn’t matter quite so much. Easier said than done, I know, but it’s something I try to keep in mind.
Isn’t it kind of funny how we tend to look at other people’s lives and compare ourselves with it?
But you’re so right – we all work. Everyone in his/her own way. And nobody does it all. And that is wonderfully relieving.
I think work is, unfortunately, tied to identity. And even though we might say we don’t want to be labeled or boxed in, we are also yearning to stand proudly on top of a big ole pile of accomplishment. And work – a title, a label – is shorthand for that pile.
This is a great example of the “grass is always greener” syndrome. It is so interesting – and must somehow be a part of our DNA, or so ingrained in society that we can’t fight it.
Women especially are apt to look at one another and see someone who is so incredibly smart-talented-beautiful-charming. But I love your story, Aidan, because it shows we’re all doing the same to one another. We need to share our compliments more openly!
I just spent five days at home with a 16-year-old son who had a tonsillectomy. I was exhausted the entire time I was at home. It made me stop and wonder, How in the world did I use to do this with two small children 24/7? Going back to the office never sounded so good.
It’s amazing how our perspective of ourselves & our choices, others & their choices, change/evolve through the years. And yes, there are plenty of times that I feel “average.”
I am with Maureen in that I think that when the children are young, it is infinitely harder for women. If you are at home with your children, there is no escape, no you time. If you work outside your home, there is the constant pull of what is going on with your children – regardless of where they are and who they are with. If you work from your home, there is the unending struggle to do it all even though we know we cannot – work, housework, child care, fun stuff and routine stuff.
That all having been said, when I first read this early this morning, your first question stopped me in my tracks. I couldn’t move past it until now – almost five hours later. Wow! You are provoking some major league thinking today.
I’m so glad you wrote this – I don’t know why it’s so hard for us to accept that all kinds of work are, well, WORK … my feminist side goes immediately to how female work has been undervalued for centuries … but I think it’s more complicated than that.
I think the real challenge, and learning, is to honor the contribution that everyone makes, whatever it looks like. Because, if you look hard enough, there is beauty in the work we all do. I know that is true.
So funny. Tell your friend I probably looked across the room at her and thought, she looks so pretty and together, not harried like me, rushing from work to event to event, helping come up with “personal words” homework via cell phone, my hair uncombed since the morning, my suit askew.
Not that I want her life, because I wouldn’t be as good at it as she clearly is. I have said this before, it is so, so personal. I “tried on for size” the stay at home mom thing during my second six month maternity leave. As harried as my life is, I am just better at multi-tasking than doing one task at a time. I was not a productive stay at home mom, and somehow, when I work, I get it all done. And because my salary is not necessary to support our family (I work in public service), I work as much for myself as for any other reason. I have been told that I am a selfiish mother who doesn’t love her kids as much as those who stay home (in fact at one of those new mother lunches, really, I have!). This particular woman was trying to valdidate her choice by putting me down. Luckily, I am a survivor of the mean faux friends and I figured out how to block that stuff by the time I graduated HS.
Just as we need people in this world to do every job, we need women who stay at home and work, and those who go to the office to work. Fulfillment is individual, the important thing is figuring out what does it for you and once you do, have confidence to own your own decision without denigrating anyone elses.
We live in a society that continues to undermine the choices that women make. And we should support each other in those choices – whatever they may be.
And we need to start by not feeling guilty for our choices. And perhaps by insisting on greater participation from the men in our lives – and from our political systems as well. So that poverty is less a female issue. And it is. So that our infrastructure and systems do not toss away valuable resources – generally though not exclusively older, and female.
We need to start by raising daughters to be strong and whole and self-sufficient. And men, to be respectful of their responsibilities. Many are. And millions are not.
so weird, but I often feel somewhat excluded in the opposite way. I am not a parent and I do have a weekday job with regular working hours. Almost all of the adult women in my circle of family and friends are either not employed or have employment with a very flexible schedule. They sometimes plan outings or get-togethers on days or times when I cannot possibly attend. And I feel excluded, and of course my reaction is to recite this ridiculous indignant phrase inside my head: I have to work for a living, thank you very much! There is a part of me that envies those who do not need to work for an income. I suppose the grass is always greener…
As a full time, freelancer who works from home, I’ve found that I’m in a no-woman’s-land. Stay-at-home moms consider me a “working” mom (because my youngest is in daycare part time) and my work-outside-the-home moms consider me a “stay-home” mom (and therefore ask me all the time to babysit, run this or that errand, do this or that project, etc).
I guess the moral to this story is that not only is the grass greener, there are more pastures than ever before — and with them come more battles to just be accepted as someone whose time and contributions matter.
I have to say that as much as I loathe the “mommy-wars”, I find it frustrating when the SAMs in my neighborhood talk about how they spent all week “working” on the elaborate nametags for their toddler’s ridiculously over the top birthday parties (the decor is more elaborate than my wedding), while I’m at a job that demands my attention 10+ hours a day. Certainly there are many aspects of their days as SAMs that are incredibly draining and exhausting, but when you can opt out of your “projects”, I’m just not sure it is the same “work”.
I’m having a typical melancholy Monday. I don’t know what it is about me. Or about Mondays. But here I am. Tears welled up in my eyes. Wanting so much for people to see that yes! we all work. We are all tired. We should not judge. We should not assume. We should be happy for each other and sad for each other. We should support successes in ourselves and in others. We should open ourselves up more. And not be so worried, so frightened, so fearful.
For many weeks now I have been fixated on the idea that I’ve given off the wrong impression of myself in the blogosphere. Maybe it’s my own identity crisis. Maybe it’s just par for the course: the ups and downs of a mind. Who knows. But I’ve come to see that I cannot control what others think but only what I think of myself and of them. And what I think is that there has to be a level playing field where all people feel accepted. It’s idealism, sure, but somewhere it has to be possible. Even if only in my own little world.
I know I’ve run on, and it’s a bit too flighty to really put a finger on, but I think that somehow this relates to what you are saying.
“We all try. And hard. None of us does it all. Has it all.
Why is it so hard for us to see this and to appreciate this?”
Yes. And thanks.
For the post.
And for the comment space.
Ahh, melancholy Mondays. It’s like a weekly ritual for me now. Sigh.
Yes, yes, yes. Thank you. We ALL work, in all sorts of different ways, and most of us would consider ourselves to work less (or hold it together less) than our peers. But our peers are all saying the same about us! And around and around it goes. (Side note: Your photo reminded me of Donald Hall’s book Life Work, which I loved in college but think I’d appreciate better now.)
I think this is such an important topic. And somehow I think it’s important that it be raised by women with paycheck careers.
My mother quit her job when she was 3 months pregnant with me. And while she never questioned the path she chose, she got very tired of defending herself to her peers whose career choices threatened her own. She believes (and I agree) that homemaking is creative, challenging, and rewarding, and that it is every bit as much work as an outside-the-home job. (She has often commented, as others here have, that you can never leave the office.) And while no one should have to defend the choices they make based on infinitely intimate context, the fact that “career” women would step up to do so on behalf of women at home carries weight.
Now, on the flip side, we also need stay-at-home moms to validate that women who’ve returned to their careers love their children every bit as much as full time mothers.
The topic of “work” is something that has been front and center in my life for over two years now. My doctors (all 17 of them) declared me totally and permanently disabled before my 30th birthday. I don’t know anyone else who is disabled and so I haven’t even tried to explain my journey with “work” with anyone. However, after seeing this post and the comments, I realize that even though others came to the same issue from different angles, I’m not alone. Thank you Aiden! So, sorry for the long comment, but now that I have an outlet…I’m bursting.
I started as a corporate lawyer. I was “working” long, stressful hours for a paycheck. I couldn’t wait for vacations. I didn’t like Monday mornings. I was sure that if I won the lottery, I’d happily stop working (at least for a little while). I did it for over five years.
Then I became disabled. At that point, “work” turned into painful rehabilitation, undergoing scary procedures and trying many, many horrible medicines. I was convinced that hard “work” would uncover the limits of my doctors, western medicine, and pain. However, I wasn’t able to get better.
So then I thought, I should look on the bright side of “not working”. I picked up knitting, joined a book group and tried to focus on other hobbies. But I was the most unhappy I had ever been. When I’d have my tearful breakdowns, I’d find myself saying, “all I want is to be able to go back to work”. I found it intolerable to sustain myself with small, little accomplishments of my non-“working” life. Thankfully, my finance didn’t say, “perhaps it’s the horrible pain you’re always in and the scary medical problems getting you so down” (like I would have)…instead he agreed I needed to work and we started a business together so I could work on my own terms.
And that is my happy ending: I am back to “work” and I have never been happier. Now, “work” is a lot like when I played sports – I do it because it feels good and its rewarding in a way that lying on the beach or reading a book will never be. “Work” is no longer drudgery but is a privilege; its something that makes my life easier, makes me stronger, more independent, confident, satisfied and gratified. I would be miserable if I hadn’t found a way to “work” again. And had I not become disabled, I’m sure I’d still be taking a good 40 hours of my week for granted.
In case you’re wondering, my new work (and its probably its not an accident) is to help athletes find work — I’m a sports agent:-). I need a lot of help from my colleagues to compensate for my disabilities, but I’m a sports agent all the same…and I find it incredibly rewarding.
Aidan, Whether working in a traditional setting or staying home with my kids, I guess I’ve never felt like I’ve just stood still. When I first quit my job, I was earning my master’s degree. Then I taught a little college. In all the time since I’ve slowly become a writer and, for the last year, an editor.
The point I’m trying to make is that I have a To Do list for my life and there’s really no down time. I’m not going to stop wanting to be what I know I can be. Yes, a huge item on my To Do list was to be a mother. But the way I’m made up, my DNA maybe, has a drive to it.
Not everyone wants the same thing. It’s great that your friend is so happy; I support any woman’s right to choose the life she wants for herself. And if mine felt like work, felt like drudgery in the least as opposed to exactly what I was born to do, I wouldn’t do it either, not right now, not when I have the choice.
I’m not sure why we have so much trouble seeing these things within ourselves. Maybe it’s because we are all different, have subtle differences in what we value most, but in fact, what to be able to value it all, in such a way that we can do it all. I know for me it’s that. I see another mom who is better at doing crafts with their kids for example, or who throws really great birthday parties, or who’s off jetsetting it in a high powered career and a little part of me wants that too. Even though I have my own things, and as you point out, likely things that others admire in me. We just don’t recognize it. We need to learn how. I’ll tell you one thing I have learned, discussing it helps. I can’t believe how much, and so thank you for another thoughtful post. I love reading.
Why does anyone have to “work”? Why do we judge each other about all this? Is it that when children are involved, we wonder about what kind of life they’re having? That’s always a tough one, because a child can only be raised once; there’s no control group. So, if that’s not the issue, what is? Life’s not supposed to be lived picking at each other. Everyone needs to relax.
I sometimes wonder if I went to law school just so I could say I was a lawyer when people asked if I worked. Silly reason to go to law school.