A Good Friday
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Once upon a time, I foolishly believed that with time came answers. That the years would pile up, one by one, and that I’d know more, understand more, have a clearer picture of self and world.
Not so.
Today is Good Friday. It is also a plain old good Friday. Because I am with my girls. Nanny has the day off. And the girls and I have had quite the morning. We ventured out bright and early to grab breakfast. I noshed on hard boiled eggs while the girls enjoyed chocolate covered bunny cookies. (Exhibit A of my Parental Perfection.) At the restaurant, we sat there, the three of us, laughing and being very silly, getting covered in melting chocolate.
And then we headed to the Apple Store to rescue this very Laptop. Sadly, I learned that in the course of my ferocious blogging, I have permanently damaged my trackpad. So sad. While I was learning the fate of my beleaguered computer, the girls ran wild around the store, yanking on display iPhones and hammering away on display keyboards. I was the recipient of abundant dirty looks. (Exhibit B of my Parental Perfection.)
Then we went to the playground where the girls threw sand at each other and at me before I decided it was time to head home. Both of them cried for the entire walk back. I promised them candy if they would stop. (Exhibit C of the same.) They didn’t stop.
And now we are home. (Thankfully.) Baby is napping. (Thankfully.) Toddler is quiet for the moment (thankfully) as she zones out watching Imagination Movers while I type these words. (Yup, Exhibit D.) And even though I am exhausted and frustrated and a smidge overwhelmed, I am grateful for this day. For this ordinary and extraordinary day. For this Good Friday. For this good Friday.
But.
Yes, there is a but. Because that is life. And that is me. I sit here, next to my beautiful big girl, realizing that my mind is muddied with many of the same questions I had last year at this time. Questions about religion. About what I should – or should not – be telling my little creatures about Easter (or any religious holiday). Last year around this time, I wrote:
Tomorrow is Easter Sunday. And I’m down to the wire. This morning, my two-year-old daughter and I sat in the window seat of our kitchen watching delivery men zoom by on the street below, listening to the rain pound the air conditioner. As I chugged my second cup of coffee and she munched Special K Protein straight from the box, it occurred to me that I haven’t yet given her the straight story about this holiday.
Sure, I have brought home little bags of brightly colored beans (nota beane: these are fabulous for those making a foray into the wild world of potty-training). Thanks to my loyal friends Dora and Diego and Spongebob and Wubzy (you get the picture), I think she has vague visions of pastel eggs and bunnies and baskets. I have given her tiny toy chicks that were almost immediately victimized by our otherwise very gentle cats (we found one poor chick drenched and drowning in the cats’ water fountain; yes our cats have a self-refreshing automized water fountain – judge away). But I have no bonnets. No Easter dresses. No trips to church planned. Too bad if only for the missed photo op; I recall vividly snapshots of me and my four sisters in full Easter regalia — poufy dresses and big hats, eyes squinting in the sun. We looked quite Amish. (If you are Amish and offended by this, I’m not too worried. You are on the Internet after all.)
But what is the straight story it is my duty as parent to tell? Because this, my friends, is how it went down: “Do you want me to tell you about Easter?” “No.” “Well, today we are going to color some eggs and draw on them with crayons. And then in the middle of the night a bunny, a big bunny, the Easter Bunny will come (raised eyebrows) and he is going to hide all those eggs and candies. And then in the morning you will find all of these eggs and treats and put them in a basket. Do you want to do that?” To which my toddler replied, “Yeah.” (Don’t worry, I’m working on changing that to the more proper “yes.”)
And for a fleeting moment, part of me thought: here begins one of those big lovely lies that my husband and I will perpetuate over the years. And this made me happy. I’ve missed Santa and the Bunny and even that enigmatic Tooth Fairy. But part of me had a more serious thought: Easter is not about chicks and chocolate eggs. And though I am not super religious, there is an important religious and historical story to this week, to this day. At some point my daughter (and her little sister, but she is only six months and we will worry about the crawling part before the religious education part) needs to know that story, but when? When are we moms (and dads) supposed to start telling these stories?
At what point should my girls know that Easter is more about Jesus than jellybeans?
I read these words of latter day and smile. Because one year later, I am the same Me. My kids are older and wiser and up to new and delightful Mommy-maddening tricks. But here I am. Fumbling with familiar grays. Stumbling through the same wilderness of questions. Tapping on the same keyboard, now ailing from loyal use, asking away.
Here I am. Wrapped in another fleeting moment. Smiling at the passage of another good year. And at the advent of another Good Friday.
___________________________
- In your estimation, when is the appropriate time to tell our kids the more in-depth religious aspects of holidays?
- When did your parents tell you the straight story about your religion and its holidays?
- Are you more or less religious than you were as a child?
- How important is religion in your adult life?
- In your view, what is the difference (if any) between religion and faith?
- Do you feel like you know more or less than you did this time last year?
- Do your kids totally run the show too or am I just an exceptional pushover?
Everyone struggles and...
My religion is Human Service. Where I worship, be it synogogue, church or temple is of no consequence if I am not doing something to show charity to others. My prayer life is important as well is the way I work to make my life a prayer by volunteering in soup kitchens and hospices. The time to introduce children to religious ritual is birth, if you actually celebrate holidays, attend services or pray regularly. Otherwise, wait until children ask. I’ve noticed that most of my friends who converts or ‘born agains’ were not brought up in faith center households. I think it is natural for us to seek, wonder and find a code to live by. The Catholic holidays and rituals that I grew up with give me a sense of sturcture and solice.
In my church, an official Sunday-school–type class starts at 18 months, where they get an actual religious-based lesson in addition to snacks and some playtime. (We’re Mormons, and church lasts 3 hours each Sunday; not offering snacks and playtime is just cruel at that age.) Before that, babies go to class with their parents. However, we also expect that the children attending this class have probably been getting *some* religious education at home from birth, just by witnessing their parents living the religion, “participating” in family prayer and scripture study, and so on. I always read scriptures for a while before I go to sleep; it seems natural to me to read aloud to the baby during the final feeding of the day, if only so she can hear Mommy talking to her more. (Yay, new baby! Nine days old today!) I figure as the Little Princess gets to be more self-aware, as I start to read her children’s books, I’ll make sure to get some scripture-related ones to add in.
So I don’t recall at what point my parents taught me about Jesus and how the holidays related to him. My mother never taught us about the Easter bunny—for her, Easter is the ultimate spiritual holiday, and she didn’t want to take away from the religious aspects by teaching us about anthropomorphic rabbits (and personally, I find the Easter bunny kind of creepy). We did hunt for Easter eggs, but just as a fun game, and who doesn’t like an excuse for more candy? It seemed to be more of a social experience—maybe starting in preschool/kindergarten?—rather than a holiday-related one.
We also believed in Santa Claus, but that was definitely in addition to Jesus’ birth, and in the spirit of generosity in gift-giving, I don’t really feel like that takes away from the religious aspects of the holiday.
We are Jewish and I was raised in the reform movement — and almost completely secular. I learned the basics — mostly in Sunday School when I was old enough to go. We enrolled our kids in a similar program and — what do you know — they have both connected to our religion in ways that I never did. I am now learning from them! And lo and behold religion has become more important for me as an adult than it ever was when I was younger. But it could have easily been less important had the boys not taken to it. We gave them the age appropriate information when they were ready and waited to see what they would do with it. But I agree with Julia — we do not compromise on the golden rule — which is universal to all religions.
Husband and I do not share a religion and our boys (younger than your girls, but just) don’t really have one at all. Before we got married we worried all the time about how our interfaith status would affect our wedding and our eventual choice to have kids. What we’ve discovered is that it hasn’t really, and we find ourselves muddling through without any of the big existential crises that we anticipated.
My toddler is 2 1/2 and now officially confused (thanks again, Dora, Diego, and Wubzy) about why a bunny brings eggs to good little boys and girls at this time of year. I don’t have any plan except to answer his questions as honestly as I can as he asks them. My hope is that, in providing answers, I’ll encourage him to keep asking questions.
Well, I think I pretty much wrapped up all my answers, right here, without intending to.
We go to church (for the most part) every week. Our 16-month-old son squirms through the service in our laps and has no idea why he’s there. Over time he will come to understand the basics of what we believe: That Jesus was a good man who helped people, that people didn’t agree with His beliefs, and that He stood up for what he believed even when it was unpopular. Things like the crucifixion won’t come into play for quite some time. In the meantime we care that he understands that his faith should influence the way he behaves and the way he treats people.
Have a wonderful, and good, Friday. And a happy and relaxing Easter weekend.
My kids go to a Jewish day school. They went to the same place for their mommy and me and pre-school years as well. So they have grown up with religion right from the get go.
It works very well for us.
Most of our holidays are tied into their history somehow I guess, so I think as a little kid you’re exposed to the history even before you can understand it. For example at a passover seder, the whole story is told, including the meaning of the symbols. And Chanukah is more stretched to try to live up to Christmas somehow, but we still used to sing songs that told a bit of the story.
I went to a jewish preschool where I’m sure they indoctrinated us as well, and later hebrew school two afternoons a week. So a lot of the pressure was off my parents’ shoulders. They never said it explicitly until I was older, but I think it was fairly obvious all along that they didn’t believe in god, but they believed in us learning about the religion and our heritage.
A person is never too young to learn about Jesus or the truth of any story. If a story exists about a man who performed miracles, healed the sick, fed the hungry, and preached love and if there is a holiday to celebrate the passion, sadness and love surrounding that man’s life and death, then I think we should share that story with our children as often and soon as possible. See Deuteronomy 6:4-10
Even a month ago I was more concerned with the whole religious aspect than I am at this very moment, two days prior to Easter. I keep reading blogs about this day, this Good Friday, and I’m struck by them. But at this point, I’m ok with the kids learning about the Easter Bunny, and maybe we’ll read a story from a new children’s bible I picked up for them in my religious worrying a few months ago. But that’s it for this year, and that’s ok.
I am living in a country where Easter is not a big holiday, (we’re minority here), so it was quite a big deal to know exactly what happened during Easter, Good Friday or Christmas. Well, the last one is exception since everyone has a good knowledge about it.
I think it’s all depend on how much you want them knowing the real story. If that’s not important, why bother. If you feel like it is important, you can always tell them even when the holiday is over.
I would think as soon as your girls show interest and start asking questions about the holidays is the right time to tell them. Hannah started asking me questions about Chanukah and Passover last year and I explained in very simple terms. This year, she wanted more so I told her more.
My problem is that she’s also asking about all of the Christian holidays and I don’t KNOW the answers! For example, why a Bunny? Doesn’t it make more sense to have a Chicken since they are hiding Eggs? I need to do some research so I can act like I know!
Happy Easter!
The bunny is a hold-over (as are the eggs) from ancient pagan rituals celebrating the renewal of spring and various fertility rites, because of rabbits’ exceptionally large litters. Apparently the “bunny bringing treats” thing is a tradition from eastern France.
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Easter_Bunny?wasRedirected=true
Thank you! This helps me!
Becca – For what it’s worth I was raised in the Christian faith and have no more idea about the origins of the Easter Bunny than you do. I actually just Wikipedia’d it and got some background. Per Wiki the Easter Bunny (or some cultural ancestor thereof) did in fact lay eggs for good children. Makes zero sense to me! Good luck with Hannah. Hopefully she’ll spare you the unanswerable questions!
Thanks Gale! I just got an article also from my SIL which helps. Although I’m not sure telling Hannah bunnies are very fertile will be the right answer at this point. Maybe I’ll just continue to play dumb for now!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/36149164/ns/technology_and_science-science/
Strange as it may sound, Becca, head over to And Triplets Make Six. John did a good piece on the pagan-religious aspects of Easter, including the bunny. http://johncaveosborne.com/2010/04/02/the-easter-bunny-expose/
How is it that every time I stop by here, I find you’ve written precisely what I’ve been thinking? I should go the lazy route and just have one banner at the top of my blog: ‘What She Said’, with an arrow pointing here.
Sounds like we’re perhaps more religious than you guys (we are members of a church and it’s a weekly thing) but still, STILL, I debate what to tell the boys and when about Easter. It’s a gory holiday, after all, isn’t it? (Especially Good Friday.) I dislike it greatly when people gloss over religion or wrap it all up in bows, but that leaves to true, real, gritty stuff, and that’s not always the stuff for children. So my 2 cents? You have time to tell them details about this holiday when they’re older. They won’t understand right now anyway.
Now I have to race out and see if there’s any chocolate bunnies left for sale in the stores, because I totally forgot the Easter bunny needs to arrive tonight. Damn.
To address the question you posed about the difference between religion and faith:
Religion is man attempting to reach God through his own efforts. Following rules, observing rituals, trying to be “good.”
Faith in God is a relationship. It is an acknowledgement that one’s best is not good enough to reach that state of perfection that would enable one to intersect with the divine. Faith is receiving a gift that can’t be earned. It is resting in unconditional love.
The only people Jesus couldn’t abide were the “religious” ones. He hung out with the tax collectors and prostitutes. They were the ones that recognized their need of something (someone) outside of themselves.
At this point, I just tell my 2-year-old grandson that Jesus loves him. That is what we celebrate on Easter. I tell him that the bunnies, etc., are happy about how much Jesus loves the whole world. That’s why we’re making a bunny cake today. Later, as he asks more questions, I will explain the new birth symbolism. In raising my three daughters, I made it a policy to answer every question as honestly as possible. As a result, I never had to make an effort to bring up the Big Issues of faith or anything else, because they were relentlessly curious about everything. They, in fact, challenged me to define and clarify my own concept of faith. And everything else.
May your Easter day be full of joy and light. Brennan Manning describes riding through the French countryside at Easter time, and seeing graffiti scrawled on the barns, “L’amour de Dieu est folie!”
“The love of God is madness!” That is something to celebrate.
I was devastated when my mother told me that there was no Santa, so I promised myself that I’d never do that to my kids. They got presents, but not from the jolly fat man. They were raised in church, so they grew up knowing the religious meaning of holidays. We had special holiday foods, but not Santa, valentines, or Easter baskets.
Because of church, they absorbed a certain amount of information by osmosis. As they grew, I combined religious education with homeschooling, answering their questions as they came.
We are Catholic but not practicing. My boys are both baptized, but much too young to know what that means. We baptized them quite likely for all the wrong reasons, but really deep down inside for all the right reasons (does that make any sense?). Just now we’re struggling with whether to send our oldest a Catholic school in the fall. We can’t decide. Easter for us is a celebration of family, renewal and a belief in God. It is simple and complicated all at the same time. The kicker is, we haven’t discussed exactly how we will handle it all yet. I suppose we should, but I suspect like you, we’ll be right back here next year. That is, unless, we send him to Catholic school. Then I suppose they’ll do it for us.
I did not grow up a member of the denomination I am currently. Yet, as I am sure my children will, I have vivid memories of church and religion in my childhood. Strangely, I am the only one of my sisters – I am the oldest of two so have one sister but also have two half-sisters – who even goes to church.
My children have been to Catholic preschool – not all of them but three of them, Catholic elementary school – not all of them but three of them and not the same three. All six were baptized, made their first Eucharist, made their first Reconciliation and all have been confirmed.
Now, in my mind, it is time for me to sit back and see what the seeds that have been planted sprout. They are all now adults in the eyes of the church. Church is now their choice.
I guess what I am saying is I exposed all six from birth until now. At this point, as I did in my own life, it is time for them to decide what they believe and how/if to continue their relationship with Jesus.
Funny. I just blogged about this a few days ago. And one of the comments sent privately to me on facebook was how my kids won’t find Jesus in the jellybeans. Got some interesting feedback on the topic. If you care to read the post it’s at http://specialsauceinthehouse.blogspot.com/2010/03/of-faith-and-easter-bunny.html
For me, Easter is, and has always been, about the Easter Bunny and jelly beans. Well, and chocolate, of course.
I was raised with an understanding of different religions’ teachings, but my beliefs were never directed. We were allowed to believe or not believe in any religion we chose. I admire my parents for that, and I love the Easter Bunny for his role in it all.
Ah. Well I was raised as an unchurched individual and so I often feel like I’m flying without a compass on this one. But I think you’ll find that as your kids get older it will all sort itself out, although finding a faith community and participating in it regularly would certainly make the entire thing more organic. We have belonged to the same (Episcopal) church since before the births of both my children. My kids have heard and learned things from being at Sunday school and church and then have asked questions as part of the natural course of things.
My kids are pretty innocent (I’m strict about violent games, TV, movies, etc.) but at 5 and 8, they are able to handle the Easter story in its entirety. I certainly don’t dwell on the more gruesome physical aspects of the crucifixion but I make sure they know what Good Friday means because I think that it makes the joy of Easter meaningful.
I don’t know if this helps, but I find that treating religion the same way I treat literature works really well. That is, we have tons of great books lying around in carefully curated piles that I’m continually rotating. Stories are just part of our everyday lives. And some of them happen to be faith stories.
I am interested by your question. What do we tell our kids about our spiritual rituals and the Easter bunny? I’m confident your kids are knowing what they need to know, and with my confidence in you…I find I have more faith in myself.
Spring might always be a time when you think about your dad. I don’t know. But I know you lost him at this time of year, with Easter looming. It casts a new light on the whole death and what comes after death questions that seem to go with Easter.
As I read about your dad and your 11 year old question “What is the self?” as I linger through your park pictures of red balloons and turquoise shoes, I know your girls will hear a reverent voice from their mother.
This calms me.
I worry about getting traditions right. I fuss over imparting the important information. But I think kids are sponges for red balloons and turquoise shoes. They get it without my worry or my fussing. I need only drink it in, just as your dad did with Tolstoy and ladybugs.
He gave you something because he lived his life in front of you. I see you living in front of your girls and that gives me courage, today, that this is all I need to as well.
I won’t fuss today. No worry until tomorrow when I’ll probably forget again. I’ll simply find something to love as much as you love to write and notice the world around you.
I love this post, but I love the comments even more. Leave it to you to get people to engage to deeply and so honestly on such a tough subject. THIS is why I love this bloggy world of ours.
After reading this post on Friday, husband and I talked about Easter and how will handle it with Lil Mil (thank you for that, btw! once again, a great couple convo prompted by ILI!) And we had no good answers. Explaining the Resurrection to an adult isn’t easy. How the heck are we supposed to make it kid-friendly? And yet, I don’t want her to think it’s all about a big bunny who brings candy because, as you say, it’s NOT all about a big bunny who brings candy.
I guess I should be glad she’s only 11 weeks old. I have some time to figure it out. And all this fabulous advice to consider!! So thank you Aidan and thank you commenters.