My Girl Crush
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She sauntered into the room atop hot heels. Scattering sexy and sheepish smiles. Oozing intelligence and experience. Like cultured creatures, we approached one another – a blonde Professor of Insecurities and a brunette Professor of Irresistibility. We sized each other up, shook hands and traded words of welcome. I thanked her in advance for joining me, us. For sharing her wiles and her wisdom. She thanked me for inviting her. We were off to a good start.
As some of you know, I hosted Happier Hour Part Deux this past Wednesday night. Along with seventyish other women (including one of my beloved bloggy buds and one male crasher!), I welcomed the fabulous Marie. And she didn’t disappoint. To the contrary, Marie wowed us all, sharing brilliant bits of her expertise and experience (her nixed engagement, her foray into hip-hop, her self-publishing bravery, her insights on being rich, happy, and hot). She made us laugh deeply and nod fiercely.
Marie did something on Wednesday night that I attempt to do here every day at Ivy League Insecurities: She told her story and in doing so, she told ours. She talked about how alike we all are. Brunette or blonde, young or old, shy or bold, city or country, we are all going through many of the same things. We all face many of the same challenges. We are all victims and victors in the same thing: Life.
And it became clear – and instantly – that Marie is good for far more than dating advice. Her fabulous book How to Make Every Man Want You is indeed a Trojan Horse. Sure, it contains tips on lassoing good men, but at bottom, it is a guidebook on how to love. Self and other. And how to live. Well and fully.
And so. I am a wee bit biased, but I think the night was pure magic. We sipped cocktails and savored conversation. We were silly and serious all at once. We listened and learned. We allowed ourselves – on a random Wednesday in April – to slow down, open up, and be happier.
Marie shared so many compelling ideas about presence and purpose, but one in particular struck me. And I wanted to share that idea with you because this idea has already changed something in me. It was, and is, that powerful. An existential light switch of sorts.
You are not your mind.
You have a mind, but you are not your mind.
Marie elucidates this concept in her book,
You have a mind, but you are not your mind. You are also not the conversation you have with yourself in your mind. You may be thinking, “What conversation? What is she talking about?” That one!
…Your mind … is a past/future fear-based machine that is primarily concerned with survival. It’s always comparing, analyzing, scheming, and talking to you about what you need to do in order to become better, prettier, more successful, or more attractive. The mind is usually not supportive of your irresistibility. It likes to talk about your mistakes and how bad, unattractive, stupid, or unworthy you are. (By the way, none of those things your mind talks to you about are actually true, but unless you become aware that you are not your mind, you believe them to be true.)
As someone who is tethered to a busy and buzzing mind, a mind that does not cease with its creative and critical chatter, this was good and necessary for me to hear. I love my mind dearly, but sometimes, often, it distracts me and drags me down.
I am more than my mind. Far more. We all are.
It seems that I was not the only one who was shaken – in a good way – by Marie’s musings. Kate Northrup – my friend who generously introduced me to Marie and who was also with us on Wednesday night – wrote a great post yesterday about how she too is more than her mind.
We are not minds. Or bodies. We are people. People with bounty to bring and luggage to carry. With questions to live and love to give.
We are all insecure. We are all irresistible.
Thank you, Marie, for making Happier Hour such a smashing success and for waking me up to the reality that I am more than my marvelously manic mind.
______________________
- Do you have any professional/intellectual crushes?
- Do you agree that we are more than our minds, than the conversations in our heads?
- Do you believe that we are more alike than we are different?
- Do you believe that insecurity and irresistibility can commingle in us?
- Do you think that, in some part, our insecurities and humanness can add to our irresistibility?
- Do you think we are so insecure, to some extent, because we do not feel irresistible enough?
- Have you ever encountered an idea or person that triggered a profound realization in you? What was that idea?
ILI DAILY CHARM: MORE OF ME!
Today you can also find me and my words next door at Amy’s wonderful blog the Never-True Tales! Is it a bit bizarre and egotistical to feature myself a daily charm? Perhaps. But Amy’s blog is well worth a visit. And anyway, as my friend Gretchen Rubin says (or quotes someone who said?): “Ubiquity is the new exclusivity.”
um. i have a crush on your girl crush. shhhh. don’t tell Lovie.
i love what you said about making people realize that all of our stories are the same. it’s so true.
i’ve long said that if you were to add the sum of all the different parts of each and every individual, you’d get the same answer. in other, less mathematical words, we’re all equal.
yet society tells us otherwise and points to esthetics and money to differentiate the winners and losers. but really, the only true losers are the ones who buy into such nonsense.
b/c we’re all the same.
So very true. So bummed I’m not in the area. These Happier Hours would be the highlights of my week
Would have loved to hear more about her theory, I suppose we would all like to be free of the limitations of our mind. This is the first I’ve ever heard this notion, that we are not your mind. While I admit it makes sense, actually believing it, separating it and nit falling prey to it are completely different things. That requires a huge leap of faith. In the end, I suppose our insecurities are just part of what make us human and keep us on our toes (or heals as it were).
I just read Marie’s bio and I’m completely overwhelmed. The only thing that made me feel better is the fact that Rachael Ray’s name is misspelled in her long list of appearances and accomplishments (which will now likely be corrected, thereby rendering my one, tiny taste of superiority moot…).
In reading/hearing about women like this I struggle with ambivalent feelings of admiration (“I want to be like that!”) and inadequacy (“That’s too much. Why would I ever want to be like that?”).
Perhaps I could stand to hear her speak about our universality, because from where I’m sitting now her life seems as far from universal as anything I could imagine.
Talk about insecurities… Can you tell I’m having a bad hair day?
PS – 70?? So glad that Part Deux was such a success!
Haha! I love you combing for a typo. That’s something I would do.
Marie is one of my greatest friends, but when I first met her in our hip hop class at Crunch 7 years ago, I wanted to hate her. If you saw her in her lycra pants, you’d really know why.
Turns out, as extraordinary as she is, Marie has this gift for making you feel good about yourself instead of inadequate.
Read her blog, book, etc – you’ll feel the Marie magic.
This is an unpaid endorsement.
I will second your unpaid endorsement with my own. Yes, you want to hate her. But it’s impossible. She is too real. Too kind. Too thoughtful.
Alas, the legion of fans expands by one.
Thrilled to have found my way over to Talking Shrimp!
I’m going to have to third the unpaid endorsement here. I first met Marie at Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts (www.mamagenas.com) when she came to speak at our networking night and I was immediately enchanted. Not only is she hot, a great business woman, and super-fun, she’s totally likable and does have quite a knack for making me feel fabulous in her presence (second you on that one Belgray)…the trappings of a true goddess. Thanks for this post, Aidan, and thank you for the Happier Hours. Also, thanks for the shout-out here. I’m loving the blog love.
Gale, I am glad to hear you say these things because this is how I often feel when I meet/read about someone so extremely accomplished. It can sometimes completely dwarf, in my mind, my own accomplishments while at the same time it inspires me. Of course these are natural reactions, but it still surprises me to see that you feel them to. From what I have read from your blog and comments on others’ posts, you always seem so confident. This reminds me of the insecurities we all have and that we all have our own strengths.
From the response you have received thus far I think I have got to meet this amazing woman Marie at some point in my life.
Celeste,
Thanks for your response here. You’re right. For the most part I am very confident. I have a wonderful life that I have cultivated intentionally over time, and it’s something that I’m quite proud of. But, as you mentioned, we all have insecurities. There is much about me that is unique and distinguished. But there is also much that is average and commonplace. Sometimes – and in the face of someone like Marie who seems to have no commonplace elements at all – I feel self-conscious about those elements of myself.
Finding inspiration in other people can be a tricky business. Looking up to them and admiring them can catalyze healthy growth in ourselves. But it also requires a certain mental fortitude to keep from comparing yourself and finding only discouragement.
Anyway, thanks again for your response here. I appreciate your insight and feedback.
well let me just start by admitting I have a gigantically big crush on those shoes.
sounds like the gathering was both fun and affirming on many levels. i so wish i could join you!
I am sorry that I missed it!
(and I have those VERY shoes!)
xox
I actually think her shoes were HOTTER than the ones you picture here! Marie OOZED self confidence in a not obnoxious, in-your face way, but in a “I REALLY want to be her friend” kind of way. She was an amazing speaker who captured my attention and captivated me immediately. The way she talked about “not Being your mind” made total sense to me at the time and I left that night thinking it was a total A Ha moment. And I’ve been thinking about it since Wednesday every time that little negative voice pipes up in my mind, telling me I can’t do something or I’m not achieving what I want. And I have to say, it’s REALLY hard to ignore that voice. I think it takes practice. It takes practice to believe your mind is not the end all be all because your mind’s negative thoughts are based on experience so it’s hard to ignore it.
But like so many other things I’m learning these days about happiness and being present, I’m WILLING to practice because in the end, it will make us happier women and happier moms.
Thanks Aidan for hosting such a great night. I feel so lucky to have been able to join you and look forward to the next one!
I LOVED the intro. Sublime. Thanks for the pointer, visiting Amy now.
Sounds like a great time was had by all!
only comment i have time to make today, is that it occurred to me that you, Aidan, and your amazing circle of friends would make for a much better reality show than the current Real Housewives of New York. I admit, I watch those shallow, bitter women duke it out each week, but I’d honestly perfer to tune in to watch a group of women who genuinely like and support each other. I think there’s more of us then them out there, and it’d be nice if women could be represented in their more accurate role: pillars of strength, providers of love, philanthropists on every level everyday.
I agree with Tara’s idea. That’s definitely something I’d watch!
Aidan,
I love that you have introduced me to two profoundly interesting women, Marie & Kate! (As well as your own blog…which, I have to say, has become the first blog I check every morning!)
I have been thinking a lot about the power of our own thoughts. The other day I happened to stumble upon Byron Katie’s website and she seems to have the same theory about our thoughts dictating our reactions, moods, overall enjoyment of life, etc.
I blogged about it too over at http://www.dailymoxie.com, but I have a feeling it is a topic I am going to have to keep coming back to because I don’t quite have a complete grasp on it yet.
Keep up the great writing! Looking forward to Life After Yes!!
all best,
Jocelyn
PS- Is it just me or does your cover girl for Life After Yes look like Sarah Jessica Parker?
Interesting concept. I can tell it’s going to take me a while to absorb that one!
As for intellectual crushes: All. The. Time.
This is a great post, Aidan. I honestly had not ever heard of Maria Forleo, but after reading about her, I can certainly see the girl crush.
I’ve never thought of whether or not we are more than our minds or not and it is a fascinating idea. One I cannot stop mentaling. I’ve always thought my mind one of my very favorite things about myself. It holds my dreams, memories, joys, and insignificant things that make me giggle.
Am I more than my mind? Yes. BUT I’M SO PROUD OF IT! (that was a whiney yell. not an angry one) I want to be more than a woman, wife, mother, and in my mind I am. My mind is what will get me there (with drive, hard work, etc.)
You’ve given me some food for thought. Thanks.
A thought-provoking post! I am not my mind. And thank goodness I am not my monkey mind, that chatters all day long.
Thank you for stopping by my little blog and leaving a comment. It’s funny how putting my feelings on the page helps release them. Today I saw a rainbow, metaphorically…
Great post!
I’m a Welcomista & am stopping by to welcome you to SITS.
Have a great night!
I would never admit it publicly, but in the anonymous blog world, yes I have intellectual crushes. I just try to learn from them and emulate them.
Intellectual crushes? All the time. Those shoes? Love them so wish I had seen the actual ones. By the way, I saw a gorgeous pair of yellow ones a few days back and immediately thought of you, Aidan.
My voices in my head have been playing with me lately. I so needed to hear to turn them off.