The Katie Holmes Question
- 04
- 27
- 10
I have a friend. She is an aspiring actress. When she is not auditioning or acting, she waits tables at one of my favorite restaurants. A few weeks ago, this friend told me a story.
She told me that her friend – another waitress at this restaurant – was working one Friday night when Katie Holmes and her daughter Suri walked in. This friend of my friend said that Katie Holmes was impossibly thin and looked very tired. That little Suri wore a filthy nightgown and bunny slippers.
So what?
Good question.
This friend of my friend said that Katie was very normal and very nice. I’m not sure what that means, but it sounds like a good thing. Apparently, Mrs. Cruise was very polite when she ordered herself a tea and her little girl a cupcake. Fine.
Katie and Suri sat together. Mother and daughter. Apparently, Suri did not say one word. Not one. And she didn’t eat her cupcake, but played with it. Poked holes in the frosting with her little finger. Normal kid stuff.
This friend of my friend, the waitress, said that by the time Katie turned to go with her little princess in tow, there were dozens of photographers outside. Waiting to pounce. To get that money shot of this mother and daughter duo.
And I guess they did. I know because I saw those photos in the gossip magazines I read out of weakness and wonder. I saw the sad eyes of a stretched mother. And the plush slippers of a young child.
This friend of my friend said she felt sorry for Katie. For the fact that she couldn’t buy tea and baked goods in peace. For the fact that she would never be alone or anonymous.
But me? I’m torn.
On the one hand, I feel for this mother. That could have been any of us, ducking from city streets into a hushed haven for caffeine and cupcakes, holding the hand of a strong-willed kid in soiled pajamas.
On the other hand, my sympathy has limits. This woman chose to tether herself to a wild world and a conspicuous man. To tread a public path. To become an object of scrutiny in exchange for bright lights and money and fame. And maybe for love too.
But where I’m not torn is that little girl. A girl who never dons the same outfit twice. A girl who is allowed to wear lipstick and high heels in public. A girl who is four and drinks milk from a bottle. A girl whose slippers become photographic fodder for strangers (like yours truly) to savor.
A girl who has no choice.
Rewind two paragraphs. The one that begins “But where I’m not torn…” The plan was to end this post after the “A girl who has no choice” bit. But now. I reread my own words. And I detect judgment. I am judging a mother, a person, I don’t know based on perceptions. Perceptions sold to me at a newsstand. I see tiny heels and bright lips and I say to myself (never aloud), Now that is not a good mother. A good mother wouldn’t do those things.
But now. I don’t know. Maybe it is because I am a writer and I mine my material. Maybe it is because I am a mother and I know better. We all try. We all fail. We all do things of which we are less than proud. And most of us don’t have a pack of hungry men on our tail eager to memorialize our failures.
And so. I don’t know. I sit here. Away from the bright lights that flash in a little girl’s eyes, not knowing. Judging, always judging, but never knowing.
I think I feel for both of them. Mother and daughter.
I think we should all be able to have our quiet bunny slipper moments. Where we are free from flashes and eyes. Where we can sip tea and poke frosting in peace.
And so. I am waffling on this one. No sympathy. Real sympathy. Somewhere in between.
Waffling or no, I still feel for that little girl. A product of parents, yes. But also a product of our own prejudices and preoccupations. I hope she is allowed to be a kid. To do her thing. To watch cartoons. To skip on sidewalks and in open fields. To have play dates. To snuggle. To smile.
To be a kid.
I don’t know this little girl. None of us does. But I hope these things.
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- Do you feel for celebrity parents or do you think they have chosen their paparazzi plight?
- Do you worry about the little ones you see splashed on the pages of gossip magazines?
- Why do you think we are so interested in celebrity stories and celebrity struggles? To feel better about our own flaws and less-glittery lives?
- Why do you think we are so quick to judge other parents and people when we never know the whole story? Is this more about our own insecurities as people and parents?
Everyone struggles and...
I think the Suri case is more than just a celebrity child. We don’t notice the children of celebrities as much when they are doing normal kid things (I don’t know Jennifer Garners kids come to mind). I think the designer clothes and heels and baby bottle are interesting moves when you know it will be captured and spread around the world. Or maybe, when your reality is such that photographers are always there you live your life as though they aren’t there. The judgement question is interesting. I have had children with ear infections on airplanes. When my child was crying I felt others weren’t sympathetic. When another child cries I roll my eyes and get annoyed. Interesting questions at 6:43 am.
I really like this post, Aidan. I don’t follow much celebrity gossip, other than what I see in the grocery store line. I didn’t know that Suri Cruise (what a name) wears make-up, drinks from a bottle, etc. I try not to judge other people’s parenting styles, even though that’s nearly impossible sometimes. I’m not surprised that Katie Holmes seemed unhappy, though.
I do feel for people in show-business, especially young ones. Katie Holmes was pretty young when she started acting, right? On Dawson’s Creek, she was still a teenager. I don’t know much about her life, but I know she’s a hell of a lot younger than Tom Cruise, and surely, she was swept away by his good looks, charm, celebrity status (and of course, religion). I think so many people want to be famous before they realize that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. I would never want the kind of fame that so many celebrities have. I can’t imagine navigating through the difficult terrain of life with cameras watching my every move. Look at poor Sandra Bullock, or any other woman whose relationship/marriage is fodder for gossip shows and magazines. It’s a double-edged sword. They want the success, but with the success comes a total lack of privacy and anonymity in the world, something we dearly need sometimes.
I can’t imagine the pressure that exists in Hollywood. I’m always disappointed when a woman who had a very healthy figure loses weight, and her body looks like every other starlet. Her head suddenly becomes too big on her tadpole body. I think that’s a sign that even the strongest personalities succumb to that world. I’m never envious of that life. Ever.
No sympathy, real sympathy, pseudo sympathy, who knows, but you’ve touched on it regardless. With a little girl of my own I can only wonder how tough it must be for one in the limelight.
I guess I have less sympathy because there are others – those who are in the public eye – who manage to get away, not be constantly under the camera lens. Maybe I should be sympathetic of them as they are living less of a life, but I do not know that as they are not all over the tabloids.
I do have some sympathy that a mother cannot take her daughter out without being followed. I cannot imagine the pain this causes in a mother’s heart, to not have time with one’s own child.
I believe, like you, I am torn.
As a mother of a daughter who prefers to wear princess dresses and bunny slippers in public (and the occasional purple glitter chapstick), I have to admire Katie Holmes. I allow my daughter to make her own wardrobe choices (with some limits, of course) because I choose to pick my battles. And on some level, I’m pleased that she’s expressing her independence so resolutely. That said, in public I get strange looks and raised eyebrows, along with the “oh, how cute” comments, and I am certainly neither famous nor followed by paparazzi. That Katie Holmes is comfortable allowing Suri to act on her fledgling independence, even knowing that both of them will be inscrutably judged by the world, speaks to me of a mother who is strong, confident, and flexible. And the bottle feeding, well, that one gets me, but again, as moms we constantly choose our battles. Maybe Katie’s busy choosing another one right now.
I was really struck by your observation Stacia, because now that you’ve pointed it out so clearly, I’m thinking, of course! Suri was probably exerting her own individuality here. It makes perfect sense and yet, it wasn’t my first reaction. And that to me speaks volumes, about society in general. We conditioned to think the worst, to assume things that we would really have no reason to know. I appreciate you opening my eyes, to what, quite likely was really just about life with a normal 4 year old. I appreciate that.
You know I am a celebrity tabloid addict just as you are, so, yikes. I never stop to think. I read quickly and I judge quickly. I’m these publications’ target audience. I justify it by thinking: These magazines are my escape. Still (and I think this is a point of yours) rarely do I stop to think of the subjects — the little girls, even — enabling my escape. Long ago I think I wrote a blog post about giving up my trashy mags for awhile to make some sort of moral statement, but obviously that didn’t stick…
I think there are celebrities out there who try really hard for normalcy and protect their children from the glitz and glam of Hollywood, and they are the ones you don’t often see in tabloids. It doesn’t seem to me that Katie Holmes is really trying with Suri or maybe that is the plight of the celebrity, where you don’t get to pick where the limelight hits.
Either way, I do feel for both mother and daughter. Parenting is hard enough without being scrutinized by everyone in the world, and I’m not sure Suri will ever know what it feels like to be a “normal” little girl. The always-new designer dresses, high heels at three and constant flashing of lights the moment she steps out of her house certainly don’t help.
Hmmmm, like you Aidan, mixed feelings, but perhaps for a different reason.
There are “celebrities” that manage to stay out of the paparazzi spotlight and that you do not see in the tabloids all the time. These celebrities manage to keep their kids out of the limelight for the most part, so I don’t have any sympathy for Katie Holmes being so sigh, exhausted, that the paps won’t leave her alone. Oh BS. Now the kids on the other hand. I feel something for them, although I am not sure it’s sympathy, in part because I don’t know if, at this young stage in their lives, they really understand the breadth of what is going on in their lives. Now, perhaps later on, if they go all Drew Barrymore or something, I might feel pity, and a touch of sympathy, but probably more anger towards the parents.
I don’t read tabloid websites anymore, nor do I ever buy the mags. I don’t know what is going on in most celebrities lives, other than what pops up in my local news (Ugh, the Gosselins, Bret Michaels and Sandra Bullock currently). I think this is a very difficult topic because our society has created this phenomenon and yet we tend to judge those who choose to take advantage of what we have created. Interesting dichotomy.
Sometimes a person’s anguish and morality wash over onto their children. When I think of Katie Holmes (for some reason I’ll never think of her with the Cruise moniker) I think of a woman who was stilted before her time.
She appears to not care anymore. Which often happens when you’re judged regardless of how well or not you interact.
And for all the above reasons, I don’t buy into the celebrity life and glamor nor follow it. Life is questionable for anyone with a light shone on them, rich or poor. We can’t exactly choose the moment when it shines on us and portray an always happy exterior, especially when what’s inside shows itself. (Hugs)Indigo
I have four children. parenthood should be oldhat to me, right? WRONG!! each and every one of my children are so very different from each other. oldest got 100 (sometimes 110) percent of my attention for the first few years of his life. i was the perfect mother. his shoes were impecible, clothes never soiled/stained, hair always combed. i definitely thought it was the right/only way to mother. number two came along, and i was able to maintain that same level of attention/grooming on both of the children, but she had her own ideas and i couldn’t be guarenteed compliance from her like i could her brother. i also remember that i was no longer guarenteed a shower each day. but i was still in the mindset that it was the sacrifice every “good” mother should make. number three came along three years later, and completely opened my eyes to how fucked up (sorry for the expletive, but it’s accurate) i was in thinking that i could/should try to contol the perception of perfect pareting. I was starting to see how, by accepting that i am not perfect, it’s okay for my children to not be perfect. it was like someone released a pressure valve from my head and heart & i recaptured that thinking-self i once had been prior to parenthood. there’s more than one way to skin a cat, and by child number four, i’m finally comfortable in my own mommy skin. i know what’s right for each of my kids as individuals, and i know what my expectations are of them collectively. i couldn’t care less if someone else is trying to forcefeed me their ideals/expectations. a dearly departed friend once told me, “Remember, Tara, tend you’re own garden.” when i’m in doubt, when i’m about to judge someone else, i remember those words for they were the best words of advice that i’ve ever received.
For some reason, I think Katie Holmes really didn’t know what she was getting into. She NEVER looks happy anymore. I don’t think she has any friends…is she “allowed” to have friends?
As for Suri, I don’t think she has a shot in Hell of ever being a normal kid. But the bunny slippers maybe give me a shred of hope.
The “celebrity” kids I really worry about are those Gosselin children. I used to watch that show–and LOVE it–for how adorable they were. But their parents chose a path for them that took an awful turn. I don’t blame them for signing on for Jon and Kate Plus 8 at the beginning. They were saddled with 8 kids (and not like the octomom who chose that) and they needed money and they were being offered a show for lots of cash. And it was a bit before the reality shows got as crazy as they are today.But then the marriage took a turn, the tabloids latched on, and Those. Poor. Children. I can’t get over it.
I thought of that while reading this post because you can’t help but wonder if Suri will end up in the same situation. What if her parents get divorced? (I’m sorry to say I assume they will, but I’ve been soiled by celeb culture). She’ll be hounded by the paparazzie even more. And even though I wonder if she’s even Tom’s child, the poor girl deserves a childhood….
I echo many of the comments that have already been made (Jana, Stacia, TKW). I agree that KH likely had no idea what she was walking into when she let Tom Cruise sweep her off her feet. Her life is, on every imaginable level, so beyond normal that I think the rest of us could never really wrap our heads around it. To try to hold her up to the yardsticks we use is largely a worthles endeavor.
Nevertheless, there are celebrities who manage to raise their children off of the radar screen – Meryl Streep, Susan Sarandon, etc. Granted they were raising their families in a pre-TMZ era. But even current starlets (Garner, Witherspoon, and the like) seem to provide some level of conventional normalcy for their children.
But as you, and others, have said, who are we to judge? We have no idea what the logistics of her life were at the moment that she decided that cupcakes and tea sounded like a good idea. And life as a celeb must be terribly difficult sometimes. I don’t envy it.
Susan Sarandon, Meryl Streep raised their kids way before this celebrity obsession began- and I do not think that Holmes can shield her daughter from paparazzi. When we see pictures of her and her daughter they are doing every day things that we do with our own children (just like the stolen moment that aidan is talking about). Suri’s parents are just too famous to avoid being hounded at this age. For example the Jolie-Pitt clan they are on the other side of the world but we see pictures of them getting ice cream with their grandparents or playing in the park. Is this their parents fault? Should they not allow their kids to play in the park? or get ice cream?
I feel for celebrity parents only because everything they do with their children especially if both parents are famous will be scrutinized. I think they choose the life of an actress/singer/ not necessarily being followed and harassed. I am in LA and I saw Victoria & David Beckham and their kids getting frozen yogurt. It was madness– the photographers are so close, yelling things, the parents have to be watchful of the kids, and make room just to get to the store. Even the few minutes walk to and from the car becomes a situation. Now imagine if this was the moment your child decided to have a tantrum?
I think we are interested in celeb stories/plights because it makes them more relatable. I think parents judge one another without knowing the whole story because we live in a society of competition. The kids are competitive, the parents, school, and it just makes you feel better if you see a little girl with soiled nightgown and bunny slippers and think what was that mother thinking? I would never do that!
Personally I am super anal when it came to my child getting dressed, when she was younger I would put her outfits together for the week and hang them in the closet, when she had uniform (I had them tailored for better fit, and bought a ridiculous amount)… So seeing a little girl like suri that day would have boosted my agenda and given me reason to believe what I was RIGHT– although obviously now I look back and think how crazy I was!!
So yes Aidan I think we judge because it has more to do with our own insecurities– just like why do moms judge the mom who buys store bought baked goods? vs homemade? haha that could be its own blog post!
Wow. Great post. I, too, am a celebrity magazine junkie. I eat it up. I don’t feel bad for the celebrities like Katie. I think they chose that, and yes, it sucks that they are hounded, and yes, papparazzi have gotten out of control (b/c of people like me, I admit, who buy the mags by the dozen), but she has perks we don’t have. She has the money that allows her to do whatever she wants…provide college for her Suri, go on trips, take the day off for Suri’s birthday, whatever. She pays for that by losing her privacy. It’s a pay off. Most of us lead private lives but have to work our asses off to just pay the mortgage, forget planning for college for the kids. Now as for the kids? I never thought about it, I must say. I suppose there are perks too, and I suppose (I hope) that with good parenting, it won’t matter in the end….that they can grow up in this world and still be healthy, functioning, “normal” people. But I will say that there are MANY moments in my parenting that I realize: “If I were famous, and they took a picture right now, it would not look good.” And I don’t mean that in the vain way.
I take it on a case by case basis. We don’t know how many celebrities got into the business because they hope to be famous and how many didn’t.
None of us can hold up to that kind of scrutiny without looking foolish/mean/weird/stupid or any number of other adjectives.
All you see is a small snippet of their lives, most of the time with limited context. When my son was younger he wouldn’t brush his hair because he hated it.
I can’t tell you why, but trying to meant going to war with him and most of the time it just wasn’t worth it. So he went to school with hair that wasn’t brushed. Sometimes his clothes didn’t match as well as they could have.
But it wasn’t worth the battle, so we let him look like a little ragamuffin. He was clean and well behaved, just looked a bit unkempt. I didn’t have to worry about his picture being splashed everywhere either.
Ugh, I hate our society’s celebrity obsession. But I’m part of the problem, I admit it! You described it so well, Aidan: “out of weakness and wonder.” Yes, this is why I visit celebrity gossip websites. Out of weakness and wonder. I don’t subscribe to any celeb magazines if that helps!
I suspect this child is growing up happy. She is never too hungry to concentrate at school. She never witnesses the kind of domestic brutality that other children observe in their homes and neighborhoods regularly. She never wonders whether her family will be evicted or if she will have a warm, safe place to sleep. There are so many many other children who we could be worried about. It’s OK to skip over the celebrity kids. Their parents are doing the best they can under the circumstances.
What Diane said packed a punch for me. In the gut.
I don’t know why I even entertain questions about famous people while standing in line and looking at magazines in the grocery store. I try not to notice or care, but it’s boring in line…
I’m a softie and I feel for celebrities who always have cameras in their faces. I don’t think that was their life goal at all. To act, to sing, to write…that was the goal and it comes with a higher price these days.
I don’t really think anything about any celebrity mom…I mostly just think I have no clue. I’m good at no clue
Living in Los Angeles part of the time, with friends and family in the industry, this is something I’ve thought about a good bit. I’ve found that encounters with Famous People are usually far different from the way you’d expect them to be. Some that you’d assume to be most aloof and walled-off are often the least so, and vice versa.
I think that many in the public eye (evil eye?) just really don’t understand all the ramifications of what they’re getting into until it’s too late.
Thought you might be interested in this piece written after an encounter with Jennifer Garner for a true study in contrast:
http://kimarnoldblog.blogspot.com/2010/02/shutters.html
(sorry…granny doesn’t know how to link on comments.)
Wow. Why is judgement on our minds today? I wrote a post on judgement today, too. It’s a slippery slope. I relate to this in many ways. Just the other day I was talking to a friend about Kate Gosselin and my first instinct was one of “What is that woman thinking?” and my second was, “I am not in her life so I can’t judge her decisions.” And still, I waffle, too. Sympathy. No sympathy. Understanding. No understanding. I’ve often had similar thoughts to yours regarding Suri Cruise.
In the end, we’re moms. We’re women. I want believe that we are all truly doing the very best WE can in OUR situation. I really hope that’s the case.
I truly cannot imagine what it is like to be so overexposed…to an entire world. Honestly, I don’t think about it too much. I can’t. It doesn’t seem like reality to me. I have no basis for understanding what celebrity like is day to day. But I’m with you that I hope this little girl feels some shred of a childhood. Has playmates. Plays on the soccer team. Sings at the school play. All in all, though, Diane (above) is right. It’s hard to feel badly for the celebrities when there are so many real horror stories out there. People living just next door or across the street who cannot even afford to eat.
One last thing…I love that you backtracked instead of deleting and/or rewriting. Love that!
I think you hit on something here, Aidan, with the connection between celebrity and judgment. I think judgment comes very naturally to some of us (myself included at times), but I’ve been trying lately to think about what my judgments say about me and my own insecurities. I think it’s hard for me to judge the life of a celebrity when it’s both so removed from my own and also, admittedly, something that I find enviable in a way.
Wow. What a story. I do feel sorry for the little girl. How can you ever be normal after seeing pictures of you flashed all over the place??