The White Picket Fence Problem
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You hear tidbits. Complaints. Gripes. Barbs. And you sit up. Listen more intently. But then there is a long and laborious silence, the white picket fence of sweet stasis, in which nothing – nothing – is said and real life resumes with its clinking glasses and faux smiles and forward motion.
But there are detectable cracks. And through them, unhappiness seeps toward you and slaps you in the face. And you say it to yourself (never aloud, never): My friend is not happily committed. And the moment you say it or think it – however silently – you chide yourself for jumping. To judgment. To conclusions. For no union is perfect. None.
But you know. You know better. You know that beyond that glittering colorless fence and that perfectly-groomed lawn, there is struggle. And you care. Because it is your friend. And this friend needs you more than you know. There is a story to tell. There is an acrid abundance of question marks. There are tears, lurking behind tired and disciplined eyes, waiting to fall.
But. You are a coward. Or a civilized creature. You say nothing. You nod. You proffer sympathetic smiles. At that gleaming white fence, that fence that keeps everything bad out – and in — you say goodbye, trading wispy air kisses, and go on your merry way.
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What do you do when you know your friend is having relationship troubles and she/he will not open up? Do you pry? Do you wait behind that mystical white fence? Do you agree that once people are committed or married they are much less apt to talk about the integrity of their relationships? Why is this?
Everyone struggles and...
To be honest I’ve not often been in this situation. But I know I’m often a chicken and often, in my experience, guys are terrible at opening up and even worse at prying. Occasionally my wife is the one who knows stuff is going on and orchestrates an opportunity for me to go for a beer with the chap and tentatively pry, but I’m rubbish at it.
The best you can do is let the friend know you are there should she wish to talk or cry or whatever. I wouldn’t pry but sometimes, just the knowledge that someone will listen, is enough.
As a person who was once on the other side of that fence, I can tell you that no one will dicuss their relationship issues until they are ready. But it’s wonderful to know that there’s a friend out there waiting to listen when the time comes.
Hi there,
I came over from Theta Mom’s blog and am so glad she sent me your way in her post today.
I try to let my friends know I am always available if they want to talk. I have been on both sides of that fence as well, and I agree you can’t force someone to share if he/she isn’t ready….
Erin – Welcome! I am so thrilled that Heather sent you my way. I do think there is something simple – and profoundly important – about letting friends know that we are available to talk about things, even the hard things. I guess I worry that once married, once tucked snugly behind those coveted white picket fences of commitment, people do not avail themselves of their friends’ offers to listen. I think many of us get entrenched in our own worlds and our own issues and find it hard to open up and talk about them.
Thank you for your comment!
Oh Aidan, I so adore your writing.
I’m with Erica. When someone is ready, they will come to you. The real fear for them is the judgment you might hold. How will YOU receive the “failings” of their marriage. The knowledge that the perfection was a facade. And they are not ready to cope with that yet. They want to process what is occurring in their own way. And yet, they want to know that you will be there with them…whether they stay in the marriage or whether they go…with your judgment checked at the door.
If I may suggest, when trading wispy air kisses, linger near her ear and say “I am here for you”. And mean it as I know you must.
XO
I completely agree that something happens when two people get married where they stop talking about their relationship to others. And I am guilty too. I remember before we were all married, my friends and I always talked about our relationships. Now we talk about kids and jobs and anything but. Recently married friends of ours separated and we had no idea anything was wrong. Until we thought about it, and realized we were missing a lot of signs, and simply not asking. I am not very bold about bringing hard stuff up with friends, maybe she is the same way. Perhaps she is just waiting for someone to ask.
Thanks for stopping by this little neck of the bloggy woods, Kim! (Love the name of your blog!) What is SO interesting about your comment and so many of the others here (and perhaps fodder for its own post) is that this post is not really about a particular person. Rather, it was meant as a more universal musing on what happens when we sequester ourselves behind the white picket fence of commitment. Over the years, I have had several moments where I could tell that a friend was unhappy and I didn’t know what to do. I have noticed that marriage – and commitment more generally – tends to stifle certain breeds of conversation…
Anyway, thanks so much for your comment! Hope you come back and often!
Sorry, meant to tell you that I am visiting from Theta Mom and I really enjoy your blog!
I think our pride, our need to be happy (or at least to look like we are), our optimism (that things will get better) and fear of judgment prevent us from talking about the real issues.
I won’t pry, but I will try to discreetly reach out to let a friend know that I will be there, no matter what. And then I wait.
I tried to hide my marital problems from most people, but I did open up to a couple of friends. I just didn’t want people to worry about me. Until your friend is ready to talk, try to keep her socially engaged. It’s so easy to isolate oneself when life isn’t going according to plan.
Oh, this is so painful. And even more so when we all feel we must keep up appearances, maintain the veneer of perfection. And I understand. I’m a chicken too. I don’t like to reveal much about my marriage, and I’m not one to pry or ask very direct questions when I sense something is wrong with my friends. Maybe this is a part of Minnesota nice, that somewhat passive-aggressive, surface level politeness.
I think you should send her a short, handwritten note just saying that you love her and offering whatever help she needs. She might not be ready to talk about it in person, but you can plant the seed in a nonthreatening way. And when she is ready, she knows you are there.
Does it depend on the friend and the type of friendship you have? Maybe. Maybe it does. Hard to say. If she will be hurt or annoyed by the fact that you are asking, or offering your help, maybe you sit and wait. But then again, I am one for honesty and openness and giving. There is so much giving to do. And people need us. And really, everything you ever have to say is really all about how you deliver it more than it is about the words.
If I were in your shoes? I would tell that friend what you think. That you are concerned. That your heart aches for her and you wonder why? Should it ache? Is she okay? Does she need an ear or a shoulder? You are there. You will always be there.
But again, I know not this friend. Her life. Her side of the white picket fence. What I do know is that we all need others. And some of us have a hard time giving in to that.
I have had this very problem twice. Recently.
Both times, with both friends, I did the same thing. Basically: “Here I am. If you need me. Whenever. I’m here.”
Both times, I was told the same thing. Basically: “Thanks, but no thanks.”
I’m learning to mind my own business. It frustrates the hell out of me.
I am clearly in the minority but then I am a pryer at heart. I think you can rightfully pry if it is a best friend; otherwise, you can’t pry.
That said, by pry I mean you can ask one “are things okay with you?” question when the time seems right and leave it at that even if the response is fakely chipper. Maybe an “are you sure?” follow-up if the answerer wavers. But then that is really it.
I have been on the other side of the fence as you know. Not in many years thankfully but sometimes it takes a nudge to open up.
And maybe sometimes people aren’t talking because they don’t even know yet what they feel. They aren’t articulated anything because of how mixed up they feel. Or, they’re scared that if they say it out loud, the pain of the white picket fence crumbling, the truth, will hurt too much. The truth always needs to be spoken, but all different people are ready for that at all different times.
I could really feel this post. Thank you.
Oooh this is a poignant post. I love the way you wrote it with so little specific detail of a personal situation, but how applicable and personal it actually is. Having been in this situation many times, I find often the best thing to do is share of myself authentically to let people know that with me, there’s a safe space to share of themselves authentically. And sometimes that degree of trust can take years to build. And that’s okay because the truth is worth waiting for.
“Truth is worth waiting for.” So true. So lovely. Alas, life is one big waiting game, no?
I meant “articulating” of course. And it’s funny that I’m talking about articulation when I can’t articulate.
I don’t know if it’s the people I’m friends with, but they do tend to talk a great deal about their marriages. I’ve found as we’ve all started approaching or passing 40 that a lot of them aren’t happy. I try to practice the most active listening I can – no advice, just lots of sympathy. I’m sure it helps your friend just to know you’re there.
Welcome, Mara! So wonderful that your circle of friends continues to be open about their respective marriages. Far less wonderful that so many of them seem to be unhappy. I think that “active listening” is truly what it’s all about.
Thank you for popping by ILI!
I definitely agree that it depends on the degree/depth of friendship you have with that person. I think that yes, she probably would talk if she was ready, but I also see nothing wrong with extending the message that you’re happy to listen should she need an ear.
I don’t have anything original to offer here. Just my support. I hope you find the right way to navigate this choppy water (if you decide to at all), and I hope your friend is receptive or at least appreciative of your concern. Life can be such a confusing jumble sometimes.
In my own blog, I’ve spent a lot of time pondering “the rules of friendship.” When a friendship is just beginning self-disclosure and support are key elements. And I think they remain so. On your end, I think it’s important to support but not pry. Part of supporting is understanding that someone else may not be ready to talk, but also saying (perhaps not explicitly) “I’m here when you are.” As for self-disclosure, it’s proven that relationships in which only one side self-discloses often fall to the wayside. This is by no means to say that because she’s not opening up you aren’t going to be friends. Certainly not. But eventually if you continue to feel she’s closed off and not being honest, things could get tense. I hope not. Just saying… It’s sounds to me as if you’ve done everything right, and in time, if you are true friends, she will open up to you when she’s ready…
Like Sarah, I think it depends on the friend and the nature of the friendship. But I don’t think you pry. It’s such a private world, and she may have reasons of her own for not confiding that are not what you expect.
If it’s a close friendship, she’ll know you will be there when she’s ready. Otherwise, you respond kindly and with sensitivity, vaguely aware that things aren’t right. And let her be.
You need to be very cautious about this. I have a number of friends who are already divorced or splitting up with their wives. I have seen two friendships thrown into chaos because the guys were trying to be supportive.
For example, a dear friend has split up with a woman that we all disliked…immensely. One of the boys told our friend that she is a major bitch. She is and he meant well, but it wasn’t well received.
Somethings are better left unsaid.
You never know what is going on in another relationship. I’d be cautious about prying. If you are close they’ll know that they can talk and when they are ready, they will.
I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoy reading you thoughts. Please keep it up.
Always Bumby
Thanks, Bumby!
I can’t even imagine what that’s like… we’ve had our ups and downs, but nothing that would warrant someone being concerned other than me being upset with my husbands snoring and lack of planning on a birthday
I can, however, imagine that your friend is scared. I’d make sure she knew that you were there, not pry necessarily, but maybe ask questions that show you care… if that makes sense. I say she’s scared because we expect that happily ever after, even though statistics show that many are far from it. And when something that’s supposed to make your life happy doesn’t, scared and confused are the words I think of.
Done rambling
I think we’ve all been on both sides of this; sometimes you want to talk, but it feels as if the floodgates may burst if you admit only one hard feeling. By the same token, sometimes talking makes everything negative float away. thanks for a thought-provoking post.
amber
Welcome! I think the point about the floodgates is a very good one. I think that all of us probably harbor worries that talking about one little thing will lead to the next and the next… I also agree that talking can be so medicinal. Sometimes, just getting the words out there makes the ideas they convey less daunting.
Thank you for stopping by ILI!
Similar to Mad Dog’s comment–this is not something that I have to deal with often.
If it did happen, I would not try to pry, but instead be a good listener whenever the friend was ready to talk.
Aidan: I left this in my email queue all day yesterday and today…pondering it, resonating with it, feeling all kinds of angst, grief, and sadness.
I’ve been the woman on the other side of the fence. How I wish friends had named what they knew/saw so that I did not feel so alone, so isolated, so “crazy” as I processed the demise of my own marriage. After the fact, they had plenty of opinions, comments, and affirmation…which I appreciated…but I needed to hear it more while in the midst.
I get it: it’s hard to name what we see – especially if we’re not certain the other is ready to hear and receive what we say. But these days, I’m all about telling the truth, about living out-loud, about ending the charades. It’s too exhausting. And bottom line? It’s not a life.
The fences need to come down – or at least jumped. We need to have the courage to be the voice our friends often can’t summon; to speak strongly/kindly/gracefully into each other’s lives. Risky? Yes. Easy? No. Important? Absolutely!
i’ve just happened upon your blog and will be returning frequently. thank you for giving a name to those invisable yet almost impenetrable boundaries we draw around unhappiness — ours and that of others. the cautious step over the line is never graceful, even when it is needed. i’m usually thankful for those times when i’ve dared to ask for the unsettling details of a friend’s intuited woes. so why is this still so difficult?