Whom Are You Hurting?
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These days, I don’t read nearly as much as I would like to. But when I do find the time and the motivation to lose myself in a book, it is often one on the art of writing. Why? Because I am rookie and a work-in-progress and eager to improve. Because I am obsessively curious about the experiences and tactics of other writers. Because, in reading good books on craft, I glean tips on writing.
And living.
One of my favorite writing books is Norman Mailer’s The Spooky Art: Thoughts on Writing. I love this book for many reasons, but largely because Mailer wrote it toward the end of his career and of his life. He wrote it looking back. Ultimately, this vantage point lends a compelling critical honesty about life and literary lessons learned. In this book, Mailer writes,
Anyone who worries about whether he is going to hurt somebody’s feelings by his work is no more a writer than a surgeon who says to himself, “In making this incision, I am going to give this woman a scar on her belly that could injure her love life for the next thirty years.” The surgeon just makes the cut. He may be right or wrong in the need for the operation, but he keeps a necessary insensitivity to the rest of the context. Writers also have their own kind of restricted vision. They cannot afford to say to themselves, “This portrait is going to scar my good friend.” Or my father. Or my sister. If they feel such sentiments, they can’t write. Indeed, a great many young writers think of all the people they’re going to hurt or, worse, those they’re going to make enemies of, and, full of funk, begin to brood on the retribution that will ensue. So there has to be something a bit maniacal about a young man or woman who would be an exciting writer. He or she has to be willing to get that book out no matter how many psychic casualties are left in its passage. On the other hand, a good young young writer does well not to take an immediate advantage over people he dislikes by dumping on them in his pages. It’s a bad habit to cash such easy checks. Ergo, the moral vision of the young writer is on a tightrope.
Alas, a dilemma. For me. And maybe for you too?
I want to be an exciting writer. I do. I want to tell stories stuffed with reality. I want to be productive. And yet. I worry – all the time – about the effects my words will have. Who will see themselves in the pages of my novel? Who will be hurt by a particularly raw blog post? Who are the psychic casualties of my creations?
Mailer’s words in the passage above hit me. They also haunt me. Because I do not think I will ever be that insensitive surgeon he conjures, slicing away without pondering the possible scope of psychic scars. I don’t think I will ever achieve that stark level of insensitivity Mailer seems to prescribe. Does this mean I will never be the writer I could be?
Maybe.
Thankfully, even Mailer seems to acknowledge the grays here. It is one thing to write honestly and openly without undue anxiety about harming others. It is another thing to write without filter, dumping the contents of our heads and hearts – however hurtful and harmful – onto that blank page or blank screen.
Alas, Mailer’s tightrope. And the writer’s dilemma. And the blogger’s dilemma.
Wait. It’s not just the writer’s dilemma or the blogger’s dilemma.
This is the person’s dilemma.
How do we make decisions and take actions and live our lives freely and fully without being paralyzed by a fear of harming others, of scarring souls and selves dear (and less dear) to us?
____________________________
- As a writer or blogger (writers are bloggers are writers), do you worry about whom your words might affect?
- Have you ever felt creatively or personally paralyzed by a fear of harming others?
- Do you agree with Mailer that we need to achieve a certain modicum of insensitivity in order to become nuanced and exciting writers (and people)?
- Has anything you have ever written hurt someone you love?
- How do we fashion a balance between creative freedom and interpersonal respect?
- Do you enjoy reading writing books? Any favorites?
Everyone struggles and...
I think about this all the time. I worry most about my parents, and this definitely impacts what I write. Thinking through myself as a mother causes significant reflection on my own childhood, of course. And some of what I think about I don’t feel comfortable writing for fear of hurting their feelings. This is definitely something I struggle with.
Great questions. I am writing the first draft of a memoir via a blog (I like to call it my “blogoir”), and there have been many times that I’ve written about my family and friends and felt sick while waiting for their reaction. One thing that helps me walk this tightrope is to be brutally honest about my own flaws and insecurities. I may not be maniacal about speaking the (often painful) truth, but I’m working on it.
Very interesting topic. This is actually why I don’t have my own blog. I fear that I would constantly focus on the impact of my words on others, to the point of keeping it sort of superficial. I am afraid that I couldn’t be my honest self in a blog without hurting someone’s feelings, and that keeps me from wanting to write (or maybe more accurately, keeps me from wanting to share what I write). I admire those people who can write/blog about anything and not worry about this.
OH, yes. I’m getting bolder, but I definitely worry about hurting someone else. Even if I’m not basing a character off of them – if they were to recognize themselves in something I portray negatively…hell, even if they perceive something to be negative based on the filters through which they receive what I’ve written.
I definitely think those who put it all out there (not maliciously, though) are the better writers. Not those who sensationalize or lambaste others, but those who paint a picture of truth.
It’s hard. For sure.
I think Mailer’s right. As a writer, I need to get it out, honestly, brutally, sometimes without regard to how it will make others feel. Then, after the initial rush of emotional wordsmithing, I have the perspective to ponder the impact of what I’ve written and make the conscious choice to soften or tweak. Both steps are vital in the process, or in my process, at least.
Hmmm. I feel a bit out of my league finding fault with Norman Mailer, but here I go.
I struggle with two aspects of his passage.
1) I think the surgical analogy doesn’t hold up. The surgeon doesn’t consider what psychologically damaging effects the scar will have on the woman because he understands that unless he removes her [gall bladder, appendix, breast, etc] she will die. The scar he leaves is so much less damaging than smooth skin blanketing a body riddled with disease that its toll is rendered moot.
2) Mailer implies that writing, by its very nature is a selfish act. This is true to an extent. But I don’t agree with the extent to which he takes it. Certainly there are selfish components of writing. Many of us write for our own fulfillment – to tell our stories or purge our souls. But that doesn’t necessitate the dragging down of our friends and family, does it? He or she has to be willing to get that book out no matter how many psychic casualties are left in its passage. I infer from this (and the preceding sentences) that unless there are “psychic casualties” then writing is not exciting. Perhaps I am naive, but I find that patently untrue.
I fully respect the risk of damage to loved ones based on our writing. And I agree that the act of navigating and mitigating that risk is akin to walking a tightrope. But Mailer suggests that if you are willing to bottle a story, or passage, or any piece of writing to spare the pain of another person then you are not, at your essence, a writer. And that’s where I jump off. The assertion that one’s art, by definition, will leave a trail of hurt feelings sounds to me like the rationalization of someone whose art has done just that.
I can’t post anything substantive here right now, but just wanted to say that I completely 100% agree with you Gail, and you verbalized many of the same thoughts I had regarding Mailer’s passage. Excellent follow up!
I struggle with this a lot. My writing is about my truth and of course that includes relationships-marriages, friendships, parents, children… When I write about something, I try to place myself in the other’s shoes and think about how I would feel if those words were written about me; it helps me edit. However, if I feel a story would not be complete with out those details, then I simply omit it from public view. It’s tricky, but I think it’s honorable to respect privacy in most cases.
I struggle with this EVERY DAY. I made the mistake of announcing my blog to my relatives and friends, and this lack of anonymity makes me extremely cautious with what I say, and sometimes, I feel like I’m not doing my writing justice when I editorialize my own thoughts, let alone my words. But I can’t help myself.
These people are important to me. And while my craft is too, I can’t hurt its feelings. I can hurt my family. And so, with a heavy heart, I tread carefully.
Me too! My last blog blew up in my face after the *wrong* people read it. I have changed since then by a) watching my judgmental tone, b) using pseudonyms , c)telling less people I know about my blog and ‘marketing’ it to the wider world instead of just my friends and, d) carefully considering my mission as a blogger and the intention of my writing. I think this was a good lesson to learn and despite how difficult it was (and still is one year later) I have to say that it really made me get more focused and honest with myself. I am paying the price in an interesting way (psychologically) as I observe myself becoming more private and less connected to my community. I am serious about my writing, so I’m curious to see how these challenges & changes will continue to roll out!
I believe that it all goes back to intent and motive. A surgeon is not randomly wielding a scalpel or a lancet on a subway platform, cutting strangers at will. He operates in sterile theater, at the behest of his medical board and at the request of his patient.
A good writer knows the audience; a reader is not obligated to indulge an author’s creation. If I sign myself up for an incisive bit of reading, if I am open to new thoughts and ideas, it may require surgical removal of bias, long-held intolerance and ego. No great harm there, as I’ve chosen and scheduled the surgery.
Where the lines become blurred is when the motives and intent become dodgy, shady, and flecked with personal vendetta. If I write a piece that shreds a friend with malicious intent or ignorant playfulness, I have done myself a disservice. I become a scalpel-wielding madwoman on the subway platform, regardless of my vocation.
To me, that is the critical difference.
I think this is a fascinating topic. For us as writers, and as you point out – as individuals.
It is equally critical as partners, parents, friends, colleagues. Our society’s tendency to not filter is both unnecessary and hurtful, I believe.
As with so many things, we must make judgment calls, choose words carefully, and serve our (communication) purpose.
Write raw? Absolutely. Speak honestly? Certainly. But keeping in mind the context.
This is indeed an area of grays and judgment. Exercised constantly, and after awhile, in a way that becomes second nature.
I write whatever I want with the understanding that one day someone might approach me about it. If I can’t discuss it with them then I don’t write it.
Not a perfect solution, but…
I think I have an advantage in this, in writing within fantasy and sci-fi settings; nothing is too close to reality. But if people see (aspects of) themselves in the mirror of my writing, then that just means I’ve done my job.
What Gale said. 110%. Her points are eloquently put, so I won’t reiterate a word. But I definitely agree.
I do worry about hurting someone, and have recently had people take my writing out of context and think that I wrote something about them, when it wasn’t… I’ve been explaining myself after a few posts that I didn’t think needed explanation…. and that’s frustrating.
But the more that happens, the more I realize I just need to write. Someone is going to always take something the wrong way… so I might as well just write and believe in what I put out there.
Not sure if all that rambling makes sense…
Yes, I struggle with this a lot. I have some family members who read and others who sometimes read and I worry that things will be taken out of context and too personally. Today I actually wrote a post that I’m worried will be offensive or taken as insensitive to some of my fellow blog writers and I certainly don’t mean it to be. But it’s on a topic that I’ve been thinking a lot about and so I decided, at the risk of being insensitive, to write about it. I don’t like having to defend myself and my reasons for writing but it’s something I must do to feel comfortable in my words.
Bottom line, we can’t appeal to everyone. We have to write what compels us. What comes from the heart. Because if it doesn’t, chances are, no one will be interested in reading it. And I’ve found as a blogger, that the controversial issues are the ones that are often most interesting.
I worry that my words won’t effect anyone. Both of my blogs are about volunteerism and making a change in the world through small, everydaty, deliberite acts of kindness.
My mom always told me that I should only do what I can live with. Good or bad.
When I write in my journal, it’s specific. It’s an inner catharsis.
When I blog, it’s more general. I rarely use names. I refer to situations and people in an oblique manner. This is cathartic in a different way, perhaps my way of trying to release what’s bothering me.
It’s probably frustrating to my blog readers. I do it more to protect myself. It would be too easy to name names and crimes committed. Unfortunately, that tends to bite one in the ass eventually.
That’s where I am for now…
I wrote a story in 4th grade that parodied the classroom teaching assistant (she was a ghost that came back to the haunt the school). She was apparently devastated and cried when she read it. I got in trouble and had to apologize.
I didn’t write another story for 19 years.
Whenever I get scared, that is what I think of. I don’t ever want 20 years to go by without me writing fiction again.