Lust or Bust? (Can a Marriage Survive Sans Sex?)
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I’m not going to lie. I’m a bit sick of talking about my book. And so. Today I’m taking a day off from my diplomatic begging. Today I’m getting a wee bit wild. Pushing my prudish limits. My homework this morning is sweet and simple: To start a sexy conversation and have fun doing it.
But sex? Why must I write about sex? I do not need to strip down or sell out to please you guys. I can write a squeaky clean, but intriguing post on oodles of interesting and inspiring topics that have nothing at all to do sex. It doesn’t always have to be about sex, right?
Wrong.
When it comes to life, lust is a must. What is the river of existence without a current of deep desire? What is a cosmic fire without that spark? What is romance without a periodic romp? What is partnership without a pulse? What is date night without a squeeze of the knee or a nuzzle on the neck?
Pause. Hold up. Do not get angry yet. I am not saying that life should be all frisky fireworks. I am not saying that a happy life is one long honeymoon. I am not saying that we should perennially prance around in lush lingerie with come-hither eyes. No. Many days are full of Platonic wonders. Of shared chores and frustrations and doubts. Many nights are full of headaches and heartaches and reality television and, yes, even sweatpants.
That is life. That is reality.
But. Sometimes. Every now and then or even more than that, there should be more. Every now and then, love should manifest in longing and trust should give way to lust, right?
Okay. Where ever is this coming from? I’ll tell you where. A friend of mine told me once that her friend – who is seemingly happily married – never ever has sex. Like, never ever ever. I grilled my friend. I told her this couldn’t possibly be true. But my friend assured me that this other girl is pretty open about it. She says she and her husband have barely done the deed since their honeymoon. That they made an exception to their no-sex rule to conceive their child. My friend insists that her friend really doesn’t care. That it’s just not a big deal.
Hmmm.
And so I thought about it. Can a marriage survive without sex? I tend to think no, but what do I know? Maybe, just maybe, the architecture of sound relationships depends on far more than lust? Maybe, just maybe, for some people, for some couples, sex is just not an important part of the existential equation? Could be.
(Doubt it though.)
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- Do you think a marriage can go the distance without lust?
- Do you know anyone who is in a stable and happy relationship but never has sex?
- Do you think that in most relationships, sexual lust gives way to more Platonic trust? Do you think trust and understanding sometimes enhances lust?
- Do you think that infidelity is somehow more excusable when committed in the context of a sexless marriage?
*Check out my recently published interview with the lovely Gretchen Rubin of The Happiness Project fame wherein I talk about happiness and pajama dance parties. I was thrilled to see that this interview was also posted late last week over at Psychology Today. Thanks for giving me an opportunity to answer your thoughtful questions, Gretchen. (And thanks Danielle LaPorte for setting Gretchen and me up on our “blind coffee date”!)
Okay, I lasted all of 523 words. Click to buy my sexy story.
Oy, stories like this are why so many men fear marriage, aren’t they?
I guess each to their own, we all have our own drive or lack thereof. I knew one person who had a longtime girlfriend that he didn’t have sex with, but I think it was an intentional, temporary-in-the-scheme-of-things situation, because he wanted to get out of patterns of being TOO lustful (it might have been a yoga thing too, I didn’t think it polite to ask too many questions…)
Well, I think all the marriage counselors (and me) out there would agree with you – that a healthy, happy and long term romantic relationship needs to also be a sexual one. But the thing is, some people have little to no desire for sex (for a variety of reasons). And if those people are okay with being in a relationship sans sex – and their partner feels the same way! – then who are we to judge what works for them?
A dear friend of mine just had a baby. She is my first close friend to have a baby, so when I saw her this weekend I asked her all those birthing questions you can ask only your closest friends. How much did it really hurt? type questions. When I asked her if she’s still having sex, I almost fell off my chair at the answer. Once in 3.5 months. Now maybe this is normal–again, this is my first true mommy friend. But that seemed awful scary to me. So I’ve been thinking about this question too (though Im sure when the exhaustion of new motherhood fades my friend will get back to It.)
I think a marriage CAN survive without sex, but it soon becomes more of a partnership–roommates, even–rather than an intimate marriage. I think it’s incredibly important to keep the spark alive. Maybe you’re not in the mood, but you need to make yourself do It every once in a while or suddenly you lose the intimacy and all you’re talking about are bills and dishes.
I think there are as many pictures of marital happiness as there are happily married couples. It would be very unusual for a man not to care, I think, but if they mutually don’t care–okay, so be it.
My husband and I have chosen to practice Natural Family Planning because we see something beautiful in following the natural order of things–and because it’s beautiful not to toss hormones and latex into the environment. But that means, in order not to be pregnant all the time, we do have periods of abstinence. A couple weeks, usually. And although this runs counter to the cultural expectation that more=better, we have found that’s not necessarily true. I don’t have a strong desire for sex, but periodic abstinence requires me to think of my hsuband and make an effort in the infertile times. And that is all to the good.
I agree that there are myriad portraits of marital health and happiness. It is the diversity of experiences that makes life interesting. But we can – and should, I think – talk about some of the common questions, the underpinnings of thriving relationships. I think this is such an interesting question, ultimately, because it is something that matters to the vast majority of us, but it is something so many of us have a hard time talking about.
Thank you for chiming in with your thoughtful comment, Kathleen.
I genuinely don’t think a healthy marriage can survive without sex. I say that not to be judgmental, but because I believe marriage involves intimacy on many levels and one of those is sexual.
I think finding balance is key–it can’t be all about lust. If the main focus is getting laid, the foundation isn’t very strong and will break at some point. But if there is no lust, I think the intimacy and excitement that is so very important to a continually blossoming marriage will suffer.
Excellent food for thought; this is a great post!!
Ah, balance. Doesn’t everything seem to come down to this enigmatic B word? The thing that makes this so hard is that I am not sure balance exists. Will we ever reach a point where we feel like the conflicting things in our life are in a perfect homeostasis (is that the word)? I don’t know. But I do agree that we must continue to keep love and lust and real life in whatever balance we can muster.
Thanks for weighing in here!
This is definitely a to-each-his-own scenario; while I can’t fathom a relationship without sex, I know people who do it (or rather, NOT “do it”) and seem just as happy as the rest of us.
I think marriage can survive without sex, but I think that it’s missing something. It’s one of the magical things that makes the relationship special. Something that you only share with each other. It can help mend bad feelings and bring couples closer. At least that’s the way it works in my house.
I tend to agree with you that a marriage without lust is “missing something” but even as I write this, I challenge myself: *Who says?* Where are we getting these culturally-accepted definitions of what a union should look like? Interesting question, I think. Thanks for popping by and adding your voice to the ILI mix!
This is serendipity. I have been thinking about this topic a lot lately. I think it has a lot to do with the reason behind the absence of sex. If it is mutual, then yes. If it is not, or the lack of lust (so I think you hit the nail on the head!), then the marriage is in danger. I am going thru this now and therefore I cannot talk about it without crying and therefore I don’t talk about it.
You certainly have a knack for post titles! I’ll be scanning my reader, just about to get to work but yours always make me stop and come on over.
My experience after almost 17 years of cohabitation and 12 years of marriage is that this ebbs and flows. When my children were babies, we were certainly less likely to have sex and when we both get really busy at work, same thing (partly because so much of our work time happens after the kids go to bed and so it’s often really late). But there’s never been a time when we haven’t fooled around at least a little bit.
Without sounding too much like a health class text book I guess I would also question what this woman defines as “sex.” Because in my experience there is a whole spectrum of activity that allows for intimacy and pleasure without actually, you know, “doing the deed.” (Could I be more coy?) It’s possible that she and her husband are having lots of sexy fun but that she’s just very literal in her definition.
And I know you don’t want to talk about your book, but I wanted you to know that it is sitting on the table in my office. I can’t *wait* to dig in, but first I have to get through the last three Harry Potter books which my 8-year-old is tearing through (I never got around to reading them and so must try in vain to get ahead of him so I can make sure I know what bad things I need to warn him about and what questions I need to be prepared for.)
Hmmmm, I don’t think it can, but with two little ones in the house it often comes darn near close doesn’t it? I think the more intriguing question is how to light the home fires with the new rules that come with motherhood. That I would like to know.
Many marriages are sexless, or nearly. And I don’t mean when the couple is old and gray. It happens frequently following the birth of children. Parents are exhausted. Exhaustion means sleep before sex. Unless you have (or make) opportunities to be alone together – to get a break – you lose the habit.
For many, you do make that effort, and you find ways back to something workable.
As for the other marriages that find themselves sexless (or nearly), due to stress, fatigue, money problems, boredom… some last, and are solid. In some instances, one or both partners take their sexual gratification outside the marriage. Is emotional intimacy compromised? Of course. Can the marriage survive? if both want it to.
Other marriages are sexless, or nearly, and the gulf that grows becomes insurmountable. Eventually, whatever connection was once there is gone. The two may stay together (for kids, for financial reasons, for convenience), but there’s an emptiness. A loneliness that is palpable. Like living inside a blaring silence.
Sex is vital to a thriving relationship, in my opinion. With or without the social convention of marriage. And the lack of sex inside marriage is one of those things that’s rarely discussed, and incredibly common.
This has been a topic that the boys and I have discussed on more than one occasion, or should I say that my friends who are splitting up have mentioned.
When sex disappeared from their marriages they died. I won’t say that it is the only reason, but if you are not intimate with your partner than you are asking for trouble.
What is the point of being married if you are not going to have sex with your husband/wife. Sure there are ebbs and flows to a relationship, but if you lose that you are in trouble.
Every couple is different, but sexual incompatibility is a problem.
this is my story… not really but it is. My marriage lasted 15 years this way. Until the day, 6 months after I gave birth to my son and thought about the shell of a person that I was and the example I was setting.
Marriage, true marriage, cannot exist without the intimacies. Now as I date and look to the future, passion is a requirement. If there is no zing, there will be no ring!
“If there’s no zing, there will be no ring!” I love that. I agree with you. But what is a “true marriage”? Is this a subjective or objective thing? Is it up to the participants in each marriage to define what their relationship is, or is there a bigger societal yardstick against which we measure our own unions?
Thank you for coming by and jumping in, Mimi!
Sexual desire is unique to each person — some people want it all the time, some people don’t want it at all, and most are anywhere in between. Some have a fetish. Some want it missionary. Every time. What *is* important is that the two people in a relationship have compatible sex drives/fantasies/proclivities. And (here’s a bold statement): That’s why nobody should wait to get married before having sex. Sex *is* a very important component of any long-term monogamous (or, I suppose, even polygamous) relationship. The longevity and commitment of that relationship is facilitated by true intimacy, which means, more than anything, an open honest communication about what they want and don’t want in the bedroom (or kitchen counter!) and remaining on the same page about such matters. Certainly couples with very low sexual desire can make their marriages work if they both feel satisfied with how much sex they’re having (that is, in this case, never). The “zing” Mimi is referring to generally disappears with time because it’s caused by the chemical dopamine, which is what your body pumps like crazy when you meet someone new you’re attracted to. However, recent studies about the literal chemistry of sex have shown that dopamine can only pump for a few years before giving way to the bonding chemical oxytocin. Men only release oxytocin (that’s what nursing moms have pumping in spades when they’re breastfeeding) when they’re having sex. No sex, no oxytocin for the dudes, and therefore, more difficulty truly bonding with their partner (whether that’s a man or a woman). So, is it possible for a marriage to subsist on platonic intimacy? Certainly. Is it more difficult? Likely.
Dara – Well, you have officially made me blush, but blushing is not bad. This question of compatibility is fascinating to me. I wonder though if two people fall in love and achieve exquisite emotional intimacy, isn’t it likely that other forms of intimacy will manifest once married? I don’t know, but worth thinking about. Also, the question of actual sexual chemistry is very interesting. Perhaps fodder for a future post if I muster the courage
Thank you for adding your thoughtful words here.
My first marriage fell apart in some part due to the lack of sex. We had become roommates—-later I discovered that my now ex-husband had a bit of fascination with online pictures which is why I was never good enough.
Now, remarried I realize that affection- and yes, sex- still play a large role. Maybe it does not have to always be the one act, but playfullness, affection, hugs…there has to be a desire to be close (at least on most days). If the desire is there, even if there is a dry spell—so be it. But no desire would be a big red flag for me.
The desire to be close. Yes, that’s it. That’s what I am talking about here. Not necessarily the stuff of soap operas, but physical closeness. I believe – and fervently – that this desire, at once simple and profound, should be present in committed romantic relationships. And this desire probably manifests differently for all of us. Thank you for coming up with the perfect words!
I think, sort of like Rebecca, that no answer will be right for everyone. I like lust. It is better when the object of said emotion/feeling is someone that is trusted and respected and that occasionally that lust can be acted on but that is not necessary.
Survive? Maybe. A couple can connect in other ways besides physical assuming they both have a lack of sex drive. I think connecting emotionally and intellectually can form a bond strong enough to stay together. (Sometimes, even money alone can keep people together, at least superficially.)
Thrive? Maybe not. Emotional, intellectual AND physical connecting with a spouse is best, I think. Leaving one or two out, for me at least, would be bad news.
Maybe some people can call themselves “happy” without it, I don’t know. But my experience is that the marital connection suffers (a lot) without at least SOME sex, even if infrequent (like postpartum). I guess there are different kinds of happy, but my happy includes that thing that happens because of sex-the connecting of not just bodies, but souls. In which, even if we’re having trouble communicating and life isn’t allowing for energy toward our relationship, it brings something back to the front. (no pun intended)
This will probably not be articulated the best way, but I am rushing to a meeting and felt compelled to comment.
What about marriages/partnerships where a partner is disabled or in poor health?
I believe that it is possible to have intimacy and a “spark” without sex. There are plenty of other ways to foster intimacy and “sexy” feelings without the act of intercourse.
And yes, I am speaking from personal experience, so I may come across a bit defensive. But this is something I used to feel very guilty about (still do occasionally) – particularly in thinking that my DH is deprived in some way (specially considering the healthy sex life we used to have!).
I do hope one day we can get back there, because I do miss it. But, we have worked to ensure we maintain more than a roommate connection in other ways. So, for me, I need to believe that a lack of sex is not indicative of a failed marriage or that we do not have an intimate connection. I need to and do believe this.
PS
I just recently discovered your BLOG and can’t wait to pick up your book! You are an inspiration.
Micki – I want to thank you for adding this comment and highlighting a nuance of this conversation I overlooked. When penning this post, I was thinking more along the lines of “spark” than “sex.” I realize that every couple is in a different place – mentally and physically – and that there are countless ways to achieve and maintain true intimacy. I guess my ultimate question is whether a relationship without this intimacy, this spice, this spark can thrive and last?
Again, thanks for chiming in. Thrilled you made your way here! I do hope you come back to keep me on my toes
To me, a marriage without sex is just a deep friendship (at best). It is a must, or else why bother getting married in the first place? Sad for your friend’s friend. Of course sex ebbs and flows to some extent in a relationship, but that is far different than *never* having sex. Sad!
Okay – I have erased this comment three times now and started over! Each time with a different opinion. At first I thought, NO WAY! That guys NEED sex and if he’s not gettin’ it at home, then he’s gettin’ it somewhere else.
But now I’m not so sure. Maybe. I think Belinda’s comment above most accurately reflects my (most recent in the past two minutes) line of thought.
But – that’s odd IMO.
I find this comment of yours (the one that did survive prior deletions!) to be very interesting because I found that as I was reading through all of the thoughtful comments here, my mind was shifting. Part of me feels strongly that a marriage should have at its core a hearty dose of lust and part of me thinks that there is no formula for marital health. I think the fact that our minds are malleable – and change – when subjected to these questions and conversations is interesting unto itself. In so many ways, this is why I started ILI and love to maintain it. Because all of us owe it to ourselves to think more deeply about big questions that affect us. Thank you for your comment and for making me think about another layer of all this!
P.S. Several years ago I wrote a post about sexual incompatibility. It is easily among the most highly trafficked on my blog.
This is a very common issue.
But sexual incompatibility isn’t necessarily permanent. Love is a choice, and if people choose to love each other, they will look for ways to find each other on this issue, as on all others. That’s the essential weakness in an earlier comment which advocated premarital sex for the sake of “compatibility.” Those things are *going* to change as the people involved change. No matter how compatible two people are at one point in their lives, they’ll be at different points sooner or later, and at that point, they have to move toward each other.
Define ‘sex’…
Does a healthy marriage require some form of physical intimacy / closeness / affection beyond what you would expect of a “just friends” relationship? Probably.
But if by ‘sex’ you mean ‘intercourse’ then I would say self-evidently not: plenty of couples are medically incapable of having sex (whether permanently, or for some specific period) and still manage to have a happy and fulfilling relationship. And that’s without even mentioning the asexual portion of the population.
I’d say that this is one of those areas where it’s simply impossible to make generalisations.
Katheen-
You’re right. Sexual incompatibility isn’t permanent, and lord knows life throws a lot at us and much of it gets in physical and emotional way of our sex lives. In a marriage, the participants fall in and out of love throughout their hopefully long lives, and that takes work. But I do believe sexual wiring is what you’re born with — gay/straight, high libido/low libido, fetishist/non-fetishist. If you get married and find you are on polar ends of the spectrum, no amount of change is going to fix that problem (save, potentially, drugs for a low libido). I’m not saying you have to both be into leather and want to “do it” precisely 3.5 times a week, but you do have to be somewhere near each other on the libido spectrum, because no amount of “mov[ing] toward each other” will help if you’re simply wired differently. And realizing that once there are legal papers and/or children involved is a big ball of messy.
And by the way, I should explain that my definition of sex is a bit loose. I don’t believe couples need to have intercourse before tying the knot, but I do believe it’s advisable they are on the same page about what-and-how-much/often feels good before their relationship is permanent, and that means potentially attempting a whole bunch of activities that aren’t defined as intercourse.
First, before I comment, I should add the caveat that I’m not married yet, so this is a bit out of the realm of what I can personally comment on. However, I just wanted to point out a couple things. First, about 1% is asexual, meaning lacking a sex drive or interest/enjoyment in sex. While obviously, there may be medical, pharmaceutical, or psychological reasons for some cases, for some people, they just have a very low-to-non-existent sex drive, and see this as a part of their identity, rather than an abnormality to be fixed. Nonetheless, some people that are asexual still do want to have relationships or life partners. So for two partners that are asexual, I can see getting married and having that bond without sex (although I imagine they would require some form of intimacy or connection in other ways to sustain it).
A second point is in response to a comment above about oxytocin: while sex is probably one of the primary ways in which males release oxytocin, it’s not the only way. Overall, men have lower levels of oyxtocin and receptors in general, they still release oxytocin in many of the same contexts that women do, but to a lower extent. So just because a man isn’t having sex in a relationship does not mean there is no hormonal reinforcement of bonding.
And finally as an aside, I just wanted to let you know that I ordered your book, and of the books I’m bringing down to Costa Rica for 15 months of dissertation research, it’s in the top 3 that I want to read first (I might even start it on the plane next week!).
Okay I just started reading your blog 2 weeks ago & now I am commenting about sex of all things right off the bat. I suppose if a marriage sans sex works for that couple, that’s fine. But I would also not hesitate to say, it is not a marriage I’d like to be in. Sex, while wildly exaggerated & overly used in the media, is a vital portion to what I would consider a ‘happy’ marriage. To me, it is the glue that holds my husband and I together.
I’d be very curious to see how close/different the men’s responses are to this question. I can speak for myself and several friends, but I wonder.
I have spoken about it since this post first ran and we are all in agreement. A marriage without sex isn’t going to last, unless there is some sort of disability that prevents it from taking place.
Well, I haven’t read all the previous comments (have read a few), and I am not yet married. But I would say, who cares if it CAN survive without sex, if that’s not what you want? I certainly know I would not do well at all in a marriage devoid of lust or sex. And I think the idea that women are more likely to be happy without sex than men is a really unfortunate one (you didn’t say this but some of the comments have). That may be statistically accurate, but if it is, I believe those statistics are caused by societal and cultural perversions of sexuality and sensuality, particularly for women. In other words, I believe that women are innately just as sexual and sensual as men. We’ve just been conditioned more to repress for various reasons. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
That’s my two cents! And I look forward to reading the other comments when it’s not after midnight
Not getting enough is only a problem for the partner who isn’t getting enough. It’s hard to not feel a great sense of loss. I’d be in a true tailspin were I to believe a marriage devoid of lust won’t last since my marriage is my number one treasure.
*large exhale* a heavy topic indeed. I would have liked to have seen more men chime in. I have a friend who happens to be a single male who is very afraid after listening to his friends complain about the lack of sex in their marriages. I believe that men in particular equate intimacy with sex and women seek intimacy through talk. So denying my husband sex would be like him refusing to speak to me, essentially. That said, I don’t feel in the position to judge anyone else, I know only what works for us
Great advice you’re speaking about it so everyone else will know! Will use for sure. Also, what I finally figured out is, you got to bring about the situation that first attracted you both and also avoid a ton of mistakes we all do at first if you want to save the marriage
Well I have a story for all of you.
I was a 36 year old male at the time dating a 22 year old female. I had strong feelings for her but lacked lust and desire. We dated 7-8 months and had sex only 3 times due to me not feeling that attraction. The last four months we didn’t have sex at all and in total I only experienced one orgasm. I thought this wasn’t right so I pushed her away and she left. I missed her terribly and realized I loved her soo deeply on a emotional level. She didn’t speak with me for 6 months. I was non-functioning due to heartbreaking depression like I had never experienced before. After 6 months we got back together and she confessed she slept with a man during our break. I was mortified. My depression due to that issue left me just about bedridden and she stayed a little over 4 months and then left again. I became suicidal and checked into a hospital. She had no contact with me for 9 months then we got back together again. We spent the last year and a half together in a long distance relationship. Whenever we would see each other we would be intimate, however she never could get over being pushed away over 3.5 years ago. She has resentment towards how I treated her then and how I made her feel unattractive. She told me things would never be the same and she would never treat me as she used to. As time went on she really was never the same and then one month ago she broke up with me again. I never had lust for this woman, but I love her with all my heart. I know for a fact love can exist even where lust does not. Once you totally fall for someone you want to be close and intimate with them and cherish every aspect of their body. I had several beautiful girlfriends before her where I had lust and love and can honestly say it was no different. It was hard for me to understand I loved her without that phyiscal attraction, but once I did realize that it changed everything. I learned to just adore and cherish everything about her and ,in a strange way, since lust wasn’t involved at all it seemed so much more real. I felt like I really loved someone truly for who they are.
Currently, I have lost everything and struggling with losing her again for the 3rd time in 3 years, but I will say yes you can love someone even without the lust.
I am in a sexless marriage and I am miserable. My husband sleeps in a separate area of the house, NEVER touches me and goes days without talking to me. Yet when I have tried to leave him he falls completely apart. He says he has to die before me because he couldn’t live without me. It is very seriously dysfunctional. I have one more child at home who is his stepchild and he is wonderful with him. My son loves him and thinks of him as his father. So I stay for my child’s sake. I have convinced myself that it would be the same as having a roommate and I would not get into a relationship until my son is out of the house anyway. My husband always talks about how he can’t wait until my last child is gone so… We can live like this? The thought makes me sick to my stomach! I am terrified for my last kid to leave and I have considered having an affair. I can’t tell you all what it is like, he even eats downstairs when he is home. No, I don’t believe a healthy marriage can sustain no sex ( oh he comes upstairs once every three months spends about 20 minutes in my bedroom and then leaves). It is the worst thing ever for those of you that REALLY want to know from someone that lives it. Horrible. Enough to drive you crazy.
I would like to add one thing for those of you who are wondering there WAS attraction and lust when we met. 13 years later I am stll physically very fit and youthful looking and have had passes made at me by gorgeous men since which I have turned down. My husband has let himself go and gained a lot of weight and I have NEVER drawn attention to those things or made him feel bad.