Mean People
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Over the past year or so, I’ve had the privilege of speaking with some published authors and seasoned publicists and agents and editors about what to expect. I’ve cornered them and asked them for sage advice on how to handle the publication process, how to do it right, how to survive it gracefully. And I know there is no right here and there might be no graceful either, but still I ask. Because I am awash in fear and ignorance and rookie bliss and there seems to be some agency in asking.
And all of them, all of them, have warned me about one thing: The-Terribly-Mean-and-often-Anonymous Review. All of them have said that for whatever reason, people from our past come out of the existential woodwork with their pointed fingers and rants and biting words. Apparently, getting this review (or a bevy of them) is something of a rite of passage.
Joy.
Here’s the thing. I know I will read less-than-stellar reviews of my work. This makes sense. What makes life interesting is that we do not all have the same tastes. And I know myself. It will be hard to read critical words because, frankly, I am a bit of a baby when it comes to these things. But. That’s not really what I’m talking about. I’m talking about personal attacks. Apparently, and this is all rumor friends, authors are often disparaged as people once they come out with a book.
(Me no likey this concept.)
So. I’ve added this to the list of things to fear as I head into my publication week. And I’ve been thinking about this. Last week, friend and bestselling author Allison Winn Scotch (whose third book debuts on June 1!) wrote a fascinating blog post on this topic entitled In Defense of the Writer. Allison writes about how she, thanks to a Google Alert, recently happened upon a particularly eviscerating review, a review that attacked not just her work, but her personally. Allison writes about the dilemma of whether the author should be able to defend herself in such situations,
But this got me thinking: in the day and age in which anyone can post anything about you or your books, at what point are writers allowed to speak up? In general, the rule has always been – under no circumstance. Keep your mouth shut. You’ll end up on Gawker, looking like a fool. But I’m starting to rethink that. Not that the correct tactic is hysterically calling out a New York Times (or whatever media outlet) reporter because he or she didn’t like your book, but yes, aren’t we entitled to a little bit of defense of ourselves? When something crosses the line? Or is the price we pay for being published authors (and I’m asking this seriously) that we have to sit back and accept whatever comes our way?
… It’s interesting how much this is bothering me, this concept that there’s a wall between writers and readers, and yet it’s a one-sided wall at that. Again, it’s not the lousy review that I have a problem with, it’s public disparagement. At what point is the writer allowed to speak up? Always? Never? Sometimes but with the risk that you’ll look petty and/or foolish? Is it really petty to be able to want to defend yourself in the public arena? As I said, I’m starting to think that the answer can be no.
I read this blog post and started nodding. I felt my academic blood boil (in a good buzzy way) like it did during college seminars. There is an ethical question here! I pronounced to myself. And I sat there not knowing what to think. When, if ever, is it okay for us to speak up and defend ourselves? The truth is that Allison’s question here is not just relevant to authors. It is relevant to all of us. Particularly in this modern age.
Like it or not (and I do like it more than I don’t but let’s wait and see if I feel the same way next week), we live in a bizarre world where snarkiness and anonymity have come to reign, where people can pop online and say anything. And we all know that these mean worlds are almost always about the insecurities and unhappiness of those who utter them. But. The words are there nonetheless. They are permanently there. For all to read. What do we do about this? Throw up our arms? Deem this just an unfortunate aspect of our digital evolution?
I don’t know.
I can’t remember too many mean things that have been said about me during my life. I do remember a boy in my fifth grade class who said, “You’d be really hot if you weren’t so pale.” That wasn’t awesome. And there have been a smattering of anonymous blog comments that have stung. But really not too many. So, ultimately, I am ill-prepared for the meanies who might emerge in the next few months.
Or maybe they won’t emerge? A little optimism never hurts, right?
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- How have you handled mean people and mean words in your life?
- Do you think that the possibility of anonymity brings out the worst in people?
- Why do you think people say such disparaging things about people? Do you think this behavior is rooted in insecurity?
- Do you think that authors, by choosing to publish, are tacitly agreeing to public scrutiny in whatever form it takes?
- Have you gotten personally disparaging comments on your blog? Have you published them? Have you responded to them?
- How do you handle it when people say mean things about your kids or family?
ILI DAILY CHARM: TIME IS SCOTCH-TAPE FOR THE SOUL
My friend Anisha Lakhani (author of Schooled) wrote a post yesterday on her fabulous new blog Back to A. Anisha’s words are incredibly generous and meaningful to me. Click to read them now. Thanks so much, Anisha! Can’t wait to see you at Borders next Thursday!
I am not going to stop begging now. We are five days out! Please pre-order my book. (Currently #9,708 on Amazon thanks to your clicky efforts!) And while you are at it, pre-order Allison Winn Scotch’s latest The One That I Want. And if you feel like emailing everyone you have ever met in your entire life about my debut novel, I will be your best friend. (Seriously, bcc me and I will add you to my Best Friends List. And then I will figure out what to do with that list. Just know it will be good.) One more thing and then I will end this self-promotional madness… If you would like to help me get the word out about LAY on your own site by doing a Q & A, contact me! Enough, Aidan. Bye bye. (For now!)
Everyone struggles and...
I hadn’t really considered the fact that critics can end up attacking not just the writing, but the writer, until I read a particularly scathing critique of Julie Powell when Julie and Julia came out. In fact, there was a LOT of nastiness directed at Powell, from many sources. I felt really sorry for her and angry on her behalf.
I hope that won’t happen to you. It shouldn’t. I don’t think it will.
But if it does, what are you going to do? I think I’d be hard-pressed to know what course of action, if any, to take.
I do not write in the same manner that you do but I have a Google alert set for my name. Not much action on it which makes me happy. It is hard to ignore personal attacks but they will, unfortunately, come. The worst part is that they tend to be anonymous because people know that the attacks are unfair.
Have a glass of wine or cup of coffee or tea and ignore the attacks.
If you think the critiques of Julie Powell were bad for Julie and Julia, read some of the ones for her new book!! Some very personal attacks, which are very disheartining to me.
I tend to ignore mean people and then cut them out of my life. I live in a small enough “city” where everyone knows everyone else (or it seems that way at least) and there is a bit of gossiping and digging at others in the group of young people that live here. I ignore it and cut the offenders out of my life. Now clearly, this a brazillion times easier for me because no one (to the best of my knowledge) is spewing venom about me online and I am most certainly not someone who is known by the general public. I have tried my best to cut negativity out of my life — it means I have less people in my life, but that’s okay. The cream rises to the top.
I absolutely think the anonymity of the internet brings out the worst in people. I can hardly believe what some anonymous commenters say online. It’s crazy! There is no way that most of these people would ever repeat what they type to someone’s face. It’s disgusting. And a poor reflection of society I think.
I also absolutely think this behavior is rooted in insecurity. I know, because I was a mean girl. I wasn’t uber popular, but a long time ago, when I was a much less pleasant person, I put everyone down around me to make myself feel better. I said mean and nasty things to people, and thankfully, I have grown and have stopped doing that. I was not a fun person, by any stretch of the imagination.
I do not believe that anyone who professionally puts themselves in the public sphere should have to accept personal attacks as part of the job. Will they happen, yes. But should it be acceptable? No. I am on the fence about fighting back though — I can see how it would make an author (or whomever) feel better, but I’m not sure if it would accomplish anything. I generally think that those people who are attacking are not going to see your side regardless of what you say, so it’s almost better to save your energy for the people who actually care.
oh aidan… we’ve discussed this at a time when i needed a trusted sounding board and you were there for me.
THIS IS HARD.
there are a TON of “mean people” out there, some who seem to relish in knowing they are hurting, or trying to hurt a writer, their work or both… and yes, 9 times out of 10 they are anonymous. god forbid anyone actually own their words and say them with their email address and/or blog link attached to their comment or review.
you have a fantastic support system, aidan. family, friends and readers alike. people who truly care about you as a writer and as an individual… as a mother, a woman, a voice.
stand by your words, by your work… and know that so many of us are standing with you.
xoxo.
I do believe anonymity can bring out the worst in some of us and I do believe it’s rooted in insecurity and fear. After all, it’s easy to sling arrows when no one has any idea where they’re coming from.
I’ve noticed the authors who seem to be attacked the most are those who offer strong opinions OR those who have a strong persona; unfortunately, that’s human nature, not necessarily a condition of our digital world.
Are authors tacitly agreeing to public scrutiny? Sure. But when did scrutiny turn into a lack of basic decency and manners? When did scrutiny of the work turn into a license for personal review?
Having been the subject of a few doozies myself, I know what it’s like to have my personal character called into question simply because I voiced a professional opinion (albeit respectfully). It’s confusing, hurtful, and downright uncomfortable. But choosing not to engage when the attacker’s line of defense is anonymity is probably the best strategy. Not the easiest. But probably the best. After all, meanies find their power is trying to take it from you. Don’t give it to them.
Interesting. I’ve been working on a piece about mean people, but just generally mean people, though. It’s the same concern, I think, though yours becomes so public because of your book.
I won’t have met you until your book signing next week, but I feel like I know you already. I’m at a loss as to what might mean things could possibly be said about you personally, but, frankly, lately I have faith in the creepiness of my fellow man (isn’t that so sad?), and suggest that you be prepared to gloss right over some petty shit.
And that boy was kicking himself by the time you were in 7th grade! Dope.
Yes…the anonymity of the internet definitely makes people act in some of the worst ways. But isn’t it just often because of their own insecurities and jealousy? People who get their jollies from making others feel bad are small-minded and living a miserable existence. You’re the one with the published book–not them :p
Aidan, I cannot imagine anyone saying anything mean about you. I don’t know you personally but I treasure your blog!! I agree with all of the comments above about anonymous feedback. Has anyone heard of “formspring”? I have two younger sisters who love the website (it’s sort of a social networking site) and folks can ask questions anonymously. I think it could be devastating (in fact a couple of teens have committed suicide after receiving some harsh questions on the site). In any event, it would have devasated me in seventh grade when the boys were teasing me about my hair (thank god for laser hair removal!) and body type (think booty!). In any event, I’ve gone on far longer than I wanted to but just wanted to show my support and hope you know we’re all rooting for you book (yes I pre ordered!!) and you.
…just ordered my copy. So happy for you!
A few envious or petty comments seem a small price to pay for the joy of holding your own lovely completed creation in your hands. What an accomplishment!
I would be reveling in excitement if I were you.
Enjoy!
Why do we hold the mean words and negative vibes so close to our hearts yet so easily dismiss the mountains of good words that come our way?
I’m still smarting over being told I am bossy by two vacation playmates in 1990.
…maybe they have a book out that I can review… hee hee hee
I suppose any writer who publishes her words for all to read must develop a thick skin because the criticisms will roll in. That writer must be confident in herself and her words to deflect the pain and anger those words might contain.
HOWEVER. Personal attacks do cross the line. It’s well within bounds to suggest that a plot is faulty, that characters are underdeveloped, and even that an author’s naivete is reflected in her content. It’s out of bounds to suggest that she is a bad or unscrupulous or lazy or immoral or anything else.
I have gotten mean emails — never comments — about my blog content. It’s hurtful and often curbs my desire to share too much, but I am always thankful that these attacks come to me directly and are not shared across the web.
I don’t know how I would respond to something as nasty as that. Likely I’d lose a bit of dignity and grace in the beginning, but hopefully the support I’d receive from those who know and love me would pull me away from that path.
Aidan,
What can I add to the smart comments preceding mine? Lots of support and encouragement for you. Mean people are insecure and fearful although they think they’re full of power. They’re full of something else. Sometimes mean people need to be reached out to, aometimes they need to be ignored. Sometimes it’s tricky to know which to do.
Last summer I encountered a mean person at the local swimming pool. (And one day I will blog the full story since it doesn’t hurt so much to think of it now.) The mean person essentially made fun of my child (who has special needs, but not physically so it’s hard to tell). The scene was controlled but my blood was boiling. The power of a few words. The turning point was a nice person whose positive comments redirected my attention. He said just a few things and changed my day. Again, the power of a few words.
I said a prayer for both people that day.
Focus on the goodness of people. Mean hurts, hurts badly. But it cannot win.
I’ve read your blog everyday but haven’t commented in some time. My life took a crazy but good turn and I am living in the moment (but missing my writing sooo much.) Regarding your paper baby- reviews good or bad, sales, etc….do not let these things tarnish what you have already accomplished. Let what you have done in completing your first book stand alone as an amazing accomplishment. Years from now, it will matter most to you and no one else.
If I lived anywhere near NYC I would be at your book signing!!! I haven’t preorderd because I want the thrill of going to the bookstore and saying to the person in line next to me, “A lady I know wrote this, she is a great writer.”
The more popular you get the more I would suggest NOT having a Google Alert on your name. As fun and nice as it is to see the good stuff, there really is no point in seeing everything else. And if you are only interesting in the good things to link over to, I suggest you just wait until a helpful reader points out when and where they spot something nice about you. You’ll end up obsessed with who is saying what about you on the net…it’s just no good.
It will help that you are writing fiction (a somewhat dying genre from fresh, new female writers). I adore Curtis Sittenfeld. I’m excited to read your work. Zadie Smith and I have a love/hate relationship, but I buy everything she writes. I absolutely die over all things Emily Giffin. And this isn’t really the genre I’m talking about, but who doesn’t love a good Sookie Stackhouse novel or 12? Am I right?
But as a late twenty-something who is trying hard to write herself, I find it interesting that a lot of my generation tends to talk about themselves, which can bring on personal attacks because the subject matter is…well, the person. Enter the Julie Powells, the Jennifer Lancasters, the Stephanie Kleins, the Emily Goulds, the Sloane Crosleys, etc. I’ll admit to having read and enjoyed at least snippet’s (and in most cases, entire books-specifically Crosley’s first essay book) of each of these women’s works, but as I see more and more and more about me, me, me I wonder if we have lost our ability to write about outside experiences, from other voices that may come across as more, hmmm, genuine and less self indulgent. Does one person really need 8 memoirs? I mean, unless that one person is Nelson Mandela.
And I admit, I am sure there are plenty of female authors (new or otherwise) out there that I just am not coming across (or avoiding on purpose so as to not inadvertently absorb something) who are fabulous. And that is a failure on my part and in part on an industry that seems only promote people they feel will be a sure-fire hit instead of taking chances on people less conspicuous.
It gets hard when you want to criticize a story, not to criticize the person, when the story is the person. I don’t think you will receive a particularly large share of this kind of hate because, again, your subject matter is fiction, and although you blog about your life and your relationships and family, you have set up a particularly effective ‘no-cross’ line. You are personal enough to be relatable, but general enough to let us know that there are certain aspects, certain things, certain people that will not be exploited, either by you or by your readers.
This is a difficult topic. It’s a difficult line to straddle, but I think you’ll be okay.
Hello! Thank you so much for the http://www.BacktoA.com shout out – I meant every word I said! And I absolutely loved this post. . . you’re going to get a lot of amazing reviews, some l lukewarm ones, and then some scathing ones – - although maybe not. Here’s what I learned when Schooled came out – - bottom line whenever you put something of yourself out there – especially now, with the internet acting as the ultimate Harry Potter’s invisible cloak – you’re going to read things you like and you’re going to read things you don’t like. It’s all good – if you like what you write and you stand by it, then feel great about yourself.
I will admit – uncomfortably so – that occasionally a scathing review did have a valid point. Not all, haha, but some did make a point and I grudging accepted and moved on. Some were just mean. And some of the good ones may have been too good – I did not think I was deserving of those, either.
But literature, like art, is something the brave ones decide to share, and when the world speaks, the response is rarely collective. But if you spark a discourse, that in and of itself is the ultimate glowing review.
At the end of the day, the only really biting review is silence.
You rock, Donnelley! xoxoAnisha
There are mean people, yes. It mystifies me but they exist. I hope that none of them choose to attack you, but of course, you can never predict. I would say you have every right to defend yourself if you choose to – but there’s often no need. Words rooted in hatred are usually easy for the reader to spot.
Many years ago I received comments and emails from a woman who said that she was going to have my kids removed from my home.
She was angry because of a political post I wrote and decided that the best way to respond was to attack me.
On a different occasion I was lampooned on several blogs via posts and cartoons. It was just an attempt to make me feel badly about myself.
I didn’t take any of it very seriously because those people are insignificant and meaningless to me. At times it was irritating, but not much more than that.
They were so angry/frustrated that they had to write nasty things about me. So I decided that what it really meant was that I owned real estate inside their heads and that removed the irritation.
Anyway, bad reviews may come. It is your choice to give them the power to bother you or not.
I wish I had some sort of profound advice or wisdom to offer, but all I could find (plus cracker crumbs) is this: keep in mind that the vast majority of meanies haven’t written anything worth publishing. They’re possibly jealous, definitely spiteful and have wayyy too much time on their hands… which could be interpreted many ways, none of them flattering.
Inhale all of the good reviews, thoughtful comments and caring words… and determine to *breathe* through the difficult things as they come.
It’s all anyone can do.
Um, if anyone attacks you, I’ll kick his or her ass.
Problem solved!
I do think that insecurity drives alot of the meanness. To be honest, when I catch myself thinking vicious and mean thoughts about someone, I know it is because I feel threatened somehow. These thoughts are always at other women, not men, because I don’t feel threatened by men. I would never actually deliver on my feelings but with anonymity, alot of people would. My husband’s belief is that if you get mean comments, it means you’ve gotten somewhere – you are important or great enough to have gotten that rise out of someone! Ugly, I know, but just try to keep in mind that it’s not you and otherwise surround yourself with friends and supporters – there will be many more of those
Congratulations on your book! I just found your blog and love your writing and the premise of your blog. I’m an insecure Ivy Leaguer too
mean people suck.
However, I feel like you should write what you want, without fear of being judged. You definately shouldn’t let the fear have any part of your decision. Of course I don’t have a book. But I know I have more respect for people who put it all out there.
I think it’s very scary that people don’t think about the repercussions of their words in the world and the damage they can do. I mean, I understand that reviewers sometimes will not like a book or will disagree on a writer, but cheap shots? Criticism that attempts to strike to the soul? No.
Since I’ve entered the Internet with my writing I’ve been pretty paranoid about this, not reviewing books on my blog, etc. Especially since I’ve written one, I know how unbelievably hard it is to write and hold it together and how awful the self-criticism is. I just could never willingly heap that on another writer.
At the risk of oversimplifying your thought-provoking post, I will offer this advice: Just keep swimming. (I know, I know, it’s from a Disney movie about clown fish … but I think it’s relevant.) The tide is flowing in your favor. Keep following it. The naysayers will be swept away as your hard work propels you forward. Just keep swimming. (And maybe put on a favorite Disney movie and snuggle with your girls if things do get a little rough.) =>
I have no grand plans for helping you survive the critiques that probably are inevitable given human nature, nor am I answering any of the posited questions. I would just like to show my vote of support.
I follow your blog, I never comment, but when life gets a little nuts with Little Miss K and The Dude, I often think, “WWAW (What Would Aidan Write.” And really, that’s power.
Much luck with the book and may the words written about you and it have more grace than grit.
mean people suck. that is all. often it’s best (even for us non authors) to let them go without a second thought. they are not worth the energy or the free rent space they take up in our heads.
i hope that the meanness after your book is out is the barest of bare minimums!!!