Pondering Baby #3
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May 18th, 2010 was a really big day for me. Yes, because Life After Yes was published. But it was also quite monumental for another reason: It was the day on which I allowed myself to start thinking about babies again.
And boy did I start.
For those of you who are new to ILI, let me give you some quick background. I love babies. I want a billion of them. Okay, actually four. Husband is open to the idea of three. What’s important to know is that I have two babies. And I want more. I told myself that I wasn’t even allowed to think of thinking about Baby #3 until my book was born. Because, yes, publishing a book was in so many ways like giving birth. There was the wild anticipation and build-up. There was the due date. There are the postpublication hormones ravaging my system. There might even be a touch of PPD (postpublication depression). The point is that it made sense to wait. And, like a good girl, I did.
But now.
The topic is on that proverbial table. Husband and I are having the conversation. The hard one. The really hard one. The one about timing, mostly. Is now really the right time to grow our brood? Our girls are young and we already have a tough time shrouding them with what we deem to be adequate attention and affection. The chaos quotient in our lives is rather high. We are about to move into a new home. The economy is misbehaving. Husband and I both have career ambitions. Does it make sense to wait a bit until things settle? Do things ever settle? Isn’t it best to pop ‘em out while I am still young?
I don’t know.
What’s amazed me is how the conversation has veered. How the question has changed. Husband and I have talked – and seriously – about whether it makes sense to add to our family at all. We already have two healthy and happy girls. We love them fiercely and have so much fun with them. Will adding another sister (I assume it would be a girl) potentially entail a problematic fracturing of our parental focus? Do we have infinite love to give and spread around or is this a crock? Will adding another creature to our ecosystem threaten its harmony?
I’m so confused.
Anyway, this is my dilemma du jour. And it’s a big one. And I know this is all a matter of personal choice. I know that this is our decision to make. That there is no one right way to approach these things. But. As long as this is a conversation on our family table, I wanted to bring it here to my bloggy table. Because I know you guys have experiences and ideas and insights. Even if you are not all parents, you are all products of parents. Parents who presumably once had this conversation about how many kids to have and when to have them.
So. Spill it. What are your thoughts on all of this? Have you faced a similar dilemma? How many kids do you have or want (if you do want kids in the first place)? Do you think there are more or less ideal spacing and structuring schemes for families? How have you enjoyed the spacing and structuring in your family of origin and your family now? Have you moved away or toward the way your parents did things? Ultimately, is this question, like that of how integral lust is to a successful marriage, something that is purely idiosyncratic and defies generalization?
(Help.)
I wish I had any easy answers: for you and for me. Like you, I have two kids. And, again like you, I want more. What I’ve decided is that there’s no such thing as ideal timing. There are so many variables in fertility and pregnancy and new life and, even with the best laid plans (and I’m a planner, oh, how I am a planner!), there are no guarantees. I think this just might be one of those situations where you take a leap – of faith, of love, of hope. As long as you and Husband are on the same page, you just take a leap.
“A leap.” So interesting because every time Husband and I talk about this dilemma, we end by saying that it’s all about taking a leap and just trusting that it will work out. Fascinating that this language of leaping transcends geographical and situational bounds. Perhaps fodder for its own post. (Good to know I’m not the only one having this dilemma.)
Obviously only you know what’s best for you, but I’ll throw my two cents out there — I think it’s obvious, from reading your blog for a while, that growing up in a big family has shaped who you are. I’m not sure if your husband is from a similar family or a smaller one, but isn’t that part of who you are something you’d like to pass along to your own kids? Give them the same experience since it seems to have been so positive for you?
People I know who’ve had a bunch of kids tell me that with one, it seems like it’s taken over your life, two multiplies the difficulty of it, but with a third you’re sort of already in the swing of things so it’s not that much harder than with two. And while you guys might be busy with your careers, at least your kids will always have a lot of people around at home, so there’s always someone to give them attention, even if sometimes it’s another sibling taking on the role. With only one sibling it can be trickier, either you get along with them and can really talk to them, or not.
I grew up with one brother who I think always resented my existence, ruining his only-child-Eden, so I always felt kind of lonely growing up and wish I had had a larger family. I want four kids as well! (uh, someday)
I’d just like to have one. But I never will. I’m envious of people who can even contemplate the possibility of another when I am unable to even have one.
Bells, thank you for keeping this real. For reminding me that my dilemma – however hard it is – is another privileged problem. After having a miscarriage before my first child, I do not take my fertility for granted and I do feel so unbelievably lucky to be able to even contemplate an addition to our family. I sincerely hope that my words today do not strike you as insensitive. I was merely trying to voice my own confusion and collect some thoughts from all of you. Again, thank you for weighing in with your important perspective.
that’s ok. your reality is yours, not mine. But it does seem amazing to me that it’s possible to be in such control of your fertility to be able to even choose. I can’t even imagine really what that’s like when that door is, after losses, closed to me. Go ahead. Have another, make up for those of us who can’t have any.
My darling husband wants 4 or more children, I am not so sure I am on board with that. It would be years before we could afford a 4th, and I kind of want to get on with my life, not to mention the 3rd is still in utero!
I don’t think there is ever a “right” time to have a baby. But once you are growing that baby it will seem completely right!
I still say you are pregnant before I have this one…you have 3 months!
Is it odd that I am insanely envious that your hubby is game for four or more??? I can’t believe you only have three more months! Guess my clock is really ticking
The final decision is yours and Husband’s alone. I am with Kristen, there is no perfect timing. I set an upper age – not having anymore kids past age 35 (I have one set of multiples and the chance for more multiplies greatly at 35). I had my last at 33.
There is never a good time to be having babies. The flip side of that, is that there is never one time that’s worse than another for having babies. I was pregnant with my second (in my first trimester, which meant much puking and general wishing-to-die-ness) when we found out my husband was getting transferred to another city, another state, and we had three weeks to pack up our entire life and move. And our first child had just turned one. And it was days before Thanksgiving.
We survived, and we’ve been living in happy (and, admittedly, sometimes not-so-happy) chaos ever since. It all works out.
I agree that there is never a “right time.” But my question is whether there are indeed better and worse times? I know there will always be a modicum of chaos and uncertainty to grapple with, but I wonder whether there are more ideal moments at which to contemplate these things? I do like hearing that your less-than-ideal timing worked out quite well
Thanks for chiming in!
I have three teenage daughters. When we decided to try for number two, we got two and three as a package deal. Had I known THEN what I know NOW, I would not have closed the door at three. Three unbalances everything. It means someone is usually odd-man-out when the children pair up and gang up on each other (yes, this sibling rivalry is normal even with girls). It makes family vacations difficult when they are all old enough to need their own bed because most “family” vacations are based on the number 4 (which you currently have). It means on rides that seat two, someone ends up going alone or with a stranger – or (as is most often the case) Mom sits out so no kid has to ride alone or with a stranger. I wish now that once two and three came along, I had tried for a fourth. Don’t take this wrong – I love my family and wouldn’t trade them in for anything. But this is reality – the dynamics when parents are out-numbered by kids and the kids can’t be paired up – it IS something you have to contend with for a long time.
I was going to say the same thing – I have a friend who has three girls and says three is really hard. Two are always picking on a third and one is always crying from being left out. But, maybe your third would be a boy which changes it a bit I think! Then it is more boys v girls so everyone has a “team” in the family. I always thought I wanted three but seeing her girls in action really made me pause!
That aside, if you wait to get pregnant so that baby would be in preschool when you have #3 I think that makes a difference, chaos-wise and personal-attention-to-the-new-baby-wise. We’re planning to start trying for our second so that our first will be in preschool by the time he or she comes along. That way I’ll have private time with the new baby and our first will be potty-trained and able to speak and share her feelings, etc.
Whatever you decide to do will end up being the right decision – you’ll love your family and it will be beautiful no matter how big or relatively small it ends up.
I have to say that I have heard this a lot about three kids. And it worries me a tiny bit because if things go as we hope and envision they do, we will probably end up with three. I do realize though that there are no universals here and that there are many, many families out there that are happy and whole with three. My hunch is that there are always potential issues and struggles with any familial setup, right?
There are of course struggles and challenges in any kind of family. I am happy product of a three-children family. Sure, we took turns ganging up on each other, but kids do that anyway. As I get older, I appreciate even more that I have two siblings instead of one. And because of that, when I start my own family, I know we’ll need to have a few.
Just a quick reminder, A, that in our 5-daughter household (which of course is another odd number but should allow for some evening out of “sides”) I was often picked on by a certain older sister who recruited a certain baby sister to do the dirty work … but then that older sister and I also treated the baby to some good old-fashioned hazing (cry me a river!). And the fights between the oldest two are legendary. And now we are all adults and never ever gang up on one another (ha). My point is, there will always be fights and sibling strife, whatever the number, whatever the breakdown. But there are also the deepest of bonds, and I am pretty happy to have 4 built-in best friends
You know where I stand on this – and don’t be so sure you won’t get your very own Baby Bulldog!
Well now I’ll be eagerly checking back all day long, because I too am facing this dilemma. Though my decision is somewhat different. I feel very strongly that I want another baby. Actually in some ways I feel it more strongly than I did with my first two. The feelings terrify me and make me feel amazing at the same time. I know the timing is NOT right for a third right now. I want to give it a couple of years before I make the hard decisions (my youngest is 15 months). But number 3 just seems like such a huge and yet easy decision all wrapped into one. I’m certain I’ll be blogging about it lots when it comes time to really consider it. But for now, I’ll stop by often today to read what everyone has to say.
Good to know I am not the only one with this dilemma
I agree that 3 changes Everything. The unbalance, not enough hands, no parent/child ratio balanced out. Having said that, I love having 3. I wanted things a bit off balance and boy I got it! There’s always something going on. If my marriage had been stronger and built to last I probably would’ve had 4. I love watching the interplay between the kids, how they are different with each sibling. There is never a “right” time and I love your reference to a “leap of faith,” because every time we think about bringing a child into the world or our families, it sure is a leap of faith. What exciting decisions to be pondering!!
I agree with Christine. After having my first, even though I knew I would have more than one child, I didn’t have a strong desire to do it for quite a while (hence the 7 year age difference). But after the birth of my second (15 months ago) I immediately decided I wanted a third. The passing of each milestone reinforced my longing to do this again, to experience these things just once more.
Strangely in the past few months the desire has waned. I’m just not sure I can give three children the attention I want to give them and that they deserve and still have time for me. I feel this pull daily and it is so hard. I think working full-time is the biggest issue. Anything I need or want to do outside of work makes me feel guilty and sad that I am not with my kids. Namely things like the gym, necessary for my physical health and mental sanity!
hehehe… cheers to baby-making! (or at least practicing)
xoxo!
My biggest concern when my hubs and I considered a third child was sex. We had two boys, and I didn’t want to have another child in hopes that it would be a girl. Once I convinced myself I’d be happy with three boys, I felt good about having a third. It seems as if you’ve already acknowledged the fact that, odds are, your third will be a girl, too, but everyone will ask you “Trying for a boy this time?”
I think three is great. It wasn’t harder, it was easier. My eldest was often off on his own (different personality), and the younger two paired up.
By the way, the third was a girl. We were shocked.
I went through the constant questioning of “trying for a boy??” after having two daughters. We also assumed the third would be a girl and to our surprise the third was a boy. I was just trying to have a healthy child…gender doesnt matter a bit.
Wow! Always amazes me to hear these stories of having the opposite sex after having two of the same. This also happened to my older sister, so I guess it is indeed possible! And you are 100% right. Health is all that matters.
Linda – This gender question is so fascinating and warrants its own post in my estimation. The good news (I think) is that I really don’t care whether I have another girl or a boy. (At least that’s what I tell myself. Perhaps this is a psychological reaction to the reality that I will likely have all girls?) I love that you waited until you’d be thrilled with whatever you’d have and then you got your girl! Perfect!
My two cents is this: think long-term. I have three children five and under. The middle one has Down’s. Yes, I said the middle one. We deliberately went for #3 when she was, uh, 16 months old, I think. We made that choice b/c we believed, and continue to believe, that chaos is fleeting, and family is forever. When we’re sixty and seventy, we’ll be thinking thank God we didn’t let ourselves make choices based on being overwhelmed. I also think it’s easier on grown children who need to take care of aging parents if there are more people to share the burden. (Yes, I’m talking very long term!) And easier on them when parents pass on, because they still have a family.
The third child has been quite a challenge, I must admit. But now that he is 14 months old, we’re talking about #4, because all the things that applied at 2 to 3 also apply at 3 to 4. After that…well, I’m going to be 36 this year, so I don’t know that it will be a discussion again.
Thank you for imploring me to think long-term. I think this is so critically important because it is so easy to get wrapped up in the chaos and concerns of the present moment and lose track of the beckoning bigger picture. You raise some really interesting and valid points that I hadn’t thought of, so thank you. This is EXACTLY why I wanted to post on this admittedly very personal topic; To gather a broad spectrum of opinions and insights. Thanks!
This really is one of the toughest decisions. When is the right time? For me, the right time isn’t when I think it’s right. I’ve found that the right time is when my body is ready (it’s slow to get there) and when God tells me that it’s right. Usually when I plan on getting pregnant, that’s when I have trouble.
I guess what I’m saying is maybe just leave it up to God. Maybe you don’t “try” for a third, but just throw caution to the wind (if you know what I mean) and see what happens.
We stopped at two. Our daughters are 2.5 years apart. For me, protecting my sanity was important.
My oldest daughter is 18.5 years old and about to graduate from high school. She starts college in the fall. Scholarships and grants help, but we still have to cut a check for $28,000 for her freshman year.
Youngest daughter turns 16 next month, is learning how to drive, and already thinking about her college search.
I have four…all two years apart. Three creates a challenge…you are outnumbered. The fourth made little impact on our already crazy lives. I have an intense case of baby lust and would keep going if I followed my heart rather than my head. Husband believes four is plenty
He’s correct but I just love those babies!
Oooh. I am officially envious. You have my magic number! I imagine that I will always have baby lust. I’m quite prone
You need to have another, and you need to do it soon! Yes, life will be chaotic, but the longer you wait, the more difficult it will be, and you so want more kids…
I have 2 boys, 22 months apart, and I get asked all the time whether I’m going to “try for a girl”. I’ve always known I wanted two children, and frankly, the thought of having to be pregnant again and go through that first blurry year makes me physically nauseous.
And that’s how I know I’m done.
My hubs is on the same page, though if I insisted on a third, I’m sure he would be fully on board.
My mom had two kids, and was afraid to upset the balance of her life and tempt fate by having a third (my dad’s family has a history of developmental delays), but she told me she has regretted it.
No regrets! Go for it.
Thanks for the enthusiasm! Love it
I do think I would regret it if we stuck to two. As one of five sisters, I am just a big fan of the magical mayhem that ensues and hope to create that in my own home. We will see! Thanks for chiming in here!
I have one and I am on the fence about having two. I have a husband that takes care of premature infants and he thinks it is a blessing to have one healthy child. Because he sees so much, I think we both are a little hesitant to have another one.
I don’t have any kiddos yet, but I’m definitely looking forward to it. My hubs and I have talked about it, but it totally abstract terms–we’ve only been married a year and are just chipping away at the beginning of our careers. I will say, though, that I can’t even count the number of times I’ve been told that there is no such thing as “the right time”. Children are “inconvenient” because love is inconvenient. I know that sounds a bit harsh (because of course you love your little tow-headed beauties to no end!) but love is really putting someone else ahead of your own needs and wants–and although I can’t speak from experience, but isn’t that kind of the culmination of motherhood? and even marriage? I think you have enough love to spread. Just from reading your words on a computer screen, I can tell that you’ve got a heart big enough for one more baby!
PS-saw your book in Barnes & Noble yesterday!! Yay!
I just have to say I love this comment! MaryGene, not sure if you are a writer too but you should be
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MaryGene – Tend to agree with Jessica. I too love your added insights here. The issue of inconvenience is so profound. There is nothing convenient about some of the best things in life – love, family, passion. I am mildly thrilled that you spotted my book in Barnes & Noble
Oh Aidan. Is there something in the water lately? Or the air? Or is it spring mating season?
My post for Momalom’s Five for Ten about “Yes!” was about being on the fence about having children at all… but slowly, gradually inching toward yes. So frightening and exhilarating at the same time.
And my husband uses the “leap of faith” phrase for the parenthood question too. How funny, that men seem to have a better perspective on this. Probably because they’re slightly removed from actually carrying a child for nine months!
Well, you know what I will say.
And where I will send you for more info. 
Here’s what it boils down to for me, though: Listen to your heart. If you fear you will wonder “what if,” then go for it. Yes. It will rock your world, upset any kind of equilibrium you have reached. But. But. But. If you have a third, you may very well wonder how you could have lived without her (or, hey, maybe it will be a BOY). And if you do go for three, Aidan, I’ll add you to our new list of moms of three: http://momalom.com/blogs-by-moms-of-three-or-more/
All I can tell you is that we had the same discussions before we had our #3. Conclusion: #3 is the single best decision I have ever made. He has made our family better. He has made me better. He has made the children’s dynamic better. All the questions we had fell away. There is less of us to go around, but the children are far, far better off having their littlest brother than they were with just the two of them. And for me, he is the sweetest gift. I called him my “Indulgence Baby” because it felt indulgent to have a third, to not just replace ourselves but to add another, and he is indulgent if only that he has made life so much sweeter. But I firmly believe the world is better for him being here, and I know I am.
Wonderful perspectives here today. My mother-in-law (mother of 6) has always said, “After they outnumber you, it’s all the same.” She says it’s a big difference in going from 1 to 2, and from 2 to 3, but after that it doesn’t rock your world anymore. So maybe after #3 Husband will cede his ground on #4?
As for us, we have 1 now and would like to have 4. The plan is 2 biological and 2 adopted. It will be a handful, but after 11 years of exposure to my husband’s big crazy family I know that I want the same for us.
I have two but have always wanted more. Our own childhood influences much of this. I have four sisters, but the wife has one brother.
In her eyes it worked out perfectly because we have one of each. But though I love my children more than can be described I have always wanted more.
The flip side is that my kids go to private school and that is an enormous burden. I love the school and my kids are thriving, but the weight of the tuition never disappears.
So part of me wonders if life isn’t better this way as I don’t have to worry about how to pay for another.
But who knows what the future holds. The one thing I am certain of is that you will always find reasons to wait. There is never a perfect time.
I have three boys, ages 14, 11 and 6. The space between wasn’t planned. The space between 2 and 3 makes me feel like I totally reinvented the wheel. We had been out of diapers for years before the little one came along. We were almost starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am going to spend 16 consecutive years in my elementary school! And, I feel like I have a family of 2 boys and an only child.
And, add to that, when you go out to eat, the restaurant will, almost without fail, attempt to seat you at a table for 4 with a chair stuck on the end – and that part sucks. Considering you can’t take the third back (and I NEVER would because he’s AWESOME!), the real solution was to have a 4th. Unfortunately I was too tired and didn’t know then what I know now.
Good luck!
Cathy – Thank you for your comment. Indeed it is loaded with practical consideration as well as a strong argument I can use to push Husband to consider four
My husband and I are COMPLETELY on the fence – ready to fall off one way or the other every single day. I have been waiting for us to fall the same direction for 6 months. Just when I am falling “yes” he is falling “no” – both of us with perfectly valid/understandable reasons at that moment.
We already have 2 perfect daughters. Why chance it? The one thing that we both keep coming back to is “no regrets” Neither of us want to say “we should have had another”. It is just a HUGE leap… one that I think that we are going to have to close our eyes, hold on tight & make. Or that’s what side of the fence I am on today anyhow!
And… like you Aiden… we “know” we will have another girl! Which makes me squeal with joy! I don’t think that I would know what to do with a little boy!
Wow. Kind of sounds like we are the same person! Keep me posted on how your fence-riding goes and I will do the same for you and others who pop by here to read my daily angst
Love this leaping language and imagery. I think it is so right on.
I posted a comment on your Facebook page but wanted to comment here too – I say GO FOR IT! It’s what you want. Do it! It won’t be easy… if Baby #3 is anything like my Baby #3, I spent the first three months thinking I had done lost my mind. But after the initial difficult phase (and boy was he difficult, just like all the other moms told me baby #3 would be)…well, now he’s the life of the party, the shining star, the giggle of every day, the jokester, my snuggle bunny and our family would not be the same without him.
GO FOR IT!
Love the enthusiasm and the all-caps touch
I am hearing a lot about how wonderful #3 is… It is definitely pushing me toward yes. After all, I am all about Life After Yes. Indeed that was cheesy, but I’m allowed to go the Velveeta route from time to time, right??
Aidan! I have been meaning to comment on one of your posts to let you know that I’ve been anonymously reading here for months (ooh creepy). I’m far from the stage in my life where I’m even considering kids, but my sibling situation might give you some perspective on having three kids.
I used to describe myself as ‘sort of the oldest, sort of the middle girl’. I have two younger sisters (one is 3 1/4 years younger, one is 15 months younger than her), and one half-brother who is 8 years older. I think, no matter how many children you have, it’s more about the timing and spacing than anything else. When I was growing up, my brother must have felt very left out, and he often took on more of a parental role than a peer role. ‘The girls’ all had the same bedtime and chores, but his were different. On rides, which was already brought up, my younger sisters would each sit with a parent, and my brother and I would pair up. But he is so much older, that my youngest sister (who is 12 years younger than him) doesn’t really know him at all as a brother- he’s more like an uncle to her. I think that’s a shame, because it’s like she’s missing out on what that relationship could have been if only we were born closer together. So I’m going to caution you that if you ARE going to have any more children, you should have them all within at least a few years of each other.
(and on a teasing note, if you do wait a long time, the last child might think that they were a ‘mistake baby’, no matter what you tell them or how much they know they are loved).
Not creepy at all. I love my anonymous readers and particularly when they emerge from hiding like you have done today
I really appreciate this opinion about spacing. I do think there is something compelling about keeping our kiddos close in age. Then again, my parents spaced us out majorly (twenty years between oldest and youngest) and our family is pretty amazing…
Thanks so much for commenting!
Can we get back to the sex and marriage question for just a minute? I can’t imagine a happy marriage without sex. Really. Still pondering yesterdays post before I can even get to the question about #3!!!
I’m not married, but I’ve always thought three was the perfect number of kids. I basically grew up as an only child and would have loved to have more siblings around.
And I just wanted to tell you that I am on page 184 of your book and am loving it! Also, this isn’t really relevant to your writing, but it feels so good in my hands! It’s super soft. I’m so excited to finish it (soon, I hope!). As someone who has contemplated writing a book myself, I really enjoyed reading about your journey. It makes reading the book all the more enjoyable! Great work!
Three is a good number, right? I think so. Am thrilled to hear you are enjoying LAY! Please do get in touch when you flip that final page and let me know what you think. And, if you haven’t already, you should join the very popular Motherese book club where we begin discussing LAY next Monday! Click away here to find out more: http://mothereseblog.com/2010/05/18/yes-and-life-after-it/
A number of people have also said here that they already have ___ “perfect” children, that “healthy” is all that matters, “why chance it,” etc. As a person who never, never, never, NEVER (got the idea?) was open to having a child with special needs–and who got one anyway–I want to encourage everyone here not to base this decision on fear of having a child with special needs. There are difficulties, to be sure, but the fear of the life is far, far worse than the reality of the life.
I love babies. I want as many as I can get. You’ll be happy with whatever decision you make, but if I were you…I’d have another
I have two siblings and I always wished I had more. Maybe that’s why I want as many kids as I can get. My husband has a son from a previous marriage and he lives with us half the week. We just had our first (a girl) four months ago. Hubby and I haven’t talked about how many kids we’ll have, but I’m crossing my fingers for two more. He’d probably be happy to stop having kiddies now, but not me!
Like previous comments said, there is never a “right” time to have a baby. It’s difficult to plan something so monumental. There’s also never a “wrong” time to have a baby, particularly if you are in a stable marriage. Good luck with your decision!
Thrilled to have encountered a fellow baby lover. I hope you get your two more kiddos. And I agree – and wholeheartedly – that there is never a perfect time to make this life leap. Thanks for chiming in here!
Growing up an only child, I was always happy I never had siblings that I had to share with, however, as I got older and went through some harder times in my life, then easier times, then the times we will always remember (college, weddings, first children, second children) to this day I always wish I had a sibling (or two or three) to have shared these experiences with and to be able to understand everything I went through in my life. I want my kids to have that. We are currently contemplating our third child. When I think about the amazing experience of being pregnant and giving birth, the thought that the next time might be the last time makes me profoundly sad, hence somewhere in the back of my mind I see 4 on the horizon. Two kids is definitely not twice the amount of work, at a minimum its 3x+, so I cant quite imagine what I would do with 3 let alone 4. That said, the ability to make these amazing creatures out of thin air, from nothing . . . . poof and there is this amazing talking walking singing creature, to me that is a gift and I would be happy to have 10 if I could.
Penny
Never knew that we are baby craving compatriots! We will have to discuss this and brainstorm ways to convince our men. I too loved pregnancy and all stages of babyhood and can’t imagine stopping. The idea also makes me profoundly sad. Thanks for adding your words. I hope you continue to do so going forward. Hi to the babes 
I wanted to have a third child. My husband was done at two and even scheduled his own vasectomy (which is how I knew he really meant it). For a while I felt sad and adrift, but I actually think that ultimately it was the right decision for us.
Why do I think this? I just did my last preschool drop-off ever yesterday. And I keep waiting to be sad that my baby is going into kindergarten, that starting in the fall I will have no little kids in my house. But the sadness isn’t there. I’m so ready to move into the next phase. I have a million plans and none of them involve diapers.
Would I have been happy with another baby? Of course. Do I sometimes feel sad thinking that now that my mother is gone I’ll never have a mother-daughter relationship with anyone again? (I have two boys.) Of course. But I don’t think I was meant to have a big family. I don’t think in my heart of hearts I wanted one. And I don’t think it had anything to do with timing or convenience. It just wasn’t what was right for our family. As others have said, that’s what it ultimately comes down to.
I have three, but two of them were surprises, so really, what do I know?! I do know that your family will accommodate however many it swells into. You will be whole with 2 girls, AND with 2 girls and another, or two girls and four more…you get the picture. That’s what I think, anyway.
And was it Louise Erdrich who called a publishing year ‘a birthing year’? She has a great quote on that.
I have 2. One of my dearest friends has 7. We talk all the time about the differences in our lives.
My children can take theatre and publications and still be able to have me shuttle them to Judo one night a week. Her kids have to all ban together to choose a sport for the season because there is one car and they need to go to practice together.
When we play Apples to Apples with her family it’s already a party just because their family arrives.
Life with a big family, life with a couple kids…you make some choices (or maybe the choices are made for you) and you make a great life.
Life is perfect because love is abundant. There is obviously so much love in your life. You will have a wonderful life no matter the number of foreheads you kiss goodnight.
Best of luck as you decide.
Aidan. I want 6 or more. It’s true. I have always wanted a big family and am lucky enough to have a husband who is on board with this idea. And, if I want to be honest with you and the whole wide web, I would have another one right now. Even though my baby is 6 months old. I just know that I am supposed to have more. I also feel confident that I will know when I am done.
As for spacing–I think there is no perfect order. If your kids are born a year apart, you won’t have jealousy issues. If there is more space, you will have a helper rather than another baby. Having another baby requires adjustment from everyone.
A big reason my husband chose the medical profession as his career was to support our family. We know how expensive big families are–I come from 10 kids–and we are preparing for that inevitability.
Frankly, if money and health weren’t an issue, I would have a dozen children.
Ultimately, it is your decision to make. I think, though, that if you are considering it, you know you aren’t done.
Hey Aiden, come on over to my website, HavingThreeKids.com: A Site for Those Who Have Three, Want Three, or Fear Three!
There’s a discussion forum there with lotsa moms angstfully debating this very topic, plus other resources related to having three kids. (BTW, I found your post thru the JVNLA twitter feed — my agent is Elizabeth Evans. Nice to “meet” you!)
Argh, I spelled your name wrong. My excuse is my friend’s son, Aiden. Sorry.
Seems we all have an opinion on this one. I haven’t read the previous comments as I was rushing from dropping of the boys to the office. I am always rushing. I have 3 siblings, my husband has 6. I assumed we’d have many children. We had a son and another son rather quickly and then kept our options open unsure about when to go for #3. Then the boys got older and easier (I didn’t say easy). They can now amuse themselves on airplanes, go to any restaurant and ski with us. We’ve stepped out of diapers and dependence and we cannot go back again. Actually we don’t want to. My husband feels so lucky to have healthy and happy children and I feel too busy or selfish to add anyone to the mix. My advice, if I am in a position to give any, would be that if you wait too long or think too much you may tilt in the direction we did. As my mother said when we were thinking about #1,”there’s never a good time and if you wait for that it will never come.”
As one of 7, I can attest to the joy (and sometimes annoyance, haha) of growing up with many siblings. I don’t have any children yet, but find myself daydreaming about them and checking out little babies everywhere. My husband has got the bug as well, so we will see what happens. It can be confusing–two masters later, I know that I want to stay home with the kids, but am confused when I get my bills for school loans and think about what I want to do for myself, with myself in the future. Good luck with your decision!
I say go for it. I have 2 girls. Got pregnant SO EASY. Then we waited and talked about it and “decided” when a good time would be. I’m a planner and I planned when it would fit into our lives. That was 2 years ago. Now my plans are all messed up. I took my fertility for granted and just assumed it would work out the way I thought it would.