The Name Game
- 05
- 28
- 10
I remember the moment vividly. Husband and I sit at the bar in a restaurant downtown. It is Saturday and we indulge in an afternoon cocktail. (Oh, the good old days of weekend wandering sans wee ones.) I turn to him and say something.
“You do know that when we get married I’m not taking your name.”
A bit provocative, huh? And also more than a bit presumptuous because we are not even engaged. In fact, we won’t be for over a year, but we lovebirds started talking about forever only a few months into our romance, so I figure this name topic is fair game. Fine.
And so. I say this. And I wait for not-yet-Husband’s response. He sips from his tall glass of beer, pins me with his blue eyes, and asks me why. Why do I want to keep my name? At once shocked and encouraged that this will be a conversation instead of a confrontation, I do my best to answer him. I want to keep my name because it’s my name and always will be. I will not suddenly morph into a new person on my wedding day, so why must I change my name? I think it’s a bit sexist to assume that we women should drop such a pivotal part of our identity just because we marry. My sisters aren’t changing their names, so why should I? Clumsily, I go on and on and on and on and then it occurs to me to ask whether he would want me to take his name. And, if so, why.
And Husband says that he always assumed that whomever he married would take his last name. That this was what he had seen go on around him and that he liked the idea of parents having the same name as their kids. And then he says something amazing. He says that if I don’t want to change my name, he would be okay with that. He would respect my decision even if he didn’t fully understand it.
Good man. Marriage-worthy man.
Fast forward a fair bit of time. Husband and I are happily engaged. We are a week out from our wedding. We are in line at City Hall waiting to get our wedding license. When it is our turn, we walk up to the glass. The young lady asks us some questions. She wants to know our names. And then she asks what my married name will be. And I do something that to this day surprises me and makes me smile.
“My married name is Rowley.”
I say these words, startling myself and look over at my beaming and befuddled man. “Really?” he asks. “Really,” I say. He asks me why and I tell him because it feels right. Because it makes sense. Suddenly, all of those reasons, those crisp reasons carefully culled, have evaporated and I am a Rowley. And happily so.
I always told myself that if I ever did anything professionally noteworthy, I would stick to my maiden name. And when the time came when I had to decide on my publishing name, I had a very hard time. Up until the very last minute my authorial name was to be Aidan Donnelley. But at the last second, I switched things up and made what I think was the right decision. Aidan Donnelley Rowley. Given. Maiden. Married. Why? Because that’s who I am. Part Donnelley girl. Part Rowley woman. My husband’s wife. My girls’ mother.
My own person.
And so. Because of my own experience playing the name game, I am very interested in this question. This question of whether, upon marriage, women change their names. Whether they do so willingly and without thought. Or whether they do so begrudgingly because it is expected. I am interested in how things are changing in the way this game is played. How couples are combining and hyphenating names. I am interested in how all of this affects children whose names are the same as, or different than, their parents. I am interested in what happens upon divorce when someone is left with a name they no longer feel is theirs. I am interested in how all of these name questions affect human identity because I think they do. And significantly.
Patently, I am interested in many things here. Interested enough to use the word ‘interested’ eight times in the last several sentences. The editor in me is tempted to go back and swap a few of these out. Replace ‘interested’ with ‘curious’ or ‘intrigued,’ but that would take time and I would rather get this conversation started.
And so I will.
______________________________________
- Did you (or your partner) change your name when you married? Do you plan to change your name when you marry?
- Why did you (or your partner) change your name or not change it? Do you have any regrets about this decision? Would you do things differently now?
- Do you think it makes sense to maintain different identities in professional and personal spheres or is this confusing?
- Do you think it affects kids when they have names that are different than one of their parents?
- If you changed your name, and ultimately divorced, would you change your name back?
- How early in your relationship did you talk to your partner about getting married?
Please check out bits and pieces of some more recent (and very positive!) reviews of Life After Yes. I encourage you to click the links to read the full reviews.
“Quinn’s losses became mine. Her fears became mine. Her mistakes caused me to feel shame and her success caused me to feel pride. Aidan lifts the outer layers of external perfection from her heroine and carefully reveals a creature who is initially less – but ultimately more – enviable than you thought she was based on her exterior.” Ten Dollar Thoughts
“I will admit, rather shamefacedly, that I was anticipating more girlishness in the book than there was. And while I enjoyed the day at the beach those years ago when I read Bridget Jones’ Diary, I don’t traditionally pick those books off the shelf. Aidan’s book was touching and feminine without trying too hard to land the chick-lit vote, which for someone who doesn’t vote that way, was terrific. Her protagonist was aware of her flaws and her lapses toward cliche and that made her so much more human and easy to relate to, even as she was rich and pretty… I now feel confident, nepotismessness aside, in recommending Life After Yes as excellent summer reading that even snobbish bitches like me who look at the girlbook table with disdain can guiltlessly enjoy.” Did I Really Move to Greenwich?
“Deeply philosophical, sharp and witty, without a doubt Aidan Donnelley Rowley’s book, Life After Yes, will be one of my top picks for the year.” Rundpinne
“I tend to avoid books about 9/11. It is still hard to read about. I think it always will be. As a New Yorker, I don’t need a reminder. However, I really loved how it was incorporated into Life After Yes. It was always a spectre in the background of Quinn’s thought and actions. It affects her relationships and emotions. Not only because she lost her father in the attacks but because it was a trauma for her as well. It was very well done.” Books Like Breathing
“… Rowley is very knowledgeable in philosophy and it is apparent in this novel. I absolutely fell in love with her passages on Plato and true love and marriage. Ever since finishing this novel, I have pondered those paragraphs and shared them with friends. This book is highly recommended for readers who enjoy intelligent women’s literature.” Luxury Reading
If you click and order my book, I will marry you. If you order several, I will also take your name 
I did take my then-husband’s name when we married. Strangely enough, his mother did not think I was going to do so. Not sure why. Until just recently, I totally gave up my maiden name. I kept my middle name on formal documents and took to signing things NDConroy. When my father passed away last year and my 30th high school reunion approached, I started putting my maiden name on things. Not quite sure why.
I have not changed my name back as I am my children’s mother and it is easier in life to have the same name.
I kept my maiden name and feel quite happy I did, though I’m not sure that this will never change. When/if my children question it, my resolve might weaken. The reason I decided to keep my name was because, though it is only a name, I believe that my family defined who I was and I need to keep the connection. But it’s more complicated that that too. My mother died when I was so young. My father is my pillar of the earth. I NEEDED to keep this connection to him, however random it might seem. But I LOVE your explanation:
Part Donnelley girl. Part Rowley woman. My husband’s wife. My girls’ mother.
That is a beautiful thing.
When I got divorced, I reclaimed my maiden name. (I had done what Aidan did–First Maiden Married.) I was very anxious to have my “real” name back, but it was easy because there weren’t children involved and I’d only been married for about a year. Personally, I think it seems easiest if kids and parents have the same last name, but it’s a really personal decision.
My partner and I are not married. Maybe someday we will be. Who knows? I have no plans on changing my name. For many reasons – social expectations, identity. I remember being appalled as a child that my grandmother had had her married name longer than her birth name. Something just didn’t sit right with me.
Our son has my last name as his middle name and shares his last name with his father. It was important to me that he have my last name in his name – for his identity and also so his name didn’t create doubt that I am his mother.
That’s so interesting to me that you noticed the asymmetry in the amounts of time your grandmother had her married name and birth name. Indeed a sign of an observant and intelligent person! We too have given both of our girls my maiden name as one of their middle names. Yes, one of them. Each little girl has a total of four names. I love this, but what’s going to happen when they get married one day? Five names is a lot!
Thank you for chiming in here!
I took my husband’s name when we married. I didn’t even think about having another option. Good Christian girls took their husband’s name! (I have since learned this is not universally true, but hey, I was young and naive)
Now, I kind of wish I had kept my maiden name. My husband has actually thought about changing our family’s name to his mother’s maiden name, because neither of us really want to have any kind of connection to his adoptive father anymore (long story). My family is SO tight knit, and there’s just my sister and me, and we both would like to have carried on my dad’s name.
If (IF) I ever get a book published, I will use my maiden name. Part of it is that I want to give credit to my family for all they’ve done for me, and part of it is that I have been writing since I was a little kid, and my maiden name reflects more of my writer-self than my married name, and part of it is simply that I like the way it sounds!
As for kids – there are so many divorced and remarried families these days, where children have different last names from parents, sometimes even other siblings, that I’m not sure it affects them like maybe it did even twenty years ago.
I had the exact same reasoning when it came to deciding on a publishing name. I felt compelled to go with my maiden name because that was my identity for much of my life and during my school years during which I learned to write. But then. The time came and I felt like my married name was such a big part of my identity that it made sense to go the way I did. There is no right way here as with most things, but I find this conversation to be truly fascinating. And I totally agree that there are so many different situations these days that kids are less likely to be affected by their last name.
Thanks for leaving a thoughtful comment, Louise!
I took my husband’s name. A full, unconditional non-hyphenated replacement of my maiden name.
The reasons were several, none of which involved traditional patriarchal passing down of the family name. A number of people asked me why, I remember, including my husband’s friends. It was almost as if I had to defend my choice. I chose it because (1) I had my biological father’s name, my parents are divorced, and since that point I’ve always thought of my step-father as my dad. So the familial identity factor was completely missing for me. (2) I’ve simply disliked how my maiden name sounded, whereas my husband’s name seemed just perfect. Strangely enough my mother-in-law took her husband’s name for the same reason (didn’t like her maiden name).
It was also for identity reasons. Because I’ve never identified my maiden name with family, I was hoping to gain that sense in adoption of a new name, in creation of my and my husband’s own new family.
As a mildly amusing story, my MIL’s younger sister, who kept her maiden name upon marriage, keeps addressing me by my maiden name in any correspondence. I haven’t been able to figure out whether it’s an honest mistake or a subconscious disapproval of my choice (or a need for a justification of her own?).
Your comment highlights for me the reality that we make these decisions – these important decisions about identity – for so many reasons. Before this conversation, I had not thought much about the aesthetic reasons for name changing. There are many people who like the sound of their married name better than their maiden name. This, to me, seems as legit a reason as any. (Who are we to determine what reasons are legitimate anyway?) Such an interesting anecdote about your MIL’s sister. I wonder what her deal is. Would you ever feel comfortable asking her?
Thanks for popping by ILI and joining in this great conversation.
I went a similar route as you did for your book. My maiden name is now my middle name, and I took my husband’s last name. It was sad, but like you…it felt right. Elizabeth wrote a nice post on this recently: http://www.lifeinpencil.com/wp/2010/05/19/identity-crisis/
I struggled and totally understand that sense of loss that comes with changing…but at the same time, I saw it as a rite of passage of sorts, and that made it exciting too.
I was pretty happy to change my name, to take my husband’s name. I never felt much affinity for my maiden name – it don’t roll off the tongue very well. And my married name just sounded so right! Of course, you could also do some psycho-analysis into any animosity I was harboring toward my parents, etc. but that’s another post.
I think some of it depends on when you get married. If you’re married in your late 20s or early 30s when you’ve already established a professional name for yourself, it makes a lot of sense to maintain your maiden name.
Husband and I talked about marriage quite early in our relationship. We just knew. I boldly told him – about a month into our courtship – that I don’t believe in divorce. And he smiled.
I haven’t thought about this in years. At the time, my only hangup was that I really wanted to keep my maiden name as my middle name, but I could not bring myself to do it. My maiden name and husband’s last name happen to be very rhyme-y, rendering the combo completely ridiculous. I agonized over it for a while, and ultimately decided to take his name. I’m glad I did, particularly for the sake of our children. I like that all of us share a last name.
If, however, I ever achieve my goals and publish a book, then I may publish under my maiden name. I have many years to dwell on this, though, so I haven’t made a decision yet! I love your rationale for using both maiden and married when you published, though, so that gives me something else to think about.
By the way, finished Life After Yes over the weekend. Wonderful! Be proud – very proud!! What an achievement. Congratulations!
So funny because I have always thought “Donnelley Rowley” sounds kind of rhyme-y too, but I figured oh well! Now, I love the way it sounds together. Good luck with your publishing goal. I am certainly not the authority on such things, but always feel free to contact me with any and all questions.
I am so thrilled that you took the time to read LIFE AFTER YES and that you liked it! I am happy and proud and overwhelmed and hearing that people like it means the world. The world.
Yay
I always knew I wanted to take my husband’s last name because I wanted to have the same last name as my kids. And I was quite pleased with the decision until I decided to marry a Levine and realized my new name was going to be the Jewish girl version of John Smith. Utterly common. I stuck with my decision to change the name, though begrudgingly and with many complaints. (My husband, too, said he didn’t care what I did, but I wanted to feel like a family and I felt like having the same name would facilitate that.) The other hard part for me is that for my entire life I’ve been identified by my last name. Bertsche. Berch. B. No one ever called me Rachel. When I got married a friend insisted–only half-jokingly–that I should change my first name and just be Bertsche Levine. So I did change my name, and went through the horrible Social Security-DMV-Passport hassle that came with. I made my maiden name my middle, and I still use my maiden name professionally. Which means at work and in my writing I’m still Rachel Bertsche. It gets horribly confusing. I can never remember which name I am to who. But I can’t bring myself to write under Rachel Levine. Too unmemorable. So yeah, I did it. But as you can tell, I’m a bit ambivalent about it. It’s hard having two names! It’s like having two watches… you never quite know what time it is.
My mother was born with her mother’s maiden name as her middle name. When she got married she dropped her middle name, replacing it with her own maiden name, and taking my father’s name. Anne and I also both had our mother’s maiden name as our middle name until we each got married, and also replaced it with our own maiden name. I love the symmetry of this. I love the cyclical nature of it. I love the feeling of heritage it gives me.
IEP’s middle name is not my maiden name, but it is a name with much significance to us. At least one of our children will have my maiden name as his/her middle name. And one will probably also have my orignal middle name.
On a daily basis I do not use three names, but I use my middle initial (maiden name initial) on almost everything. I love the reminder of the family I grew up in. It makes me feel a part of something so much larger than myself.
I took my husband’s last name and used my maiden as my middle name. I did have a middle name, so I debated how I would change my name and ultimately decided it would be easier from a transcript/resume/whatever else standpoint to use my maiden as my middle to eliminate some confusion when entering the job world. Now, unless it’s a legal document, I just sign with my first and last. I would use my middle/maiden if I had something published.
If we were to get divorced, I don’t know what I would do. I’ve become quite accustomed to this last name.
I guess we started talking marriage a couple months in. Though, a proposal was not made until 2 years in.
I took my husband’s last name. It seemed right. I happily made my maiden name my middle name. Old middle name was Louise – yuck! There are times, however, when I miss my maiden name. It has so much personality and my married name does not (IMO).
Reaves (now) vs. Carbonaro (then) – what do you think?!
Where I come from, on official papers your name doesn’t change. When you marry though it becomes: given – father’s given – last name, married to husband’s given name – last name. (long I know)
The thing that changes is the registrar office number. See when you’re married a new number in the municipality you’re from is given to you. Your kids go under it. When the girls get married they are stricken from their dads register and added to their husbands. But you’re always addressed to as given name – husband’s last name on invitations, in public etc. Weird huh?
When I moved to Canada, I found it weird that people always asked me if I had the same last name as my kids. So in order to avoid any confusions (and those questions) I gave up my maiden name and kept my husband’s. I too find it easier when the whole family has the same last name. I could have hyphenated it but didn’t think about it at the time. I like how it sounds now. I got used to it. Don’t know what I would do in the case of a divorce. Would rather not think about it!
So so interesting to hear about the different ways marriage and name change are handled in different places. I agree with you that it is not fun to think about what would happen in the event of a divorce. I guess the question was in my head because I do know several women who are now divorced and some of them have reverted to their maiden name and some have not… All interesting questions in my estimation.
Thanks for chiming in here! Hope you come back soon.
I took my husband’s name, and I have two reasons for it, one shallow and one deeper. The shallow reason is that I didn’t have a very pretty maiden last name. So I traded up. The deeper reason is that while I didn’t change into a new person when I married, I did take on a new role and enter a new era, and I wanted record of that. I wanted to recognize the commitment I was making. And if I ever publish, I’ll have the same dilemma as you. My previous (long ago) publishing is under my maiden name, so hmmm. I’m not yet sure.
This is interesting because I am about to be married and really struggling with the upcoming name change. I have had a couple friends tell me it’s the worst part of the whole deal and they had a hard time knowing they didn’t have the same name as their Dad anymore. I am planning to change it and move my current last name to my middle name because that’s a name I will always share with my family and my sister. But to me, it is still sad and going to be a transition.
Of course this decision is personal and circumstantial. I knew I’d never take my husband’s name and he didn’t want me to, partly because his nickname for me has always been my three initials, which would of course change I changed my middle and last name.
It’s not just politics, although that is some of it. There is an element of poetry to it: I like how my name sounds; my husband’s last name is difficult. And since everyone pronounces my first name incorrectly, I wasn’t interested in having two names that no one could say.
Since I’ve developed my Internet presence, I’ve been happy that I have different last name than my kids. I feel free to use their first names on my site but the fact that I don’t share their last name offers them a bit of privacy, especially as far as Google is concerned.
Last of all, I’m really glad I didn’t change my name since my middle name is my mother’s maiden name. Since she died nine months after I got married, I’m so glad that I still have her name in the mix.
I took my husband’s last name and it was an easy decision. I was born under my biological father’s last name. Once he was finally out of the picture, I had no need or desire to hang onto that name or anything that reminded me of him. I assumed my step-father’s last name when I was 15. I was not adopted by him, so although I use his last name as my maiden name, I do not feel any strong sentimental connection to it. So changing my name was easy. And I will have had this name for 25 years in August. My kids all have this name. I have no plans to divorce, but I would NOT change my name if I did. And that isn’t based on any philosophy, tradition, what my parents did or any other reason other than it is what personal life circumstances have naturally led me to.
Your comment and so many of those that precede it remind me that there really is a multiplicity of reasons for why people do and do not change their name. Sometimes, it is about embracing a new family. Sometimes, it is about creating distance from an old one. Makes perfect sense to me. Thanks so much for chiming in here; this conversation is really intriguing to me in large part because of the mosaic of opinions in this comment box. Come back soon!
We did something unconventional. When my husband and I got married, we both hyphenated our names. I didn’t want to take his name for lots of the reasons already mentioned, but I did want to have a single name for our family. So now along with our son, we are the only three ‘Emmett-Mattox’s on the planet. We’ve been married nearly 20 years, and have a 10 year old son and so far, I’m happy with our solution. It sometimes causes confusion in doctors offices and the like when we get misfiled sometimes. And many computer systems don’t like hyphens, so it ends up all run together. But all in all, I would do the same thing again. When people ask me what my son will do when he gets married, I say, “He’ll have to do the same thing I hope your kid will do- he’ll have to think about it!”
I was just talking about this last weekend. I got married relatively young — 22, just out of college. I wanted to keep my name, but at the time, my husband felt hurt that I didn’t want to take his. He hadn’t thought about it much, only looked at what had gone on around him, and his initial reaction was a little confusion and hurt. His family, on the other hand, would have lost it had I not taken his name. So in my youthful insecurity and my desire not to hurt anyone, I hyphenated. Which is annoying to me. I wish I would have kept my name only. It’s just simpler. I like my maiden name better than my married name. I would be fine having a different last name than my kids (that was part of the issue for my inlaws — the passing on of the family name). I’ve thought about changing it, but I have too much published with my hyphenated name to switch now. I think I’d like it better if it didn’t have that hyphen. That’s what I tried to do when I first got married, but someone told me I couldn’t and I didn’t push it, and now it is what it is, 10 years later.
So is your legal last name Donnelly Rowley or just Rowley?
Very interesting topic. I wish I had been stronger in my conviction at the time, but it all happened pretty quickly.
I have VERY strong feelings about this but it is too late on a Friday for me to get into all of them. Obviously, to each his own, but I positively bristle when people use the reason of “I wanted to have the same last name as my children.” That is a totally valid reason but it makes the assumption that there is only one last name the children could have, the father’s. And the expectation/assumption of that drives me crazy.
I kept my last name. And the plan is to hyphenate our poor (future) little rascals. And yes, I am already saving for their therapy. =)
Okay – one other comment. I have a friend and when she got married, the husband took HER last name.
My parents got married in the late 70s, my mom didn’t change her name (she was already 35, career, etc).
One of my dad’s “friends” brought a dinner party to a screeching halt, asking her directly “So what are you trying to prove?”
She still hasn’t forgiven him (or forgotten, obviously.)
Having a different last name from my mother caused a few little glitches growing up, getting picked up at school or bringing in notes, etc. Sometimes if I go somewhere with her I’m listed with her last name, which I find kind of cute actually. Overall it really isn’t that big of a hassle.
I find this topic fascinating. I took my husband’s name, but I have loads of (slightly older, strongly feminist) friends who are married but have kept their maiden surnames… so we’ve discussed this. I think there was a point when, maybe, keeping your name was an important and strong statement about staying your own person after marriage. Maybe the world has moved on to the point where it’s so normal that it doesn’t make such a statement any more? As I’ve grown up, I’ve realised that the little “statement” actions (like not wearing pink… anyone who knows me will be surprised to hear that I used to object to pink in principle!) don’t actually achieve anything. So, I’m happily married, with a happy new surname. It works for me. But I’m always so interested to hear everyone else’s views.
My wife hyphenated her name. I didn’t like it then and still don’t. It is an arbitrary thing with me. That is what I saw growing up, women took the names of their husband.
But I didn’t fight her on it, never saw a reason to. Our children have my last name. It is kind of a “funny” thing to me now. She rarely introduces herself using the hyphenated version. That isn’t my doing, it is hers.
I suppose that I would have been really bent out of shape had I been asked to change my name so I guess I can see why some people would be upset by it.
The first time I got married (at nineteen) I took his name because, well, I didn’t know NOT to. I was kinda proud, little child-bride that I was, to be *married* and all those wonderful things…
Fast forward eight years, through abuse and darkness and suffocating isolation, to a custody battle and divorce that nearly took my soul and my child… I filed paperwork to reclaim my name. And I did. Inspite of the fact that my daughter carries her father’s name.
When I remarried, I chose to keep my own name. It has served me well, it is mine. Also, hyphenating two German last names is just, well, gutteral-ad-infinitum.
Since that time, I also proceeded to change my first and middle names. Oh yes, I did. The only orginal name is my surname. I am who I am, by choice and by design. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
That does leave our household with three different last names, a stack of legal paperwork a mile thick (because of my job)… but I’ve never been more delighted with one single act of independence.
I figured, at the very least, you would get a chuckle and head-shake out of this… you expected no less from me, right? *grins*
What’s In a Name?
Here’s the rest of the story…
I kept my name and always suspected I would. This was in part because my dad was an only child and I have an older brother who is profoundly autistic and will never have children. I knew if I didn’t keep my name, it would die out and I really like my name. It really solidified for me when my dad died suddenly two years before I married. As I read this it sounds like a decision born of tragedy but it doesn’t feel that way. Mostly, I like using the same name I always have and for my kids to see that it is a valid choice. Who knows what they will do, though my 5 yo son told me just this morning that he will have to decide with his wife what his last name is going to be when he grows up! I like that he sees there are options!
I addressed this topic just last week at Life in Pencil. After five years of marriage, I finally decided to change my name now that we’re having a baby. But Social Security screwed up the name change, which sent me into a total identity crisis. I was surprised by how much it affected me.
http://www.lifeinpencil.com/wp/2010/05/19/identity-crisis/
Kept my name when I married in ’87. Kids have both our names put together, no hyphen or space. Confusing? to some. But everyone always knows they’re related. They know they’re free to drop, add, or change as they see fit one day. As the years go by we all answer to anything that comes close.
I did not officially change my name and still use it for all legal documents. However, for professional and daily use, I decided on Given-Maiden-Married as a three-word combo. Introduce my self as Given-Maiden-Married, not Given-Married.
My reasons are multi-faceted. #1) I grew up with just my sisters and our mother, so my maiden name feels like a connection to that, #2) my maiden name proudly displays my heritage, while my husband’s name is boringly whitewashed, and #3) I liked the idea of adding my husband’s name onto the name I already had, as though symbolic of adding him into our family.
As for the children, I agreed to give them their father’s name. It was very important to him and that trumped all else.
I took my husband’s name as well, though I changed my middle name to become my maiden name, so it’s there if I ever need it/want it to be. I’ve considered myself a pretty hard-core feminist all my life (at least since I could spell the word!) and yet, as you said, for me taking his name was a decision that felt truly right. Perhaps in part it was because I knew he would support me either way, so I truly felt comfortable with the autonomy of my choice. And in fact, to me personally, it felt less patriarchal for me to let go of my father’s name in favor of the man who I chose and our future children. I realize, though, that there are a multitude of opinions on this, and I respect them all!
And of course, it’s unavoidable that logistics play a role. Had my maiden name been tiny and easily combinable with his, or his name been something totally ignominious, perhaps I would have been staring down the road of hyphenation for our children and/or keeping my name altogether. And, my grad school let me get my doctoral diploma in my new name, even though our wedding was a few months away, which helped take away some professional issues. I can’t pretend that it was a 100 percent philosophical decision. But regardless, I’ve never looked back. (Does that mean I want to be Mrs. His Name and lose my first name as well? Nah. There are degrees of this!! Which is ironic, being that our names– Andrea and Andrew– are already only one letter apart!)
So interesting how we stockpile these reasons and opinions and convictions throughout our lives and then we are faced with a decision and we largely go on instinct. This was the way it was for me. And I have never looked back. But I do think it is so fascinating – and important – that we ask these questions, that we scrutinize our own decisions and impulses and leanings. What strikes me suddenly is how wonderful this conversation is for a simple reason: We have choice. It is up to us in this modern world to make up our mind, to carve our identity as we see fit. This is an amazing thing, no?
Thanks for your thoughtful words, Andrea. I look forward to more in the future!
(And many thanks for your LAY missions in your local bookstores!)
You’re very welcome! Great discussion. And as for LAY, I’ve since scouted out two more– a Borders and another Barnes and Noble– and everything is where it should be!
I think the only thing that bothers me about the whole name thing is that it’s something only wives have to actually consider doing. Because, practically speaking, I do like the idea of everyone in our family having the same name. It’s a communal bond for a family, plus it’s just easier for everyone else who needs to communicate with them!
I ended up keeping my maiden name. But I can’t claim any strong feminist rationale really because if my husband’s last name had been shorter, I’d probably have given mine up for the sake of having the same name as my children.
p.s. Just ordered your book! Can’t wait for it to arrive and then I can jump into Motherese’s book club
I agree that it seems unfair that it is only we women who are debating this name change thing. Why don’t men have to weather this mini (or not so mini) identity crisis upon saying “I do”? Thrilled that you will be participating in the book club over at Motherese. Can’t wait!
I took my husband’s name way back in 1971 even though I was a staunch feminist. I guess I was more of a traditionalist. When we divorced in 1990 I went back to my maiden name and when I remarried I kept it. Sometimes it is confusing but I am happy with my decision. I wasn’t about to adopt another persona in my forties.
I just bought your book om Amazon and look forward to reading it. I thought I might be reading it tonight on my Kindle, but alas, not available, so I have to wait.
It fascinates me how feminism and traditionalism aren’t mutually exclusive at all… I think it makes perfect sense that you didn’t change your name again in your forties. I am so happy to hear that you purchased LAY. Apologies that it is not yet available on Kindle; Per my editor, this is delay is often par for the course. Thanks for chiming in, Kreddy!
“At once shocked and encouraged that this will be a conversation rather than a confrontation” – my favorite line of the whole entry. I just went through an exchange with a male friend that left me feeling deflated because it felt so much more confrontational than conversational.
I love your writing Aidan. I’ve been reading your blog for a while and I think this is my first comment.
. Congrats and continued success on your writing career!!
-Tracy
Tracy, I am pleased that you picked up on the conversation v. confrontation theme of this post because it is important. There are so many tricky topics out there that too often translate into confrontations when I think they could give way to good, if complex, conversation.
I am so happy to hear that you’ve been reading ILI and even more pleased that you took the plunge and left your first comment. I do hope this starts a trend
I was 21 when we got married, a little too young to be willing to buck years of social tradition. I changed my name willingly (and kept my maiden as my middle) because I wanted my new family to all have the same name.
At the time, my husband tried to convince me that he would like to take my name instead, for a lot of really complicated reasons (his parents didn’t come to our wedding, for one thing, and now, ten years later, we still haven’t spoken to them since). But, as I said, I was 21, and that was a bit too strange for my conservative self.
Now that we are considering starting a family, we have decided that any and all of our future kids will have my maiden name as their last name. We are (obviously) closer to my family and my father has passed away. His is the name we would like to pass on, and it doesn’t matter to me so much anymore that I wouldn’t have the same last name as my kids. I work in the school system, and no one seems to have the same last name as their kids anymore! More important than having the same last name is making a choice about who we want them to be.
I like how so many people have pointed out that it’s an intensely personal decision. What we are going to do is a little unusual, but I am thankful we have the choice to do what we feel is best.
Kari,
Thank you for taking the time to chime in here. I love to hear about different approaches to this timeless question and I think it is wonderful that you are contemplating giving your future kids your maiden name. I agree – and fully – that this decision is not so much about uniformity of labels as it is about identity, being the people we want to be and choosing, on some level, who we want our children to be. Again, you remind me of the exquisite reality of choice. Because, at bottom, this is all about choice.
Come back!
Aidan, I am at this very moment sitting in Books A Million (one of a few in Birmingham, Alabama). I’ve had coffee, cheesecake.. and now have a bottle of water on the table beside me. On my lap is my computer and open in front of me to page 3 is Life After Yes.
I have been to page 3 for almost an hour. I have not been further yet, because it is taking me a shocking amount of time to absorb your story. I am speechless and in tears. And I’m not quite to the bottom of page 3 actually.
You have spoken to me .. you have spoken to many.
You have my attention.
I began with the advance praise page. Read every quote and even studied the italics of each.
I turned to the acknowledgement and copyright page. I started at the top… song lyrics..
Wait. what song.. had to, of course, pay attention to that! I’m all about the song.. lyrics. Which song? Dear Prudence.. oh that’s your character’s name.. wait tho, who IS Prudence? Really, what song is that.. 1968..the copyright text says 1968.. 1968? Oh I gotta look up that song.
Turn aside — google.. youtube Dear Prudence. Oh — never heard that.. listen. Take it in. Like it very much.
See on the side of youtube.. Alanis Morrisette (sp?) has also performed it… click it.. listen..
Love it.
Make husband listen. Make husband read your back cover. Tell him
I tell him all I know.
—
Then, your dedication page. To your mom and dad. I am in tears, and I haven’t yet made it to the beginning.
Finally, turn to the page next.. your quotes. Three of them.. about dreams.
Dreams?! No .. that is how MY story begins.. and I have doubted… but it is how it must be.
You validate my telling. Samuel Johnson too.. no way. You are in my head.
Somehow, I manage to make it to the page beginning in January 2002.
I hope you are about to publish book number two, because when I finish this first one of yours, I will be your number one fan with nothing left to inspire me the way you’ve done .. and I’m not even finished with page 3.
Unbelievable.
You’ve done it.
Thank you. Dear storyteller. Dream weaver. My own story now has my trust. I needed that. I needed this.
Shelby, you’ve expressed the words I could not form for Aidan. Thank you.
Aidan, Ditto to what Shelby said! I’m not far in, but I’m deeply enthralled.
Shelby – I am at a loss for words. But I have two that I hope are decent placeholders for now: Thank you.
I write because I love it, but knowing that my words and my stories and my dreams are reaching others, really reaching others, means more than you know. And more than I am able to articulate at the moment. I hope you keep reading and that you get back in touch. Certainly after you flip that final page.
Thank you for my broad Sunday smile
I had the HARDEST time deciding what to do. For two (I think good) reasons. First, I was (am) an aspiring post-production editor and I wanted to see MY name in the credits, the name to which I’d become accustomed after 25 years (at that time), and which was displayed on all my diplomas. And second, my maiden name is very unique, my husband’s last name is NOT. I much enjoy being unique, having a sense of identity.
My husband said the same thing as yours. My dad, however, was VERY appalled that I would not take his name, which I thought was odd since I’m his only namesake. I never intended to correct people or not respond to Mrs, I just wanted to leave my maiden name intact, legally. And I REFUSED to hyphenate it (personal issues w/ that one).
In the end, I decided that I wasn’t particularly attached to my middle name (even though I’d created it myself at about 8 or 9 years of age). I kept my maiden name, but in place of my middle, and then took my husband’s last name as mine. Like your publishing name.
Off Topic- Your blog appears MUCH better in Firefox than it does in IE 6. (Can’t upgrade to 7 at work) I always have to switch to FF to comment, because the comment box is off the left margin and I can’t scroll over. Not anything you need to “fix,” more of an FYI in case anyone else mentions it to you.
Nicole, Thank you for letting us in to your reasoning process here. So many of your reasons for clinging to your maiden name are so familiar to me and resonate profoundly. Sounds like you reached a decision that you are happy with… In terms of screen display, I have had this conversation with my web designer and there doesn’t seem to be a way to get my blog to appear flawlessly on all operating systems. I remember her saying that Internet Explorer was a bit of an issue. Anyway, I am sorry it doesn’t appear well, but please know that I very much appreciate your taking the time to switch over to FF to comment! Thank you
This is a charged topic in our household. Husband is traditional and assumed his wife would always take his name. I never considered that I would give up my name again (I had taken my ex-husband’s name during the first go-round.) His brother’s incredibly unhelpful input fanned the flames…so it was all much more complicated than it really needed to be.
As it now, the emotional ties I have to my name have corrected themselves and for husband’s surprise birthday, I’m hyphenating. I’m not taking his name in full because I don’t want to be four of us one name, and my two older children a different one. I/We don’t want them to ever feel like they aren’t 100% part of this core family unit.
I changed my name, but I really, really didn’t want to, and hubs-to-be (at the time) was really upset about why. I still don’t really like my new name. It doesn’t go nicely with my first and it sounds hard and unfriendly. But in the end I decided it didn’t really matter. and guess it doesn’t. Much. I think your husband’s reasons are good ones, especially when it comes to children and lineage and things. They’re pretty much the same reasons I used to convice myself to change my name, even though I really didn’t want to. I just don’t like the sound of it. Rutz. Like tracks in a dirt road. Bleh. Ten years later, I’m getting used to it–but it still doesn’t seem like ME.
First of all, I like the name Rutz
I know that’s not the point, but felt compelled to say that. What strikes me here though is that you had to convince yourself to change your name. While I think this is fine, I am left wondering why, in this modern age, we women are expected to do things that our male counterparts are not. I guess I am wondering whether we will ever truly feel and inhabit equality when there are still these traditional vestiges of inequality? I don’t know. As someone who took her husband’s name, I am clearly not bucking the trend either, but it does leave me wondering. And the whole question of what feels like “ME” is so so interesting and warrants its own post.
Thank you for chiming in here! You better come back!
I did take my husbands name, but not without some serious though. You see, my husband has a very unfortunate last name. One that he didn’t enjoy growing up with, and one that I didn’t really want to pass along to my children. We did briefly talk about him taking my last name, but I think that his parents would have been hurt. So when it came down to it, I wanted our family to have the same last name, me, hubby and the kids. I took his last name, and still get teased about it, as an adult. Our poor, poor children.
I did not take my husbands name…. This is my second marriage. In my first marriage I became Mrs. Ex– (and like you, made my maiden name my middle name). I changed everything professionally (which as a teacher, does quite a number on students) and plodded along. When I got divorced,I knew that I wanted to go back to my maiden name- and realized that my name meant alot to me. It was more about me keeping the identity that I worked so hard to get back, and not losing myself again. On some days I regret it, but then I think about all the paperwork…
“Losing myself.” These are the two words I have been looking for, so thank you. I guess my biggest concern is that we are all perhaps at the greatest risk of losing ourselves in the moment we become married. Not because there is anything wrong with commitment, but because we are literally – in a moment’s time – adopting a new role. My question is how the changing of names adds to this risk. And maybe it doesn’t?
How do we navigate the adult world without losing ourselves along the way? I don’t pretend to know, but thank you so much for helping me formulate the question, cara mamma!
When we got married my husband changed his name to my last name. My reasoning to his father was his brother had 4 sons, but my father has only one who has no kids. So I was carrying on the family name.
In reality, I like my last name and didn’t want to change it. I would have taken his if he refused when we had a child because I do think everyone having the same last name is a good thing.
Funny, when we did have a son, the hospital was so confused and kept telling me to use my maiden name. They finally had to adjust their form to allow my husband to put a previous name.
For my writing and everything online I took his last name- Watkins as a way of honoring him.
I love to hear that your husband took your name. It shouldn’t shock me so, but the fact that it does means that we perhaps have a long way to go. And I love that you use your married name professionally. There is something wonderful and unique about switching things up in this manner. And, again, I am reminded of the true theme here: Choice. Where would we all be without these choices, little and big?
Thanks so much for adding your voice to the ILI mix, Rissa!
I did not change my name. Never thought about doing so. But most of the kids at my children’s school call me Mrs. Kids-Last-Name and I ADORE that title. It might be my favorite name. Doesn’t matter to me that it’s not legal. It’s one of the ways I’m known.
Now, my daughter has talked about changing her last name to match mine. This is interesting to me. Her reasons are her own and some of them have to do with the nationality attached to my name. Some, I think, are the natural identity re-assignments that come about age 17-20.
I remember morphing from Becky to Rebecca at that time and it was a highly significant transformation. Names are meaningful and how we identify ourselves matters.
I’m out of town tomorrow, so can’t join the discusssion about your book at Motherese, but I’ll be there later!
Another perspective. Thank you for this. So interesting and touching that your daughter now wants to change her name to yours.
I agree that names are so much more than labels. At the end of LIFE AFTER YES, I answer some questions and one is about names. I was asked why I gave my protagonist two very different names. And, at one point, I say, “I am a deep believer in the power of names. Names are not just what people call us. They are how we see ourselves, realize ourselves, and interact with the world.”
I am thrilled to hear that you will be joining the Motherese book club discussion that kicks off tomorrow. I hope others do as well! http://mothereseblog.com/2010/05/18/yes-and-life-after-it/
Thanks for chiming in here!
I took my husband’s name, and always figured I would. Liberation is about having the freedom to decide. I always figured it’d be nice to take the name of someone I loved so much. Besides, his name sounds nicer than my original last name!
However, I keep my original name when I publish my writing, ’cause I’ve published novels and intend to publish more, and readers of the other ones wouldn’t know to look for my new name.
I think it’s up to each person and there are reasons to go either way, and they should all be respected.
“Liberation is about having the freedom to decide.”
Exactly. It all comes down to the freedom to choose, to decide how we live and how we love. I believe this and believe it fiercely. I also feel as you do that there are good, solid reasons to make either (or any) choice here and that, ultimately, these decisions should be respected. (Why do we have such a hard time accepting and respecting the decisions of others?)
[So so good to meet you at our mutual bud's birthday soiree a few weeks ago. Have been meaning to email you and pick your brain about life after publication. Stay tuned for an email from me. Look forward to catching up!!]
Life after publication is good – the book is out and there’s no way they can cancel it or stuff it back in! It’s too late! You’ve achieved a goal and it’s yours forever! Yes, it was great meeting you at Sarah’s too.
This topic has been discussed over at A Pratical Wedding.
http://apracticalwedding.com/2010/04/on-name-changing-and-weddings/
and
http://apracticalwedding.com/2010/05/on-name-changing-and-weddings-the-follow-up/
Very intersting comments after these articles. There are also discussions of the meaning of the word ‘wife’ going on.
When I got married, I took my husband’s name. First of all, because I love his last name (and my maiden name is pretty common) and secondly, because I like the sense of being a family with one family name.
I am from Germany originally and I had contemplated to keep my maiden name as my middle name (since I don’t have a middle name), but because of different rules in Germany where a middle name has to be a proper “given name”, I couldn’t keep my maiden name legally in Germany and decided to not do it in the States then either, because I didn’t want various ID’s with different information on it.
My first marriage I never asked myself the question regarding should or shouldn’t. I took his last name. It never fit. I never wore it with pride. As a computer programmer we tag our (computer) writing with our name and it felt like a loss to leave my old name behind. I’d worked hard to have made that name mean something. Divorced 15 years later and couldn’t change back to my maiden name fast enough and just knew that would be me for the rest of my life.
To my great surprise I married again (different man). This time I gave the name change thought. I concluded with two children I didn’t want to be a family with three last names so I took my husband’s. I’ve worn it proudly each and every day since (eight short years now).
I took my husband’s last name, and while it took a little while to get used to, I felt that rather than taking anything away from my identity, it added a new aspect.
What I really don’t like is being addressed as “Mrs. [husband's FIRST name, last name]“. To me that does feel like taking away my identity. Isn’t it funny how what we’re called influences our view of ourselves?
Wow–you weren’t kidding that this was (is!) a popular post! I love that you followed your gut in both legally changing your name to Rowley and in keeping Donnelley for professional purposes. I think women have to do whatever feels right, because there are so many arguments and counter-arguments, and reason just doesn’t suffice.
Thanks for your thoughts. I think I concluded what you did. I took my first husband’s last name and regretted it. In the time I was married to him, I earned my Master’s Degree, so my degree, thesis, a published book, and awards are under his name; a name that means nothing to me now. I wish I had hyphenated so at least my maiden name would have followed those accomplishments.
I am getting re-married and was thinking of hyphenating since I didn’t the first time. I’ve decided I don’t want to take the hyphenated name legally and personally (or even professionally), but have decided to take his name and hyphenate if I ever publish again.