Tomorrow
- 05
- 17
- 10
I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. My mind races. Painting dreams laced with lust. Hope. Hunger.
I want it.
It.
Not sure what it is. But it has a power over me. In its presence, I feel tiny. Tangled. Tortured. True.
In its presence, looming and large, the tears come. And, suddenly, my cheeks are wet with pride and fear and anticipation.
My heart hums and hollers with doubt and desire. Beneath skin that shivers. Even in the most harrowing heat.
What do you want? A wise voice whispers. This time, there is no ‘A.’
At first, these words soothe me. I nod. Smile sweetly. But inside me, awareness swells like a summer storm. There are A’s. There are always A’s.
Acceptance. Approval. Affirmation. Applause. Acclaim.
Because I am wired this way. Like an academic all-star. A resume robot. Wired to believe that if I stay up late enough and stress sufficiently and study hard, I will ace this.
But I know this time is different. Tomorrow is not an exam. It is just another day. A day where I will wake up. And walk. And wander into a big store. And approach a shelf. And pull a book from it.
The one I wrote. In between it all. Between leaving the law and raising babies and saying goodbye to Dad. Between things that challenged me and carried me and crushed me. Between things that conspired to make me Me.
To bring me here.
And I know it. Now. Ahead of time. Holding that book? My creation? The done deal? It will feel better than any A I’ve ever received.
So why isn’t that enough? Why isn’t this enough?
Why do I lust for more? Why do I always lust for more?
Is this life? Or is this me?
This post was inspired by the Lust topic for Momalom’s amazing Five for Ten challenge.
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- Have you ever lusted for something you weren’t able to articulate?
- Are you constantly striving for more and more and more?
Pretty please. With a big fat cherry on top.
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Aidan, I can’t even imagine how exciting (and simultaneously terrifying) this all must be for you. Several of my favorite writers have written about the anticipation, of how it feels to finally “arrive” (another “A” word), only to realize that there is no true arrival as a writer, only a journey. (And I can’t remember who it was, but the conclusion was something to the effect of “so you better damn well enjoy the journey.”)
I’ve only been reading your blog for the past few months (found you through Lindsey), but it is so clear to me from what you write that you are one who will (and does) enjoy the journey. And that matters so much. Even more than a best selling book on the shelf. (Though the best-selling thing would be nice too, now wouldn’t it?)
So happy & excited for you about tomorrow!!
i for one can’t wait … i’m proud to say i’ve read your rookie masterpiece and i adored it.
and those A’s … well, i relate.
xo
I think like Jo mentioned above, it’s not enough because you know it’s not the end of your journey
You’ve got more in you, and this is one of the lovely stops along the ride.
Can’t tell you how excited I was to get my “your order shipped!” email this morning
It’s definitely not just you, it’s life. Not wanting anything is a symptom of depression! We’re always wanting more, even when we’re completely happy with what we already have, and already have accomplished. It doesn’t make them any less.
I have no practical advice on how to cope with all this… but just know that us long-time readers are so excited for you! And to finally get to read and judge (just kidding!) your book
Tomorrow will be an incredible day! So proud of you!
xoxo
I can’t wait! I am in court all day tomorrow – last week of jury duty – but am going to try to get to the book store in the evening or during lunch break.
I relate to the A’s Acceptance. Approval. Affirmation. Applause. Acclaim.
Got a bad case of them typically.
So glad this is not you day of bowing to the A’s.
Just take your moment and enjoy the lusty thrill of it.
Amazon also told me my order shipped this morning. Yipee!!!! And congrats!!!
I have a case of the As. As Rebecca, pretty bad. So for those of us that are perfectionist overacheivers (or try to be), it’s life!
I think this is your body’s way of saying that you need to write many more. So you’ve got under way on the next one right?
You feel this way because it’s who YOU are. An achiever, a reacher. You won’t ever stop because you are fueled by your desire to do more. I know it well. I feel it too. It’s never easy, because you might just have a part that’s like me when you WANT it to be enough. To feel at rest. Enjoy this, the cusp of this new and exciting journey. Just like your children, it will grow and change faster than you can imagine and you’ll wonder where this moment went. Good luck!! We are all pulling for you.
Aidan (hey, there’s another A word): Everything I feel has already been more eloquently said by my fellow commenters, but I just want to add my voice to the chorus sharing with you its support, congratulations, and excitement at this particular pit-stop on your journey.
And it’s a beautiful book, Aidan. Really.
For better or worse, A (now it’s not seeming so coincidental that this is what I call you), we’re wired this way. So I don’t know if it’s life, but it’s definitely us! Tomorrow is going to be a major day in the best sense of the word. I can’t wait to spend at least some of it with you
Yay. Congrats. It really is so exciting.
I can’t tell you how much I related to your post. Yesterday I was talking to my mom about the stress and feelings of being overwhelmed and the fear of “not good enough” and she said “Remember when you said all you wanted was the deal? That if you sold your book you would be happy?” And of course I said that and I meant it, but now that that’s behind me… like you said… I lust for more more more. And I can hardly articulate to myself what I am lusting for, so how can I articulate it to others?
You did a great job articulating here though. Like I said, I could totally relate. But tomorrow will be a wonderful happy day! And like others have said, just a first step in the journey…
I can’t imagine the feeling, but just remember that we’re all rooting for you! (I pre-ordered the book when you first blogged about it, and I can’t wait to read it!! I can just tell it’s going to be great!)
Congratulations.
Congratulations on the book release! I plan on getting my copy after work on Wednesday!
Oooh, so exciting! I hope you can take a small step back from the nerves, from searching for signs of approval and applause, from the craziness of it all – just to be proud of yourself and revel in this important moment of your life. Soak it in!
Congrats. I am so happy for you. It’s human nature to want more after we achieve desired goals…get out there and grab life by the horns! You can do it!
Congrats on the book release! I cannot wait to go and buy it because I wanted the thrill of seeing it on a bookshelf and pulling it off knowing I “knew you!”
And I have a problem with the A’s too…that’s been the hardest transition out of school. At the end of each day, you are no longer graded or given feedback on your performance at your job or on your life in general…and to say it much less eloquently than you did- it is weird to not have that anymore.
Everyone has already said it, but I will echo their words nonetheless.
Congratulations. This whole process has been a marathon and you’re finally crossing the finish line. This is an Achievement (with a capital A) and you deserve to be fantastically proud of yourself. Enjoy today. Enjoy tomorrow. And enjoy the watershed transition into “published author.”
It is hard to believe that tomorrow is the day. I have been following your blog for some time now and May 18th seemed so far away.
Congratulations, Aidan. You have followed your heart, worked hard and here, now, is your reward. And like you said, this “will feel better than any A I’ve ever received”. This feeling is addicting, no?
Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!
Good luck for tomorrow! I suppose the next time I see your name, it’ll be on B&N shelves. =)
Aidan,
So excited for YOU! Celebrate. The first item on my to-do list for tomorrow: (1) Buying your book at the bookstore. Can’t wait to read it.
Oh A, and her A’s. You lust for more, my dear girl, because you lust for more. It is you. It is okay. It is good. And it is why you are in this moment. I have to believe this. I truly have to believe this. On the Eve of your book launch. Booksellers are unloading a new box and stacking up fresh copies on their tables and shelves for display. And there you are. Everywhere. All around the country. Your words. Your precious, heartfelt words. So if there is something wrong with lusting for more please tell me. Please, please tell me. You’ve made it here and if I know you at all by now, this is far from the end of the road. In fact, I would say, this is only the beginning.
We can’t ever get to a point where IT is enough. And we shouldn’t. I can’t imagine what you are experiencing now, not really. But I think you should embrace every emotion. And just go with it. YOU did it, Aidan. You wrote this book.
I’m just planning on hanging out at Border’s all day. I’ll just sit in a chair with your book in my hands and smile and laugh (if appropriate) and cry (if appropriate) and garner as much attention as I can. I may just hold up a florescent arrow that flashes pointing at your book on the shelf. I plan on not being subtle.
I’m thrilled for you. Really. And as I keep saying, YOU WROTE A BOOK. And it’s HITTING SHELVES. Not many can say that. And that’s an A in my book.
xo
I think you are hard-wired to lust for more. We all are. You’ll get it, though, of that I have no doubt.