When The Spotlight Isn’t On You
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So. I met a man. And we’re not talking about Husband.
Calm down. Many months ago, I met a fellow intrepid in these blogging waters and it happened to be a man. A husband. A father. A writer. I’m not sure how he found me, or me him, but finding did occur. I remember that we had a meaningful email exchange after I wrote a birthday letter to Mom. This man told me he loved this letter and that it made him cry. This man is the kind of man who would not care that I am telling you this.
His story is remarkable. Truly. He was motoring through life, a good life, as a bachelor. He spent a decade in the white-collar world before striking out to pursue his dream of being a writer. (Don’t you love this story already? It gets much better.) He met a woman who had a young daughter. He fell in love with this woman. They married. They decided to have a baby.
But then they got three. Yes, three. Triplets.
And so. This once-bachelor was suddenly awash in tiny creatures. A family man. A family man with a unique and exquisite story to tell. And so he told it. John published his book Tales from the Trips: How Three Babies Turned Our World Upside-Down in the past month. After spending months reading his words – heartfelt and hilarious – on his blog, I was thrilled when John sent me a copy of his book. And so. In no time, I lost myself in a story, his story, which is at once so personal and so universal.
One little part of the book struck me. Stayed with me. It’s toward the middle of the book and John compares his wife’s delivery of healthy triplets to a marathon he once ran. (No, he was not equating the two! That would probably not have gone over very well, huh ladies?) Anyway, John talks about something in these pages that resonated profoundly with me. He writes,
I left my daydream and opened my eyes and stared at my beautiful wife — the one who had just run the marathon of a multiple pregnancy. Against all odds she made it thirty-six weeks, shattering her initial goal of thirty, and had done better than anyone thought possible… And now she, too, was in a funk.
Granted [she] had a total physical meltdown that aided and abetted her funk, but even before the physical element came into play, she was nowhere near as euphoric as I would have expected her to be the day after crossing her finish line. Why? She was supposed to be happy. She was supposed to be relieved. She had done something incredible, something great. Why didn’t she feel that way?
It’s seldom if ever the obvious tells you who you are. That’s too easy, too surface, too shallow. The obvious usually gives you nothing more than instant gratification. It’s what you do when the spotlight isn’t on you that tells you who you are – that shapes how you feel about yourself. If you rely on the big-ticket moments, you’re relying on the wrong thing…
What do I love about this selection? Well, many things, but two in particular. First, there are “spotlight moments” in our lives when we feel this immense pressure to smile, to celebrate, to be euphoric. (Engagement, Wedding, Birth, Job Promotion, Book Publication.) But the reality is that it doesn’t always work this way. We are complicated creatures and sometimes our purest joy manifests at odd and unpredictable times (bagging apples at the grocery store, PJ dance party with little girls, waiting on line at Starbucks). Second, who we are and how we feel and act in our “spotlight moments” does not truly define who we are. Rather, and as John points out, it is who we are between these big milestone moments of grandeur, the more subtle moments, that matters, that defines who we really are.
Ultimately, John’s book, well-written and moving beyond measure, is a love letter to the family he never he imagined he’d have.
And what a beautiful family it is.
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- Do you agree that it is not our “spotlight moments” that define us?
- Have you ever experienced moments when you felt you should be happy, but were instead in a funk?
- Fellow mothers – how did you feel immediately after the birth of your children?
- Has life surprised you in any way comparable to the way the triplets surprised John?
- Do you agree that the world needs more men who are not afraid to gush about their families?
- Is John’s family maybe the most adorable family you have ever seen? (Next to your own, of course!)
****GIVEAWAY: Please leave a comment here before 6am EST tomorrow (5/7/10) for a chance to win a signed copy of John’s new book Tales from the Trips! or if you are not inclined to leave a digital trail of words, just go ahead and order it! Come on, guys, this good man has four little mouths to feed 
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ILI DAILY CHARM: WANT FRIENDS?
Whether new to blogging or a veteran in this world, you can never have too many digital connections and comrades. I met so many of my lovely and loyal blogging buds via a wonderful event called Five for Ten over at the incomparable blog Momalom. The fantastic news? This sister duo is at it again! Please click here for details on Five for Ten (starts Monday 5/10, so sign up now!) I will elaborate on the amazingness (nope, not a word) of Five for Ten tomorrow, but head on over today to check it out. Just do it! You won’t be sorry.
Yes! Yes, this is SO TRUE. The everyday moments, the ordinary, the decidedly non-spotlight moments are the telling ones. And John describes it so beautifully. I think about moments like making dinner together with my husband, doing chores around the house, walking the dog, paying the bills… mundane little things like this are what make up our days and our life. And if we approach them with an open mind and heart, with generosity and love, that is what makes a good life. THANK YOU for this inspiration and for introducing us to John and his story.
Absolutely! Life exists in the tiny moments. And therein lies the challenge to find grace in the ordinary.
“Life is what happens while we’re busy making other plans,” no?
Hi Aiden,
Yes, your lead on on Twitter worked … here I am. Interesting question about spotlight moments. I suppose there are the spotlight moments that grow out of what you think you should be doing and the spotlight moments that grow out of what you want to be doing. Only you know the true difference.
When it’s the latter, spotlight moments make you feel like the hero/heroine of your own life. I’d always wanted to be a singer, but never thought I could sing. Fate brought me to a place where I met someone who introduced me to the world of song and encouraged me to take it up. Now, I have spotlight moments whenever I get up to sing.
It’s the best …
Giulietta, Inspirational Rebel
“Have you ever experienced moments when you felt you should be happy, but were instead in a funk?”
Oh, Aidan, many, many, many times. I can’t really control my moods. I can’t order up happiness and serenity to go. But of course, that doesn’t stop me from freaking the eff out when they abandon me in my moment of ‘spotlight’ need. Instead, all I can do, is concentrate on living a full life, looking for happiness every day, and feeling content in my own skin.
a few things here.
thank you.
book website is http://talesfromthetrips.com.
we “met” when we were both leaving comments for theJackB. you left out the cauliflower connection. i believe that played a part.
you picked out one of my favorite parts of the book, and you nailed what i was trying to convey.
uncanny that you essentially call my book an open love letter from one man to his family. that’s exactly what it is, and i’ve described it as such many times.
and finally…when people ask me what this book is about, i ask them what Marley and Me is about. b/c on the one hand, the answer is a dog, but that comes up short, just like saying this book is about triplets sells it short. this book is about love, and it’s both, as you point out, specific and universal. which brings me to my point…your blog is EXACTLY like that. you often chronicle personal moments here, yet there ones that everyone can relate to and they spark great debate. that, along with your fantastic writing and wonderful sense of humor, is what keeps us all coming back for more.
thanks, again, Aidan. can’t wait to read yours!
Ah, yes. Now it is coming back to me. We “met” right around the time I published Broccoli & Cheetos (a.k.a. My Life) – http://www.ivyleagueinsecurities.com/2009/11/broccoli-cheetos-a-k-a-my-life/. How amazing to bond over a mutual affection for broccoli and cauliflower. I have yet to make your famous gruyere cauliflower, but it is on my never-ending to-do list.
Thanks for popping by, John. I hope people check out your blog today. Pretty impressive that you are interviewing Dooce! Click, people – http://johncaveosborne.com/2010/05/06/the-dooce-is-mild-2/
Cheers to cauliflower and the connections it creates!
I say “Yes” and “No” at the same time. Certain landmark moments have been every bit as dazzling and important as I expected, while others sometimes leave you with a “This is it?” feeling.
However, I agree that you can be blindsided by a spectacular moment – a kiss in a movie theater parking lot, a carride conversation with your mom, a perfect lilac bush on a summer night – This is one of the great joys of life. Surprising Spectacles.
A few quick remarks:
1) You wrote waiting on line at Starbucks).
Not that it matters but that is a distinct East Coast comment. We wait in line for Starbucks or go online to read our favorite blogs. Not a big deal, but I find those sorts of observations to be interesting.
2) John’s story is very compelling. It sounds like it could be the basis for a sitcom, but it is real. One of my favorite blogs to read indeed. He wears a skirt quite nicely- see the picture.
3) Spotlight moments- when you spend months preparing for a big moment it can be very tough to really enjoy it because they don’t always live up to all the hype we assign to them.
Thank you for shining the spotlight on this new (for me) author and blogger. I have a dear friend with multiples who would love this book! And life surprises? How does waiting for adoptive son to arrive and you find out you’re eight weeks pregnant sound? And no, it DOESN’T happen all the time because there are 10 years between adopted daughter and adopted son to prove it. And only 10 months between adopted son and bio-son. Surprised? That would be an understatement!
I’ve had a spotlight moment that I’d never expected. Two years ago this Memorial Day, my husband and I had decided to trial-seperate, but I had already invited all our friends and family over for the picnic. I had the picnic anyway. When I made the invites, I thought hosting our first big party in our new house would be a “spotlight moment”. It turns out, my spotlight moment was hosting a party with my four children while I really held it together. I kept it real, but controlled. I had no idea I possessed the coping skills necessary for such a task. We went through hell and back for over a year before we reconciled our marriage (thankfully), and what I learned along the way about my survival skills was invaluable.
Staying in the moment in the lives of the people I’m in relationships with also provides many opportunities for unexpected spotlight moments; moments to shine for them and ones to bask in their light for me. I would ultimately like the measure of what defines me to be the moments where I’m placing the emphasis of importance upon others and being aloud to experience their joy in that. Very little makes me happier.
Once again, great topic Aidan. Thanks also for the introduction to your friend. New perspectives are so interesting, and yours never fail to be just that!
i got chills reading this. i’m so glad you made it through, not to mention that you reconciled. might i suggest that the little things you did all along the way, the ones when the spotlight wasn’t on you, is what created the strength and sense of self necessary to get you to the other side.
beautifully expressed, and i just wanted to tell you!
Thank you, John. As someone who does NOT have a blog or written a book (or come anywhere remotely close), it is quite reassuring to read your words. I’m out of my comfort zone here, so maybe I’m making headway.:)
Tara! Congrats on the reconciliation. I just wanted to offer my email in friendship, as hubby and I have done the same thing.
I do not yet have a blog either (or a book), but I’m thinking of starting one (a blog, not a book), but have yet to find a “theme” that isn’t already taken. Would love ideas/ contributions.
Nicole Larsen – nicole@ioutsource.com
I agree with Jack about spotlight moments and the “hype” we assign to them. My other issue with big moments or occasions is that they often involve big groups which are where some people thrive. I like small groups or one on one situations. For me, the birth of my boys was fantastic partially because I had no expectations and also because it was me, my husband and the baby initially. With 8 siblings between us it didn’t say that way for long. Pick me! I want to read the book since I can’t read your book yet.
After my son was born, I just wanted to hold him and stare. (Oh and something to eat!) I did not want visitors, to be forced to smile and be “social.” I was happy, but didn’t want to be REQUIRED to show it any certain way.
I can’t imagine after 3. I’d lock the door for a few weeks, I think!
This is awesome and this book sounds like a great read. I have to agree that you can’t live for the big moments, but it feels like that is what life is sometimes- living from one “spotlight moment to the next.” At the beginning it seems like there are a lot, graduations, marriage, babies but then it seems like they might trail off and when it gets down to it you have to live for the small everyday moments. Sometimes I feel like people only judge you by what they see in the spotlight moments or how many spotlight moments you have, they don’t see you in the small ones- when you small talk with an older person at the grocery story, when you help someone with their stuff or when you throw the change from your Chipotle into the tip jar when no one is looking. But thank you for pointing out that is what really should define us and what life is all about- the “backstage moments.”
I definitely experienced moments where I should be ecstatic but instead a funk occured…i think after I got married I felt that a little bit mostly because you plan and plan and plan all building up to that day…that wonderful day that goes so fast, and then like that…it’s over…it can be quite a shock to your system to no longer have a goal etc. to plan for!
Its the unnoticed random acts of kindness that define my life, not the rare moments in the spotlight that define me.