How Do You See Yourself?
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It was indeed very fitting that the day I chose to write about Toddler’s new glasses, I picked her up from camp and she ran at me waving a colorful piece of paper, saying, “Mommy, look what I made! It’s me!” And in the hallway of Preschool, I studied it, the masterpiece above, and smiled. Big.
Her first self-portrait.
Sure, I’m proud of her artistic prowess, amazed that she is old enough to draw a picture of an identifiable person, but really, I am in love with the portrait itself (which we will frame and hang in the purple room which the girls will share thanks to a mixture of our instincts and your advice!). Why? Because of its sweet simplicity. Note that there is no hair, no clothes, no glasses. There aren’t even hands or feet (hey, she’s all of three). There are no accessories. It’s just her. My girl. Know what else I love? That the smile is huge. That this little creature is awash in color. I know I am biased, but if you showed me this picture, I would say, The artist is a happy kid.
I adore this portrait for other, more selfish, reasons. Because it brings me back many years to a time when the world was rainbow and new. A time when big people (teachers) asked us an important question: How do you see yourself? A time when we were left to our own devices, our own imaginations, our own watercolors and crayons, to create. And our creations? They were lovely no matter what.
How do you see yourself?
When did people stop asking us this question? When did things change? When did it become a bit irrelevant how we see ourselves? When did it become more critical how others see us? When did the sublime swirls of color give way to prudent boxes of beige, soothing and safe, that appeal to the masses?
We do not need to go back in time. We don’t even need construction paper or paint. We can ask ourselves and each other this question without the paraphernalia of preschool.
How do you see yourself?
And we can answer. Or try to. Our answers might be clumsy because we are out of practice. After so many years of worrying how the world sees us, we might not really know, or remember, how we see ourselves. But I think it is important, imperative even, that we try.
And so I will go first.
How do I see myself?
I am a wife and mother who does not know what she is doing, but loves what she is doing. An incurable girl who is one part responsibility and one part rebellion. Depending on the day, I am riddled with pathetic insecurity or exquisite confidence. I care too much about superficial things (numbers, quintessential success, appearances) but I also care too much about deep things. I am quite needy. I need: to be praised, to be loved, to be respected, to be needed. I write because I love it. I do my best writing when I am sad or scared. I am a work-in-progress at once seeking and shunning completion of the existential portrait that is me.
[Thank you, dear Toddler, for making me proud and making me think.]
How do you see yourself?
ILI DAILY CHARM
To see more amazing self-portraits, please check out my friend Kira Zmuda’s fantastic blog The Mathematics of Glamour.
I often wonder why I find this question so hard to answer. I think the problem is I see a different me than others see. I am a woman who is still looking for the right path. I have been on right paths and wrong ones throughout my life and now am floundering again. I have a confidence that I will find the path but do not know when which scares me. I long to be needed, loved, praised, respected, wanted. I long to love, provide support, respect, want, need.
Writing is my way of trying to find that path. Is it single? Will someone walk with me? Is it where I physically am now? Or is it some place else? The questions outweigh the answers right now.
I agree with Nicki, this is a hard question. I’m someone who questions myself every step of the way, even as I’m learning to trust my instincts. I’m someone who always wonders what others are thinking. I’m someone who doesn’t want to be judged, yet has a hard time not judging others (I’m working on that). I’m my own worst critic.
But I’m also a mother, a wife, a sister, daughter and woman. I’m learning, growing and coming into my own as a stay-at-home mom. And I wouldn’t change my world for anything.
I feel like at any given time I am stuck between worlds. Those with money and those without. Those with education and those without. I am the quirkiest non-comformist in my professional life and in other areas of life I appear to be a straight-laced conformist. When it comes to my family and the way I run my home and life I am especially mature and responsible but there are times when I drive in the car by myself listening to some ridiculous loud hip hop song and loving it.
Here lies the disconnect between how we see ourselves, who we know ourselves to be, and how others see us. We are all so many things at once. We are impossible to define and yet we all must define others to create order in the world around us.
Okay, so doesn’t really answer the question. Probably because, as Nicki writes, it is such a hard question to answer. Hmm, I wasn’t planning on doing any thinking today. I just blew that one.
Celeste, I think you nailed it: We are all so many things at once. And I would add, who we are – all the different versions of ourselves – are often contradictory.
I crave order and routine and financial security and external badges of success. Yet I hate routine, get bored, know in my heart that money and external success don’t matter… I want to dance and go the movies at noon on Wednesday and write on Saturday night and be a nomad – live here, there, everywhere. Be free! No constraints. But I like traditions and creating new ones. I revel in the simple rhythm of life.
So how do I see myself? As a work in progress. A dreamer. A writer. A thinker. A lover. A friend. A quaking mass of nerves and insecurities but also someone who has the utmost belief in myself.
Another nice essay. I love her drawing too. It is absolutely joyful.
I am a student of life. A lover of love. A child of God. A listener, a cynic, a cheerleader. Humble, wicked, frivolous, contemplative. Inspired by nature, beauty, intellectual pursuits, sparkles, sprinkles, fuzzy soft blankets, salty warm seashore breezes. Finding my way, as best I can, each day. Seeking to follow in the footsteps of God, feel the golden glow of that divine love, and share it through a smile or touch, with my fellow life travelers.
I do my best writing when I am sad or scared.
The most authentic writing comes from raw emotion or so I would argue. Some of the best things that I have ever written come from those moments. And I think that sometimes I don’t like reading that stuff because it is too raw and I dislike how I see myself there.
Right now, I see myself as a frustrated mother who will make the right choice – my Youngest wants on the computer to play Sprouts.
I’ll be back later to catch up on all your posts, when everyone else is asleep…
So, so much to comment on! I just read the ‘glasses’ post and while I already know that You and Husband are (from a teacher’s stand point) AMAZING parents, you handled that situation really well. Times have changed, I know, but when I was a kid (7 years old — much older than Toddler) I used to lie to my parents and doctors about my poor vision because I thought glasses would make me a ‘loser’. I already had braces at age 7 and I didn’t want to stand out anymore. I refused to wear glasses until I was 15 and learning to drive (which in California is necessary). So I finally got contacts at the age of 15, passed my driving test but now that I am 32 I have to see a vision specialist on the East Side because my astigmatism went untreated for so long. So I say kudos to you for picking up on Toddler’s vision so early on!
Now, on to Toddler’s art. You should be proud of it, naturally! Toddler has always had an inclination for art. I agree with every bit of your ‘analysis’ about the simplicity and happiness and color. But what strikes me the most is her use of brush strokes. To me, that painting symbolizes not just a happy and care free child, but one who is well adjusted (note how she paints the face, arms and legs ‘in the lines’ and then expresses her freedom and creativity with her color choices around the figure). I also love the different background brush strokes — mixing and swirls and color blending. This self portrait makes *me* feel happy!
How do we see ourselves? At Toddler’s age one only knows the world according to oneself. Funny that you bring up this topic because I was discussing something similar with my mom last month. For me, personally, I thought I was ‘beautiful, funny, cute, smart’ until First Grade. And why would I have thought differently? My parents praised me, my pre school teachers were great, my kindergarten teachers encouraged my creativity. But in First grade I had a *mean* teacher. She told me I had ‘poor’ handwriting and I ‘lacked’ math skills. I was 6 and old enough to understand what those words meant. It was the time I had ever heard (from what I considered an authority figure) that I wasn’t good enough.
How do I see myself now? I will answer that question when I see you in person. All I can say is that what you are doing for Toddler and Baby (who is not a baby anymore…hee) is everything that my parents did right. You are not only a brilliant writer but a truly excellent mother.
I’m going to simply answer this hard question without putting any forethought into it so that I can answer it honestly. I had learned at an early age to always look good on the outside no matter how bad it looks on the inside. Thats what my parents taught us. “Look good for the neighbors”. Anyway I lost myself in that therefore its difficult to see how I really see myself. I’ll give it a try… I see myself as a woman who tries too hard when I really don’t have to. I am sensitive and compassionate and those qualities are felt by others as I’m the “go-to” girl when someone is hurting and needs someone to simply talk to, I’m a good listener. I’m not good at sharing how I’m feeling because then my insides will show. I am a good mother and a very caring wife. I am very open-minded and I can honestly say that I never ever pass any judgement on another because working in emergency services has taught me that no one ever knows anothers true story.
Thanks for the question.. it was good for me to think this out and I’m sure I’ll be pondering this some more.
Someone once asked me “who are you when no one is looking?”. I ask myself that from time to time.
I see myself as someone desperate not to care what others think – yet we all know how that works. As someone who loves her sons so much it scares her to the core to be so exposed. As someone who pretends she really doesn’t need anyone – it’s easier to believe that then to think about losing those I can’t live without.
A pretender. The typical woman/mother?
I’m sure tomorrow it will be different, and I’ll find my footing. Again, typical woman/mother.
My self portraits are all abstracts. I rarely focus on my physical appearance. The bright colors I splash over a steel grey, black or enamel white background reflect my optimism in dealing with the disenfranchised. I approach problems like a paint ball ejected at top speed, so I often think of my best work as a colorful splat of good intentions on the universe.
I went through a process called Style Statement which really helped me to answer this question and dig deep (if you are interested, check out http://www.stylestatement.com). After reading the book, I define myself as Sacred Inspiration – I am constantly doing activities that are sacred to connect with my deeper self – meditating, walking in nature, exploring things like astrology and tarot, etc… and I live from a place of constant inspiration – I love to be inspired,especially by the creative and performing arts and I seek out and appreciate newness. For anyone struggling to put words to who they are and what they are about, I highly recommend Style Statement.