Missing Pieces
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I am excited because tonight I host my fourth Happier Hour – a gathering of wine, women, and words. For those of you who are new here, the idea behind Happier Hours is that how we spend the hours of our days – thus our lives – matters immensely and the happier these hours are, the happier we are. What makes us happier? Connection and conversation. Oh, and a cocktail can’t hurt either.
Tonight’s event will be held at the exquisite Pure Yoga West and I am thrilled that the lovely and talented Dani Shapiro will be our speaker. Dani, a writer and thinker whom I respect deeply, will talk about her most recent book Devotion and the myriad questions it raises about life and faith. I have no doubt tonight will be chock full of insights and ideas and I will fill you in tomorrow. But, for now, I leave you with some of Dani’s words. Words about being somewhere in the middle of life. Words about identity. Words about the puzzle that is self.
Read these words. Recognize yourself in them.
Who was I, and what did I want for the second half of my life? I mean, I was in the middle of life, the middle of midlife, the middle of a midlife crisis. I had been shaped by choices and decisions, not all of them conscious. I had turned left instead of right; had taken (or not taken) the trip, the flight, the challenge, the chance. Everything I had ever done had led me here — and while here wasn’t a bad place at all, it also wasn’t enough. Some essential piece of me was missing, and in the quiet of the country I had an opportunity to figure out what, exactly, that missing piece was.
Devotion, page 123
Once upon a time, the idea of the middle, of being middle-aged, seemed utterly foreign and a bit icky. For I was a kid. Young. At the beginning. But now things are different. Yes, I am older. Yes, I have a family. Yes, I’m more squarely in the middle of my life. But there’s something else. Something more universal than this. Something simple and big I’m just realizing: We are all in the middle, really. We are all in the middle of two facts, two existential bookends, we can’t escape or deny - birth and death – seated in the days of our life. And here, in this middle spot, we can look in a few directions. We can look back. We can look forward.
We can look in.
And when we look in, if we are honest in our viewing like Dani is on the page’s of her fine book, we can see pieces. Pieces of who we are. Who we once were. Who we’ve become. Who we might be one day. We can also see that there are empty spots, ineffable and elusive, waiting to be noticed, and maybe filled. We can see that there are pieces of us missing even if we don’t understand these pieces. And this is okay. Exciting, even. Because we are only in the middle. There are more days to live. If we are lucky, many of them. And those days? Perhaps they should be spent, in part, asking the big questions, figuring out what the missing pieces might be. And how we might find them.
Thank you, Dani, for making me think, for making us all think. I look forward to tonight!
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- Do you agree that in some profound and equalizing sense we are all in the middle?
- Do you feel that part of living life is identifying the pieces of who we are, and what pieces might be missing?
- Do you think that people who profess that they are “complete” are in fact missing something? (I do.)
I do think people are missing something when they profess to be complete–how can you ever be completely satisfied with where you are and done learning, growing and hoping?
Or maybe I’m just the type of person who doesn’t want to get to that place. How incredibly boring and unauthentic to get to a place where one is content to state: “I have arrived.”
There’s always more to experience and I always feel like I can look in and work on something that is missing.
Do you agree that in some profound and equalizing sense we are all in the middle? Yes, I would agree.
Do you feel that part of living life is identifying the pieces of who we are, and what pieces might be missing? Yes I do.
Do you think that people who profess that they are “complete” are in fact missing something? (I do.) Yes, because no person is complete, as long as we are living we are learning.
I agree with you on the concept of ‘complete’. All life is constantly evolving and changing. I think to be complete means stagnation and no room for growth. That’s the beauty of life, there is no ONE correct path. We know the beginning and the end but the journey is the best part, some of us take a left turn and some take a right, we may end up together in the process and then take different turns throughout. And the beauty is, our different experiences on this journey is what we bring to the table to share with others. This sharing and exchange of information is what gets us thinking, moving and doing. That’s the beauty of life, so much to take in!
Your Happier Hour is a great concept. I’ve been part of a Women & Wine Social that is very similar. Have fun tonight!
I so wish I could have come down tonight. Unfortunately, the date did not work out for me. Hope you all have a fantastic time.
Oh my goodness, I LOVED Devotion. Wrote a post about it myself just last week. There was so much to that book that resonated with me. One of the most beautiful I’ve ever read. I’m looking inside a lot these days, some of what I’ve found surprises, most is wonderful, some not so much. But all of it is about finding what’s inside so I can move forward.
Have a great time tonight!!
It depends on your definition of completion. To say that you are complete, that you are content with who you are, that is a good thing. To say that you no longer want to strive or search, that is stagnation. I am perfectly happy at this stage in my life, but I am still looking forward to the next stage, still moving toward it. If I die tonight, I will have lived a full life. If I die sixty years from now, I will have lived a full life.
To say ones cup is full does not mean one is never searching for more. It just means that the cup has the ability to keep expanding, the more that one pours into it.
What an interesting set of questions. I believe we all have missing pieces, though some of us have more of them than others, and are more driven to find them. Or at least, to make sense of their importance.
As for being in the middle – I’d say we’re all in the “midst” more than in the middle. We can truly be at the top of our game (or at the bottom), but we don’t have sufficient coordinates to recognize it at the time. We can be at the beginning of something (equally unaware), or at the end (likewise).
As for middle-age, or mid-career, or some of those more traditional “middles” – believe me, like “middle school,” when you’re actually there, in the thick of it, you’ll know it. Your body will be telling you in no uncertain terms, and it’s far more than philosophy; it is harsh reality.
But even with harsh reality comes perspective and hopefully grace. Regardless of what’s missing, and where in the many spectrums of achievement or “being” you may find yourself.
Hi Aidan, I enjoyed Devotion and am so wishing I could join you all tonight.
Your first question resonates profoundly with me. I called my blog the halfway point because no matter where I am, I feel I’m always halfway to where I’d like to find myself (and not in comparison or competition with others). That halfway point is full of awareness and cluelessness, faith and doubt, thinking and feeling, confidence and insecurity, flow and friction, choice and chance (loved that phrase you used the other day).
As for the missing pieces, I think these are the holes we fill in with oh, productivity, spirituality, shopping trips, joy and happiness, friendships, art, stories, knowledge, and so on. Overtime, I’d like to think that we can get better at choosing these hole-fillers.
I love this post and I love the concept that being in the “middle” of something is a good thing because we still can make more of it and look forward. I was feeling “blah” this morning as I just had a birthday and I feel like the best days were behind me. That is such a wrong attitude. I feel so much better and optimistic after reading your post (I also loved Dani Shapiro’s book). Have fun tonight. Wish I could be there but I’m traveling for work. – Amy
Great post (and comments). Sorry I can’t join you and Dani at Pure (love Pure). It’s my husbands’ birthday and made the “devoted” choice to be with him but I can’t wait to hear about the discussion. I do think we are always in the middle and I kind of like it that way. It does remind me of the song “stuck in the middle with you” which I also like.
Aidan,
I’ve picked up Devotion (based on recommendations from fellow bloggers), but have yet to read it. I can’t wait to read it after hearing yet another thoughtful recommendation.
I think we are all influx, looking and waiting, hoping and expecting, moving forward and backwards all at the same time. The time in between these moments are cracks that we attempt to fill with other things, whether it be reading, watching TV, writing, working, or in some cases, doing nothing. A part of us is always missing because I think we are all looking for something and even when we find it, we fixate on something else, starting the cycle over.
Have a nice time tonight.
I hope you all have a wonderful time! I’m ready to dive in and read Devotion AGAIN
I just finished her Novel, Black and White, and am such a fan of Dani’s words.
Enjoy!!!
I always tell people that I am going to live to be 130. I am 41 now so that means that I am still just a pup. Got years and years of living before I hit the middle and even more before I am old.
Way I see it life is just starting.
Ah, I love this post. I love the idea of taking the time to look within, to realize that we are in the middle. Always in the middle of something. And we are always making choices. Choices to be happy, to begin something new or end something old. And I certainly have never felt like I was complete and I hope to ever feel that way.
I’m definitely thinking I should check out Dani Shapiro’s book!