The Bedroom Dilemma
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After a long, hot day, you two retire to that small room with that big bed. That waiting cloud, puffy with pillows. You slip out of your clothes, fold them carefully and put them away. You grab your favorite pair of pajamas and step in. You are brushing your teeth in the bathroom when you feel it. A familiar hand on your waist. A playful finger tucks into the waistband of your pajama bottoms. Pleasantly startled, you turn. Drop your toothbrush. Your head throbs with details and doubts from your day, aches with the sharp stuff of reality, but still you smile…
Hold up. As much fun as it might be, this blog is not the place for quasi-erotic domestic snippets. Sorry. The title of this post is not entirely deceiving though. I do have a bedroom dilemma. But it concerns my daughters. Not so racy, I know.
Again, sorry.
In less than three weeks, after more than three years of dreaming and planning and work, we are moving into our new home. Once upon a time, I documented the progress of this home on this blog under the clever title Happy Headache. It was fun to trace the progress of our renovation here, but then I stopped. Not sure why. Anyway, we are moving. Soon. And in our new place, the girls will each have a wonderful room.
Toddler’s is purple.
Baby’s is blue.
But.
As many of you know, we just returned from an extended vacation and during said vacation – to the woods, the farm, and the beach – the girls shared a room the whole time. Husband and I were a bit worried about this arrangement because our kids have different sleep schedules. But we rolled with it. And you know what? Everything went well. Better than well. The girls loved being in the same room. Every morning and evening, Husband and I listened to their conversations, precocious and precious, on a sound monitor. Over the course of the two-plus weeks, Toddler taught Baby how to sing her ABCs, Twinkle Twinkle, and Itsy Bitsy Spider. Post-vacation Baby is far more verbal than pre-vacation Baby. And the girls? More so than ever, they are best buds.
Now. Now we are home and the girls are back in their own rooms. They don’t appear overly sad about this. They are indeed adaptable little critters. But I’m a bit sad about this. Because there are no longer those amazing conversations to spy on at the opening and close of the day. There are no longer the impromptu music lessons. Or the quiet discipline. (At a certain point every night, Toddler would say firmly to her signing sister, “It’s bedtime now. No more books. No more songs. No more Mommy and Daddy.”) The tight togetherness, surprisingly harmonious, was temporary. We are now back to our world of sisterly separation.
And so. I find myself in the thicket of another parenting dilemma. Yes, we have designed two separate rooms for our two girls in the new place, but should we use them or should we put our little creatures in the same room? It is worth noting that Husband and I are leaning toward having a third child at some point, so the girls will likely share sometime in the relatively near future anyway.
This might not seem like a big deal to you. Or a genuine dilemma. But it is to me. Because I grew up sharing a room with all of my sisters. We all bunked in a giant green dorm of sorts and I slept on a top bunk. It was absolute chaos, but I loved it. There was never a lack of laughter or drama or friendship in that room. And this was such an important aspect of my childhood that I actually wrote my college essay about it.
So. This question matters to me. And I have a mere eighteen days to decide what to do. And so I’m asking you to weigh in here. Because you all have experiences. As kids who shared rooms or didn’t. As parents whose kids share rooms or don’t.
(Help. Pretty please.)
What do you guys think? Give the girls their own space or let them bunk together?
If you like my writing or me (or the wallpaper in my kids’ rooms) or you simply want to make me smile big, please buy my book (which is considerably more spicy than this post)!
My sister and I had our own rooms until we were nine (me) and twelve (her). Then we moved, and had to share a room. There were times when we hated it, but overall we became better friends for it. Oh yes, I remember those whispered, giggled conversations under the covers, hushing when Dad came to the bottom of the stairs so we wouldn’t get in trouble for talking when we were supposed to be sleeping, the bonding that happened, the life lessons that came from having to share a space and respect each other’s things.
Like I said, there were some problems – my sister loved hazelnut-scented candles, and they made me sick to my stomach; she liked to go to sleep with the tv or radio on, and I needed absolute silence; her clothes inevitably spilled into my closet while my Legos crept over to her floor – but because we had to, we navigated those tricky waters and came out better for it.
So yes, I am all for sharing rooms!
Since your daughters are so close in age, and so well-mannered together I say go for it. They will likely grow closer. My sister and I were about 5 years apart. I resented her clingy little sister ways. And we didn’t share much in common growing up. Now that we are adults with kids and homes and such we are great friends, but I know that we wouldn’t have lasted bunking together. But it sounds like you could start together and always move to separate rooms if it doesn’t work out, right? I think that purple paper is really funky. Was it there, or did you put that up? Very bold choice.
Enjoy the day!
Erin
I think you should try moving them both into one room (the purple one! the purple one! It’s so divinely girly!) and see how it goes. Make the other one a playroom for now and you can turn it into a nursery when the time comes. If it turns out to be a disaster, separate them. They’re only this little for a short time, and once they get to be pre-teens and teenagers they will most definitely crave their own space. But for now they probably don’t care all that much. (Keep in mind I have no children, I’m just basing it off the facts you provided).
I had a similar experience when we were renovating my son’s room (installing built-in cabinetry etc). My kids had a blast sleeping in my daughter’s room and we suddenly wondered why we were going through the expense and mess of renovation. Ultimately, we did put them in their own rooms more because it seemed silly not to when we had the space, (and had already invested heavily in Superman decor which clashed with my daughter’s cornflower blue and green floral motif). But they still have “sleepovers.”
In your shoes, I would likely base it on practical things like do you want toddler to have a double bed, have you already purchased furniture for each room that can or cannot be melded. And if it the answer is that their sharing can easily be done and you are definitely having a third baby, I might ask toddler what she wants. She might surprise you.
I would put them in together. But, and this may seem strange, have you thought of asking Toddler what she thinks?
Put them together! They are so little still and don’t need the privacy that teenagers long for. I relished having my own space when I grew up (after age 10 or so) but before that, even though I had my own room, I loved being with my little sis. We shared a room on the weekend with our Dad and we had so much fun together. To this day, when I lie on a bed and look at my sister, she looks to me like she did when I was 3 and she was 5. I wouldn’t trade that for anything.
Love the rooms! I think I’d try out putting them together, with the other as a play room. If it doesn’t work out so well a couple months down the road, then split them back up.
As the oldest of 6, I spent all of my childhood with sibling roommates. There are always issues with “my” space vs. “your” space (up to and including masking tape dividers!) but since your girls are so little, that’s probably a long way off for the most part. There is something about sharing a room that makes you even closer to your sibs, something that just doesn’t happen when separated by the option to just go into your own room. It fosters the ability to compromise from a young age. I don’t think just because you have the space means that they need to be separate. The other room could, for now, be a guest bedroom, a playroom, a funky space of your own design for the needs of your family right now, with a built-in solution when/if you expand that family. While I’m sure you know it won’t always be the joyful sharing it was on vacation, as fights and tantrums will happen, it seems that the benefits may far outweigh the negatives. Yay to sharing! (and I agree with Kaela, the purple one is so cool…it would be such a fun space for both girls!!)
I say put them together when you move then they expect that in the new house, instead of having to move them together when you have another baby.
We put the boys together a couple of months ago, and I was so worried about it. But they adore it! I love walking into their room at night seeing my 2 boys sound asleep, in the same room. They do wake up earlier now, because one always wakes the other up, but I don’t regret it at all, and am kicking myself for not doing it sooner, I could have had an office these last 3 years!
IMHO, I would say move them into the same room (I adore the purple one). It seems that they will learn from each other and teach each other beyond being friends. If something happens and it doesn’t work anymore, then move them into their own rooms. This is a wonderful dilemma to have, so it seems.
I shared a room with my sister, two years younger, until we were 15. About 12, I started pining for my own room (the gap between 10 and 12 is much greater than, say, 4 and 6…). Until then, though, I think it was good for us. Certainly, there were fights, but as an adult I look back and think it was a good idea. Try it! And, as many have said, if it doesn’t work, move them!
My brother (yes brother) and I shared a bedroom from the time he was 6 months old until the time I went to college – about 14 years. Yes, it was out of necessity, but I know that the forced closeness in space produced a genuine and lasting closeness in life. I’m not sure I would recommend the length of time we shared, but I think siblings who have to share rooms for some period of time (until one gets to be, I don’t know, 12) learn skills of compromise, sharing, and the making of one’s own fun, that are difficult to come by when isolated.
I have so many memories of the silly stuff we did and very few of them involve his tearing off Barbie’s head and throwing it out the window. We joke about the hardship because it seems the thing to do, but looking back I would be sad if we hadn’t had all those silly times together in OUR room.
So I say bunk them together!
Even though I grew up in homes with more than enough bedrooms my parents always “made us” share a room. I have three sisters and we rotated sometimes, but mostly it was my immediately younger sister and me and then the twins. My parents felt it encouraged cooperation, companionship, tolerance, patience, and any other wonderful skill sharing can encourage. With my children now (even our home has more than enough bedrooms) our boys share a room. As you mentioned in your post, the giggles, the laughter, the stories they share with each other at bedtime – priceless.
I say let them room together now. That will make the transition easier down the road.
My two younger sisters shared a room together when they where younger and to this day they are very close. I think that it was a great experience for them.
Hello!
I want to add my voice to the crowd supporting the idea of having the girls share a room. We have space for our boys to have their own rooms, but they’ve shared a room since Tiny Baby was about four months old and it has worked out surprisingly well. One of the best parts of our day is listening to them “talk” after we put them down for the night. Having them share a room also makes travel so much easier: they’re used to bunking together and don’t need their own space. I’m sure we’ll revisit the question when they get older, but, for now, it works.
But I did also think about Nicki’s suggestion: have you asked Toddler what she thinks?
Keep us posted!
I shared a room with my two brothers and my sister at one point–then my brothers got their own rooms and it was just me and my sister. It worked well until we were late-teens (high school), then we started bickering a lot more and I didn’t like it much. When we were younger, I really liked sharing a room.
Where did you get that purple wallpaper? I love it!
Since a couple of you have asked, I thought I’d chime in and say that we have asked Toddler whether she would like to share a room with her sister. And the answer is yes. She would like to. What fun! I guess our concerns are both practical and philosophical in nature. Practical: when the kids share, they don’t sleep as much. Inevitably, one is up before the other in the morning and one wants to stay up gabbing later at night. I am a big believer in sleep, so this is something I worry about. Philosophically, I wonder whether giving each girl her own room would perhaps provide the space for each girl to become her own person. Part of me thinks that giving them separate spaces will foster a sense of greater independence. Then again, the girls will be in separate classes at school and will be forced to go it alone much of their time anyway… I don’t know. Patently, I’m confused on this one. But it is SO interesting to see that there is such consensus on this question here. I expected more of a debate!
First of all, I love purple and I love Toddler’s room. I think if you are going to be having another baby then let them share for now- it’d be an easier transition doing it now than later. I have a sister and we have never shared rooms but have always shared a bathroom- but we also never really were in our rooms either. All our time was spent doing performances and playing in the living room or kitchen growing up. We are also obsessed with each other so sharing or no sharing- just as close!
Can you post your college essay sometime about sharing a room with all your sisters? I bet that would be so fun to read!
First off, no one can accuse you of being afraid of color. Terrific wallpaper choices!
My sister and I shared a room for a short time as kids, but I really only remember it from photos. Obviously, having my own space was nice, but I don’t know that it made my childhood better in any way. There are so many ringing endorsements for room sharing that I’m reluctant to counter that advice.
Put them together and make the other a play room! Sooner or later, they will want their own space, and then they can have it. Of course, the third child could change things.
Since you brought up the bedroom conversation, ever thought of going both ways? Go ahead with the 2 rooms, as planned, and let them have sleepovers with an air matress or trundle or bunk beds? My boys are across the hall, in separate rooms, yet talk together before sleep anyway. And yet, when one wants to read and the other play basketball (it’s NYC you gotta do what you can inside) they can. And for those of us who read your fantastic novel, we know you can write racy (at least a little).
My sis and I shared a room for awhile, and I have good memories of it. The other room was our “playroom”. Eventually, when she got older, the arrangement didn’t work as well. I remember it was an exciting transition for me, the baby of the fam, to get to create my own space. A little rite of passage that I remember most of all.
My two girls were together until they were 4 & 6 – then in separate rooms. They still have their own, but now, at 12 and 14 somehow manage to finagle being together at least 4 out of 7 nights. At first that really bugged me – as though they wouldn’t sleep as well or needed their own space. Clearly, my issues, not theirs! Now (most of the time) I just let them do what they will do. And I have to say, I love that they choose each other. For all the fights and arguments that ensue in daylight, something happens at bedtime and beyond that brings us back in balance.
I will add to the long list of “let them share!” My two share right now and it is delightful. Of course, you could always try it out and if it doesn’t work, move them!
My brother and I shared a room together for one year, when I was seven and he was five. We had moved, and Mother made one room our bedroom and the other room a big playroom. We loved it! There was so much space in which to play. Because we had the big playroom, we actually played together more.
The next year we moved and were back to our separate rooms. I had the big bed, and occasionally, he would come crawl into bed with me when he was scared, or I would wake him up and make him come sleep in my bed when I got scared. Those nights were very rare, though.
It’s funny how much and how fondly I remember the one year we shared a room.
My advice is to give them their own bedrooms, each with a trundle, and let them sleep wherever they want. It will likely evolve and change. I had my older two share a room for a while, but it eventually didn’t seem to work as well — the younger one felt like he was a visitor in his brother’s room and had no room of his own, the older needed a place he didn’t have to share. Now they each have their own bedroom, but sometimes they crash in each other’s rooms (usually on weekends, now that they are in full-time school). Even if they sleep together, I think it is important to have a room of one’s own. Of course, I didn’t grow up with four sisters!
Except for a short stint when my parents were doing some renovations in our rooms and we camped out in the TV room in sleeping bags, my sister and I always had our own rooms. We were upstairs, and my parents downstairs.
I remember well our “secret signal” that meant we were to meet in the upstairs bathroom to commiserate about our adventures. And our secret excursions to each other’s rooms to hang out, chat, get stories, etc.
Depending on how your house is set up, your girls might have what my sister and I did, even without sharing a room. Could there be a way of encouraging that?
It was fun!
I vote for sharing. In this situation it seems like the path with the most love in it. It can always be changed later, and it will. They have their whole lives ahead of them that will include seperate rooms and being apart from one another.
We had a shotgun house where you could stand at one end of the house and see through the three rooms to the back. It was a vertical duplex, but each floor had three rooms and a bathroom. That meant even if one of us got one room to ourselves, everyone walked through the room to the bathroom at the back. There were three of us kids, girl/boy/girl. We were fine and I think it made our battles fiercer and our love for each other more intense. I say share the room. Make one a bedroom and the other a play room?
Just found your blog and love it:) I have three girls and the oldest 2, 8 and 10 share a room. My three year old has her own room. My oldest have those late night chats and giggle sessions that I love. But sometimes they want their own space too. When I was growing up my sister and I had our own rooms, but I had 2 twin beds in mine. So many nights my sister slept in my room, but we each had our own space. It worked out really well:)
What a sweet dilemma to have. Separate rooms for two sisters who are quickly growing up and into their own persons? Or one room for two sisters who love one another so much that they seem to flourish when they’re together? I vote to put the girls together while they are still so young. In the purple room, which I love.
My stepson is four and my daughter is nearly six months. She still sleeps in my husband and I’s bed, but she has a crib in her room. Which is also her brother’s room. A few people seemed surprised that we would put them together (not that we have a choice as our third bedroom is an office), but it always seemed like a no-brainer to me. I shared a room with my sister as a small child and it never bothered me. Although my sister moved into our oversized walk in closet when she was about 8 or 9. I guess she needed space from her little sister.
Let us know what you decide. And I’m excited for you and the prospect of a new baby. There’s nothing better than a new baby…
If they did so well on vacation, why not share? I think you can always separate them but it will be easier to start off sharing and see how it goes. And the purple room is amazing, LOVE the wallpaper!!!! (And I agree with the other poster – you should write about your shared bedroom as a girl here – maybe even post your college essay if you can find it
!)
I think while they’re still young it would be good to room together. By middle school they might need their own space. I LOVE the purple room!!
My girls share a room despite that fact that I have two other empty ones. I wanted them to share to experience each other in that way and I know that it won’t last forever.
Sadie at heyMamas
I vote for sharing too! I have this theory that people that share spaces learn to live WITH eachother instead of around eachother. Of course, it’s just a theory. You could always separate them later. Or give them each their own rooms but encourage them to “sleepover” thus sharing intimate moments without forcing them.
I have a son and three daughters. There are two bedrooms that they share. My son is the oldest at nine and about a year ago we started making arrangements for his baby sister to move out of his room by looking for bunks for the girls. He suggested that we get two bunks, put them in the same room so they could all sleep together and leave the second bedroom as their playroom. We’ve decided to wait to separate them, there’s no hurry apparently
I found you through Bumby. Even though I’m a new reader I’m gonna offer my opinion! I have a brother so I don’t speak from experience, but my friends who have sisters are Best friends with their sisters. I think it is such a precious, unique relationship. I would definitely put them in the same room. If and when the time comes that they need their own spaces {and you’ll be able to tell
}, then so be it! They will develop a closeness by sharing a room that they cannot develop any other way, in my opinion. Have a great day! xoxo