Body Battles
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Okay, this is a bit random. But also interesting. (To me.)
Have you ever been to UrbanBaby.com? Well, it’s a message board largely populated by urban parents and discussions chez UB range wildly from the practical (paint color suggestions, pediatric advice, baby name votes) to the more bizarre (sexual confessions, political rants, comparisons of household income to waist size – huh?!) Anyway, I used to frequent this site quite a bit when I was pregnant with Toddler and when she was young. At some point though, I stopped because I was disenchanted with the palpable meanness and snark that emerged in this anonymous forum.
Recently, I have popped back on from time to time. Out of curiosity. To be honest, this site is an amazing resource for the writer. Where else can you log on and get a real-time sampling of human conversation and concern? Where else can you pose an anonymous question and get a near-instant response from real people? (Warning to all: if you are a UB regular, your antics might just appear in my next novel!)
Anyway. I was on the site the other day and I watched a curious debate ensue. I will give you the basics. A mother of three children says that she has lost all of her baby weight, that she is quite thin actually, but that she still has a conspicuous belly (she calls it a “ball”). Fine. So what? People have kids and their bodies change. This is hardly revolutionary, right? Anyway, this woman says that she does not want to lose any more weight, that she has tried every exercise under the sun, but that this “ball” will not deflate. And. And her husband will not stop talking about it and mentioning it.
Ugh.
This woman mentions that she cannot afford plastic surgery and that she just doesn’t know what to do. Then she (foolishly?) turns to the UB population for advice. And this lucky lady gets some pretty unanimous advice: Don’t worry about your baby belly. Lose the husband. Yes, that’s right. People get angry and told her that the issue here is not her body, but her betrothed. A few people defend her husband a bit and say that he is allowed to make comments about his wife’s appearance, that partners should be able to be honest about such things. Another responder says that there is a vast difference between discussing issues of weight and health and suggesting that a woman change something about her appearance that she might not be able to change. The general feel here is that this man was essentially evil for disparaging his wife, and particularly her belly, that safe and cozy place where his own three children had grown.
I logged off and thought about this some. Obviously, none of us has the whole story here. We have no real grasp of the dynamics in this marriage, or whether this guy, this critical-seeming husband, is bad news. But. I will say that this woman’s words made me a bit sad and a bit feisty. What should she do?
Of course this is not just about this one woman. This is about all of us, isn’t it? When we enter into relationships, are we tacitly agreeing to an atmosphere of honesty even on tough and upsetting concepts? Or are there things that are off-limits like body and particularly body after babies? Goodness, I don’t pretend to know.
What I do know is that in my opinion, 99.9% of women have some kind of body issue/insecurity. (I really can’t speak for men, but I imagine most men do too.) Personally, I could never be with a man who criticized my body at any time (short of some more serious obesity/health concern). I have witnessed men telling women not to eat the bread rolls at dinner or that they better watch it (and women saying these things to men too) and this stuff makes me cringe. I could never handle this. But maybe I am super-sensitive and idealistic?
Then again. Presumably, we all want to look good. For ourselves and those we love. Maybe, just maybe, this anonymous poster on UB is just as frustrated and critical of herself as her husband is. Maybe she wants to get her body back and is genuinely seeking advice about how to do this? I have no clue.
All I know? These body battles are tricky, tricky things and maybe come down to the individuals involved. One more thing I know? If Husband ever said anything negative about my body, particularly after popping out his precious progeny, there would be some old school fisticuffs. Thankfully (for him and for me), Husband, my sweet and supportive man, has never gone there. Maybe that is because I am so freaking hot and perfect??? 
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- Has your partner ever said anything critical about your body or your eating habits? How have you handled this?
- Do you feel at liberty to criticize your partner’s body or eating behaviors?
- Do you think there should be an added sensitivity surrounding body after babies or no?
- Do you think this man in the hypothetical above seems like a bad guy, or just honest?
- Do you have any advice for the woman who dared air her issue on UB? How to banish the belly “ball”?
- Assuming you could afford it, would you ever consider plastic surgery apres kiddos?
- Are there any places you go to cull instant and killer writing material?
I feel for the woman. Even with about 45 miles a week under my shoes and Pilates on a two or three times a week basis, I have muscles that are never going to strengthen and tighten again. After having been cut through three times (3 c-sections, 1 VBAC, 1 vaginal birth), there will always be a tiny lower stomach issue for me. It doesn’t matter how many crunches I do, this does not go away.
As for the male part of this problem, I can’t decide if honesty is always the best policy. If Hypothetical Husband does truly feel this way, I think there are some underlying issues in the marriage that probably need to be addressed – soon. If Hypothetical Husband is trying to be cute or a smart a$$, I think the woman should give him a good, lengthy piece of her mind.
There is a big difference between being honest, and being critical. If she asked his opinion, and he gave her an honest answer, that is one thing. If he is constantly bringing up the issue and criticizing her and demeaning her, that is another.
Yes, I think relationships should have the capacity for honesty. But also… gentleness and kindness and consideration. Knowing what not to do and say in order to avoid unnecessarily hurting the one you love.
Wow. After a few moments of reflection my biggest point of curiosity is this: How would the conversation have developed if she’d confided this concern to a trusted girlfriend over lunch, rather than a sea of anonymous usernames in cyberspace? Would her friend have taken a more measured approach? Could her friend have applied some context and familiarity with the husband to her feedback? And under such circumstances would the response given have been similar or different?
As for my own response, I agree that the bigger issue (if she’s representing her husband’s position fairly) is the marital one. I don’t know that divorce is the answer, but it seems to me that she would be well within her rights to confront her husband about his intolerance and figure out from whence it came. My body doesn’t look like it did when I was 21 (when my husband and I started dating). But neither does the rest of my life. We all change in myriad ways – careers, homes, experiences, bodies, families, etc. Marriage means you’re signing up for the long haul and we take the good with the bad. I’m just sorry for this woman that her husband can’t look at his three children and see that they are the real results of her pregnancies.
My husband would never, ever, say anything about my body except positive things. And the same goes for me to him. If his health was in danger because of weight, then we’d find some sort of tactful way to discuss it.
But not because of a little belly issue post baby… come on.
I’m reading your blog from France, how is that for loyalty? There are so many things to touch on here. I haven’t been on Urban Baby forever but I gather that the very thing that turned you off was at play here. The commmenters sound a bit like that friend many of us had at some point. The “friend” who the second you say something bad about your mate, mom etc jumps on it and really ends up making you feel worse. I also question this womans intentions in sharing that her husband was criticizing her…did she want others to let him have it? I do think it’s fine for partners to notice/discuss each others looks whether it’s about a haircut or weight. If you are both caring and sensitive people, it doesn’t have to make anyone feel badly.Having spent the day on a French beach, I was so jealous of a culture where anything goes in terms of bodies. Yes, people were generally thin but it didn’t matter. Everyone was out there on the beach, young and old, “balls” and all they weren’t talking or writing or thinking about it. My husband said “if we lived here you’d be out of business” and he may be right.
I know this comment is going to make me sound like a great big hippie, but oh well. Womb love. My advice to her would be to love that womb that produced those children, that is her place of power– if you cut out the muscles in there, women would not be able to walk. Its the seat of our power and its a miracle. Ditching the husband won’t solve the problem if she’s insecure about how she looks. But if she can find the incredible beauty in that ‘ball’… he might be able to see it to. And that would be beside the point anyway. Want to be around a bunch of powerful, post-child women with full bellies that make men drool? Watch belly dancing. That said, I can imagine how hard it can be— and am not judging her or her husband (too much) for how they are handling it. You are right that these things are so tricky– we all want to look great– to fit into some mold of what we think that means– but– again at risk of sounding like a big hippie– self-love really is the best answer. And is there anything sexier than a self-confidant woman? Sometimes all it takes for a man to get it is to see the appreciation in another man’s eyes… (Southern Belle advice, rather than hippie)
Wow, that’s disgusting. She went through pregnancy and labor and all he can do is complain about her stomach?! I honestly wish men could walk in our shoes and understand what pregnancy can do to a body.
I think if this guy really cared about his wife’s looks, maybe he shouldn’t have knocked her up (three times, mind you!) and put her on a strict diet. Just kidding.
Of course, we all want to look good for ourselves and our partners, but if she really tried everything to get rid of her “ball” but can’t seem to shake it, then her husband should be the LAST person to criticize and demean her.
My husband has gained a considerable amount of weight due to some medication that he’s forced to take and while, of course, I would love to have the “athletic” guy back that I married, I would never ever make any comments about his weight (besides the fact that I think out of health concerns we should watch it) or make him feel bad about it.
When my husband tries to make a change in his diet (after constantly complaining about his weight) he asks me to help him. And I do. Yes, I tell him not to eat after dinner and not to eat this and not to eat that and… Well, maybe not that much. He and I have that kind of relationship, though, he tells me how it is and I tell him the same thing. It’s mutually open. I guess that’s why this lady’s husband doesn’t seem like a bad guy to me. As mentioned, we have no idea what the context was and is it really our place to tell her to ditch him?
On a completely random note, I read somewhere that exercise will not erase that belly pooch, but wearing a bella band (or something like it) for a few weeks can reduce the bulge. Having never tried it, I can’t give my own approval but it sounds worth it, right?
Weight gain and body issues are touchy subjects. It can be particularly frustrating when the gains and flaws are not even between the partners. For instance– hubby has gained far more weight than I and it’s getting harder to watch him eat crap and drink Jack on a consistant basis. And maybe I say something every now and then…
It seems like the woman mentioned has done her best to get her post-baby bod back. So I do think the husband is out of line in this situation. We don’t know the whole story, but this seems to be something he should have just kept to himself.
I don’t know if I would consider plastic surgery. The mere thought of going under anesthesia makes me nervous…
Urban Baby is a post unto itself. I am so glad that you brought it up ‘officially’ on your blog. I think that website is a novel waiting to happen. 3 years ago I was notified by a friend that there was a post about me on the ‘forum’ so obviously I checked it out. I was so bewildered that (as a teacher) people would discuss me by name and where I teach. So I looked further…I was completely fascinated by the ‘moms’ on the site — the anonymous bitching and resent, the ones who used the site to ask interesting and relevant questions and the ones who were just so snarky and embarrassing! I was lured…I learned quite a lot about human nature from that website…it was humorous but also really depressing.
I could never handle my husband being critical of my body. No way, I’m way to sensitive about it. In fact, he’s super cautious about what he says, even if I’m the one to make a a less than flattering comment about myself. Not because he’s afraid of how I will react, just because he knows that some things are best left unsaid.
The only time I’ve ever commented on my hubby, or his weight, is when he’s trying to lose weight or be more healthy. And then it’s just a small comment, usually a gentle reminder not to eat so many cookies. Or to praise his success and how great he looks.
It’s about loving and supporting each other, no matter what they look like.