Facebook & Feeling
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I’m going to come right out and say it: I love Facebook. I do. It’s worth noting that I do not spend much time at all on the site – maybe ten minutes a day? – but the time I do spend is both enjoyable and rewarding. I love that Facebook facilitates connections with friends old and new. I love being able to see pictures of tiny babies and beloved dogs and lavish weddings and happy people. I relish being able to stay on top of the careers of authors I admire. Most of all, I love getting back in touch with people who were once important in my life, but slipped away for no good reason at all.
A few days ago, a friend from college whom I have not seen in ages – a beautiful and brilliant girl – messaged me to say that she had finished reading Life After Yes. I was thrilled of course to hear that she loved the book, but her note was so much more than simple praise for my literary debut. I could explain how deeply her words affected me, but decided it would be far more powerful to share her words with you. I asked her if I could write a blog post about our exchange and she was quick with a generous yes. She said I could post her letter and even use her name, but I have decided to refer to her instead as d just as she closes her note. I have also eliminated information about where she lives. (Hey, I’m a paranoid creature.)
Hey Aidan!
I just finished your book today and I LOVED it! I know it’s taken a while for me to finish, and I’m going to share why it’s taken so long because its so very relevant to how the book affected me. I’ll try to be brief (not because I don’t want to share– I’m an exceedingly open person so I will always elaborate– I just didn’t want to ask you to read a novel of my own, just yet
So, the move to X was great and I love the city. A few weeks after starting work, I was getting ready to take time off to study for the bar (which I wasn’t that excited about since I’m even more ready than I thought to not be in the law), when my dad suddenly died. It was unexpected, so it was a lot to process and a lot to do (his affairs are a mess and it’s going to be a long time to sort things out). I wasn’t close with my dad, but had already gone to a lot of therapy to address those issues, including asking the question of whether I was okay in case he died (weird I know but my sister has crazy weird premonitions and last summer she said she thought he’d die in the next year or two). Even so, it still hit pretty hard. But I still had to study for the bar and then the MPRE, so that was pretty stressful- flying back and forth to Y with my little barbri books.
And then right after I finished the bar, I was in one of my close friend’s weddings in San Diego and I was totally caught off guard by my reaction to the father/bride dance (I played it off after a good long cry outside). And then the next day the guy I’d been seeing for the last 2 months (not terribly serious but high potential) broke things off. So, quite a lot in the last month.
I’m actually doing really well, and this weekend finally had some time, so I picked LAY back up. I think it was just what I needed. In this crazy way it tied together so many things I’m struggling with– wanting to escape the law in part because I question whether I can remain ME within it, dealing with the death of my father (who was not perfect, but was still my father), knowing it will be my mother who walks me down the aisle some day, and still looking for the person to walk towards. So, not only did I think it was brilliantly written and raw and honest in a way I don’t expect from first novels (call me a literary snob
I realize this was a bit of a sad face message, but it was only so you could see how much your book meant to me. Otherwise, I am doing well– X is a great city, I’m thrilled to live near my mom and sister and nephew, I already have some great friends, I really like the people at my firm, I do yoga a ton and am still running (gearing up for a half in Moab, Utah which is supposed to be gorgeous)… so overall I really am okay. I only emphasize this because I know if I read all that, I might question whether “I really am okay” is an email message front covering a broken soul. I’m not broken– I’m just settling back in to “whelmed” from “overwhelmed” and wanted desperately to finish your book and tell you what I thought! It just happened to have taken on a very personal edge for me.
Anyway, I hope you are doing well! I see pictures of your gorgeous little girls and see you in their faces… so amazing!
xo,
d
I read these words again now. For the umpteenth time in two days. I smile and fight tears. This friend is going through so much right now, but she is also so strong, so vibrant, so d. It means the world to me that she took time from her life, her complicated life, to write these words. To tell me that my book affected her, struck something in her. This letter reminds me of many things, but two in particular: (1) We are not alone. We are all struggling with something. We all have open wounds, lost parents or lost loves, haunting personal and professional doubts, mental and physical aspirations; (2) I am writing to make people feel. This, for me, is not ultimately about sales rankings and bestseller lists and money. This is about writing words, stringing them together with heart and soul and reverence for humanity, in such a way that they might, if I succeed, touch someone else, and profoundly.
Thank you for your words and the reminders they bring, d. I love you and know you will weather this cruel storm with your trademark fortitude and grace.
_____________________________________
- Do you have any words of encouragement or wisdom for my friend d during this time?
- Do you write to make people feel? To make yourself feel?
- Are you amazed by the resilience of human beings during objectively rotten existential times?
- Do you enjoy the connections and re-connections that Facebook facilitates?
Oh goodness, messages like this from old friends where everything pours out and spills over the screen are just love-drenching. I’ve had a few, and I cherish them so, the remembrance of them.
I have one example that sums up best what I love about Facebook: a year or so ago, I became Facebook friends with a cousin I never thought I would meet or know in any way – my uncle and her mother hadn’t been married when she was born, and my uncle never had any contact with her. She initiated a relationship with him after she was grown and out of her mother’s house, and now all my aunts, uncles, cousins, and even grandfather are friends with her through Facebook. She is due to have her first baby any day now, and I am amazed that we get to be a part of this special time, get to be friends with the cousin we always thought would be nothing more than a name, get to have her as part of our family. To me, that alone makes Facebook worthwhile.
To answer one of your other questions, I always, always hope that my writing can touch a chord in someone’s life. You never know how your words might affect someone, and if just one thing, one chapter, even one sentence, can brighten somebody’s life … well, it’s one of the reasons I love being a writer.
I have to agree I’m in love with Facebook. I now live abroad and keeping contact with my family and friends through Facebook, keeps me grounded, it also make me feel close to them.
The lost of loved one is never easy, but I can tell your friend that in time it will get better, something I never thought would happen, but has. This does not mean that the pain lessens, I suppose I can say I am one of the lucky ones, I feel that I had the best dad in the world, but there is a giant hole in my heart that can not or will ever be filled by anyone else. However, I have learnt to smile with the memories, cry when I miss him, talk about him openly with my mum and siblings and that works for me.
As for writing, I a newbie to this field, it has always just been in my head and now I finally have the courage to my crazy thougths to paper, but I hope that someone, one day can also say that I brighten their day too!
How awesome – powerful reconnection for sure. My page is public and I have so many online friends on there that I can’t really share all that I would if it just remained peeps I knew in real life – so when I do “see” that old college roomate or someone from my past, FB is a great way to initially connect – but then we chat through messages and emails.
I’ll be the first to say that I’m not Facebooks biggest fan. Sometimes relationships and friendships are better left in the past.
Because they really are incredible. It adds another element to being fate and the universe, it makes it one step easier to connect and see a face at the exact moment you need it.
But not always. I’ve had a few positive reunions that make me continue with Facebook
What a lovely, beautifully honest letter! Thank you for sharing, I can imagine how it would have made your week, month even
My relationship with FB and Twitter is entirely unhealthy. Of this, I am certain. But I’m delighted you got this letter, you deserve it, and I’m even happier it solidified for you what the writing world is all about. I’m struggling with the idea of writing and the feelings I associate with blogging and where I’m going with it. But books are eternal, and yours was certainly very good! You deserve all this support. So happy for you.
Aidan, lovely letter and glad that she was able to find comfort while readng LAY. The beauty of writing is just that – speaking to people when they need it the most.
I am a fan of facebook. I’ve reconnected with many people and enjoy the virtual connection.
Beautiful, touching letter. It is always good to be thought of, isn’t it?
I write first because I feel and second because I hope you feel. You being the plural form of the word, that is.
See for all the crap people put on FB, I think it’s a great tool sometimes. I love it for the way it keeps my sisters and i entertained with the things we share (we email and talk on the phone too – but FB is a different kind of fun communication).
We’re all careful with what we show there. We keep it light, fun and we have our profiles locked down so it’s like a safe, fun playground.
And sometime you get to reconnect with people you lost.
I’m glad to read something positive about it.
I write to make other feel the joy in my life and the need to help others less fortunate.
To the young lady who lost her father before a friend’s wedding I offer this strategy: Find a picture that represents a funny or happy memory of your dad. Make a copy of the picture and carry it in your wallet.
When you lose your dad you don’t feel the same joy when watching a bride do the her father/daughter dance. Weddings really are about the father and the bride. Don’t feel guilty about this.
Walk out of the room when someone plays “Dance with My Father Again”, unless, like me, all your memories of your dad cause you burst out laughing.