Pictures & Privacy
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After a string of nutty days and very late nights, I’m happy to report that we are moved into our new home and reasonably settled. And by reasonably, I mean barely. But we are happy to be here even if we are aware of the reality that it will likely take months to get our bearings. On Friday, I made a weakling of a promise that I would post some new pictures of the new place. And maybe I will sometime, but not today. Why? First, I have not yet located my camera and hence there are no pics to publish. Second, I’m not sure I want to.
It’s weird. When I started blogging sixteen months ago, I had this profound urge to share bits of myself with the world. Even strangers. To me, there was (and is) something compelling and exhilarating about translating aspects of my personal experience into more universal words and sentences and stories that might resonate with others. I fell in love with the idea of communication and connection and collaboration in this modern world that, by design, is often so isolating and lonely.
Up front, when I started this blog, I had a big question to figure out. Would I identify my husband and girls by name and face or would I keep things more anonymous with them? Honestly, I had no obvious and overwhelming instinct one way or the other. I had read and liked many blogs that featured family pictures and used names. I had read and liked many sites where anonymity was the absolute rule. So. I decided to start this blog by going the anonymity route for my family, knowing that I could reveal names and faces at a later date once I figured out better how I felt about this online world, the ever-enigmatic concept of privacy and its protection.
What happened was that I never figured out how I felt. And so I kept chugging away the way I began, keeping identifying information about my family, nuclear and more extended, off the blog. And I’m pretty happy with my decision even though I wish I thought through my aliases a bit better. (Toddler is basically a teenager and Baby is now a toddler). I am proud of making a decision which for me was not principled really, but borne from mild, but detectable instinct. I am pleased that my blog, to date, has really been about me and my evolution and not about the ones I love who have not made the decision to render their worlds public.
But. Yes, there is a but. There always is. A part of me, not so tiny, is envious of those who have chosen differently. Of those fellow bloggers and writers who have opened up a bit more about their families. Who have shared beautiful family pictures. Who have highlighted faces. Eyes and smiles. Who have named names. Stories without names and faces, censored in the name of something complicated and inscrutable (privacy? modesty? fear?) are missing something, aren’t they? A layer of authenticity? Missing a layer of real?
And yet. There is part of me, not small, that continues to worry. About the effects – practical and philosophical – this blogging gig is having, and will have, on me and my family. We are all, myself very much included, riding this technological wave necessarily unaware of where we are headed and who we will be on the other end. It is when I stop to really think about what all of this means, this calculated exposure, these choices to abdicate bits of who we are, that I feel a swell of that initial hesitancy. Yes, even sixteen months later.
And so. That’s why. That’s why I have never posted pictures of my kids. Or shared with you their beautiful names. That’s why on this fine Monday morning, I’m reluctant to post pictures of my new home, rich with colors and patterns of who we are. There are parts of my life, bigger and smaller, that I must keep for me. For us.
At least for now.
And I am one person and this is my choice. I know this. I also know that this is an interesting question, an interesting bundle of questions. There are so many of us here, in this online ether, showing and telling, hiding and seeking, lurking and learning. We all have instincts, strong and subtle, about how to approach this world, how to edit (or not edit) our lives under its lens. And so. I ask you. That one-worded wonder that is currently Baby’s question of choice.
Why?
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- If you blog, do you reveal the names and faces of your family on your site or have you kept things completely or partially anonymous?
- Why have you chosen to do things the way you do them? Do you ever regret your decision or think about doing things differently?
- If you do not blog, but read blogs, do you have an opinion on this matter?
- Do you think anonymity strips authenticity from its object, or is simply the smart way to go?
- If you do post names and faces, have you ever experienced anything alarming where you worried about the safety of your family?
- If you do things anonymously, have you ever heard from readers who feel slighted by your censorship? (I have.)
I have always been tempted to be the first to leave a comment on my own blog post. Bizarre, I know. Anyway, I thought it important to add to the above that I do post pictures of my family (with names) on Facebook. Yes, this seems a bit different as technically only “friends” can see these pictures. But I have over 500 “friends” on my personal FB account and I do not know all of these people very well. So. One could argue that I am being very inconsistent in my efforts to protect my family’s privacy. If I was really worried about the integrity of familial privacy, maybe I wouldn’t be on Facebook? Or online at all? What do you all think?
I take a similar approach to you with both my blog and Facebook. To be honest, blogging and tweeting and facebook-ing in general all make me a bit nervous. We are pioneers of sorts and how permament will these tracks be in fifty or 100 years? Am I okay with that?
I am knew to the blog world…only an infant…one month into it. I have posted pics of a trip we took with one picture of all three of our faces; however, I do not share my full name (only my nickname) and will call (as I sometimes do on FB) my kids “Thing 1 and Thing 2″.
My FB realm is “friends only”. So, there I feel a bit more free. However, I scrutinize who I accept as a friend on FB and, routinely, delete people I am not sure I remember too clearly (i.e. former classmates). That may seem rude; however, if I didn’t keep in touch and really have had no interest in reigniting what was never there to begin with, I’m no sure I want to be sharing my whole personal realm with you.
About the “hypocrisy” of being online at all when worrying on the side about “the integrity of familial privacy”, I think we all feel that way. However, social networking is a part and parcel to outlets that may enable us to more readily realize dreams. Reconsider your other online outlets: are you able to go back and think about being more private, as you are here on this space? If so, do it!
It definitely is very complicated… I don’t even put my own full name on my blog, and I’ve only very rarely posted pictures. I don’t know why, it’s not like I have a secret or something to hide; I think I just don’t like the idea of the uneven-ness of familiarity online — your readers feel like they know you, but you don’t know anything about them. I also don’t like the idea of people I sort of know “in real life,” extended family for instance, googling me and finding personal thoughts out there. It breaks the normal social boundaries of those types of casual relationships, I think. Anyway it would completely change what I wrote if it were all linked to my full name, even though again it’s not that I have anything to “hide.”
I don’t have my full name on my twitter account either, but I post more pictures. And I’ve added a few people that I don’t actually know, but who have similar interests and so on. One girl I added from Milan responded to a picture that she recognized me from around town, that she had seen me at work. When I tried to ask her where she worked, she didn’t really want to say. And that made me uncomfortable — the uneven-ness. Even though there’s probably nothing to it.
Of the blogs I read, I don’t mind when people write about their young children a lot, but I think when they reach a certain age, it’s no longer appropriate. At a certain point (I’m not sure when), they really do become their own people, not just “your babies,” and personal things that happen to them are THEIRS, not their parents’ to share. IMHO.
I post pictures of my family, and occasionally friends. I use names of adults who don’t mind (my husband, parents, sister, etc.). People I’m not sure, I usually just use initials.
For my girls, I post pictures of them, but I use aliases. I picked virtue names for their “blog names”: the elder is Joy, and the younger is Grace. This is less about concern over my readers than it is about respect. If, when the girls are older (if I’m still blogging by then), they decide they don’t mind me sharing their real names, I’ll do that. If they decide they don’t want me sharing anything about them, I’ll stop putting up pictures. I don’t want to do anything that makes them feel uncomfortable, or that might make them uncomfortable when they are older. I want them to have a choice about what is shared regarding them.
As for Facebook, I keep that limited to family and personal friends, but even there I’m starting to be reluctant to share more information and pictures. How much do I really want other people to see into my everyday life, and know about my family? Even if they are close friends, I still find myself drawing back a little and closing back off, posting less pictures and updating my status less frequently. All other reasons aside, sometimes a little privacy is, quite simply, nice.
I had long ago decided that I would use my children’s names and pictures of our family, but I would never and have never posted a name or face of anyone not living in my home. I am a fast writer and rarely edit, so I know that if I were using nicknames. I would have to stop the flow, think and think about it or edit to remove names I would naturally type. So, yeah, laziness is pretty much why I am not anonymous.
I have never had anything bad happen, but I don post photos rarely — like maybe once a month. As of right now I do not regret the choice, but I have only 87 followers and 25 page views a day, so I don’t have a huge site.
i’ve been thinking of this a lot lately. Pictures of my beautiful toddler niece are enjoyed by my readers. I post pics mainly when I’ve knitted something for her.
Readers have been watching her grow. I post her first name and her face. I figure 300 or so readers is a small corner of the internet and there are way more well known bloggers out there who have full names and so on on revealed, which is more than I’m comfortable with, so a few photos and her first name are ok.
My nephew is six and I’m less inclined to post photos of him now. He’s more identifiable. I think there’s a line.
My husband has never wanted to be photographed or have anything more than his first name in the blog. I respect that. And I avoid posting anything that identifies where our home is.
I guess my point is, we decide lines for ourselves and I kinda like the mystery that’s created by you not posting faces or names. I’d love to know what the girls are called but it’s a sensible decision you’ve made.
i should add my main aim is to avoid being googled by name. A face or a first name can’t be googled. I’d feel really exposed then so real, full names don’t appear on my blog.
These choices are very personal. I never thought of them as I began blogging back in 2005. It was not until very recently that I started referring to my children by number (not very original but there are so many of them). I do put up photos of them, every now and then.
I have never been concerned about the safety of my family. Of course, I do worry occasionally that I am going to annoy or anger friends who may read my blog – whether they are reading what I wrote correctly or incorrectly.
This is so timely, Aidan! I’ve been thinking about this subject quite a bit as of late. I read Dani Shapiro’s Black and White not that long ago, and it started this almost obsession with “what to do”. The book is basically about a photographer and her daughter. The photographer based her career off of what some called exploitive pictures of her daughter. The book is from the daughters perspective, and how the photos tortured her through most of her life.
Now, I know I’m not putting provocative pictures of my babies on my blog… but I use their names. I put their faces up. And I’m now left wondering if I made the right decision, and how they’ll feel about it. That being said, my husband tells me that they’ll be upset with us for one reason or another, and to cross that bridge when we come to it. But… I’m left wondering if I need to go through and edit the past of the blog, change their names… give them some sort of privacy. I’m not sure.
And it’s not because I fear their, or our safety. I truly believe that, for better or worse, if someone wanted to find me, or my kids, in this day and age it’s easier than we believe to do so. But it’s more for respecting their privacy, their stories and their childhood.
All that being said, I recently deleted the family blog I wrote for two years. I have it all printed out, and the url includes my sons name, so it serves little purpose for it to be out there.
I’m rambling… and still am not sure what to do. When I first started reading blogs, I was almost put off by those who used pseudonyms for their kids. I just didn’t understand it. But I totally get it, and understand the many different rationals behind it.
I’m torn between my over sharing nature, and my want to keep these little ones all to myself. Does that make any sense?
It will definitely be interesting to see how this whole blogging/social media stuff plays out in the future.
I’ve always called myself an “emotional exhibitionist.”
I do write using names, pictures, the whole works…which means that it is content, not characters, who must be edited.
There are many things I would *like* to write about, but because my blog is public to its “stars” as well as to the general public, I always have to apply a careful censor. My censor = my husband. If in doubt, ask the hubby. LOL
I originally started my blog as a way to chronicle my spinal fusion surgery and subsequent recovery. Because of the medical information I put out there I kept my blog very anonymous. Since then I’ve continued to blog for the sheer joy of blogging and have removed all of the medical information.
So I’ve relaxed my privacy rules a little bit. I’ve revealed my first name but not my last or exactly where I live. My husband and two teenage sons have aliases. My sons because they are minors and my husband because I never asked his permission to share his name even though I’m sure he’d be fine with it. I decided on the aliases so I felt more comfortable about sharing photos. I’m sure I would feel differently if they were young children.
How much should we reveal about ourselves, our family, and our lives? It’s a very delicate balance. Each of us needs to do what makes us most comfortable.
I think this is a rich topic – perhaps moreso for bloggers than non-bloggers. But many of the dilemmas you present here hold true for FB, online photo-sharing, and other media.
For me this question wasn’t quite so challenging because I already had (and still have) a private family blog. That one is password protected and only accessible by close friends and family. It is where I post the photos and stories of our life. So when I started my public blog it was easy to determine that personal details would be omited.
I’m interested in your questions of authenticity, though. I reject the idea that excluding names and faces somehow dilutes the truth of the conversation. What you write here is usually more theoretical, with illustrations of such theory from your personal life. But you could just as easily illustrate your points in other ways. I think your stories of marriage, parenthood, sisterhood, etc make your premises richer. But I don’t think the absense of names and faces dents your credibility in any way.
Perhaps I am saying this because I’ve taken the same approach and just want to substantiate my own decision. Like you, I love other bloggers’ posts about their families – maybe even more than some their abstract posts – but nevertheless, I can’t bring myself to do it.
Isn’t it enough to share your deepest, most personal thoughts and experiences with your readers? To share your successes and failures, to bare the most vulnerable pieces of your soul?
You tell us plenty about your family, in ways that are delightful and personal without being intrusive. I feel like I know your husband and daughters because of how you interact with them in your words and photos. You’ve taken me on vacation, shown me what it’s like to have your first novel published and helped me to see that my insecurities aren’t mine alone. They are the insecurities of smart, bold, accomplished women who still aren’t really sure they deserve their spot at the table.
Adding more names and identifying characteristics won’t help your readers know more about who you are or how you think. It will, however, help those who might mean you harm, now or down the road, in that endeavor.
When I started I didn’t know enough about blogging to even know whether to ask myself these questions. And frankly, like you I still don’t know. I share photos because I know they are random and really not indicative of an entire story. I can’t imagine how they would hurt my children in any way. Perhaps I’m naive. I don’t use names only because it seemed like a good choice to make, but honestly I can’t even decide if there would be a problem with first names. I have no answers to this, I think it’s highly personal and individual, but I do think it’s worth discussing. We are all learning along the way. But I also think it’s important that things evolve. That we learn as we go and be feel free to make changes and do things that we are comfortable with.
as a non-blogger, i really admire the way share w/out treading on others privacy. one issue i have as being just a reader of this blog, is that it makes me feel like such a taker! one day i stumbled upon your blog, never imagining that i’d be compelled to follow it daily. i get so much out of it, aidan, not to mention all the stimulating conversation that comes after from your vast array of intelligent co-bloggers. so, even though you are the “giver of self” that leaves you feeling open and vulnerable in this blogging arena, us “takers” of that world get that weird, conspicuous feeling, too sometimes.
lalalalalalala
that’s what I do…shut out the scary voices. Because my decision wasn’t really a decision either. When I first started blogging I had no clue about anything, and I didn’t even think about it. Sometimes I truly regret that, but most of the time, I’m fine with what I’ve fallen into, sharing pics and names.
It sounds a bit silly to say “well, if someone wants to know more about me and my family there are still ways to do that.” What I say is, “why make it even easier?” But I did, so I don’t have the answer. I just try to believe that it’s going to be okay, because at this point, it’s all I can do. I try to be careful about what I share about my boys though. If I were them, would I want this said, someday when they read? I ask myself that a lot, and I truly hope they find nothing but love and nostalgia when they rifle through my blog pages one day.
lalalalalalalaaaa
I blog semi anonymously. When I first began I had complete anonymity. My intention had been to retain that but circumstances prevented that from happening.
I often consider coming out from behind the curtain but for a variety of reasons haven’t been willing to.
But when it comes to my children I have been very careful not to compromise their identities. There are some things that don’t need to shared with everyone.
There are many levels of self-protectiveness – for oneself and one’s family. And they’re usually with good reason, not a matter of authenticity versus a lack thereof.
My choice to write without revealing names or locations or personal photos has to do with my need for privacy (professional and personal), protection for my sons, and awareness of the “permanence” of writing on the Internet.
This is one of the reasons I’ve written about the fact that I do not “tell all,” and more recently, about the public face versus one’s private lives.
I believe it’s still possible to write authentically without revealing chapter and verse. It’s a matter of circumstances, preference, and the sort of writing you choose to do.
Thank you Adian for this topic. I have begun a new set of posts that will deal specifically with this idea and concept.When I began this adventure nine months ago, I thought a lot about my ” Brand ” and what type of blog that I wanted to write, the format found me. I listened to the “Experts” the one thing that they could all agree upon was have a consistent Image. With this in mind,I carefully chose my Mallard and this image is consistent through out all of electronic media and will stay so. I hale from a well heeled WASP family, I chose not to use their names for the simple reason… I like having them talk to me.
Always Bumby
I’ve been thinking about this more and more lately. If I had started this blog with a book contract in hand (like you) I probably would have kept my kids more anonymous from the start because I would be thinking about strangers and ‘fans’. And although I share names and photos and stories of my kids on my blog, I definitely share more on facebook – where I am pretty strict with my privacy settings and only accept friend requests from people I know in person or have gotten to know through blogging. But even so – there is such a huge unknown because all of the photo sharing and social media stuff is still relatively new. We don’t know what’s going to happen, so our privacy could really be an illusion, you know?
I don’t think your children’s anonymity leaves anything lacking. Personally, I wish I would have used pseudonyms for my kids, if only to make them un-googleable in the future. It’s really their privacy I’m concerned about, mostly. Although there are times I worry about creepy people. But then I worry about more than my kids. I worry about how vulnerable I have made myself, too.
(wow that was a long comment!)
I started a blog more as business advertisement than anything. I am so glad there was an option to blog on LocalHarvest and that I took up the challenge, because it’s neat for me to go back and read my words from a year ago and see how much I’ve learned and grown into the farming lifestyle, something I never previously saw myself doing. So for me, in many ways it isn’t anonymous at all. Many of my readers are also customers, and the farm stand is located roadside here at the farm, right in front of my home. So they’ve met me, my husband, many knew my in-laws. They know where I live. So I do post pictures and use my hubby’s real name. If I had kids, I’m not sure how I would handle it, but I can see myself posting pictures of cute kids with baby farm animals…
I do question the content a lot though. If I write about the death of an animal here, or the loss of a crop, or some accident, do I make myself sound incompetent? I wonder if sharing these weaknesses makes me likely to lose business, or does it make me inauthentic to not share the more difficult sides of my story? Can folks understand the real cost of food in labor and love (not to mention financially) when they deal with real folks, not big business, if I don’t share the tough stuff? I don’t know, and each story is different. Some I share, and some are mine alone.
I write under a pen name and don’t even share what part of the country I live in. I might mention my children in passing, but never, ever share their photos. I have a personal FaceBook page and have some family photos there, but then again, all my friends on that page know me and my children. I don’t feel the need to share too much of myself and my family life on the net. My Mr. Wonderful doesn’t need to be praised in every blog I write either. He knows how important he is and so do my children. I tell them…I don’t tell the world
I don’t judge those who do share…that’s their personal choice..but my family and my privacy are very important to me.
I’m enjoying the book. You know, it’s not something I would have read or bought based on the cover.
I believe that we’re all made of the same stuff and that an honest portrayal can distill an essential empathy from anyone.
For me, that’s fine. But with kids, you want to be safe. I wouldn’t put my nephew on my blog.
But as long as you’re honest about emotional states, daily life, etc., I don’t think it really makes a difference what everyone looks like or what their names are, although it may add a layer of beauty to know. For me, I like writing best. Some people like photographs. Depends on the audience I guess. I got no good answer.
I post pictures of myself, my husband and my daughter. I don’t identify names, so I believe I am keeping something private. It’s a definite hard call to determine what to release and what to keep private. When we bought a new home, many people told me to post it on facebook and I declined. I am a lot like you, my home and its locale is mine, something I want to keep under wraps for me and my family.