Tough Love or Too Much?
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Last weekend, Husband and I took the girls to the American Museum of Natural History. Toddler was eager to be reunited with the Stegosaurus in the Hall of Dinosaurs. Once there, the girls were in prime silly mode. They chased each other through the crowds, placed their little grubby hands on the glass dividers, and generally caused a fair bit of barely-acceptable kiddie mayhem. We did not stay too long.
We left the museum. As is par for the Upper West course, there were many families scattered about, doing their own thing, enjoying the promise of another summer Sunday. But my eye zoomed to one family in particular. The boy was probably six or seven? He was with his parents. He wore a helmet and was on a bike. This boy’s father had tied a beach towel around his son’s middle. His mother stood yards ahead, crouched down, stern-faced, waving her son to pedal toward her. The little boy did as told, pumping skinny legs, turning those wheels. He went a few inches, his father propping him up from behind. And then the bike tipped. This happened over and over.
This is not what bothered me. That the parents were teaching, trying to teach, and that the progress was made in barely there bits and pieces. What bothered me? The boy was sobbing. His face was wet with tears. His glasses were fogged. Not only that, but he was saying, and very clearly, “I don’t want to do this anymore!” These words, it seems, did not deter his parents. His father gripped that towel. And his mother barked for her boy to keep trying.
My little girls skipped by this little boy. And I followed them. But even when I could no longer see this family, I pictured them. I thought about that boy. And those parents. I felt (and feel) confused. Was this scene a snippet of tough love or was this insistence on the part of the parents too much? Instinct tells me that the parents should have laid off that tearful little guy. But maybe parenting is not meant to be all smiles and snuggles? Maybe there are skills and lessons, more and less important, that we must teach through toughness and tears?
I don’t know. I don’t even pretend to know. But on this Monday morning in August, I am still thinking of that little boy and his red eyes and shaky feet. I am also thinking of two little girls, pajama-clad and cartoon-entranced and inches from me. I know it is a precious pipe dream, but I would like to get things right with these creatures.
And so. Here I am. In my cozy spot on the couch. In my cozy spot in the cosmos. Writing. Wondering. Asking.
Always asking.
Do you think this scene with this little boy on his bike was an instance of tough love or a manifestation of excessive parental pressure? Do you think parenthood is in some sense striking a balance between discipline and fun, hardness and softness? Were your own parents tough on you when it came to learning certain skills and life lessons?
I have seen these parents. At some points in my life, I have probably been these parents. We all want what is best for our children. These particular parents may think that riding a bike in NYC is absolutely necessary (scary in my mind but..). It is a hard line but at a young age, I think this is excessive.
Oh, that poor little guy! My heart hurts for him. Learning to ride a bike should be a fun, exciting experience. And the child should be trying because he *wants* to do it! I can’t understand why they would feel the need to force him over and over when he is obviously miserable. I’m sure he said he wanted to learn, they probably planned a special day to bring him and teach him. And then maybe he got scared, frustrated. But they didn’t want him to give up or waste their time on this “special day”. But learning to ride on two wheels is HARD, and it takes patience and encouragement. Oh dear, how sad. I would be thinking about that little boy, too. I hate when I see situations like that that just seem so wrong. It’s makes us hug our kids just a little tighter.
Hmmmm. It’s so hard to judge based on a fleeting scene, but, as always, it’s great that you are thinking about it.
I don’t have children but it seems like the balance between tough love and snuggles and butterflies is a tricky one…one that is perhaps impossible to achieve? Every adult I know seems to wish their parents had been a little more one way than they were…can we ever get it right?
I don’t know, but we can try, right?
my stomach is churning as i witnessed something similar this weekend in a waiting room… bike riding is an optional (but definitely fun) life skill… and when ready, one can get the balance required… tears should come from tumbles off of the bike and scraped knees – not having your parents insist you learn to ride it… my kids range from ages 18-12… there are all kinds of life lessons – but that was not tough love… they say that often parents are led astray by their own anxieties… i think that trying to strike the balance is necessary – as is assessing the needs of each situation…
Ooh. It’s hard to comment without having seen it, but I think it’s easy for parents (all of us) to fall into this trap where we think we’re doing something/teaching them something because it will be FUN for them, and we know that if only they try/practice/keep it at, they will be so glad they did because they don’t know how much FUN they will have! And when our vision becomes myopic it can be hard to see that we have just sucked the fun right out.
That being said, there are definitely parents out there who think kids need to learn/do/try things whether they like it or not, because the parents have decided and so there it is. Me? I’m a big fan of stepping back (sometimes it’s hard) in the middle of it all and asking myself again exactly why it is I’m pushing whatever it is I’m pushing.
There’s often so much buried under our intentions that we don’t catch at first glance.
And I want to hug that boy from your story.
I agree with Elizabeth. When “fun” becomes a relentless and dogged pursuit, it’s easy to lose sight of the spirit of the thing. There are some skills that my kids will have to acquire, fun or not, because they are important life skills. But we should all be careful not to let our own version of fun cloud someone else’s version of the same.
As for the boy in your neighborhood, as others have said: 1) it’s hard to know the whole situation based on a single glance, but 2) I still want to give him a hug and a glass of lemonade.
It is really hard to judge based on a single scene. Each parent has his or her own style, and each child does as well. One may require a push to learn, while the other may embrace a new opportunity. Maybe I am trying to justify my own teaching moments that required tears, but I think a good life lesson is that sometimes learning something new can be tough. It also teaches that once you are past the difficulty, the sense of accomplishment will be that much greater. Or maybe they’ll just hate you. I don’t know the answer for sure, but I know from my own learning experiences (learning to ski for one) I now have great fun and am glad that I was pushed.
It is hard to really know what is going on in a situation without being intimately involved, and with parenting being such a subjective job, it is really hard to judge what might have been going on in that particular situation. That being said, learning to ride a bike should be a choice the child makes and if they aren’t feeling comfortable anymore it should stop or at least pause. I have known of kids who continually want to sign up for different activities (baseball, dance classes, etc) and then proceed to keep giving up (which I think should be dealt with) but that doesn’t sound like what is going on here. Sometimes kids will cry just because they will want to get out of doing something and I don’t think parents should always give in just because of crocodile tears. But, with something like riding a bike, if my son was that upset I would switch tactics and try something else after he had calmed down.
It’s so hard to judge, having not seen it. But my first reaction was excessive parental pressure. But who knows. Maybe the parents know that their son cries and throws a fit at first, but then 5 minutes later is all smiles as he rides along.
It’s so hard to know how far is too far until you try, you know? Then you realize, after the fact that maybe you pushed too hard. Or not hard enough. And then there’s guilt because we just weren’t perfect.
It’s all about doing the best that we can. Learning from our mistakes. And giving our kids all of the love that they deserve. Even if they never learn to ride a bike.
How you feel resonates with me because I don’t feel that being tough is necessary. I always found that reasoning with my children has always been best and always made sense to me and to them.
That breaks my heart. No, we shouldn’t judge. It’s not our place. You can’t help but wonder, though.
I think there’s a fine line between teaching our children not to give up and berating them. I ache for that boy and for his parents, who were so clearly trying to help their child. Sometimes it’s hard to know how to help.
What I try to remember with my boys is that most skills, like riding on two wheels, come in time, when the child is ready. Lord, I learned how to do it and I’m the most uncoordinated individual on the planet.
I understand that feeling of wanting to do right. The last thing I want is to hurt (or damage) my kids. I’m still saving money to pay for their inevitable therapy, though.
It is tough to make decisions based upon a fragment in time. I had to force my son to learn how to swim. There was a point where he didn’t want to do it, but I held the line.
It came down to safety and socialization. I can’t have my children around water unless I know that they can swim. And since we live in Los Angeles we spend an awful lot of time at pools or the beach.
There were some trying moments for both of us, but now you can’t keep him out of the water. I just can’t say for these parents of the cycling kid.
Maybe they were out of line or maybe this is just what had to happen. Ideally you don’t want these experiences to be so rough, but sometimes there is a legitimate reason to push.
tough one. it’s so hard to know when to push and when to stop pushing, especialy since victory sometimes comes just moments after a child’s deepest frustration. but it seems to me that children need to experience what it is like to state reasonable desires and to have them honored. it teaches something about agency and taking responsibility for one’s feelings and safety.
Something else to consider…
Maybe you didn’t see the two years of coddling and encouragement that led to the moment you saw. Maybe the parents know the kid will love riding his bike and it will afford him new freedom that he doesn’t know exists. Maybe after two years of running alongside him, holding the bike seat all hunched over only to have the kid slam the brakes on while in mid-trot have taken their toll.
My son is nine now and loves riding his bike. He’s read two books on Lance Armstrong and has a poster hanging on his bedroom wall, but the day he finally learned to ride wasn’t something that would have made an onlooker smile.
I love what Nicki said “I have seen these parents. At points in my life I have probably been these parents.” I was in a restroom and witnessed a mother really giving it to a little girl (for leaving the table without her shoes). My gut reaction was to think how could she talk to a toddler in that tone. I even considered saying something to the mother but I didn’t. When I returned to my lunch, a calm lunch with my boys, I almost understood this monther. Whether we admit it or not, most of us have parenting moments that are more Mommy Dearest than Parenting video. I have had a couple times practicing piano with my boys when “we’re going to sit here until you really try” or other borderline comments escape. It doesn’t feel good. Kudos to your commenters for not being quick to judge the mother outside the museum. Maybe this was one of her Mommy Dearest moments and she’ll offer an explanation to her son or an apology if need be.
This scene would haunt me, too. You have a tender, sweet heart Aidan. No worries. You’re going to do a beautiful job raising your sweet little girls.
Aidan, as parents we will not always get it right, but sometimes things just need to be done. Tough love I’m not sure. However, being a mother of two grown and almost grown children, I know that there are certain things I just need to do and soothe my heart later, in my own little corner. Looking back to my mother (my dad being the softie with me) I have questioned her on many things and realised that she did the best she could, with what she knew and I also know that what she did, has made the woman I am today (insecurities and all). I still judge, question myself and sometimes the answer is not always right, but I can always rely on her to advice me in some way. That scene always fills hearts with some kind of emotion, but so do many scenes in our parenting live….. what to do?