Anti-Social or Pro-Home?
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He is the happiest, be he king or peasant, who finds peace in his home
I am a social creature. I love to be out. I love to be surrounded. I am drawn to people and pulse. It is not surprising that I do my best writing and thinking in a bustling Starbucks. When home or alone, I often get antsy. I long for action, for scene, for conversation.
But recently things have been different. I still do my sharpest writing in coffee shop chaos, but I have felt a strong pull toward home. This week alone, I bowed out of two events that were important to me. The first was a fundraiser for the hospital at which I delivered my girls. Historically, this has been a fun event and I knew many of my good friends were going. The following night, I intended to head to a downtown bar to spend time with the lovely Danielle LaPorte, a woman whom I have admired for a while now, and many other friends. But I didn’t go either night. I stayed home.
Yes, I am pregnant. Yes, I am tired. But, truth is, I felt fine. I could have rallied. In the past, I would have. I would have enjoyed myself. I knew this then. I know this now. And yet. On both evenings, I felt a curious and concentrated urge to stay put. To be home. With my man. With my thoughts. With my self. This is not typical for me and feeling this, this foreign anti-social impulse, has made me feel a bit guilty and confused and sad.
But I realize something now. Maybe this isn’t about being anti-social. Maybe this is about being pro-home. Maybe this has nothing to do with avoiding others or situations or small talk, and has everything to do with savoring self and story and serenity. Maybe, just maybe, after all this time, I have fallen in love with the idea and reality of home. Maybe it is time for me to bask in the soft glow of chandeliers that loom above, to embrace the awareness that alights only with slowing. I think there is something to this. I do.
Maybe I am changing as a person and these words appear mid-evolution. Maybe I am flirting with a species of happiness that has eluded me thus far. A happiness that comes with finding and fashioning a home, a physical place, a sanctuary where I feel most safe and strong and emotionally anchored. A happiness that comes with finding and fashioning a home, a mental haven, a psychic retreat where I feel most relaxed and real and existentially robust.
Or maybe this is all total nonsense. Maybe my instincts to duck social engagements are borne from biology. Maybe these urges to slow down and stay put are my body and brain’s way of forcing me to rest, to take care of myself and my brood and my baby-to-be, to take stock of a life, a good life, that’s about to change?
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Do you ever experience anti-social impulses? Have there been times in your life when you’ve felt particularly compelled to stay cozy at home? Do you think there is an important distinction between being anti-social and pro-home? Do you think my recent impulses to bow out of social engagements is a symptom of pregnancy or personal evolution?
Everyone struggles and...
I love being able to chime in as the Older and Wiser (the second is questionable) person I am here … OLDER for sure! I felt a strong pull to home, to quiet, to myself, in the last few years. I used to be more social than I am now. I still enjoy certain groups of people but definitely feel a distinct need to be alone. That said, I think this might be a phase for you, and one that will pass. Who knows. I think being pro-home, and embracing all that that means, is a wonderful thing. xox
I am always more of a homebody when I am pregnant, even when I’m feeling fine. But, I think having a home, a sanctuary, a place to retreat to after all of our fun and busy social endeavors, is a beautiful thing. It’s not just about the house or avoiding people; it’s having a place of comfort and rest and peace, to help rejuvenate you. And at its best, that provides the same sense to all who pass through its doors, not just those that live there!
Recently, I’ve been feeling the pull to stay home. I can’t explain why, other than the love of reading, playing with my daughter with my husband nearby gives me a comfort I can’t find socializing. I still enjoy being social and having a nice dinner with friends, etc, but there is a certain charm in being in your own place with your loved ones, without having the need to seek other stimuli.
I love this distinction you’re making. Sometimes it might be fatigue that keeps us home, and sometimes, it’s just the pleasantness of doing so. And “pleasant” can trump exciting.
I think the circumstances come into play, however. In my city of residence? I’m more likely to be pro-home at this point. But drop me in Paris? Social, social, social!
It is so funny that you wrote about this because I am going through the same yearning to just stay home, relax and be alone with my thoughts, my writing, my books…and okay, maybe a few DVR’d reality shows.
I definitely think it is a phase. It comes in waves. You will probably turn around in a week or two and be thinking about how much you LOVE going out. How you can’t wait to socialize and be with people and share ideas and stories and happiness in a public setting.
Life is all about riding the waves. If your body and mind is telling you to stay home…listen.
Have a wonderful weekend!
xo
J
Thank you for this. Thank you so much! My husband and I are both very pro-home, and others often misinterpret that as anti-social. We like other people, we like spending time with others, but more than anything, we love coming home, being home. Together, alone, with the serenity that can only be found when we close our front door and shut the world out.
I relate to this well! When pregnant, especially near the end, there is nothing I love more than to sit at home with hubby and enjoy tea and a fire. Sometimes I’m kind of a homebody, even when not pregnant, and this is just part of my makeup. I think it’s great that you were able to listen to yourself and do what felt right, regardless of whether it was anti-social or pro-home.
Or maybe you feel more fulfilling by being with your hubby and babies than being surrounded by millions of others?
Definitely pro-home, but also a bit anti-social. I find there are times when I want to be left alone in my bed to watch a little TV. I love TV for the downtime it gives me. It allows me to effortlessly relax and quiet my mind, to focus on things other than myself and my to-do list.
Maybe I should’ve contemplated this yesterday afternoon when I hadn’t been outside on a beautiful day. I was feeling a little under the weather and I do suspect our bodies tell us things. Yet I don’t think, as an urban dweller, being anti social is bad. We have no choice but to be social all the time. So anti social, pro-home it’s all good.
So glad you raised this discussion. Have been thinking about it constantly. I’ve always felt somewhat divided — like to think of myself as a loner/homebody (and do love long stretches reading, writing, drinking tea…days to myself are my favorite thing) but also love the NYC night life I lived so many years in bands not eating dinner until midnight and going to work hungover and just feeling like I was getting so much out of life, stealing time almost. Now with a toddler I’m home almost every night and just love it, for the first time taking — I guess the word is pride? — in how things look (even tho anyone who visits would think the place is a disaster…but just enjoying a nice table cloth and pretty candle, things I used to make fun of.) Sorry this is my typical disjointed terribly written comment bouncing my little guy on my lap and telling him “just give me one second”. Okay, I’ll go now and take him outside to play. Have much more to say on this! Even just the value of staying “local” — not trying to attend all these kid events, parks, story hours…doing more what I did as a kid — crafts, hanging around, library, playing in the yard. Hate the NY pressure to always be “doing” something that you’d check off a checklist or report to others as somewhat cool or exciting.
i admire your “pull to be home.” it’s a warm and cozy place.