My Clearest Thoughts
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My clearest thoughts are usually those I can’t communicate here. Because between their sharp corners, within their defined cores, in these thoughts, there resides truth. And sometimes, often, truth hurts.
I do not want to hurt people. Particularly those I love. And so. I think these thoughts. Because they come to me. I let them rumble through me, rattle around inside. But that’s as far as they go. I am aware of a need, an urge, to free them, but I am a cautious being. I must be. (We all must be.)
Yesterday morning, I had my twenty-week anatomy scan. I laid there, on that reclining chair, and watched images of our baby flit over a wide black screen. I saw a head. A heart. Fingers. Toes. For me, these scans are scary. My brain dances and I imagine the worst. Fear creeps through my cells. But during these scans, these peeks at truth, I do not feel alone. Because there is a man next to me. And he holds my hand the whole time.
The doctor walked in. He said the baby looks perfect. And a clear thought shot through me. One I can share: I am so happy. I am so lucky. This? This is what matters. This is what I want. I thanked the small man in white. And we walked across the street. We had breakfast. After so much fear, so much truth, so much relief, I was voracious.
And I think it was then, at that small table at that small eatery, when I realized something. I realized that no matter what, I can tell him. Anything. Everything. Those clear thoughts? The ones with the rough edges that must be kept high on the existential shelf? He can hear them. He can handle them.
And he does. All the time.
And so, over eggs, another crystalline thought smacked me. Another I can share: I am so happy. I am so lucky. This? This is what matters.
A healthy little baby kicking within me. A loving man holding my hand, and tightly, through the truth of my days.
Sometimes, I take these things for granted. But not today. Not today.
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Are there thoughts you have, clear thoughts, that you cannot articulate because they would hurt people you care about? Are there people in your life whom you can tell anything and everything? In moments of uncertainty, do fear and imagination get the worst of you? In the hustle and bustle that is life, do you sometimes take for granted the things that matter most?
Everyone struggles and...
Yes. Yes. Yes. To all of your questions, a resounding “yes.” And to your last, I am struggling to focus on the gratitude I feel along with the stress and difficulty I feel inside (my post today touches on that very issue, ironically).
beautiful. so thrilled that (new) Baby checked out perfectly! xo
Thank goodness for perfect partners and perfect babies-on-the-way.
I find pregnancy a (slightly) easier time to focus on what really matters. Maybe it’s just a trick of biology: I don’t have the physical ability to do quite as much so I prioritize more than usual.
I love those moments of clarity when what truly matters rises to the surface and stays there long enough to get a good look at it. And then it’s gone. If you’re me, anyway. Glad you had one of those moments, and congrats on the healthy little one growing!
I think that your next book is going to be amazing. And what does this have to do with today’s post? Well, I’m not sure but I think you have it in you to write a story that will go big. Very big. Don’t hold back.
I am beyond happy that it is your husband that can hear your truth. For so many marriage is a shelf of its own and friends are the ones who hear the truth. But there is such a great intimacy available when it is your partner who gets to be your landing spot and know the things that cannot be known elsewhere. Lucky you.
I have a husband like yours who will hold my hand while everyone else is bustling about or I’m afraid to tell or can’t get still enough. He brings me to my calm spot. I’m lucky too.