Not Pretty
- 11
- 05
- 10
Awake at 4:30am. Black skies. Quiet house. Anxious heart.
I pour coffee into the cat mug from Toddler. I settle at my desk. I dive in.
My words are rough. My ideas are shadows. My characters struggle. And I am lost.
Now. I look up and out. There is light. The sky grows gray. I listen. Little girl chatter. Husband patter.
Three hours later, I am not sure. Not sure whether I will surrender as promised. I will have lunch with my agent in a few hours. I will order the vegetable soup with pesto. We will talk. Triumphantly, I will hand her a stack of paper. Or, sheepishly, I won’t. I don’t know yet. The space between now and then is murky.
I snap a shot. Of it all. The bright screen full of premature prose. The pear carcass on a crumpled paper towel. The stack of books. Creation. Birds in Literature. The Philosophy of Sex. Two rocks. One says Wisdom. The other, Luck. That coffee mug. Parched pens. A highlighter, electric yellow. And pages, so many pages.
It is not pretty. This morning. This process. This.
And yet, even here, exhausted and insecure, I see it. And clearly, too. It is because of the messy splendor, the lack of order and artifice, that these things are so gorgeous, so real.
And so, I’m wiped. And I have no idea whether I will meet my deadline. But still. It is a privilege to be here. In this morning. In this process. In this life.
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Do you agree that something can be gorgeous without being pretty? Are the best things in life a bit messy? Wish me luck in the hours ahead. Today, I need it.
Everyone struggles and...
Good luck Aidan! For what it is worth, I really enjoyed reading Life After Yes (and I am usually a harsh critic). It is such a pager turner, I gobbled it up in less than a week. I am looking forward to your new book. You are a good writer with interesting thoughts. This is why I come to your blog every day!
GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You’re going to rock it today.
Yes, the best things in life are often a bit messy. If everything was sparkly and perfect, there would be nothing to strive for; no layers to peel; no pearls to mine. Hugs to you, my friend, for forging onward through the murk. I learn from you every time I stop by.
Congratulations Aidan! This is the photo of a real author’s workstation! It looks so cool – I’m so impressed, and you can do it.
Yes, yes, yes! Many things are gorgeous without being pretty: A chaotic family holiday in an overstuffed and overcluttered house filled with laughter. A newly-delivered infant covered in fluid but bright pink and screaming. Elderly people whose faces are deeply trenched with the lines of a full life. And a baby novel, slowly making its way into the world, bit by bit, surrounded by books, fruit, and a loving, protective mother.
You can do this.
“parched pens” I love it.
I find a lot of things beautiful that are not pretty, totally understand! Old buildings, tattered books, my bedroom.
Do you know, you just opened a door wide open for me with your words today. Really you did. Thank you.
xo
Good luck! I enjoyed taking a peek at your work space.
I know you will be great today. Your words are so beautiful and your thoughts are so honest.
Aidan,
You can’t keep us in suspense all weekend! Did you deliver the pages?
Either way, you’re next book is keenly anticipated in the Towery household. Keep at it.
Terry
Sigh. Apparently, I need an editor just to post comments on blogs now. Obviously I meant “your” and not “you’re”. My apologies.
I realize that yesterday has already passed, but I hope everything turned out for the best. Good luck on your writing.
Good luck to you! I just bought your book yesterday Life after Yes and I am so excited to get it started.
Megan