Splitting Up
- 12
- 08
- 10
I am sad. Recently, Husband and I learned that friends of ours are splitting up. This couple has young kids. Truth be told, these are newer friends and we are not super close with them, but I have never felt anything but affection and respect for this family. And now. They are navigating a separation. I do not know the story. I have not been privy to the details. And so. I am left here, ensconced in my own world and own ignorance, asking and guessing. I didn’t realize how much this news affected me until I went to bed the evening I found out and spent an entire night dreaming about this family and its fractures. I cannot recall the contours or contents of my dream exactly, but I woke up shaken. I am not naive. I know that these things happen and all the time, that sadly this split will be the first of many we witness in some way. But for now this is new and startling and makes me very sad.
I thought they were happy. I thought all was okay. I guess you just never know. You never never know.
**This post is tiny, so I can spend more time responding to your words and reading your blogs. So comment away!**
____________________________________________________________
Have you experienced a marital split or watched a friend weather one? Do you remember the first time you heard from a friend directly about his/her separation or divorce? How did it affect you? Am I silly to be so shaken?
** Join me tomorrow Thursday, December 9th from 8-11pm EST for my SheKnows book club discussion of LIFE AFTER YES (the final pick of the year!). Click here to join the book club (takes two minutes!) and then visit this link tomorrow evening to participate in the chat. I have no doubt it will be a fun few hours and I very much hope to see you there!**
Everyone struggles and...
That is very sad…especially for the little children involved. I have had several friends split up and it always shocks and saddens me.
I guess we just never know what goes on behind closed doors.
You are not silly to be upset. It just means that you have a heart and you care. Which is not a bad thing at all….
It is sad and, sadly, as you get older you will become less and less surprised as this news comes to you. I remember in my thirties proudly stating that we didnt know anyone who had split up. Aren’t our friends happy and perfect? But then one couple split, then another, then a sister… and they all seemed happy. I think what I have learned is that ALL marriages have problems – some bigger than others. And the difference between the ones that stay together and the ones that split is how they deal with those problems. And sometimes, staying together isnt the best choice.
Being a child of a nasty divorce, I feel bad for the children — especially if the parents make it difficult. I will never judge folks for splitting – but I will if they behave in such a way that it gives their children stomach aches. There is no worse stomach ache than the one you get watching your Mom and Dad battle.
As always — thoughtful, poignant post
I think this is just what makes me so sad, namely that this split is probably the first of many we will hear about or witness. I too have always been so amazed (if not smug) by how happy all of my friends are in their relationships, so it is humbling to realize that we are indeed entering a stage where the cracks will come to light.
“…the difference between the ones that stay together and the ones that split is how they deal with those problems. And sometimes, staying together isnt the best choice.” This is very powerful for a couple of reasons. First, you highlight an important reality – that all couples, even the happiest, have problems – and it is ultimately how we cope with the issues that invariably arise. I am also left pondering the question of whether it is better to split if unhappy or stay together and put up a good front for the little ones. Obviously, either path carries its own pain.
Thank you for chiming in here!
I was divorced at age 29, but I am still shocked whenever I here that a couple I know is splitting up. I am happily remarried, but I know that there are no guarantees, and I think that’s part of what shakes me a little when I hear of someone else’s split.
Oops! I mean “whenever I HEAR.”
I think it is interesting (and heartening) to hear that even though you weathered your own split, you are still shocked when others break up. I think the reality is that we never ever know, that forever as a concept is far more robust than forever as a reality.
My SIL is divorcing. The ways in which it has affected her parents & siblings have been mind-boogling for me as I previously attached a divorce’s aftershocks to the nuclear family. Boy was I wrong. But, of course, the real tragedy is seeing my two already fragile nephews struggle with the new course of their lives.
It all just makes me gather my husband & kids a bit closer and swear to work even harder at keeping the love alive.
I had never thought about this – that one couple’s split can have ramifications that span far beyond the immediate family involved, but I guess it makes sense. For one, I think whenever we see someone break up, it forces us to look at our own relationships and families with a more critical eye. Which is often a good and necessary thing, but also hard.
I wrote a post a while back called Is Divorce Contagious? – http://www.ivyleagueinsecurities.com/2010/07/is-divorce-contagious/ – but now I am wondering – after reading your comment – whether sometimes divorce causes us to become closer to our own loved ones out of fear and realization. Thanks for making me think!
In the past 2 years we’ve seen all sorts of things happen in our friends’ marriages. There are unhappy people who stay together and people who had no major issues that decide to split. While it is sad for the children I think it’s most important for children to see their parents happy.
I recently found out that my closest friends are trying to save their marriage. I had no idea that there were problems and I spent more time with them than with almost anyone else. They hid it from me in order not be make things awkward for me, or make me feel I had to choose sides. I am praying things work out for them and their family. It certainly hammered home the truth that you never, ever know what goes on behind closed doors. It leaves me with the nagging question of “if these 2 people can’t make it, who can?” They were/are perfect together, or so I thought.
Thank you for raising an important angle to this discussion. It both makes sense to make and strikes me as an immense shame that people work hard to disguise their marital woes – even in front of very close and trusted friends. Sometimes, I wonder if these individuals would have better luck in navigating tough seas if they felt more comfortable opening up to people outside the marriage. I agree that there is something particularly troubling about watching a “golden couple” weather storms… you never do know.
I experienced a split and the effects reach much further than the couple. It was difficult for friends, mutual friends, family members.
But, ultimately it was the right choice for us, for our situation, even though we have a child together.
A couple of years ago it was hard hitting, and now I’m newly engaged to the man of my dreams, so I’m a firm believer that staying it in for a miserable long haul isn’t always best.
Still–news of a split is always difficult, I think.
I am so glad you chimed in here because you raise an important point: Sometimes, often maybe, even if the effects are far-reaching and grim at the time, a split might be the best move. I have witnessed splits happen during engagement and then have watched these individuals go on to find robust love. Congrats on your engagement. Very exciting indeed!
My BIL divorced about two years ago after five months of marriage. It was certainly a shock to both sets of parents, although my husband and I knew they weren’t happy most of the marriage. In fact, there were several signs indicating that they were probably weren’t the most compatible. Unfortunately, the families had spent massive amounts of money on an official engagement and I think both my BIL and x-SIL wanted to backout, but didn’t know how. In the Indian culture, divorce is still frowned upon, but I’ve noticed more and more Indian couples are breaking apart, even after several years of marriage. The news of a split still bothers me, but you are right, you never know how happy or unhappy a marriage is behind closed doors.
In March of 2011 I’ll have been married for 15 years. We’re long past the newlywed stage. If you look at our wedding photos/video entire tables of guests are…gone. Death took most of them at ages ranging from 29-96.
But there many couples that are now living separate lives. The first few shocked me but now I am rarely surprised by it. You don’t know what happens behind closed doors.
There are different ideas on parenting, money and goals in life that change. Sometimes you grow together, sometimes you grow apart. The question is what happens when you grow apart- can you come back.
My 4th grader comes home and tells me stories some times about the children in school whose parents are splitting up. We have had more than one discussion about whether it could happen here and what that would mean.
It is sobering. I never say that it can’t happen. I won’t lie to him. I tell him that it is not something that anyone wants.
But I don’t tell him that not all marriages are meant to last because he is too young to understand the nuances of that particular conversation.
This is something I have been thinking about a lot lately. I’m at that age you mention where many of my friends are getting married, and I too am considering taking that next step. Perhaps my own proximity to this event is creating a heightened awareness, but suddenly it seems that divorce is everywhere:
A rash of high-profile “shocking” celebrity divorces. Huffington Post’s latest news page – right next to “Politics” and “World” – is “Divorce”. A steady stream of stories about friends of friends getting divorced – and not just those that jumped into marriage after whirlwind romances of a few months, but couples that have been together for years and walked a path not so different than my own.
Suddenly, despite the fact that my own parents are still married, I seem to be developing a fear of marriage. Admittedly, I’m an over-thinking rationalist who is usually worrying about something three steps ahead of it happening. Still, if all these people I know – smart, rational people who had the same amount of information as I do when they made the decision to get married – can be wrong so often, how can I be confident that the same won’t happen to me?
I’m particularly curious to hear about those that go on to second marriages with such confidence – what have they learned about marriage that makes them embrace it again so willingly? Is there a way to gain that information without going through a marriage and divorce first?
Frankly, I think it is good that you are conscious of what is going on, of the risks, of the real life stories without happy endings. This is life today. You ask some very good questions here and ones I cannot answer, but the fact that you are asking them at all indicates to me that you are approaching this step with commendable caution. That said, I think (and know based on personal experience) that marriage can be an absolutely wonderful thing. Are there always issues, bumps in that proverbial road? Of course. But even with the issues and bumps, marriage can be an incredible thing and I do not think it should be feared at all costs.
You ask some particularly thoughtful questions about embarking upon second marriages. I cannot answer these questions, but maybe some of my readers can? As a total non-expert on such things though, I imagine that you learn a lot about yourself during a marriage and a split and maybe it is this information, this surge of self-knowledge, that makes individuals more comfortable with entering another union? Again, I really don’t know then.
Thanks for participating in this interesting and important conversation!
My brother stayed in a bad marriage for thirty years. Both him and my SIL were unhappy . It was sad . They stayed together because of their son and because of convience. The divorce got ugly as well. Somehow the drama affected everyone around them.
when my husband and i came to the point that seperating was the last resort, it was devastating. it needed to be done, there were NO other options, but it was devastating non-the-less. and i had seen it coming and fought it off for as long as i could. there is so much shame in a failing marriage, especially when it appears that everyone elses marriage looks so perfect; what are they doing that we aren’t? what i wish i could’ve realized is that everyone thought WE were perfect! it wasn’t until we announced the split that i was able to get the emotional support from outside influences, which in turn, made it easier to deal with the seperation, the children, and my own needs. i’m happy to say that we reconciled. but i learned alot about how relationship successes and failures made alot of those around me freak out about their own fears about their relationships. my husband and i have been dropped by a couple-friend of ours and we both feel that our marital difficulties are the reason. but, by-and-large, i feel like we became somewhat of an inspiration to others that if it’s handled respectfully, a major marital problem can be a positive life experience. the thing that surprised me the most was that, even though we were raw from all the relationship exposure, we were able to recliam the rights to privacy as we worked through our problems. believe me, it wasn’t easy stripping the ‘right to pry’ privileges that a few in the family felt had become their right! but the balance is back and thankfully, my closest friendships never faultered. for me, and my marriage, it was life-altering experience for which, in hindsight, i am grateful for. we couldn’t have grown the way we did if it hadn’t been for the seperation and we would not have been a very happy family without that growth.
Oh, how I love the variety of perspectives that are popping up here. Thank you for offering yours. The notion that a major marital problem can turn out to be a positive life experience is very inspiring. It is wonderful that you and your husband were able to work through what plagued you. Your story reminds me of that of a close friend of mine who split briefly with her husband at one point. Ultimately, they reconciled and seem very happy now. Anything can happen.
It seems like I have had more friends split up in the past year than ever and I too become really affected by it. I want everyone to be happy with their lives and I guess, as a previous commenter mentioned, sometimes that is without the person they were married to. The separation seems like such a brutal process that I haven’t seen my two friends who are going through it ultimately get to that happy point afterwards. I am sure, in time, they will be much happier though…
My marriage is far from perfect, but then again, whose marriage is perfect? My husband and I have been to therapy not because we were at the point of no return, but because we felt disconnected and we wanted to circumvent any future issues. We still argue and annoy one another at times, but in general we’re better off. What I find interesting is that people assume our marriage is “bad” because we decided to seek therapy. I think we were brave to approach the imperfections of our marriage head-on and deal with them before it was too late. Why is therapy regarding with so much negativity? Why do people wait until it’s too late? Would more splits be avoided if people didn’t wait so long to address issues?
I don’t know anyone just yet that has split, but I sometimes wonder if it does happen, who will it be? I feel like I’m a terrible person for having this thought and I often worry that I may jinx my own marriage (I certainly hope not). But I also feel like it’s inevitable. People split. It’s sad and generally unexpected, but inevitable nonetheless.
I too think it is brave and admirable that you decided to confront your issues – via therapy – rather than ignore their presence. You raise another very interesting and important question here about therapy. It amazes me (and yet it does not) that people have such different opinions about therapy and its virtues. Often, I see someone who is in therapy (as an individual or as a member of a couple) as proactive rather than weak in some regard. I think I need to write a whole post about therapy. Thanks for the idea!
Just realized my typo:
Why is therapy regarded* with so much negativity?
This is so tricky. I’ve seen a few friends divorce, but all seemed to have extenuating circumstances that allowed me to put a mental asterisk next to their names. I know that eventually it will happen in a marriage I thought was strong, and I have a feeling that will hit me much harder.
I love the image and idea of the asterisk. Don’t we so often place this little star next to situations we see just to feel like we are far from it? Interesting to think about…
You really never know what is going on behind closed doors. I thought my cousins were happy in their marriages but fast forward 17 years and both of them divorced their husbands within 6 months of each other. And for 17 years I had no idea they weren’t happy!
I remember when I learned that some friends of mine were getting a divorce. I felt so sad, not just for them, but also in a cosmic sense. I felt let down, even though it had nothing to do with me. That may sound selfish, but I had idealized them as a couple, and thought that they had it all–two careers, two kids, and still they seemed so connected. I think that when we hear about divorce, it can bring up insecurity, even if we don’t anticipate (consciously) the end of our own marriage. Somehow it can rock the foundation of our faith and security.
I often wonder who in our circle of friends, mine and my husband’s, will be first to separate. Is that strange? But the odds aren’t in favor of marriage these days, and as you said, you just never know.