Touch Me. Tell Me.
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“Caresses, expressions of one sort or another, are necessary to the life of the affections, as leaves are to the life of a tree. If they are wholly restrained, love will die at the roots.”
Nathaniel Hawthorne
On the sidewalk, he holds my hand. In the movies, he throws an arm around my shoulder. In the morning, he kisses me hello. At bedtime, he kisses me goodnight. In the cracks of my days, he says it more times than I can count. I love you.
Sometimes, I take these things, these physical and metaphysical caresses, for granted. They are part of the fabric of my life and my love. Sometimes, I assume that these gestures are a given. Sometimes, but not always.
Sometimes, I imagine never being touched. Sometimes, I imagine never being told. And when I do, I see Hawthorne’s naked branches and withering roots. When I do, I feel both sad and lucky.
**Another snack-sized metaphysical morsel. The idea is to spend less time writing and more time wandering – to your blogs, to your emails, to your comments. Honestly, this experiment has already made me very happy. Just a few days in and I feel like I am getting my old school bloggy groove back! Yippee!**
How important do you think physical affection is in romantic relationships? In your own relationships, past or present, have you been touched and told enough? Too much? Is there such thing as too much?
Everyone struggles and...
What a great topic for today! My husband and I have been together for nine years, and quite honestly, we would cause a little nausea if people could see us inside our own home. We kiss, we cuddle, we have affectionate nicknames for one another. But quite honestly? I wouldn’t have it any other way. He’s my best friend, but nine years later we still have that spark going, and that spark will keep us together when times are tough and when the kids eventually grow up and leave us to our own devices.
I think some people are touchers and others are not. I am not always the cuddly type (except with my kids) but I married one and can always use the reminder.
This is such a loaded question for me. I grew up in a family of frequent hugs and “I love yous”. Contant expressions of affection. My husband, however, is not especially expressive of his affection. When I hug, he hugs back. When I say “I love you,” he says it back. But he isn’t usually the initiator of these caresses, as you say.
If you’d asked me when I was 18 what level of affection I wanted in my marriage, this is not what I would have described. And yet I have learned to accept it because so many other things about my marriage are just what I want. I don’t doubt for a moment my husband’s love for me, which makes his infrequent expressions of it easier to take. But even now, nearly seven years in, I still wish he were more inclined to say it. In the grand scheme of things, though, it seems a small complaint of a man who is otherwise everything I never knew I wanted.
I am in a relationship right now that exceeds anything I have ever had in terms of expressions of affection–both in words, deeds and simple hand holding. Sometimes I take it for granted. Then there are those moments when I realize how lucky I am, what a difference those expressions make, how wonderful it is to have someone taking care of my heart and I am honestly moved beyond words.
s – Welcome to the ILI comment box. Isn’t it interesting how there are really wonderful things in our lives that we come to take for granted? How does this happen? Is this a question of repetition and consciousness? At some point, do we become less and less aware of our self and surroundings? The moments when we do see it – the utter bounty – are priceless, no? I think that for me blogging is in large part an effort to become more aware of my moments, to take fewer things in life for granted? Does that make sense?
I really love this. I have a fabulous husband who is all about the affection. It’s nice.
This is my first comment here, but I’ve been reading you for a while. I love your short posting and wandering idea. And, I haven’t read your book yet, but its on my list of books to read as soon as I finish grad school. Good luck with your current manuscript.
Linsey – Welcome to the comment box. I am happy to hear that you have won the husband lottery
I hope you enjoy LAY once you get the chance to read it. And I hope that some of my readers click over to your own blog to read about your seasonal random acts of kindness. Very inspiring indeed.
I think it is immensely important. More important than we realize. If I could, I would ask you to visit this post of mine from last year where I talked about this very thing…
http://www.themindofifer.com/?p=127
I like your snack size posts, and I am glad you are back in your happy groove!
I must candidly assert that your scribings have the most superlative form of perspicacity about them. These correspondences have a rather profound ability to capture their intended audience with the most inviting and delightful representation of your own introspection’s. If we all could address the superfluity of our own intellects as effortlessly as you do in your writings we would we all the better for it. After recently stumbling across this well constructed digital masterpiece that you have crafted I find your jovial mannerisms to be ever-so inviting. Your husband seems to be a gent of affability and attentiveness-the world could use more gents with such amiable dispositions. Keep up the phenomenal work and congratulations on the new addition to your family.
Raulston – Welcome to ILI. And thank you for your words. My husband is indeed a good guy, or “gent” as you put it
I hope you continue to swing by and comment!
OMG. This post caused a physical ache deep inside of me and brought raw tears streaming from my being. By nature, I am an extremely affectionate person. More than 12 years ago I was left paralyzed from the neck down. Not a day goes by where I don’t long to hold, to touch, to feel or to grab with such intensity. Don’t ever take any of that for granted. Not only can I no longer reach out but most people are too scared of touching me. Intimacy — spoken, felt, done — is a basic human need. Just do it. Just because… you can.
Thank you.
Every now and then, I get a blog comment that wakes me right up, that points me to something I have patently missed. In penning this post, I did not think once of people who are unable – for one reason or another – to touch and feel (physically). It just didn’t occur to me and that is not good. I am glad though that I gave this post its specific title, one involving telling as well as touching. I think that the verbal caresses are as, if not more, important than their physical comrades. Our minds and hearts need massaging too. But still I am left utterly aware of the narrowness of my perspective and grateful that in writing this I triggered a wake up call I think I needed.
Thank you. Again.
(I found your site via Tracy’s RT)
Aidan, I enjoyed reading your post and thinking about the topic. I would have agreed with you more when I was younger, but over the decades my definition of “touch” has changed. There are people I love who I can’t be near. My wife lives with pain from a degenerative condition and can’t bear more than very gentle physical contact. I’ve been a caregiver for people whose bodies have become insensitive from dementia. And I have a cat who (having been abused by a previous owner) will only accept petting if she initiates contact.
I adapted. I learned ways to be close with all these and more. Touch is nice when it’s an available avenue of expression, but what really matters is substantive intimacy. That destination can be found at the end of many paths. New ways come into view when you open your own heart.
Welcome to ILI. I am grateful to Tracy for sending you here. Your comment is very well-taken. I think the definition of “touch” can be very expansive and, ultimately, I do think it is all about “substantive intimacy” as you put it. I’ve been thinking about it today and I do know a fair number of couples who are very touchy, but do not seem to be close at all. There is so much more to intimacy than touch. Thank you for reminding me of this important fact. I do hope you return here!
This is absolutely beautiful! I don’t know where you found such a wonderful man, but please, show me where more of them are! You make me want to believe in love stories
Thank you, Mary. If you must know, I found my wonderful man in a darkened Manhattan bar. I blogged about it here: http://www.ivyleagueinsecurities.com/2010/01/confession-we-met-in-a-bar/ If only there were a Garden of Good Men and we could all just visit and pick one out, huh?
I really like this post! I don’t think you can ever tell someone you love them enough….or touch them enough….even if it is just a quick squeeze of the hand. You just never know when that may be your last time….
I am not trying to get all sappy and emotional. I just feel that it is very important to tell the ones we love how much we love them. I am so very blessed to have a wonderful husband and I try to tell him how much he means to me all the time!
My family is extremely affectionate, and my husband’s is not. Yet oddly, he is the one who craves the intimate touches more in our marriage, while I prefer to hear the words spoken. I wonder if it is because of the differences in how we were raised, that I take affectionate touches for granted and think of words of affirmation as something special and out-of-the-ordinary, while to him, raised in a household where there was so little physical affection ever shown, that is what is remarkable and precious?
In any case, this post and the beautiful comments in response have made me realize anew how important it is to recognize my husband’s need for touching, and not get irritated when he wants to be affectionate just at the end of the day when I’m looking forward to some alone time!
Physical and emotional intimacy are exceptionally important. When my divorced friends talk about their old marriages they always mention those things.
One says “you never know which time is going to be the last time that you sleep with your wife” with a big smile on his face. It sort of a coping mechanism because when the intimacy died so did the marriage.
To be clear, that includes the emotional and the physical.
I love your nugget-sized posts. Great idea!
For me, the simple touches are what matter most – the touches that one normally takes for granted, like holding hands, a soft peck on the cheek, stroking the other’s hair. These touches are small reminders to me of how much my husband loves me and that he’s thinking of me while we’re walking down the street, sitting on the couch, driving in the car, and living our day-to-day lives. In fact, they’re so simple that they’re easy to forgot, so the fact that he remembers is the sweetest part.
Welcome, Mary Kate. I agree wholeheartedly that the simple touches often carry the most profound meaning. The tricky thing, as you note, is that these are the gestures we too often take for granted because they slip so softly into the nooks of our days. Thanks for chiming in here!
I have been a fan of your book and your blog for months now and have always meant to comment but mostly just lurk. I now feel strongly enough about 2 or more of your entries and would like to chime in. The first topic that I relate most to was about being anti-social or pro-home. I really like how you gave it a name because I am also pro-home. I like being out but once I am out, I cant wait to go back home. Jerry Seinfeld even did a skit about this exact topic once. Especially with it being cold and dark and crowded, being safe and warm in my tiny apartment is extremely appealing.
The other entry I must comment on is the one about touching. My husband is extremely affectionate while I am not. He is the one who wanted a full-size bed over a queen because he didnt want me too far away. When we are waiting in line at a coffee shop, if I take a tiny step backward, I would stand on his foot. On our couch, a bus or even at a movie theater, he is partially sitting on my seat or on my pillow. He wants to be holding hands, cuddling, etc constantly while I am still finding it hard to get used to even after a year of marriage.
So glad I found your book at Target and this blog. Best of luck to you and your beautiful family.