Dealing With Disappointment
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“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”
Jonathan Swift
Someone you know disappoints you. And you can’t seem to get over it. You’re not sure why.
It is not a tiny thing. Nor is it truly monumental. At the core of this let-down, there is no malice, no ill-will. Instead, there is just a sad pocket of quiet, a missed chance, a hurtful void. And about this disappointment, there is initially a small confrontation, a rather gentle calling-out, a graceful exchange. And a soft, less-than-robust apology.
Fine. Disappointments happen everyday. Life is full of them, full of punctured expectations of self and other. There have been countless occasions on which you have disappointed someone, fallen conspicuously short in your role as parent, as partner, as friend, as sibling, as daughter or son. Why then is it so hard for you to get over disappointments when they happen to you? Why, after all these years, is the sting still so strong?
You don’t know. But maybe it would be better to stop fashioning expectations. Maybe it would be better to stop caring so much. Maybe. Maybe that would make life easier. But would it make it better? You don’t think so. You know better. That life, in its essence, is about hoping and wanting and needing and trying. That life is about expecting big things and small things from yourself and others. That life is about celebrating the successes when they arrive and riding the disappointments when and if they come.
And so. You will keep expecting. And hoping. And when disappointment comes, and it will again and again, you will deal.
You will have to.
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Do you think riding the wave of disappointment – in self, in world, in others – is part and parcel of life? How do you deal with disappointment? When someone disappoints you, do you confront them or hang back and stew? Do you think it would be possible to live life without expectations? (Bonus points for those of you who can articulate a connection between disappointment and pineapples!)
Everyone struggles and...
My husband tells me that I get disappointed a lot because I have high expectations from people. I do, but mostly because I treat people the way I want to be treated. You are right life is about expecting things from yourself and others and sometimes when we are let down we will deal with it again and again because we care!
I wonder if, ultimately, we have control over our expectations, how high or low they are. Part of me thinks that we fashion our hopes unconsciously, that we do not choose what we hope for, but maybe there is more agency, more control, here than I think.
I’m always envious of people who don’t live by expectations. Somehow, I’ve grown tangled in them and always find myself expecting from every aspect of my life leading to unnecessary stress. Part of my NYresolution is to try to hold-off expectations because they have caused too many disappointments in my life…Here’s hoping
Tangled is the perfect word. In life, with time, I think we become tangled in so many things – hopes and regrets, doubts and fears, expectations and intentions. And how to untangle from it all? Is it desirable to untangle from it all or to revere the knot, meaningful and maybe sometimes even magical, our selves and worlds have become?
Thanks for your comment, Mika.
I love the quote by Jonathan Swift. I have tried to think that way. It didn’t last long! My good friend tells me that I get let down easy because I expect so much out of myself and in turn expect that out of others. It is something that I am working on. I know that everyone is human and we all make mistakes. I need to learn to just let things go. No one is perfect.
Letting go. Yes. I think this is what we can train ourselves to do. I’m not sure we can control what we expect in the first place, but I do think we can talk ourselves into relaxing our expectations once they have been disappointed. We can learn – and it is hard – to forgive. Isn’t forgiveness just the realization that no one is perfect, that we are all exquisitely and deeply flawed?
Beautiful image in “punctured expectations.” Love that. I have tried at times to not have expectations, but it doesn’t work. You simply can’t make yourself not have an expectation, even an unconscious one. Times that I thought I set myself up so perfectly to not be disappointed because I embraced low or no expectations, found me disappointed in the end because those expectations and hopes and dreams were still there, underneath the shiny facade of control. But we need hope, dreams, and desires. They are an undeniable part of who we all are.
I agree with you that expectations are indeed part of the fabric of who we are. We cannot remove them from our minds or from our lives. And so it seems we must learn to make sense of our expectations as well as our own reactions to disappointments along the way.
I think I expect a lot from people, but try not to get disappointed when they don’t meet my expectations. Sometimes that doesn’t happen though, despite my best efforts.
Again, I am left wondering whether we truly have any control over what we expect and what does or does not disappoint us. Definite food for continued thought…
I’m pretty sure that it is impossible to give up expectations. I know that I’ve tried. But I’m not sure I even would want to any more. It is almost as if I now realize that life isn’t worth living without high expectations. A little disappointment every now and then isn’t the worst thing that can happen, right?
Your perspective here is enviable and it’s one I am trying to adopt. Maybe we must keep our eyes on the bigger picture and realize that a sprinkling of disappointments larger and smaller is okay and that in dealing with these disappointments, in working and thinking and talking through them, we get to know ourselves and others better.
“a hurtful void” – oh, that is elegant.
A true compliment. I try
Treat others like you want to be treated.
I live by that standard – but many people do not.
No wonder we get disappointed.
I am just trying to expect less of others. The only one I can totally rely on is myself. I am not saying that I haven’t disappointed others. I sure have, but it has never been intentional.
I was thinking about this after publishing this post this morning, about how high my expectations truly are. And I think that my expectations for others are pretty reasonable, but that my expectations for myself are quite lofty. I’m not sure why this is exactly. Maybe, as you say, the only one I can totally rely on is myself. Maybe I have learned over the years to relax my hopes a bit. I don’t know.
I usually do not confront casual friends when they disappoint me, but I do discuss it when it comes from someone closer. If it is a relationship I truly value I feel I have to otherwise it won’t continue to be.
You make an important distinction between casual and close disappointers (nope, not a word). And I think you are right; if we confronted every person who slightly disappointed us, life would just be full of confrontation. But I do think that when someone close to us lets us down it is crucial to talk about it. Otherwise, grudges are born and distance is created. Thanks for your comment! (Look forward to checking out your blog!)
I have always wondered exactly what Jonathan Swift meant by that quote. The accepted meaning seems to be that we shouldn’t expect anything, because if we do we will necessarily be disappointed when whatever happens fails to live up to expectations. But I think instead it might mean (tongue in cheekily) that we shouldn’t expect “nothing,” because if we do, then we won’t be disappointed — we’ll get “nothing.” As in, if you don’t reach, you don’t get. So, I think it’s better to hope and work for the best, and deal with the disappointment if it comes.
Meghan, Thank you for offering this alternative (and compelling) interpretation of Swift’s words. (Isn’t it so hard to discern intention in a lonely string of words?) I very much buy that Swift could be imploring us to expect things – even if doing so brings with it disappointments – because otherwise we are left empty, with nothing. In any event, regardless of what he meant, I think it is indeed better to reach and hope and be disappointed occasionally than it is to never reach, to never hope.
Like Ayala’s, my husband has pointed out to me that my expectations of other people – even strangers – are probably higher than they should be. And I often find myself genuinely disappointed when others don’t meet my (unreasonable?) expectations.
Rudri wrote a great post a few days ago about not taking things personally: for me, not being disappointed by other people not meeting my expectations would be a great way to practice this.
What is a reasonable expectation? Are they standard-issue or is a reasonable expectation per one person and unreasonable expectation according to another? Alas, we are left with the issue of subjectivity. I think we all have very different visions of what it means to be a good person, of how much we should rely on others, of how much we should expect from the world beyond self. And I loved that post of Rudri’s. I too take things very personally. It is part of who I am. And sometimes it leaves me hurting. But, again, that is life and that is okay.
Thanks for the compliment ladies. I struggle with disappointment, but am trying to strive to revise my expectations. I can’t expect people to react or act like I would in a given situation. I am trying to shift my focus on how I can readjust my perspective since it is futile to control another’s behavior. Its something that is going to take some time, but I hope that as I get older the sting is a little less.
I think I expect a lot out of people, give a lot of myself which opens the door to disappointment when they do not act the way they should. Its hard.
If you try pineapple in Hawaii it’s delicious and then if you try it elsewhere it is just one big disappointment. (That’s the best I’ve got!)
I am beginning to suspect the issue here (or one of the chief issues here) is that of subjectivity. It is possible, if not probably, that we all have very different notions of interpersonal propriety, of how one “should” act in various situations…
Love your pineapple explanation. The truth? There is no ready connection that I know of between disappointment and pineapples. The above is a shot of the wallpaper in our library. Just thought it was a fun and brooding shot and wanted to use it.
I’m less disappointed than I used to be. I think there is a relationship between this and how much I forgive myself. Or maybe it’s that I realize how truly human I am. Recognizing I really and truly disappoint people with stunning regularity. Even though I don’t want to.
I am beginning to believe that almost everyone I encounter is honestly doing the best they are capable of in each moment. Sometimes it’s just not their best moment. But I have plenty of those as well. I want them to forgive my less-than-great moments. So, I guess I’m starting to cut more people more slack.
Thanks for helping me notice this. It’s a tiny triumph for me personally. Won over many years of frustrated disappointment.
Thank you for these words as they really resonate with me. I guess I am left wondering sometimes when people are truly doing their best and when they fundamentally don’t care? Clearly, there are some instances when disappointments are borne from apathy or resentment of some breed. I do think it is a wonderful and wonderfully forgiving attitude to adopt toward fellow human beings – that we are all spinning and struggling and that sometimes we are catching others in moments are rotten and tough.
Cheers to tiny triumphs. May there be many more
So true, Aidan. I find it’s easier for me to accept being disappointed by someone else than for me to be the one who disappoints. Not sure why that is, but it’s true.
And here’s my guess about pineapples: Does it have anything to do with Desai’s “Pineapple Cake”?
I like to drink Pineapple juice while mulling over the disappointments of my life. Does that count for bonus points?
I am demanding of my good friends. I don’t apologize for it, I am very intense. It is just who I am and what I am about. If people don’t like it then they don’t have to be my friend.
But I am the guy you can call to come pick you up in the middle of the night. I am the guy who will listen to your stories and not fall asleep mid way through them.
I expect that to be returned. For the most part it is. I have wonderful friends and we are really good about looking out for each other. But we all slip up and make mistakes.
The question is whether it is consistent and or intentional. Some relationships don’t last.
You make an interesting parallel between the acceptance of disappointments caused by others and those caused by self. I think I have a hard time forgiving both. I feel terrible when I let someone down and realize it. In these moments, I wish I could go back and do things differently. Alas, we cannot edit the past moments of our lives.
Love the pineapple guess. As I confessed to AG above, I posted this picture with no compelling rationale. It is a pic of the wallpaper in our library. Just wanted to use it and decided to go for it! Random, I know
This is a topic near and dear to my heart. I have such difficulty accepting disappointment (in myself) that I become fearful of wanting or expecting anything. I can never succeed enough – it’s the perfectionist and critical nature in my personality. It’s quite sad actually.
So interesting because I hadn’t thought of disappointment in the context of perfectionism, but it makes perfect sense. When we expect the world from ourselves, when we hope for perfection in our being, how can we not be disappointed – and frequently – in ourselves and in others… And you raise a good question: Is their such thing as enough success? And what, ultimately, is “success”?
For me, disappointment becomes a quiet hum over time, never really disappearing but never really bubbling to the surface either. It sure takes a long time to reach that dormant steady state though. A long time.
A quiet hum. Exactly. I think of it as a subtle buzzing. If you stop and focus, you can hear it and it can be quite a nuisance. But if you are busy, folded into the complexity of life, sometimes the buzzing can be drowned out… And I agree that time has so much to do with disappointment (and most other things in life really)… Over time, the character and punch of disappointment fades and changes.
I always have high expectations. Of myself. And others. I always try to put my best foot forward and I expect those that I love to do the same. I push myself higher and expect others around me to push themselves as well. Perhaps this is not a good thing because it usually sets me up to be disappointed if they do not meet my high expectation. I think I mostly get disappointed because I care about the person so much. It hurts when those you love fall, errr, short. But I live. And move on.
I think life is a tightrope of managing expectations and avoiding sheltering ourselves to the point where we can’t hope anymore. Disappointment is inevitable, but without expectations, life is gray instead of color.
We always end up sucking it up and moving on.
It is rare that I watch Dr. Phil, but I saw an episode a few years back that resonated with me and changed the way I thought about expectations. To paraphrase, Dr. Phil basically said that the main reason people get upset with each other is when their expectations aren’t met. I realized that in many of my relationships, my expectations weren’t being met, but much of it had to do with the fact that I never communicated what my expectations were. In my mind, each of us only have so much of our selves to give at any given time, and it’s tough to give 100% all the time. So we pick and choose and priortize where and when to operate at the highest level. Thus, some people won’t experience our best, and may be let down. Do we have a right to feel let down if we’ve never told someone what we expect of them, or vice versa? How does this translate when it comes to being disappointed with ourselves?
Thanks for a thought-provoking topic!
So I gave up a career and a degree in Social Work. I disappointed my mama. I chose to be a farmeress instead. Now I’m prepping to be a speaker in a nearby convention center about my farming experiences and am anxiously awaiting whether or not i’ll be published in an upcoming book. Now, she’s so proud she’s making a date to buy me a new outfit for my speech. Disappointment is relative to the standard, the person, and to the period in our life.
It always astounds me when I find the same topic being examined in multiple places…it’s almost as if the universe is trying to teach me something. I am currently reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s COMMITTED and minutes after highlighting a passage and putting the book down, I clicked on this blog post and you are bringing light (just as poignantly as Ms. Gilbert) to the same topic of expectations. In COMMITTED, Gilbert is talking about expectations with regards to marriage.
Gilbert writes, “When you have one path set before you, you can generally feel confident that it was the correct path to have taken. And a bride whose expectations for happiness are kept necessarily low to begin with is more protected, perhaps, from the risk of devastating disappointment down the road. To this day, I admit, I’m not entirely sure how to use this information. I cannot quite bring myself to make an official motto out of ‘Ask for less!’ Nor can I imagine advising a young woman on the eve of her marriage to lower her expectations in life in order to be happy. Perhaps I was loading a far heavier cargo of expectation onto the creaky old boat of matrimony than that strange vessel had ever been built to accommodate in the first place.”
So yes, our expectations can be too high, but what kind of life would we lead if we had low expectations and then found ourselves STILL disappointed. At least enjoy those moments of high expectations, there is a certain thrill in looking forward to something, whether it be a long relationship, a great vacation, a superb gift, with the highest of expectations. Even if they don’t live up to your expectations, there is joy in the moments of anticipation.
…and how gorgeous is your writing in this post…
“a sad pocket of quiet”
“punctured expectations”
Beautiful prose, Aidan!
A thoughtful post, beautifully written.
I think the key to avoiding disappointment is communication and clarity, at least with yourself and with others. And keeping the expectations realistic. If I expect my friends to ALWAYS be available to me when I need them, I’m not being realistic to their different lives and realities. But if I expect that we will try our best for each other, and trust that we will understand when plans fall through, it’s easier to at least mitigate the disappointment.
Disappointment over a job, or a house, or something like that, when you’ve put your whole effort into it, and it just doesn’t work out…that’s more difficult to recover from. Takes a little more time to lick your wounds and get up again. But yeah, we all do it.